A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus
stop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue
to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie
turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a
foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big

smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show

them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and

is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love

to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector",

says the Coroner.

The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man.

"Australian, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,

spent it all on beer. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence

the smile."

"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Detective Inspector,

and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.

New Zealander, 30, struck by lightning.

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies :

"Thought he was having his picture taken"

******************************

A survey of travelers' habits by the Novotel hotel chain
in Australia and New Zealand found that women were messier
than men and more likely to steal a hotel towel. Women are
generally quieter than men in hotel rooms, but they make
more noise during sex. The only time men are noisier is
while watching sports on TV...

... Although I heard a guy screaming in the next room last
night during a basketball game and I swear he was faking it.

-------------

A man had great tickets for the Grand Final. As he sits down,

another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the

seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind

would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest

sporting event in Australia, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife

was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.

This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together

since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't

you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a

neighbor -- to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking

home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your

safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're

too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there,

and where you've come from.

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully,

and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last

night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo

court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument.

e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic

beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal or FFP: Your 1st fatal piss in the

pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking

the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will

be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of

the night.

Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat, or

Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that,

needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the

morning to get to the toilet quick.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man

enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles

with the woman's nipples with one hand and her

Budgie'sTongue with the other. The position is

similar to that used when playing a double bass

instrument, but the sound produced is slightly

different.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a

woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples

simultaneously.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some

left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles: Liberate the residents of Wank

Tanks.

Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when

driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant

with no intention of buying food, you're just going to

the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your

declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards

is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft: or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top.

Description of a very large vagina.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience

after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e.

extremely impressive when viewed from the outside,

but there's actually f*ck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering

yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after

drinking at least 10 pints.

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on

Friday night while you're in the toilet after your

10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive

people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners

when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place

on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks

away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a

10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat

up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small

for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst

during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to

have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover

yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie

feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your

dead relatives.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

******************************

A Young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking
cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside
him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"

"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked.

"Fifty dollars," she replied.

------------------------------------------------------------

John Howard, the chirpy Australian Prime Minister, flies to England
for a meeting with the Queen. Over a cup of tea, Howard brings up his
grand new plans for his country.

"Your Majesty, mate, can we turn Australia into a kingdom, in order to increase its force in the world market?"

The Queen shakes her head and replies, "One needs a king for a kingdom, Mr. Howard and unfortunately you are most certainly not a king."

Not to be dissuaded, Johnny asks, "Would it be possible just to
transform Australia into an empire then?"

"No, you chubby-faced chap," snorts the Queen, "for an empire you need an emperor, and you are most certainly not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn
Australia into a principality.

The Queen replies, "For a principality, you need a prince, and you Mr. Howard are definitely not a prince."

Pausing for a sip of her tea, Her Majesty then adds:

"To be quite honest, having met both you and several other Australians, I think Australia is still best suited as a COUNTRY."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon

(one of those romance books)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:

"Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Save the Bogan (Maximumus tightblackjeanus withmulletus) First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's Eastern suburbs) and the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney).

It is believed the initial Brisbane population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Ipswich, Inala and Woodridge. However by the mid 80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Redbank and Goodna. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early 90s onwards.

The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in the inner Brisbane suburbs, and those remaining cling to the region's outskirts. In the year 2001, the species is now officially endangered.

Identifying a Bogan is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem co-erced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include tight black denim covering on the hind limbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly.

Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified though distinctive denim markings, though the colour is usually "stonewash".

In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of denim to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind limbs with furry pouches called "ugg-boots".

While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species have been known to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds.

After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known as "Taverns", where they consume large amounts of liquid called "Bourbon".

There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population. Scientists have identified the unpopularity of 'The Village' as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species.

More controversial theories suggest many Bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves in Brisbane's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts included the development of a new artificial habitat named "Forest Lake", but it seems this area may be too far from Ipswich to attract large numbers of the species. More successful is an enclosed breeding program called "Archerfield Raceway". The program has proven highly effective, combining aggressive behaviour, beer and occasional displays of female sexuality.

Authorities recently have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief visit early next year.