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FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes on the floor with the paw prints are yours and contain your food The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate does not mean that is is suddenly your food, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the top of the stairs is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space that you are taking up, is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.....

+++++

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them 
down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) 
bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." 

Then the crocodile says, "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." 

The dumbfounded bartender gasps, "That's incredible! I've never seen a 
crocodile that could talk!" 

The guy says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist." 

+++++++

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the 
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful 
rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. 
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes 
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and 

saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were 

coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was 

even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. 

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw 

the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising 

his right paw to strike him. 

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." 

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny 
my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even 
credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of 
this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me 
to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you 
make the bear a Christian?" 

"Very well," the voice said. 

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest 
resumed. 

And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws 
together... bowed its head and spoke: 

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." 

+++++++ 

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson, Johnny, down to the water hole
to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket
in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket
and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" cried Johnny.
"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a
few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as
scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of
him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

+++

"Why do elephants drink?"

"To forget"

+++

"Animals give me more pleasure through the viewfinder of a camera than they ever did in the cross hairs of a gun sight. And after I've finished 'shooting,'my unharmed victims are still around for others to enjoy. I have developed a deep respect for animals." Jimmy Stewart 

+++

Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons." Douglas Adams, writer, dramatist, and musician (1952-2001)

+++

"An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox." Lao Tzu

+++

"Nothing is more humbling than to look with a strong 

magnifying glass at an insect so tiny that the naked 

eye sees only the barest speck and to discover that 

nevertheless it is sculpted and articulated and striped 

with the same care and imagination as a zebra. Apparently 

it does not occur to nature whether or not a creature is 

within our range of vision, and the suspicion arises that 

even the zebra was not designed for our benefit." 

Rudolf Arnheim, psychologist and author (1904-2007)

+++

A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away.
He decides that he just must see it. The journey will be a
long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist.

He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and
catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel
he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes,
it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must
get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to
be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to
let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells
the man that what ever he does he must not under any
circumstances touch the white gorilla.

The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even
more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The
white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a
while the man is getting used to being so close to the gorilla
and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that
there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly
moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla
just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently
touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts
roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there
just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the
keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars
start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train
station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is
just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing
after the train, but not gaining on it.

The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers
aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe
at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise
back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's
walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water
trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows
a pair of binoculars from someone.

He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified
to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the
boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through
customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to
see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view
mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in
locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be
the huge white gorilla.

The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what
it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it
very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to
think of a place he can hide.

He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls
the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad
trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out
doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in
and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles,
reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and
says:

"Tag, you're it!!!"

+++++++

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to 

compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 

 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."

No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two 

Mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and 

while you're at it, send me another one."

+++++++

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed
feet?"

The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the
desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft
sand."

A few minutes later, the young camel asks, "Mom, why have
I got these long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the
trips through the desert."

"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"

"They are there to help us store water for our long treks
across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long
periods."

"So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long
eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps
to store water."

"Yes, dear."

"So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side 
was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach 
you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."

So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went 
inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who 
looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you 
must be here for the mind reading lessons."

"Er, yes," the young man said.

"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." 

Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes 
back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.

"Why?" said the young man.

"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the 
end and tell me what you see."

So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only 
sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.

Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots 
water into the young man's face.

"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man 
shouts at the old man.

"There. You are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, 
"That'll be 50 dollars."

vvvvvvvvvvvv

AN EASTER BUNNY JOKE

A man was blissfully driving along the 
highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny 
hopping across the middle of the road. 

He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, 
but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in 
front of his car and was hit. The basket 
of eggs went flying all over the place.
Candy, too. 

The driver, being a sensitive 
man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out 
to see what had become of the Bunny carrying 
the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful 
Bunny was dead. 

The driver felt guilty and 
began to cry. A woman driving down the same 
highway saw the man crying on the side of the 
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her 
car and asked the man what was wrong. 

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally 
hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may 
not be an Easter because of me. What should
I do? 

The woman told the man not to worry. 
She knew exactly what to do. She went to her 
car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She 
walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed 
the entire contents of the can onto the little 
furry animal. 

Miraculously the Easter Bunny 
came to back life, jumped up, picked up the 
spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the 
two humans and hopped on down the road. 

50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, 
waved and hopped on down the road another 50 
yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards 
and waved again!!!! 

The man was astonished. 

He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name 
is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed 
on the Easter Bunny?" 

The woman turned the can around so that the man 
could read the label. It said: 

"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. 
Adds permanent wave.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at
Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had
ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would
have it, I was alone and without a weapon."

"What did you do?" the little girl asked.

"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes
but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept
coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."

"How did you get away?"

"As a last resort, I just turned around and
walked quickly to the next cage."

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race 
on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before 
the race and says, 

"All you have to remember with this horse is that 
every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 
"ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear.
Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to
shout the command. The race begins and they approach 
the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous 
advice and the horse crashes straight through the center 
of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The 
jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" 
in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse 
crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, 
I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" 
really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the 
jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of
the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse 
only finishes third. 

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what 
went wrong. The jockey replies, 

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse.
What is he -- deaf or something?" 

The trainer replies, 

"Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

++++++++++++++

An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept 
a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained 
apples, and the other bin contained nuts.

They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, 
so one evening before going to bed they set a couple 
of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by 
the bin of nuts.

During the night they heard a trap snap. The old 
gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught 
a mouse.

On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we 
catch him by the apples?"

The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds
two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and
places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the
sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage.

When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps who have
also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says
as puts them in the sack with the finches.

Later at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the
sack, into the lions' cage.

"Bloody hell!" roars the lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"

+++++++++++

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was
going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got
caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head
first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder
and harder, and the horse just wouldn't stop or slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the
Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.

Thank God for heroes.

+++++++ 

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to 
borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent 
the money comes by a week later to see how his investment 
is doing. 

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and
wont even look at the cows. 

The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at 
the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. 

The farmer looks very pleased: 
"The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence,
and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."

"Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

++++++++

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, 
Cervidae (reindeer) are the only members of the deer 
species in which both male and female deer grow antlers 
in the summer each year. Male reindeer drop their antlers 
at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid
December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after 
they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition 
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them 
from Rudolf to Blitzen...had to be female.

We should have known this, since they've always been 
able to find their way.

============

A bear and a rabbit and taking a dump in the woods, 
the bear turns to the rabbit and asks 
"Do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?" 

"No" replies the rabbit. 

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit

+++++++++

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; 
I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. 

He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. 
So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person 
to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground 
would get $50,000. 

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant 
to jump. 

Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying 
a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, 
and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. 

Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays 
out the $50,000. 

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to 
cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen 
an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." 

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of 
people try and fail. 

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls 
out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, 
"Remember me?" 

he elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat 
and says, "Want me to use this again?" 

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no... 

++++++

A man buys a horse from an old man.

The old man says, "The only catch is that this horse loves
sitting on watermelons. If he sees a watermelon, he is going
to sit on it." The man says OK. As he's riding his horse, he
comes along a stream.

The horse stops in midstream and sits down. The man beats the
horse, but the horse refuses to budge. The man pushes and shoves
the horse, but the horse refuses to move.

Finally the man drags the horse out of the river and brings him
back to the old man.

"I don't understand," the man says. "He sat down in the middle
of the river and refused to budge. You told me he likes to sit
on watermelons, so I don't understand why he was sitting in the
middle of the river."

"I forgot to tell you," the old man replied, "he also likes to
sit on fish."

+++++++

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. 
One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous 
blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one 
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're 
history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out 
first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and 
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and 
pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat 
revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts 
licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests 
his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a 
display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can 
you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A panda bear walks into a bar, sits on a stool and starts munching on some 
peanuts. He finishes the bowl and pulls out a gun. He shoots the guy sitting 
beside him and starts to make for the door.

"Why'd you do that?!?" the bartender asks, stunned.

"Look 'panda' up in the encyclopedia." the bear answers as he walks out 
the door and starts down the street.

Puzzled, the bartender shakes his head and goes back to work.
Later that night when the bartender gets home he looks in his 
encyclopedia and is startled by what he sees:

"Panda - A wild animal that eats shoots and leaves"

+++++++

A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska, immediately 
spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of a store clerk sitting by 
the cash register. 

"Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 

"Yep," answers the clerk. 

"Big bears?" 

"Yep." 

"Mean bears?" 

"Yep." 

"Black bears?" 

"Yep." 

"GRIZZLIES???!" 

"Yep." 

"Got any bear bells?" 

"What's dat?" 

"You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so bears 
know yer in the perimiter so's they can runs away ..." 

"Yep. Over yonder ..." 

"Great. I'll take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies. Say, 
how'd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?" 

"Look fer scatt." 

"Oh. Well, how how'd you know if there's GRIZZLIES????!" 

"Look fer scatt." 

"You just said that!" 

"Yeah. But grizzly scatt's different." 

"Well now, just what's IN grizzly scatt that's different?" 

"Bear bells." 

================

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very
carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from
its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the 

man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then
continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it
will remember me?" the man muses to himself.

It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like
it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so
long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still
giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross 

the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... l

ifts him high in the air... THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND 

STOMPS HIM TO DEATH! Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant.

****

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a
gin----------------and tonic."

The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says "I don't know, my father had them, too."

++++++++

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an 
old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw 
in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the 
bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger 
rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched 
the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. 
With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening 
and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat 
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon 
their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up 
to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the 
area and they said that one had just jumped into the mineshaft 
in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be MY 
goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

++++++++++

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him
everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the
radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported
seeing the ape.

At last, the ape was discovered in the New York Public Library.
Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the
library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with
two books spread out in front of him.

The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible;
the other was a book written by Darwin, " Origin of the Species ".

The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.

The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's
keeper or my keeper's brother...."

******************
Two snakes were crawling along when one Snake asked the other, 

"Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One day a very young polar bear was sitting on an ice drift, watching his 
father trying to catch fish, when he asked,

"Dad, am I a full-blooded polar bear?"

His father replied, "Sure son, you're full blooded."

The young bear asked, "Are you positive that I'm 100% polar bear, Dad?"

"Yes, son, I'm sure. Your mother's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear..."

"But Dad, are you sure there's not a little brown bear in me?"

"Yes son, I'm sure."

"Are you really sure, Dad, that there's not just a little black bear in me?"

"Yes, son, you're all polar bear."

"Maybe just a little grizzly bear in me, Dad?"

"No way, son, no way," replied the papa bear. "Why are you asking these 
questions?" 

The little polar bear replied, "Because, Dad, I'm freezing my ass off 
out here!"

--------------------------------------

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are 

you up to there, Tim?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." 

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's 

inside your cat."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A bear and a rabbit and taking a dump in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks 

"Do you have problems with crap sticking to your fur?" 

"No" replies the rabbit. 

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit

++++++++++++++++++

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, 

he couldn't afford to feed it. 

He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a 

contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off 

the ground would get $50,000. 

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. 

Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to 

the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. 

Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. 

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another 

contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." 

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. 

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the 

elephant. He says, "Remember me?" 

The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat and says, 

"Want me to use this again?" 

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no... 

++++

 An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and 

raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on 

the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace 

running around like its stepsiblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we 

all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.

It allowed as to how it felt different from its stepsiblings, was unsure of its place in the 

universe, and was generally forlorn.

Their response was, ... "Don't scurry, be hoppy."

*******

How to tell what kind of bear is chasing you:

If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, 
and the bear follows you, its a black bear.

If you're running, and you're running, and you run up a tree, 
and the bear shakes you out of the tree, it's a brown bear. 

If you're running, and you're running, and you can't find a tree, 
it's a polar bear. 

vvvvvv

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the 
kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty 
feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was 
again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty 
feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked 
the kangaroo, 'How high do you think they'll go?'

The kangaroo replied, 'Probably a hundred feet, unless 
somebody starts locking the gate at night!'

vvvvvvv

A slug in the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was
making his way home when he was mugged by a gang of snails. They
knocked him down, knocked him out and made off with all his
berries.

A while later he was found and aided by a very concerned monkey
who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should
go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the
culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught
and punished.

Unfortunately, the slug revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them;
it all happened so fast." 

+++++++

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: 

"No way. I don't think you can pay for it. 

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something 

you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" 

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." 

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. 

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the 

bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing 

Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. 

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That 

hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the 

bartender for another. 

"Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches 

into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog 

starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger 

from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. 

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the 

frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you 

some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." 

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." 

+++++++

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking
down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog
had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have
for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.

The frog said, 'Because you are the only two animals I have
seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first.'

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said,
'I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.'

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity
of the rabbit wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. 'Well, I wish that all the
bears in the next forest were female as well.' Rabbit asked for
a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid
things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the
motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then
said, 'I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.'

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said,

'I wish that the bear was gay...'

vvvvvvv

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about 

his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. 

"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

+++++++++

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a
chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't
get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed
an anal suppository.

The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by
the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers,
including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person
who wears a full-arm glove.

FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.

Now stop complaining and get back to work!

+++++++

A man was walking in the desert one day and he came upon a large 
pit in the ground. Wondering how deep the pit was, the man picked
up a pebble and threw it in. He then bent over to listen for the hit 
on the bottom. The man stood there for a long while but he heard 
nothing. 

Looking around, the man spotted a rock. He picked it up and 
it into the pit, then hunched over to listen again thinking that 
this time he would hear the hit at the bottom. No luck! 

The man then looked for something bigger. He saw a boulder 
in the distance. He went over to it and rolled the boulder into 
the pit. Feeling pretty confident about the size of the boulder, 
he bent over to listen again. No noise! 

The man became very frustrated. He looked around for 
something even bigger. He looked and looked until he came
upon a railroad tie. He knew that if this didn't make a noise at 
the bottom nothing would. So he picked up the rail road tie and 
threw it into the pit. And he began to listen.... And as he was 
listening, a goat ran as fast as he could carry himself and jumped 
right into the pit. 

The man stood there very much in shock. He had to sit down. 
He thought of reasons as to why this would be. Well, while he 
was sitting there, a wandering man came up to him. 

"Have you seen my goat?" the man asked. 

The puzzled man replied, 
Well, a while ago, a goat ran and jumped into this big pit." 

The wandering man said, "Well, it couldn't have been my goat. 
My goat was tied to a railroad tie." 

++++

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms 
when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with 
the chimp. 

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's
going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at 
the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with 
me and my wife." 

"But what about the smell?" the friend asked. 

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." 

+++++++++++

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. 

One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" 
And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from 
his mouth. "

Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

++++++++++++

Traffic Stop An Amish lady was driving her horse-drawn buggy 
to town with her young so when she was stopped by a highway 
patrol officer. "

I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to 
warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
broken and it could be dangerous. Other drivers might not 
see your buggy at night." 

"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have thy husband 
repair it as soon as we return home." 

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to 
your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might 
consider this "cruelty to animals", you had better have your 
husband check that also." 

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told 
her husband about the broken reflector, and her husband 
said he would repair it immediately. 

"Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said there 
was something wrong with our emergency brake!" 

+++++++++

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one Friday for 
an outing, since they had been at school all week. 
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough,
they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. 

The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. 
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names 
and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. 

The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I 
was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." 

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was 
doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." 

The third boy, who was a little shaken up, said, "Well, 
my name is Peter, but all my friends call me Peanuts." 

+++++++++++++++++=

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to
buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a 
faithful dog. 

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" 

The owner says, "How about a cat?" 

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. 
I want a pet that can do everything!" 

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, 
"I've got it! A centipede!" 

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede 
doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." 

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, 
"Clean the kitchen." 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's 
immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, 
dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances 
sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." 

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The 
carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; 
the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man 
thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever 
seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and 
get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no 
centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes l
ater...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering 
what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... 
and there's the centipede sitting right outside. 

The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 
45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just 
putting on my shoes!" 

+++++++++++++

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy 
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. 

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored 
eggs, then stormed outside and beats the shit out of the peacock.

++++++++++

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his
store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke
one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like
a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry. The elephant
then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the
police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one
you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants,
African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is
not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a
stocking pulled over his head."

----------------------------------------

A pig went into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of 
water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the 
pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the 
restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It's down the hall and 
to your right." 

A little while later another pig went into the bar and asked 
the bartender for two glasses of water. The bartender gave 
the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the 
bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, 
"Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." 

Soon after, another pig went into the bar and asked the 
bartender for three glasses of water. The bartender gave 
the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the 
bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, 
"Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." 

Then another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender 
for four glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the 
water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender 
if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, 
"Sure. It's down the hall and to your right." 

After a little while another pig went into the bar and 
sked the bartender for five glasses of water. The 
bartender gave the pig the water and the pig drank 
all five glasses and was about to leave when the 
bartender stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. 
All these other pigs have come in here and drank 
between one and four glasses of water and they 
all needed to use the restroom. But you drank five 
whole glasses of water. Why don't you need to use 
the restroom too?" 

And the pig replied, "Don't you know the story? 
I'm the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the 
way home." 

+++++++++++

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an 
bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence 
was that both were blind from birth. 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the 
snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny 
tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked 
the snake about quite a bit. 

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean 
to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where 
I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even 
know what I am." 

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is 
much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, 
and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I 
could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, 
so at least you'll have that going for you." 

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the 
snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're 
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose 
twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you 
must be a bunny." 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious 
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "maybe I 
could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way 
you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, 
and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you 
have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. 

I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or 
possibly part of upper management." 

+++++++++++++

A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's 
important to choose one that's right for your family. 

Here are some tips for making a winning choice..... 

Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children 
great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which 
will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise. 

Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before 
you get your new pet home. 

Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem 
if they are given food and water. 

Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with 
the same cruelty and neglect you do your husband. 

Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, 
it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's 
mind. To hell with spaying and neutering; you don't want a 
sissy elephant. 

Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can 
defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-
hierarchy disputes. 

For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat."
Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new 
pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get 
into fights. 

Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. 

....You probably should not be allowed to let one own you. 

+++++

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden,
a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important
to learn a foreign language?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I
have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all
day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life
span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50
years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So
God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are
supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people
that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20
years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give
you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys
have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey
tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks?
Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God
agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep,
eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do
is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year
life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way,
man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years,
and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I
will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God
agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY....
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing
much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to 
support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren
by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we
stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

+++++++++++++++++
A man went into a pet store and asked the clerk, 
"Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" 

The salesman said, "No, we have birds that go cheep. 
Our dogs go BARK!" 

++++++++++++++++

A guy from Czechoslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in 
California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they 
were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The 
male bear dismembered and ate the Czechoslovakian guy, but the lawyer 
managed to escape. 

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had 
happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. 
Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, 
and there were the female and the male bears.

R-rated Animal Humor:  

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking 

the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and 

eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool 

table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, 

somehow swallows it whole. 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" 

The guy says, "No, what?" 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little 

bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything." 

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. 

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink 

and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, 

the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He 
grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you 

see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it 

out and ate it!" said the bartender. 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, 

ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

++++++

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so 

the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. 

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see
this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She 

saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, 

"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, right what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, 

"Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right - o, great see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast 

that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, 

"Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

++++++++

Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father 

moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, 

rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?”

“Because I’m buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and in good 

shape before I buy.”

Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away.”

“Why?”, said his father.

“Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely wants 

to buy mom!”

+++++++++++

A veterinarian had had a really rough day at his office. When he finally got home 

from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and 

a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went 

happily to bed. 

At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly 

lady's voice. 

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, out of breath "Is this an emergency?" 

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making 

a terrible noise 

mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" 

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied 

"Open the window 

discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, 

the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him 

next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German 

Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. 

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw 

the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

++++++++++

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

"It's cute... but can it pick up peanuts?" 

++++++ 

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when 
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship 
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out 
our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and 
sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the 
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get 
away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before 
they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely 
refuse to swallow the seamen." 

++++++++++

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, "I know this 

midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out. 

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

++++++++++

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and 

at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off 

and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla 

went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." 

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up 

and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 

"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!" 

++++++++++++++++

A doe comes out of the woods, tugging at her skirt and says, 

"That is the last time I do that for two bucks!"

+++++++++++++

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and 

stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey 

for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter 

for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, 

"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

++++++

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 

"It's cute... but can it pick up peanuts?"

+++