|
| |
Basketball Humor
A professor of psychology had just finished a lecture on mental health and manic depression and decided to give his class an oral quiz. "How would you label a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A hand shot up in the back of the room. "A basketball coach?"
+++++++
Q: How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
++++++
TOP TEN LAKER EXCUSES
10. "How can you expect me to concentrate on basketball when I just start filming
"Kazam 2", my best role ever?" -Shaquille O'Neal
9. "What's wrong with showing a little brotherly love?" --Horace Grant
8. "Two things - Vanessa's boobies." -Rick Fox
7. "The prostitutes I brought into the locker room before the game just didn't give the boys the spiritual motivation they needed." -Phil
Jackson
6. "My love affair with Emmanuel Lewis has just totally taken me
away from the game." -Kobe Bryant
5. "The damn forecast didn't call for Eric Snow!" -Kobe Bryant
4. "Who had time for a pep talk at halftime? I just love that Bono!" -Phil Jackson
3. "Ah, Sweep-Schmeep." --Robert Horry
2. "Mutombo was trash talking me. Normally I wouldn't mind but I
can't understand a word that guy says." --Greg Foster
1. "I don't give a s**t about either of these teams - when I come
back next year, I'm kicking all their f**king asses." -Michael Jordan
++++++
 
Right after the ACC tournament the teams are leaving
Charlotte. In the airport bathroom a little kid is just
finishing up when Dean Smith walks in.
The kids eyes get as big as golf balls and he says
"wow-your Dean Smith. You used to coach Carolina."
Dean replies, "I sure am and I sure do."
The little kids says, "Mr. Smith can I wear your UNC
ball cap?"
Dean says, "Sure," and lets the kid have it. The little
boy puts it on and looks in the mirror at himself.
Just then Gary Williams kicks open the door and
stumbles in to relieve himself.
The little kid looks at him and says,
"Wow, you are Gary Williams, you coach Maryland."
Gary looks at him and says,
"Yeah that's right. Why do you want me to give you
a car or something?"
The kid is taken aback at first and then almost as if he
comes to his senses replies,
"Oh, I don't play for Carolina. I'm just wearing the hat."
==========
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A
ew minutes later, Michael Jordan plops down in the seat
next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is
sitting there, looking at Jordan trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable
wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over
Jordan's chest.
About five minutes later the Michael wakes up, looks
down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
======================
After a game between the Lakers and the Sonics a little
six year old boy impressed by Patrick Ewing went up
to him and said
"Patrick could you please sign your autograph on my shirt?"
Patrick said, "Yeah sure. That's a nice dog you have,
what's its name?"
"Well," the little boy said, "I use to call it Kennedy
but, my Dad said I can't because it would be
disrespectful to the greatest president this
country has ever seen."
So Patrick asked, "What's its name now"
"I was going to call it Patrick Ewing but, my Dad
said I can't".
"Why would your father let you call it Patrick Ewing"
Patrick asked.
The little boy said, "Oh well he said, it would be
disrespectful to the dog..."
++++
How do you separate the men from the boys in Chapel Hill?
With a crowbar.
What do you get when you cross a UConn Husky with a
groundhog?
Six more weeks of bad basketball.
Why did they change the floor at Kentucky's Rupp Arena
from wood to cardboard?
Because the Wildcats always look better on paper!!!
How many UCLA grads work for the Psychic Network?
None. They can't talk about the future...they only talk
about the past.
What did Seton Hall star Eddie Griffin get on his SAT?
Drool.
=================
It was the day of the big basketball game, Kentucky at
Tennessee. 20 minutes before game time, the Wildcats
had not arrived at the stadium. The officials quickly got
on the phone and found out that their plane had been
delayed and the bus was stuck in traffic.
An hour went by and the fans were getting impatient.
Finally, the refs made the decision to start the game
without the Kentucky team. Six minutes into the game
the Wildcats arrived and the Volunteers had taken a
2-0 lead.
==========
B-BALL ONE LINERS
The first rule of watching basketball on TV: Watch only
the last two minutes. Nothing much happens until then,
and they only last a half hour.
I play in the over-40 basketball league. We don't have
jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and
whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.
College basketball exists out of necessity. If there was
no basketball, it would be necessary for the players to
attend class.
Basketball is America's favorite "running" sport. Number
two is avoiding child support payments.
+++++
WAYS TO STOP SHAQ
1. Hit him over the head with Jeff Van Gundy
2. Tell him the game was rained out
3. Cover the basket with cellophane
4. Two words; foul shots
5. Read him reviews of his rap album until he cries
6. 36 Tranquilizer darts
7. Two shots of Ex-Lax in every cup of Gatorade
8. Inject the cheerleaders with the flu
9. Give him a script for Kazaam II
10. Replace the basketball with a hamster ball
+++
Why was Patrick Ewing upset with his picture?
It was a foul shot.
++++
"The Tall People of the World" is an organization for large
people, and members are only accepted after proving
they are at least 6 feet 5 inches tall. Most of the members
are players from the NBA, but the current president was
just a tall man who worked in finance.
The organization holds annual meetings, and the last
meeting, in 2000, had some short very short people
who came to meet with the tall guys and
protest their exclusive admittance policy.
Upon seeing the president, one of the dwarves came to
him and said,
"You are so tall! Do you play basketball?"
The giant, offended that everyone always asked the
same question retorted,
"No. Do you play Miniature Golf?"
Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with
a faded IU flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It
was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a
Boilermaker logo.
Bobby looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+
games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said "Bobby, that's not Gene Keady's house, it's
mine!"
++++++++
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to
introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then
sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"
++++++++++++++
A father is watching a basketball game when his son walks
into the room.
"What's the score, dad?" the son asks.
"117 to 114," the father replies.
"Which team is winning?" the son asks.
The father without moving his eyes from the television
says, "The team with 117 points."
+++++++++++++++++++++
 More
Sports Humor:
Baseball
Football Golf
Fishing Hunting
Return to
Jokes Directory
| |
|
