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Books
  
The all NEW thinnest books of all time.
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The
Rev. Jesse Jackson
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A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had
just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He
happened to mention that uten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever
printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything
close to that much," replied the man.
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named
Martin Luther."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
CHILDREN’S BOOKS THAT DIDN’T GET PUBLISHED
~ You Were an Accident
~ Strangers Have the Best Candy
~ The Little Sissy Who Snitched
~ Things You Can See When You Peek Through The
Keyhole Of Your Parents Bedroom Door
~ Some Kittens Can Fly
~ Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
~ What Gay Men Do At Home
~ Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
~ Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
~ All Dogs Go to Hell
~ How To Play Doctor With The Girl Next Door
~ The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
~ When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer
They Say God Did It
~ Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
~ What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
~ Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
~ Getting A Spanking From The Babysitter Can Be Enjoyable
~ Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
~ Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
~ Sneaking Money From Mom’s Purse Can Be Easy
~ Drugs Won’t Kill You If You Take Them In The Right Order
~ You Are Different and That's Bad
~ Things You Can Do In The Backseat Of A Car At The
Drive-In Movie
~ Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
~ The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
~ How To Blame Bad Things On Your Siblings
~ The Tickling Babysitter
~ Babar Meets the Taxidermist
~ Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
~ The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
~ Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From
Your Mommy's Purse
~ 100 Ways To Convince Your Sister It’s Not Incest
~ The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
~ Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
~ The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
~ How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
~ Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
~ Cabdrivers Make An Easy Target
~ Why Your Daddy Is A Woman
~ Barney: The Prison Years
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^
"My two favorite things in life are libraries and bicycles. They both move people forward without wasting anything. The perfect day: riding a bike to the library." Peter Golkin, museum spokesman (1966- )
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"Learning is acquired by reading books; but the much more necessary learning, the knowledge of the world, is only to be acquired by reading man, and studying all the various editions of them." Philip Dormer Stanhope, statesman and writer (1694-1773)
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"You think your pains and heartbreaks are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who have ever been alive." James Baldwin, writer, (1924-1987)
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"Books are like imprisoned souls till someone takes them down from a shelf and frees them." Samuel Butler, writer (1835-1902)
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"We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have written those books . It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranges and obeying certain laws, but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations." Albert Einstein
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"In the case of good books, the point is not how many of them you can get through, but rather how many can get through to you." Mortimer J. Adler, philosopher, educator and author (1902-2001)
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"Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?" Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., novelist (1922-2007)
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"There have been great societies that did not use the wheel, but there have been no societies that did not tell stories." Ursula K. LeGuin
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"Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, and soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer that went beyond our farm in Mississippi." Oprah Winfrey
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"Books are the bees which carry the quickening pollen from one to another mind." James Russell Lowell, poet, editor, and diplomat (1819-1891)
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"A book lying idle on a shelf is wasted ammunition. Like money, books must be kept in constant circulation. Lend and borrow to the maximum." Henry Miller, novelist (1891-1980)
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"If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us." Anonymous
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"The best way to teach somebody something is to have them think they're learning something else." Randy Pausch
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"If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." Benjamin Franklin
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"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense." Harold Kushner
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"I divide all readers into two classes: Those who read to remember and those who read to forget." William Phelps
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"What counts, in the long run, is not what you read; it is what you sift through your own mind; it is the ideas and impressions that are aroused in you by your reading." Eleanor Roosevelt
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"Our theories determine what we measure." Albert Einstein
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"A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us." W.H. Auden, poet (1907-1973)
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"To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all of the miseries of life." W. Somerset Maugham
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"Without books the development of civilization would have been impossible. They are the engines of change, windows on the world, "Lighthouses" as the poet said "erected in the sea of time." They are companions, teachers, magicians, bankers of the treasures of the mind, Books are humanity in print." Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)
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"The world of books is the most remarkable creation of man. Nothing else that he builds ever lasts. Monuments fall; nations perish; civilizations grow old and die out; and, after an era of darkness, new races build others." Clarence Day, writer, (1874-1935)
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"Since caveman days around the fire, humans have been hardwired for storytelling. Books, movies, television, advertising, news, speeches, even scientific reports, conference panels and, of course, relating our life experiences to one another - it's all storytelling. It's how we best learn." Ronni Bennett http://ronnibennett.typepad.com/
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"You think your pains and heartbreaks are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who have ever been alive." James Baldwin, writer, (1924-1987)
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"The library is the temple of learning, and learning has liberated more people than all the wars in history." Carl Rowan
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"Anyone who has a library and a garden wants for nothing." Cicero
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"When words escape, flowers speak." Bruce W. Currie
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"The body says what words cannot." Martha Graham
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"The true poem rests between the words." Vanna Bonta
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"Words do two major things: They provide food for the mind and create light for understanding and awareness." Jim Rohn
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"One of the things we admire most in fiction is an ending that is surprising, yet inevitable. This is also what characterizes elegance in design: the invention that's clever, yet seems totally natural." Ted Chiang, Stories of Your Life
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"It is with words as with sunbeams, the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn." Robert Southey (1774-1843)
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"Good writing takes place at intersections, at what you might call knots, at places where the society is snarled or knotted up." Margaret Atwood
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"As I write this, for example, I am sitting comfortably in my rose garden and typing on my new computer. Each rose represents a story, so I'm never at a loss for what to type. I just look deep into the heart of the rose, read its story, and then write it down." Steve Martin
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Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have
written an impressive new book ... It's called:
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
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The World's Shortest Books - Waiting to be Written...
America's Most Popular Lawyers
"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
"My Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
Cleveland -- A Travel Guide
"Conceding Honorably"
by Al Gore
"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
A Collection of Motivational Speeches
by Kevorkian
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
Staple Your Way to Success
The Programmer's Guide to Style and Fashion
And…What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women".
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Greatest Book Titles:
NATIONS
1) Canadian Tips on World Dominance
2) A Guide to Arab Democracies
3) Fat-free German Cooking
4) English Tanning Secrets
5) A Guide to Swiss Beaches
6) Spicy Irish Cooking
7) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns
8) Great Cars of Russia
9) Advances in Chinese Human Rights
PERSONALITIES
1) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
2) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
3) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
MISCELLANY
1) Easy UNIX
2) Popular Lawyers
3) Career Opportunities for History Majors
4) Different Ways to Spell "BOB"
5) Everything Men Know About Women
6) The Amish Phone Book
7) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan
8) Gypsy Sports Heroes
9) Staple Your Way to Success
10) Around the World in a Peugeot
++++++++
KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from
Your Nose
+++++++
Let us introduce the new Bio-optic Organized Knowledge device,
hereafter referred to as B.O.O.K
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology. No wires,
no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or
switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an
armchair by the fire - yet it is so powerful it can hold as much
information as a CD-Rom Disc.
Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in formation density for now. BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be take up at any time and used by merely opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other
devices it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on hard surfaces. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and more forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature which pin points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional BOOKMARK accessory allows you to open BOOK to the nearest place you left it in previous session - even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKMARKS fit universal design standards, thus a single BOOKMARK can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKMARKERS can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at one time. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools. Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli. (PENCILS).
Portable and durable and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of the new entertainment wave
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here's a list of Dr Seuss books you'll never see:
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
19. The Cat In The Hat Is A Convicted Paedophile
20. Salmonella Infected Eggs And Ham
++++++++++
The Shortest Books Ever Written!
11. The Wit and Wisdom of L. Ron Hubbard
10. Let's Go Greenland! (travel guide)
9. Women I Have &*%$#@! by Ricky Martin
8. Nice Things about Dean Martin by Jerry Lewis
7. The Book of French War Heroes
6. Chicken Soup for the Autistic's Soul
5. In Her Own Words by Britney Spears
4. The World's Greatest Jewish Heavyweight Boxing Champs
3. The Book of Really Hot Fat Chicks
2. A Treasury of Great Tasting Tofu Recipes
1. Prayers that Get Results!
******
When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen. -- Oscar Levant
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I
thought: What the hell good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a
bookmark. -- Steven Wright
I have only ever read one book in my life, and that is White Fang. It's so
frightfully good I've never bothered to read another. -- Nancy Mitford (Love in
a Cold Climate, 1949)
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. -- Jim
Loy
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are
still thinking. -- Jerry Seinfield
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. --
Ernest Hemingway
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to
read. -- Mark Twain
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again. --
Mark Twain (talking about Henry James)
A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the
truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far the best parts. --
Charles Dickens
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Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles Since 1998
1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. 101 Games to Play in the Road
4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
5. Your Nightmares are real
6. Monsters Killed Grandpa
7. All Guns Squirt Water
8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
10. Dad's New Wife Robert
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Can You Tell A Book By Its Author?
French Population................Francis Crowded
Downpour! ...........................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ..............................Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring ......................Lynn O'Leum
Handel's Messiah ....................Ollie Luyah
Personal House Construction ....Bill Jerome Home
Unemployed ............................Anita Job
Off to Market ....................Tobias A. Pigg
Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard Home
Alone IV ........................Eddie Buddyhome
Carroll ...................Alison Wonderland Leo
Tolstoy ....................Warren Peace Neither
Borrower ........................Nora Lender Bee
Chef ...................................Sue Flay
Tight Situation .......................Leah Tard
Why Cars Stop ........................M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ...........Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger ..........................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ..................Andover Hand
It's Springtime! ..................Theresa Green
No! ..................................Kurt Reply
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SHORTEST BOOKS THAT WILL EVER BE WRITTEN....
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**
The Vanderbilt were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to
America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle
that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position
by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
+++++++++
Worlds 20 Thinnest Books
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
**********
"We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master." Ernest Hemingway
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"A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us." Franz Kafka
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"Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time. The approach must involve getting something down on the page: something good, mediocre or even bad. It is essential to the writing process that we unlearn all those seductive high school maxims about waiting for inspiration. The wait is simply too long." Leonard S. Bernstein
+++
"The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart." Maya Angelou
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"There are books in which the footnotes or comments scrawled by some reader's hand in the margin are more interesting that the text. The world is one of these books." George Santayana, philosopher (1863-1952)
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"Words are the only things that last forever; they are more durable than the eternal hills." William Hazlitt, essayist (1778-1830)
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"One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is to voyage through time." Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)
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It is almost a truism to say that words have the power to transform us and crystallize our vision of the world. I say almost because, though the statement may seem trite, it is unassailable. Every literate one of us has experienced its truth." Charles Harrington Elster, American writer and broadcaster, The New York Times, September 21, 2003
+++
"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms." Muriel Rukeyser
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"The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think." Edwin Schlossberg, designer
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"All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality--the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape." Arthur Christopher Benson
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"Our truest response to the irrationality of the world is to paint or sing or write; for only in such response do we find truth." Madeleine L'Engle, "The Writer" - June 2002
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"Every word both separates and links; it depends on the writer whether it becomes wound or balm, curse or promise." Elie Wiesel
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"Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind." Rudyard Kipling
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"Poetry begins in delight and ends in wisdom." Robert Frost
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"The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order." Jean Cocteau
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"Slang is the poetry of everyday life." S. I. Hayakawa
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"Poetry is language surprised in the act of changing into meaning." Stanley Kunitz
+++
 
Books Banned from Public Schools
15. Are You There, God? It's Me, the Guy Feeling Up Margaret.
14> A Razor Blade Halloween
13. The Illustrated U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights
12. Curious George Invades Iraq
11. Plowing the Muddy Fields of Madison County
10. Harry Frotteur and the Long Subway Ride
9. Heather Has One Mommy and a Buttload of Daddies
8. I'm O.K., You're an Industrial-Strength Douche Bag
7. The Origin of Feces
6. Blunts of Grass
5. Tommy Lee's Sexual Education Primer
4. Truancy for Dummies
3. The Case for Vouchers and School Choice
2. I Know Where the Caged Girl Dances
1. You Don't Have to Pledge Allegiance If You Don't Want to, Charlie Brown
+++
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