A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

++++

Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda
machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button.
You don't have much of a future, either. People
are going to be punching you all your life. Then
you are going to be replaced by a much better
looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing. Jill pointed
to the notice on the front of the machine, which
said, "Depress button for ice."

+++++++

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi
One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opened the can and then
the second blonde poured it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyed the three glasses
suspiciously and said, "I wonder which one has
the calorie?"

+++++++

A beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down
in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane
checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all
in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it
was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, "You're
ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to
have to ask you to move."

To which the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde,
beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class."
Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor.

Again, she tells the woman that she must move.

Again, the blonde replies, "You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful,
I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class." Also confused,
they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move.

The blonde starts to say, "You don't understand, I'm blonde,
beautiful..." when he interrupts and asks, "Can I whisper something in
your ear?"

"Sure" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear.
Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of
surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. "How did you
get her to move?"

"I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A."

********** 

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp.
They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first
blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this
island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that
I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft
from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get
off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across
the bridge.

*********

A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the 
clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. 
But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and 
baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother 
alone, and subtract the second number from the first." 

"Oh, that won't work," says the blonde.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

+++++++

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear
day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running
commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which
is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was 
formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 
feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 
at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris 
for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile 
across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, 
"Wow! It just missed the highway!"

+++++++

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in
his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you
save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line
model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one
day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.
After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides
to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can
I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will
begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells
himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and
cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five
cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut
one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw
back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains
the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the
chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's
that noise?

********************************************

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and
Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the
first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do
you read us? Over."

"Oink, oink, Pig 1 here, read you loud and clear"

"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"

"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the
moon landing. Over."

"That's right. Over and out."

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2?
Come in please."

"Oink, oink, Pig 2 here, read you loud and clear."

"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on
the green button to initiate the launch program."

"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last
stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts
again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"

"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."

"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any
buttons."

*********************

Two blondes are in a railway station.
"Can I take this train to Boston?" asks the first.
"No," answers the Railroad man.
"Can I?" asks the second blonde.

****************

Joe had been accumulating a considerable debt on his bank's check
protection plan when he received his Christmas bonus. He decided to use
it to pay off the deficit. After waiting in a long line at the bank, he
was called to a window where he found an attractive, young blond female
teller. He asked her if she would retire a loan.

Indignant she answered, 'Sir I'll have you know, I am happily married!'

**************

The doctor was examining a young blonde model who was having terrible pain in her abdomen.
"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.
The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."

+++++++++

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she 
rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

++++++++

There was a blonde who walked into the doctors office with 
two red ears he asked her "what happened to your ears"?

She said I was ironing and the phone rang but I accidentally
picked up the iron instead of the phone. 

Then he asked "then what happened to the other ear" 

She said "they called back" 

+++++++++

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead 
were all talking about their daughters. 

The Brunette said "I was looking through my 
daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't 
believe my daughter smokes." 

The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through 
my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, 
I can't believe my daughter drinks." 

The Blond said "I was looking through my 
daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, 
I can't believe my daughter has a penis!" 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were having 
a conversation one day. 

The Russian said, "We were the first in space." 

The American said, "We were the first on the moon." 

The Blonde said, "So what, we are going to be the 
first ones on the sun." 

The Russian and the American looked at each other. 

Then the Russian said, "You can't land on the sun 
you idiot, you'll burn up!" 

The Blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know, 
we're going at night!" 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde walked onto the plane and sat in first class. 
The flight attendant asked to check her ticket, after 
doing this she told the blonde 
"your ticket says that you are supposed to be in coach, 
I'm going to have to ask you to move" 

The blonde replied "I am a beautiful blonde and 
I am going to Hollywood first class!" 

Well the attendant went and got another attendant 
and the same thing went on again. Finally the first 
attendant went and got the pilot. 

The pilot went and whispered something in the 
blondes ear and she jumped and ran to coach. 

The attendents asked what he told her, and the 
pilot said, 
"I told her first class was not going to Hollywood." 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Blonde Mary was a none-too-bright young 
woman who had moved to Hollywood with 
dreams of becoming a star. She didn't find
fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty 
of men willing to enjoy her plentiful 
charms and soon she found herself
called to testify in a divorce case.

When it was her turn on the stand, the 
lawyer came forward.

"The wife of the defendant has identified 
you as the 'other woman' in her husband's 
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"

"Well, yes," acknowledged Mary with a sniff, 
"but I couldn't help it."

"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer 
derisively. "How's that?"

"Mr. Evans deceived me."

"Exactly what do you mean?"

"See, when we signed in," she explained, 
"He told the motel clerk I was his wife."

++++++++++++++++++

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign 
up with a tourist group and chartered a 
double-decker bus to go to London. 

There are only two seats left on the 
bottom of the bus and only one seat in 
the top of the bus available when they 
board. They decided to take turns riding 
in the top and flipped a coin to see who 
got the first turn. The blonde won the 
toss.

A couple of hours later it's the red 
head's turn so she walks up the stairs, 
and sees the blonde sitting there 
scared half to death. She's clutching 
the seat in front of her so hard that 
her knuckles are white. 

"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. 
We're havin' a grand old time down 
below." 

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've 
got a driver."

~~~~~~

This redhead, brunette, and blonde were talking about space travel. They started talking about which planet they'd go to if they could travel in space.

The redhead said,"I'd go to Mars, because it is red, like my hair."

Then the brunette, not to be outdone, said,"Well I'd go to Saturn, because it's got all those groovy rings."

Finally, the blonde spoke up. She said,"I'd go to the Sun."

The redhead and the brunette laughed.

The redhead said,"Number one, the sun is not a planet." "And number two," the brunette finished,"you'd burn up."

The blonde said,"Well duh! I'd go at night!!!"

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note 
attached to a customers door saying, 
"I need 45 gallons of milk."

He knocked on the door and a beautiful dumb blond 
answered it.

"Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked.

"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said 
that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."

"Really," replied the milkman, "Do you want that 
pasteurized?"

"No, up to my tits would be fine," she said.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City 
to Toronto, the captain announced, 

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. 
There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take 
an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have 
three engines left." 

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, 
"One more engine has failed and the flight will 
take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... 
we can fly just fine on two engines." 

An hour later the captain announced, 
"One more engine has failed and our arrival will be 
delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... 
we still have one engine left." 

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in 
the next seat and remarked, 

"If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!" 

<><><><><>

Two blondes were skiing at Aspen, when they got into a debate about the
best way to ski down a particular hill.

"The best way is down the left side of the course, where it's nearly all
powder," said the
first blonde.

"No, the best way is straight down the middle, where the snow is packed
tight," argued the other.

"Look," said the first blonde. "Let's get another opinion. There's a guy
dragging a sled up the hill. Let's go ask him."

The second blonde agreed, and in a few minutes the two caught up with the
guy.

"Excuse me," said the first blonde. "I say the best way to ski down this
hill is to take the left side of the course, where it's nearly all powder,
and my friend thinks the best way is straight down the middle, where the
snow is packed tight. Can you tell us who's right?"

"Sorry, ladies," said the man, "but there's no use in asking me. I'm a
tobogganist."

"Oh," said the second blonde. "Well, in that case, can I get a pack of
Marlboros Light ?"

+++++++++

My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.
Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great 
tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the 
roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then 
replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."

++++++

  A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant and never have.

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting.

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods
around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and
told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you
like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll
need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been
listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all
the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her
husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.

"I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I
put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch,
it's a Ferrari."

There was this Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of blondes and a team of brown-haired guys.

So the boss said to both teams: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road. The team that installs the most poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of shift, the brown-haired guys came back and the Boss asked them how many they had installed and they said they'd put 12 in.

45 minutes later, the blondes came back in and they were dragging. The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those guys put 12 in!"

"Yeah," said the blond leader, "But you should see how much they left sticking out!"

================

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says:

"Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and body builder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex- professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kick boxer.

Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The guy thinks about it a second and says:

"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

++++++++++++++++++++++

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them,

"Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is."

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're thankful."

St. Peter said, "NO! That's Thanksgiving."

The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."

St. Peter said, "NO! That's Christmas."

The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is. Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Very good!

Then she adds, "and every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."

+++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde steps into an elevator, smiles at the man already on, and says,

"T-G-I-F."

The man smiles and says," S-H-I-T."

The blonde smiles back and replies," T-G-I-F."

The man again smiles and says," S-H-I-T."

The blonde looks confused. She answers the man, and says, "Thank goodness its Friday."

The man smiles and replies, "Sorry honey, its Thursday."

++++++++++++++++

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.................

the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

++++++++++++++++++

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books and TV shows on the subject and finally, after getting all the necessary tools and gear together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from high in the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured herself a nice hot cup of cappuccino from her Thermos and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from above the voice bellowed even louder, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde now quite worried, moved way, way down to the opposite end of the ice, setup her stool and tried again to cut her fishing hole. The voice came once more, really loud now and sounding very angry:

"THERE - ARE - NO - FISH - UNDER - THE - ICE!"

The blonde stopped, looked skyward and asked, "Is ... is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So, then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

++++++++++++++++

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 

"I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."

++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. 

She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" 

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

++++++++++++++

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb, and one of them calls 911...

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves."

===============

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your
only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH!
The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams
into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta
jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're
gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's
Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK"
says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement
like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again,
the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way!
You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the
Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull
the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket
away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket
down, and back away from it . . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

+++++++++++++++++

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

<><><><><>

There was a blonde who walked into the doctors office with two red ears he asked her "what happened to your ears"?

She said I was ironing and the phone rang but I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone.

Then he asked "then what happened to the other ear"

She said "they called back"

+++++++++++++++

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Blond said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were having a conversation one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space."

The American said, "We were the first on the moon."

The Blonde said, "So what, we are going to be the first ones on the sun."

The Russian and the American looked at each other. Then the Russian said, "You can't land on the sun you idiot, you'll burn up!"

The Blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know, we're going at night!"

++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde walked onto the plane and sat in first class.

The flight attendant asked to check her ticket, after doing this she told the blonde "your ticket says that you are supposed to be in coach, I'm going to have to ask you to move"

The blonde replied "I am a beautiful blonde and I am going to Hollywood first class!"

Well the attendant went and got another attendant and the same thing went on again. Finally the first attendant went and got the pilot.

The pilot went and whispered something in the blondes ear and she jumped and ran to coach.

The attendants asked what he told her, and the pilot said,

"I told her first class was not going to Hollywood."

++++++++++++++++++++++++

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

++++++++++++++++

There was a blonde at work and she got a phone call and when she hung up she started crying and crying and her boss came in and asked "what's the matter?"

The blonde said " my dad just died."

Then the phone rang again and the blonde answered it and she started crying again and her boss asked again

" What's the matter "

The blonde "that was my sister and her dad just died too"

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

+++++++++++++++

A blonde from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport.

In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application. The passport official looks over his shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'."

"Doesn't matter," the blonde replies.

++++++++++++++

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with
the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the
eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see
through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate
eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down
her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get
upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set
on wire frames."

------------------------------------------------------------

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie *poof* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So.... a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive".

*Poof* the mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."

*Poof*

+++++

A blonde is driving down the road when she gets into a really bad accident. The highway patrol gets there and when they look inside the car the blonde applying lipstick.

The blonde looked up at the sky and asked, "Where????"

++++

A woman decided to get her house re-painted. She hired a man to be in charge of the painting. The man went over to the woman's house one day, and they began to decide what color she wants the rooms painted. They walked into the entryway and the woman said,  "I want this room painted light pink."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The woman thought that this was weird, but she didn't say anything. They went on to the next room, the dining room. The woman said, "I want this room painted lilac."

So again, the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The women almost said something, but decided not to. They went into the next room, which was the woman's bedroom. The woman said, "I want this room painted blue."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!

The woman said, "I said I wanted this room to be blue."

The man said, "Yeah, that's why I wrote down blue on my note book."

"But then why did you yell 'green side up' out the window?"

The man then replied, "Oh, I've just got a couple of blondes out there laying sod, and I just had to remind them how the sod goes."

+++++++++++++++

At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of
July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known
generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with
you?"

"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge,
have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure... he had one of them fancy
Mitsubishis."

Three women escaped from a prison, a red-head, a blonde 

and a brunette. They run to a nearby farm and quickly go into a barn and find 3 empty brown sacks. Each lady jumps into a sack. Minutes later, the police go take a look at the barn and find the 3 sacks.

One officer kicks the first sack and the brunette mutters, "Meow! Meow!"

The officer says, "it's just some kittens."

He proceeds to kick the other sack and as he does the red-head mutters "Woof! Woof!"

The officer says, "It's just some puppies."

He then kicks the final sack and the blonde mutters,

"Potatoes!!!"

++++++++++++

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial
straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God
for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've
lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and she does not win.

Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to
lose my car."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken
me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children
are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always
been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win
the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,

"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS!

I left the baby on the bus again!"

++++++++++++++++++++

A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying "88, 88, 88."

A blonde saw her and asked her why she did it.

The brunette said that it was fun and that the blonde should try it.

So they were both walking down the middle of the street saying "88, 88, 88."

All of the sudden a huge semi-truck came along and the brunette jumped out of the way....

A brunette was walking down the middle of the street bobbing her head and saying, "89, 89, 89."

+++++++++++++

A blonde studying to be a counselor always went into her counseling sessions with an ear muff over one ear.

After a while the supervisor became very curious and asked her about it.

She replied, "It's for confidentiality."

"Confidentiality?" asked the bewildered supervisor.

"Yes, confidentiality," the blonde explained,

"I've been told what goes in one ear comes out the other and I don't want anyone else knowing what my client says."

++++++++++++++++

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. ]She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,

"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

++++++

A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."

But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.

He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

++++++++++++++++

A red head was in the drivers seat, and a blonde in the passenger seat. 
The red head said, "We're late for work, so watch out for any cops."

As they were speeding down the road, the red head said, "Do you see any cops?"

A blonde gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to her
door and says, "May I see you driver's license, please?" The
blonde responds "What's a driver's license?"

The cop responds, "It's the little ID that has your picture
on it and says it's legal to drive." She says, "Oh, OK," and
gives it to him. He then says, "Can I see your registration,
please."

"What's that?" replies the blonde. The copy says, "It's a
piece of paper stating that you are the owner of the car."
She says, "OK," and gives it to him.

Next, the cop reaches towards his zipper and pulls out his
dick. The blonde than says, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer
test, this is my third one today!"

------------------------------------------------------------
There were 2 blonde girls and they went out to the woods. One looked down and spotted some tracks. She said those tracks were elk tracks. The other girl said that they were deer tracks.

After an hour of arguing they both got hit by the train.

+++++ 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. 

Okay says the lawyer, your turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

***************

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: 

"Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."

"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear"

"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"

"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to
initiate the moon landing. Over."

"That's right. Over and out."

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.

"Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."

"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."

"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."

"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.

"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"

"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."

"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"

"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde guy is in a sports bar crying to the guy on the next stool about his wife. "I thought she might be seeing another guy when I was at work. I work nights. Last night I took a day off work and spied on her.

Sure enough a car drove up and a guy goes to my door. My wife opens the door and she's all dolled up and they embrace and smooch. They get in the car and I follow them.

They went out for dinner playing footsie, holding hands and cooing at each other the whole time.

Then they went to a movie and I went and sat behind them. They smooched through the whole movie. Then they went back to my house and went in side. I saw them in front of the window kissing and then the light went out!! I can't stand it!"

The other guy says, "Yea, it must be terrible knowing your wife has been sleeping around on you."

The blonde guy says, How can I tell for sure? The light went out!"

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she
spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.

She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car.
Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to
watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it
any more she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why
are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds,
"Because it’s an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.
She yells at the blonde in the field. "It’s dumb blondes
like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and
began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and
shook her fist at the blonde in the field yelling, "If I
could swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!"

+++++++++++++++++

There were 3 girls in a truck. One was a brunette, the other was a Red head, and the other was a blonde. The brunette and redhead was in the cab while the blonde was in the back. As they were driving they ran off the road into a river. 

The brunette and redhead got out fine. But it took the blonde a long time.

Then when she came up they asked her what took so long.

She replied, "I couldn't get the tailgate down."

++++++++++++++++

There were a blonde, a brunette and a redhead at the top of Magic Mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if anyone ran and Jumped of the mountain they would become that.

The brunette ran, jumped off and said she wanted to be an eagle. She turned in to an eagle and flew away.

The redhead did the same but said she wanted to be a cat .She turned into one and landed on all fours and walked away.

The blonde ran and tripped over a rock an yelled "Sh**!"...

+++++++++++++++++++

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the
doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"
she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."