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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field.

The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"

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"Baseball is similar to an island of activity amidst a sea of statistics."â€¨Anonymous

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“The stories that you tell about your past shape your future.” Eric Ransdell (in Fast Company)

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“Whether you won or lost the night before, it's a brand new game ... It's my job and my coaches’ job to remind the players that no matter what happened last night, it doesn't mean anything today. This is not like football where you have to wait one week to recover. You just have to get up every day and fight. If you carry it over, you're a loser.” Ozzie Guillon, manager of the 2005 World Champions

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“Baseball is the only sport I know that when you're on offense, the other team controls the ball.” Ken Harrelson, Sports Illustrated, 6 September 1976

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“Baseball is the only place in life where a sacrifice is really appreciated.” Anonymous

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“Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire's eye or on the ball.” Jim Murray

+++

A Mets fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox
fan are climbing a mountain. On the way to the top,
each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team
and what they would do for that team.

As the climb gets higher, the wagers increase. Upon
reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, "This is for the
Mets!!!" and hurls himself off the top of the mountain.

Next the Braves fan yells, "I love Atlanta....This is
for you Braves!!" and he, too, jumps off the top.

Suddenly, the Red Sox fan screams, "This is for
EVERYONE!!" and pushes the Yankee fan off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship (1906):
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1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
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2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
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3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
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4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,
70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
-
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
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6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
-
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won
championships in each league.
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8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
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9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected
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10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
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11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
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12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
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13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the
National League
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14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
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15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
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16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several
thanked Cubs pitchers.
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17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
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18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
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19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the
majority of them.
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20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union

~~~~~~~~~

A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.

The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

+++++++

Excuses for having a bad game:

The umpire is senile.

My jock was too tight.

It hasn't been the same since the baseball strike.

The sun was in my eyes.

I felt sorry for the other team.

My mind was on endorsement deals.

It hasn't been the same since instant replay.

I snapped.

I swallowed too much tobacco juice.

When you win, the fans tear up your city.

Those guys are good!

I chose the wrong role models.

I forgot to scratch my lucky crotch.

Someone switched my Gatorade with 'gator pee.

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
7-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand
what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call
him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another
boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call
your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

++++++++

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband."
--Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981

+++

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what coop-
eration is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose
together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him
a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another
boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your
coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?''

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that
to your mother."

+++++++++

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team.
They could only muster eight players, but finally found a
ninth to play.

In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman,
to join their team. During their first game, the
Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the
ball out of the park.

"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well
shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly
willing to buy you chaps another ball."

++++++++

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first
trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched
by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch
near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically
about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the
game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang,

'Jose, can you see?'"

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PRILEP, Yugoslavia - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the
border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.

When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.

In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed -- either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on
base.

++++++++++

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

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Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

+++++++

At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the
umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she kept
yelling, "Kill the umpire!"

This went on for an hour.

Another patron said, "Lady, the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."

The woman said, "He`s my husband and he came home last
night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!"

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Three old ladies go to a baseball game. They've never been and are very excited because of the way the Mariners are playing.

Just to make the game a little more interesting, they bring along a bottle of Jack Daniels. It's a really good game and the crowd's into it and everybody is having a good time.

The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas and are having a wonderful time. So there's still a lot of game left when they notice that they are out of Jack Daniels. Question: What inning is it?

It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

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Dumb Ass Baseball Quotes!

"I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."
-John Kruk

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

"Raise the urinals."
Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

"The only reason I don't like playing in the World Series
is I can't watch myself play."
-Reggie Jackson

"What's everyone blaming me for? Blame Felix. I wouldn't
have hit into the double-plays if he hadn't hit singles."
-Joe Torre of the Mets after tying a major league record by
hitting into four double-plays, each time after Felix Millan had
singled just before Torre came to the plate (July 21, 1975).

"I am the most loyal player money can buy."
-Don Sutton, Pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers,
Houston Astros

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At one game, a lady kept up a steady flow of threats at the
umpire. No matter what was happening on the field, she
kept yelling, 'Kill the umpire!'

This went on for an hour.

Another patron said, 'Lady, the umpire hasn't done
anything wrong.'

The woman said, 'Hes my husband and he came home
last night with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!!'

+++++

The Devil floats up to see St. Pete and says, "Hey, let's have a baseball game - my people against your people."
"Sure," replies St. Pete, "but I should warn you, I have all the Hall of Famers!"

"Who cares?" says the Devil. "I have all the umpires!"

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AD CAMPAIGN FOR PHILLIES 2001

1. Come see the league's best, they'll
be kicking our butts all year long.

2. New millennium, same results.

3. Bring a glove, we may need you.

4. If we actually WIN at home, you get
to see a game of your choice for free!

5. Who needs air-conditioning when you
can cool off at the Vet!

----------------

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is
a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their
hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little
girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,
"Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked,
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a
fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie,
why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red
Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone,
"That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't
have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what
would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

++++++++++

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It will take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the
bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

++++++++

George Carlin on the differences between football and baseball..

In football you wear a helmet but in baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups.

In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

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CLASSIC BASEBALL QUOTES

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably
have seen a lot more of my husband."
--Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981

"It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all
of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters and TV men with
cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations."
--Vida Blue, 1971

"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio."
--Gerald Ford, 1978

"It's a beautiful day for a night game."
--Announcer Frankie Frisch

"The most important things in life are good friends and a
strong bull pen."
--Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 -

"Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win."
--Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting
the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978

"They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at
time was in Brooklyn."
--Casey Stengel, 1962

"I won't play for a penny less than $1500."
--Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000

"Baseball is a lot like life. The line drives are caught,
the squibbles go for base hits. It's an unfair game."
--Rod Kanehl

I'"m glad I don't play anymore. I could never learn all
those handshakes." --Phil Rizzuto

"Baseball is like church. Many attend, but few understand."
--Wes Westrum.

"The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he
can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says,
'You mean third base?'" --Henny Youngman

"If God wanted football played in the spring, he would
not have invented baseball." --Sam Rutigliano, on the USFL

"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name
pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is
that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

+++++++++

After drowning his sorrows at the bar for what seemed to be all
night, Fred, said to the bartender, "I must be the most pathetic
thing you've seen in a long time."

"Not exactly," corrected the bartender. "You see that table of
baseball players over there?"
Fred looked and saw a local men's baseball team celebrating with
plenty of beer and hearty laughter.

The bartender continued, "They finally broke a two season long losing streak."

"Well you can't blame them for celebrating."

"Yes you can," the bartender argued. "The game was rained out."

++++++++++=

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a
local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park
near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was.

"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.

"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."

"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face.
"Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."

++++++++

YOGI BERRA QUOTES

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play left field
in Yankee stadium."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna
stop them."

"It ain't over till it's over."

"It's deja vu all over again."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We have very deep depth!"

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

++++++++++++++++

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

++++++++++++

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher
walked up to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
"You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

+++++++++++++

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your
mother."

++++++++++++++

The Chicago police called the general manager of the Chicago Cubs at 3:00 a.m. one night.

"Is this the Cubs general manager," they asked.

"Yes, what's the problem?"

"There has been a break-in at Wrigley Field. It seems like the thief broke into the trophy room."

The general manager was shocked. No one ever broke into Wrigley Field, he thought, it's a Mecca to baseball. "Well," he asked, "Have they found the culprit?"

"No sir, but we do have a good idea. We are looking for any suspects carrying a red and blue rug."

++++++++++++

A Mets fan walks into a bar dressed up in his new jersey and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Babe Ruth on the wall.

He was just about to leave when the barman says:
"Where do you think you're going?"

The Mets fan replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Babe Ruth there
and I think I'd better leave,"

The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got
to roll the dice Pal,"

The Mets fan looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"

The Barman replies: "Yeah. If you roll between 1 and 5 we
kick the mess out of you,"

The Mets fan says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go."

++++++++++++++

Why is it so windy at Pacific Bell Park?
(Home of the San Francisco Giants)

Because of all the Giant Fans!

+++

What is the difference between baseball and law?

In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

+++

Jay was telling me about his wife sitting around with other
wives at our son's baseball game. (He's 7). One mom was
complaining about having to go to the athletic store to buy
an athletic cup.

She said, "The man asked me what size. I shrugged and held
my thumb and index finger about an inch apart and said,
'he's about this big.'

The man behind the counter said,
'No, ma'am, what's his *waist* size?'"

++++++++++++

There was this man who returned to New York for a visit
after 10 years working in Atlanta.

As he wandered the streets he stopped at an antique
shop and decided to go in. On looking around he
noticed a very strange looking bronze cat which
had a tag on it saying,

"Bronze Cat $30.00, Story $150.00".

The man was very curious and asked the salesman
to explain.

"Well" said the man, "its just like it says, $30 for the
cat and $150 for its story".

"I'll just take the cat", said the man.

"Very well, but you will be back" said the salesman.

The man left the shop with the cat in his pocket.

As he walked down the street he heard a strange mewing
sound. On turning round he noticed there were a couple
of cats following him.

The further he walked the more cats seemed to appear
to follow him. As he got to the Brooklyn Bridge he
turned to see about 1,000 cats behind him.

"Screw this" he said to himself and threw the bronze
cat into the river. All the cats jumped into the river
too and were drowned.

The man returned to the shop where he bought the cat.

"I knew you would be back, $150.00 for the story"
said the salesman.

"Forget the story" said the man.

"Have you got a bronze Mets fan?"

=====

A bus carrying a minor league baseball team pulled up
beside a local in a village.

"What's the quickest way to York?" the driver asked.

The local scratched his head.

"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.

"I'm driving."

"That's the quickest way!"

++++++

Why does a baseball pitcher raise one leg when he pitches?
If he raised both legs, he would fall down.

========

"I've seen plenty of batting slumps," the manager told one
of his coaches. "But I've never had a whole lineup in a
slump before."

The team had lost 15 of its last 20 games, scoring only
eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they'd
done was four hits in a game.

"We have to try something different," the manager said
to his batting coach.

"What do you have in mind?" the batting coach
asked warily.

"I'm going into the batting cage myself and show them
how to do it," the manager said.

The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager
was desperate, willing to try anything.

With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the
first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch.
Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. He was becoming
embarrassed thinking the team was making fun of him.
On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which
dribbled back to the pitcher's mound.

The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned
around, and stared at his players.

"That's how you guys look at the plate!" he yelled.
"Now get up there and HIT the ball!"

++++

NEW YORK (AP) --The New York Mets announced today
that they are going to court to get an additional inning
added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.

The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets
held a press conference earlier today. They were joined
by members of the Major League Players Union.

"We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,"
said the Mets batting coach. "We were confused by the
irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we
have been denied our right to hit."

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of
the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls,
but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that
these batters never intended to swing at curve balls,
though a much higher percentage were not confused
by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that
the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the
Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and
had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play
earlier in the year.

"The fact remains that some of the pitches confused
us and denied us of our right to hit," said the Mets
batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and
the Yankees are celebrating prematurely."

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all
the World Series games and recounted the balls and
strikes called by the umpires of each game.

"While some of the strikes called against the Mets
were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them
to change the outcome of the World Series," the
commissioner said.

Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that,
based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually
won the World Series, regardless of the final scores
of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly
on-base more often than the Yankees," said a
Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is
rightly ours."

The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion,
engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated
that he believes "we need to let the process run its course
without a rush to judgment."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

TEN RESULTS OF A SUBWAY SERIES

10. New Yorkers have something to help them get over
the loss of "CATS"

9. It is John Rocker's worst nightmare

8. People who just moved here and are now running for
senate can enjoy it

7. More business for the city's illegal knock-off t-shirt
factories

6. 98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats –
up from usual 94%

5. Inscription on Statue of Liberty reads "Give me your
tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and we'll beat
them in a best-of-seven series"

4. Mayor Giuliani using "baseball fever" as excuse to
spray city with toxic chemicals

3. More school absence notes mentioning "torn rotator
cuff"

2. Crazy guys in subway adding infield chatter to usual
rantings

1. Hookers offering baseball special: for $100 they'll be
the Yanker and you can be the Yankee

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the
devil comes over to welcome him.

The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable
down here."

The man says, "no problem. I'm from Chicago."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature
up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the
Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise,
the man is doing just fine.

"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the
temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then
goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.

"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the
temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When
he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is
sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off.
Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the
thermostat, and turns the temperature to MINUS 150
DEGREES.

Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the
whole place becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold
wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Chicago
man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping
up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.

The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.

To which the Chicago man replies.....

"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"

********************

Two Yankee fans boarded a flight to Chicago. One sat in the
window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, a Mets fan got on and took the aisle seat next to the
Yankee fans. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Yankees fan in the window seat
said
"I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the Mets fan, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Yankees fan picked up the Mets fan's
shoe and spit in it

When he returned with the coke, the other Yankee fan said,

"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Mets fan obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone, the Yankees fan picked up the other shoe and spit in it.

The Mets fan returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the Mets
fan slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what
had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Mets fan fumed. "This hostility
between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting
in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

********************

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office
for a checkup.

"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited,
don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the
field."

Then he added,
"By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the
tying run on second and two men \out in the ninth?"

A Red Sox fan van driver used to amuse himself by running over
every Yankees fan he would see strutting down the side of the
road in their ubiquitous navy blue hats. He would swerve to hit
them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would
swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the
van over.

He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down
the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van
continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Yankees
fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.

But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last
minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.
However even though he was certain he missed the fan, he still
heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest
and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan"

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got that idiot with the door!"

===========

This Mets supporter is at the World Series when he has a
heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets
up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves
to enter Heaven.

"Well," the fan says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a
charity for the disabled!"

St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?"

"Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!"
the fan continues.

"What else?"

"A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!"

So Peter tells the fan to wait for just a minute and he'll be
right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says,

"Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he
agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back,
now go to Hell!"

+++++++

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a
race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks,
"What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this
point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They
stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward
home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep in the
outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then
yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back,
"If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

=========================================

A rookie baseball player goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says,
"Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, and the
doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat,
and then sends him to the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says,
"Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says,
"Stop wiping with the pine tar sheet."

===============

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was
engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad
here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season
ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his
magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a
season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

R-rated Baseball Humor:

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"

+++++++

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much
about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After
the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much
about baseball?"

She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when
they cut IT off?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your balls?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"What was the most painful part?"

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in
half!"

+++++

A mother takes her 5-year-old to the sporting goods store
and says to the man working there, "I want to buy a baseball
mitt for my son. How much does it cost?"

The clerk says, "$50."

"That's way to much. How much for that bat?"

"$5," says the clerk.

"I'll take it," the mother replies.

As he's wrapping it up he says, "How about a ball for the bat?"

"No thanks," says the mother, "But I'll go down on you for the mitt."

+++++++++

Have you ever played baseball at an nudist colony? I did once. ...
ONCE!

Not the best sport to play nude. Here are a few tips...

A) If you are male, never slide head first, as you will never have
use of your power tool and bolts ever again.

B) Guys who are more than 8 inches should never play catcher

C) If you are over 10 inches, it is not acceptable while in the on
Deck circle to swing with your "warm up bat of love"

D) If you are under 4 inches, you probably would fit in well playing
Short stop, more commonly known as the cut off man.

E) If you are female, never never slide feet first, as you do not
want to fill up with sand.

++++++++
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