A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. 

+++

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded

around a table watching a little show. On the table was

an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The

circus owner was so impressed that he offered to
buy the duck from its owner.

"Where did you find this duck, it's incredible?"

the owner asked.

"Well I took my daughter duck hunting one time

and she couldn't bear to see me shoot it, so we

brought it home as a pet."

After some wheeling and dealing they settled for

$10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the

bar in anger,
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before

a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks' former owner,
"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

++++++++++++

Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to

grow between them. One tree said to the other:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other said he could not tell.

Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling. The tall tree said,

"Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree. He replied,

"Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I've ever put

my pecker in."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Poor Dimmsdale was having trouble getting his neighbor to
keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept telling him
the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. But the
birds were ruining Dimmsdale's prize-winning flowerbeds.

Two weeks later, a friend visited Dimmsdale and noticed his
flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were even beginning
to bloom! The friend asked, "How did you make your neighbor
keep his hens in his own yard?"

Dimmsdale replied, "Easy! One night I hid a dozen eggs under
a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor
see me gather them. I haven't been bothered since."

------------------------------------------------------------

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his

cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under

the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,"

he said to himself.

He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said,

handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the

hallway."

"Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."

+++++++++++++++++

For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

"Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can't fly!"

 ++++

There was this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swore like

a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without

repeating himself. The trouble was, the guy who owned him was

a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was

driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by

the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!"

But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

Then the guy got mad and said, "OK for you," and locked the

bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and

when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream

of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad he threw the bird into the

freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din.

The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly

became quiet.

At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think the

bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he

became worried and opened up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and

said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my

best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation

that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

++++++++++++++++=

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a

young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue.

After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and

said,

"What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said,

"Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering

if you might be my son."

++++

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry",

said the first one.

"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find

some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of

plowed ground Full of worms. They ate and ate

and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree",

said the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun",

said the second.

"O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat

snuck up And gobbled them up. As he sat washing his

face after his meal, he thought,

(Are you ready for this one?)

"I love baskin' robins."

+++++++++++++++++++++

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the
Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PETER REITH: All I knew is that I lent my chicken to my son...

How was I to know that it would run up $50 000 worth

road tolls? I don't think I'm liable, unless the public think so...

PETER COSTELLO: According to documentation submitted

to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in

question was uncooked at the time of its journey and

therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that

Chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless

of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be

considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST

will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain - what's a chicken ?

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken

crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, The chicken crossed the road,

but why it crossed, I've not been told!

JOHN HOWARD: The chicken never ever crossed

the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its

mother!

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment

to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world

where all chickens, be they black or white or brown

or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads

without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the

chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that

the chicken crossed the road, and that was good

enough for us.

REV. FRED NILE: Because the chicken was

gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the

plain truth in front of your face? The chicken

was going to the "other side." That's what

"they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends,

that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken

you will become gay too. It is the will of Jesus

and the Lord that we boycott all chickens until

we sort out this abomination that the liberal

media whitewashes with seemingly harmless

phrases like "the other side." That chicken

should not be free to cross the road. It's as

plain and simple as that.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to

cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked

act of rebellion and violence by counter-

revolutionary terrorists and we were forced to

defend ourselves from the menace of the chicken

by dropping 500 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken, Mommy?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go

where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road

with your own eyes. How many more chickens

have to cross before you believe it's true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee

it won't get to the other side?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned

that the chicken crossed the road reveals your

underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel

about your mother?

BILL GATES: We have just released eChicken 2000,

which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs

(only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format),

file your important documents, and balance your

chequebook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable

part of eChicken.

THE CIA: Who told you about the chicken?

Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken.

Please step into the car, sir.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road

or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with

THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"?

Could you define the word "chicken"?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the

heavens, and He said unto the chicken,

"Thou shalt cross the road."

And the chicken crossed the road,

and there was much rejoicing.

**********

Salmonella won't be a concern.

Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

No one will overeat.

The smoke alarm was due for a test.

Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches. 

++++

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. 

"Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" 

They all asked the farmer how it tasted. 

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

++++

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?

If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

---

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?

'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

---

What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration?

The Butter Ball

---

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?

Plymouth Rock!

---

When is a turkey most like a ghost?

When it's a-gobblin'

+++

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"

++++++

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't
eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow
down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up
it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower
bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located
in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink
of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into
his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of
water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the
vise."

++++++

+++++++

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

++++

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said,
"Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought
enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I
hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever
you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods
and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he
listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs
snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes
satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You
still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the
pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

============