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British Humor
TOURING LONDON
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained
what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was
completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In
Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544,
completed 1618.
"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it
only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?"
"Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
+++++++
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth are standing on a balcony in
St Peter's Square, and they're beaming at the thousands of
people in the courtyard below. The Queen says to the Pope
(out of the side of her mouth of course): "Your Holiness,
I bet you fifty pounds sterling that I can make every English
person in the crowd below go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replies: "No way! You can't do that."
The Queen says: "Just watch this, John Paul!" So she waves
her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy,
waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering
like mad feckers.
The Pope, standing in wonder, thinks to himself: "Oh no,
what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do
it." He thinks a few more minutes, then turns to her and
says: "OK, I bet you I can make every Irish person
in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week,
with just one nod of my head." The Queen replies: "No jolly
way, it can't be done."
At that, the Pope turns to look at the Queen, gives her a
head butt, which causes the Irish in the crowd to cheer madly.
"I told you I could, you royal pain in the ass!"
+++++
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
11. Or Scottish
+++++++++
Top 10 Reasons For Being Welsh
1. You have got to be having a laugh, haven't
you?!?!?!?
++++++
Q: Do you know why British woman are such good swimmers?
A: The Scandinavians threw all their ugly woman into the sea.
+++++++
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force
One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth
II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London
where they board an open, 17th Century coach hitched to six magnificent white
matching horses.
As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the
thousands of cheering Brits lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly
the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire,
including Bermuda, Tortilla and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to
ignore the whole incident. But then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....
I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot
control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give
the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have
thought it was one of the horses."
++++++
True story:
Winston Churchill was visiting another country. The first
evening there, at the state dinner, he pointed to the chicken
entree and said, "May I have some breast?"
The hostess raised her eyebrows and curtly responded, "Mr.
Churchill, in this country we ask for white meat or dark
meat."
"My apologies, Madam, I was not aware of your customs."
The following day, a "thank you" gift was delivered to the
party's hostess of a large orchid. The following was written
on the note: "I would be obliged if you would pin this on your
white meat -- W. Churchill"
+++++++++
Paddy went into a chip shop and said, "Would ye have that film The Guns
Of Navarone?"
The man behind the counter said, "This is a chip shop."
"Oh," said Paddy, "then do you have the sound of music?"
Again the man reminded Paddy he was in a chip shop.
"Roight I see... Well, do you have De Wizzard Of Oz?"
The man now angry said, "Now look, you idiot, this is a chip shop - we sell
fish and chips."
Paddy replied, "Sorry. Oi'll have a bag o chips then... and a fish called
Wanda."
*+*+*+*+*+
The European Commission has just announced an agreement
whereby English will be the official language of the EU
rather than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of her negotiations, Her Majesty's Government con-
ceded that English spelling had some room for improvement
and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known
as 'Euro English'.
In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly,
this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C'
will be replaced with the 'K'. This should klear up kon-
fusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year
when the troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This
will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal
of double letters, which have always been a deterant to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of the silent 'e' in the language is disgrasful, and they
should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing 'TH' with 'Z' and 'W' with 'V'. During ze fifz
yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be dropd from vords kontaining
'OU' and similar changs vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikutlis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!
++++++++
Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Tiger Woods?
A: He's got a better driver.
++++++
A walker exploring the delights of the Isle of Mull lost his way
in the mist and wandered around aimlessly for three days. At last,
the mist rose slightly and he saw a man in the distance. "Help" he
cried and stumbled towards the man who waited for him to reach
him. "Whit's the matter" said the local man.
"I'm lost and I've been wandering around for three days" replied the
hiker. "Is there a reward out for ye, dae ye think?" asked the local.
The walker said he didn't think there would be.
"In that case, you're still lost" said the local and faded into the mist.
+++++++
 
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an
American. She asks her students to raise their hands if
they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting
to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air
like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gretchen has
not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she
has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Britain," boasts the little girl. The teacher
is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Gretchen why she is a Britain.
"Well, my mom and dad are Brits, so I'm a Brit, too." The
teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was
a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Gretchen,
"I'd be an American!"
+++++++++
The Cork born Father O'Connor's reputation for castigating
the Brits from the pulpit was legendary. However, the con-
gregation in his new parish of Boston, Mass., tired of him
lambasting the Brits for the horrors they inflicted upon
the Irish for generations. Ultimately, the Archbishop opted
to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches
of Tennessee where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing
of England and care less. So knock off the Brit bashing and
you'll better serve Holy Mother Church."
Several weeks later, when Father O'Connor stood into the
pulpit to deliver his first sermon to his new congregation,
the local Bishop, who knew of O'Connor's reputation, was
in attendance to check up-on him.
"My dear brethren," Father O'Connor began, "this morning
I'd like to talk about The Last Supper."
Not bad, though the Bishop. Safe enough ground.
"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where
Christ knew he'd been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal
is the worst sin of all. A sin never forgiven by God or man,"
thundered Father O'Connor.
Fair enough, thought the Bishop.
"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you Peter, who
betrayed me?' he asked."
"Not I my Lord," answered Peter.
"Was it you John?"
"Not I my Lord."
"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas,
who was sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. Was
it you, Judas, who betrayed me? asked Christ.
Judas responded, "Wot? Me? Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud."
The Bishop fainted.
+++++++
Q: Why do all the trees in Scotland lean south?
A: Because England sucks!
+++
Q: What is the worst thing about England?
A: Its above sea level.
+++
A "pome' is trying to get to back home to England, but
finds he is $5 short of the fare needed. He approaches
an 'old cobber' and says "G'day mate. I am trying to get
back home to England. Could you spare $5 to help me
out?"
Without hesitating, the cobber replies, "Happy to do that
mate. In fact here is $20...take 3 more of your pome
bastard mates with you!!"
++++++++
In the days when the British Empire was at its height,
someone wrote on the wall of a lavatory:
"The sun never sets on the British Empire":
Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British
in the dark!"
+++++++
 
The Top 17 Signs the Royal Family are Potheads
17> Giggles like a schoolgirl every time someone says,
"Your Highness."
16> "Okay, let me get this straight: if Will has, like, an
'accident,' then *I'll* be king? Dude. That's heavy."
15> Two words: "Sir Cheech"
14> To be knighted in 2002: The members of Cypress Hill, Woody
Harrelson, the guy who invented Chee-tos and the Pakistani
convenience store owner across the street from Windsor
Castle.
13> 2:20 a.m., April 25, 1982: "C'mon, dude, I'm serious --
let's go to war over the Falkland Islands!!"
12> "Hello, Midtown Manhattan Domino's? Do you deliver?"
11> 1361 A.D.: King Edward III pooh-poohs the warning of Sir
Constantine, his personal physician: "Mark my words, My
Liege -- the inhaling of the smoke from that leaf will
enlarge the ears of your descendants!"
10> Every time he arrives at Buckingham Palace, Prince Harry
exclaims, "Whoa, dude! Who lives HERE?!!""
9> They've taken to going back for seconds of traditional
English cuisine.
8> Day and night, a non-stop caravan of Doritos trucks coming
and going at Buckingham Palace.
7> Fergie's weight problems seem to have disappeared now that
she's no longer the Duchess of Munchieville.
6> "I've got a great idea, Mum -- let's get high and go buy you
some hats."
5> Recent ultra-formal royal dinner consisted entirely of an
entire large bottle of Hershey's Chocolate Syrup.
4> This is Prince Charles on Diana. This is Prince Charles on
drugs on Camilla. Any questions?
3> The Queen Mum is like 150 years old and doesn't have glaucoma
yet. You do the math, Chesterfield.
2> "Whoa, check out your ears, dude! They're like, huge!!"
and the Number 1 Sign the Royal Family are Potheads...
1> Big Ben? Big Bong.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
++++++++
An American and a British guy are betting you can tell the
most outrageous story.
The American starts: "There was once an American gentleman
and.."
The Brit interrupts him: " You win!"
++++
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in
the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me...I have Italian blood, French blood, a
little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you
say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of
your mother!"
+++++++++=
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently
been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers."
Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to
become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may
request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who
attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father
is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says,
"I'm off. The government man should be here soon."
Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both
agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really
spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't
worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease
and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures)
"Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top
of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down
to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked
under such impossible conditions. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The
mother got so excited she started bouncing around,
squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate.
I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By
that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush
my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider
my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented
technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my
equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me
to hold while I'm shooting.
Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"
++++++++++++
 
TRUE EXTRACTS FROM UK INSURANCE CLAIM FORMS:
1. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
2. I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.
I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
3. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
4. This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The
questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
5. I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel
and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused
me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
6. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
7. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the
pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
8. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
9. I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not
have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
10. Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other
pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
11. First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a
haggis ran into the rear of second car.
12. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
13. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
14. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
in-law and headed over the embankment.
15. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
16. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
17. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
18. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
19. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
20. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
21. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when
my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
22. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck
the pedestrian.
23. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
24. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
25. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found
in a ditch by some stray cows.
+++++++++
A group of American tourists were being guided
through an ancient castle in England.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years
old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing
altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman, "they must have
the same landlord I have."
+++++++++
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American
are out walking along the beach together one day. They
come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish," says the genie.
The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer
and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever
fertile in America."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM!' - the land in
America was made fertile forever for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
around France, so that no one can come into our
precious country."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF!' –
there was a huge wall all around France.
The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall?"
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high,
50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
+++++++++++++++
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They
decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him
St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second
Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off ...
watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the
Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your
St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.
"You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off ...
just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman,
tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an
Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In the days when the British Empire was at its height,
someone wrote on the wall of a lavatory:
"The sun never sets on the British Empire":
Somebody added, "because God doesn't trust the British
in the dark!"
++++++++++
My husband is English and I'm American. I wonder what
our children would be like. They'd probably be rude, but
disgusted by their own behavior. - Rita Rudner
++++++
Hello there, in England we have a telecommunications company called NTL
who do all the usual telecommunications things. Anyway, somebody who I
work with has a friend who works in the customer service department
of NTL and received a complaints letter and emailed it to him because it
is so funny. If you find it boring just delete it but I think you will have
a laugh.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I
spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and
the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by
playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are
no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation
then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget
to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived.
After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls
over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of
your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours
between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the
useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your
no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly
skilled bollock-jugglers. I have been informed:
that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed),
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on
this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that
they had attained the holy piss-pot of God-awful customer relations,
that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I
chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How
surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum --
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though
they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss
filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I
have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of
service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such
activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although
these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a
small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable, short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
XXX
++++++++
On the border of England and Wales there's this small forest that's managed by a couple of wardens, one from England and one from Wales. Whilst patrolling the forest one day, the English warden comes across a wolf caught in a trap. Immediately he returns to his office and phones the Welsh warden and tells him that one of his wolves is caught in a trap.
"How do you know it's one of our wolves?" asks the Welsh warden.
"Well," replies the English warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs, and he's still trapped."
+++++++
It is said that King Henry IV of England decided to ban
the wearing of gold or jewelry in the kingdom.
His advisors laughed behind his back concerning
the edict because they thought its enforcement
impossible.
Then Henry IV had an idea.
He passed a second edict which exempted
all thieves and prostitutes from the first ruling.
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are the English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her
the bad news that she was being sacked.
He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really
don't know how we're going to get along without you, but
starting Monday, we're going to try."
++++++++++
An Organization That Makes Men Fear Marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was
highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to
marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud
pack.
++++++++
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English.
One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news
that she was being fired.
He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how
we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going
to try."
**********
A young girl from Ipswich went down to the social services to get
her family allowance.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne?" he asked in amazement "What if you
want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all
come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat ya dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he
asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."
+++++++
R-rated English Humor:
TRUE STORY: There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit. In Tillit is a pub called The Cockwell Inn. The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes. Her address is: Miss Lucy Likes The Cockwell Inn Tillit Herts.
++++++++
This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter,
cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful
activities" with ten beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen,
or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man
was.
"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."
"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"
+++++++++++++
Giving The Finger
Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Giving the Finger Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore
be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was
known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the
defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an
intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
"giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything.
********************************************
British Etiquette
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. When your Date is using her teeth
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...
and it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see
nothin'.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much beer as the guys.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and
threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if
necessary.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
********************************************
The following are actual ads placed in the Personal section of
the Ministry of Sound magazine (UK Clubbing/Lifestyle Magazine):
ARE YOU AGED 18-30, female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a
recent graduate and into politics? Then F##k off! I want a shit-
thick 16 year old bird with no opinions and massive tits! Reply
to box. xxxx
WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers,
dancing to left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last
Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant
to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a
wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now. Reply to xxxx
ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all you valuables
while you're out because we're thieving scally b**tards. Reply to xxxx
IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High
Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool
Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us
are f**king trying to get some sleep. Reply to xxxx
ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months
ago without any form of birth control? Please write to me. I'd... ummmm... love to hear from you. Just to see how you are
and stuff. Don't worry, there's nothing to worry about.
Really. It's just that I'm going to have a... ummm... a PARTY!
Yes, that's it. A party. Reply xxxx
WANTED: COCAINE. Lots of it. Reply to xxxx
WERE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey
Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going
to glass you. Reply to xxxx
++++++++++
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl
notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's
wearing. She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why
does one of your wellies have an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and
replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is
for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
+++++++++
An American tourist was walking along a London street on
a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking
towards him. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman's
dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers.
The American, trying to sound as English as possible,
said to the woman, "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?"
The woman scowled and replied angrily, "What the fuck
did you expect? Feathers?"
++++++++++++
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight
for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island,
three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in
battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we
weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't
give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each
of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've
decided to do is to let each of you choose two points
on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for
each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start
on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes
to 140 pounds."
Soldier 2: The tip of the finger on one outstretched
hand to the tip of the other, sahr!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes
to 144 pounds."
Soldier 3: "The tip of me penis to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your
trousers, son!
As the general began the measurements, he exclaimes:
"My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
++++++++++
British Journalistic Blunders
"Julian Dicks (West Ham United)
is everywhere. It's like they've
got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio Sports Commentary)
++++++
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman
and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient
in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs
She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and
the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher
her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable
to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
Scroll down.
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What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo.....! Her husband speaks English!! Remember???
Now get back to work..........
++++
Abe meets Isaac in Margaret Street, well known in London
for it's clothing trade.
"Hello, Isy, how are you?"
" Oh, don't ask!"
"Why, have you got troubles?"
"Don't ask Abe"
"But I am your friend, tell me."
"You know my son, comes to the factory 11 o'clock in the
morning, necks with all the models, don't see him the rest
of the afternoon. And you, how are you?"
"Oh, don't ask."
"Why, you have trouble?"
"You ask if I have trouble. Have I got trouble!"
"Well, I told you mine , you tell me yours."
"You know my son, comes to the factory 11 o'clock in the
morning has a cup of tea, necks with all the models, don't
see him the rest of the afternoon."
"Then your troubles are like mine"
"No. You're in woman's fashion, I'm in men's."
+++++++
Q: What's the difference between a British man and his
girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.
+++++++
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says,
"Accountants are the best people to operate on because when
you open them up, everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them
is color-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Britain's. They're heartless,
spineless and gutless, and their heads and asses are
interchangeable."
++++++
An English couple are having sex. At a certain moment during
the activities, he asks her: "Did you move?"
She replies: "No."
He says, "Oh, must have been just an impression then."
+++++++
A Yank is walking along a street when he comes across an
Englishman with a book under his arm.
YANK: Points to the book and asks "Hey buddy what's that?"
BRIT: "That my friend is a book."
YANK: "A book, what the hell is a book?"
BRIT: "A book is something to read, to gain knowledge."
YANK: "Well what's the goddamn book about?"
BRIT: "Logic my friend, It is about logic."
YANK: "Logic, what the fuck is logic?"
The Brit realizing that this conversation was becoming
tiresome replies: "Let me ask you a few questions--do
you have an aquarium?"
YANK: Yup, I got me one, real fine it is too!"
BRIT: "Then you like fish."
YANK: "Gee that's great...hey buddy, tell me more."
BRIT: Looking the Yank square in the eyes: "OK, you look as
though you like trees, flowers, fresh air and going for
long walks in the country, am I right?"
YANK: "Yup."
BRIT: "I would hazard a guess that you like taking your wife
with you too?"
YANK: "Yup sure do."
BRIT: "I bet that you like making love to your wife out in
the wide-open spaces?"
YANK: Now with a huge grin on his blue-chinned face: "Yeah,
you bet ya, I just love to do that and my wife likes
it too, if we can get away with it and the Sheriff
ain't lookin'."
BRIT: "Well you see from this short conversation we have
established the following; you like fish, trees,
flowers, fresh air and you are very definitely not a fag."
YANK: "That's fantastic, I just gotta buy me a book on
logic."
So our intrepid cousin from God's own country finds the
closest bookstore and buys an American book on logic (not
quite as thick as the Brit's example), and proudly walks
off when strangely enough he meets a fellow American.
YANK2: Points to the book and asks: "Hey buddy what's that?"
YANK1: "That is a book."
YANK2: "A book, what the hell is a book?"
YANK1: "A book is something to read, to gain knowledge."
YANK2: "Well, what's the goddamn book about?"
YANK1: "Logic."
YANK2: "Logic...what the fuck is logic?"
YANK1: "Let me ask you a few questions--do you have an
aquarium?"
YANK2: "Nope."
YANK1: "Shit, you must be a goddamn fag!"
++++++++
Lord Smithers called his butler and said, "Jeeves, I have an
erection."
Jeeves asked, "Shall I fetch madam?"
"No" responded Smithers. "Fetch my baggy pants. I'll smuggle
this one into town!"
+++++++
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are all to
give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make
an impression on their audience.
The Irishman goes first and to the surprise of his
colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then
his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Englishman
ask him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated
breasts, and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin, I
indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech
started, "Ladies and gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself
I'll go one better than that Irish bastard and started his
speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his
head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers and then rubbing
my chest and groin, I was starting my speech by saying,'
Deer ladies and gentlemen'."
On his way up to the podium the Englishman thought to him-
self, "I'll go one further than those bastards," and started
his speech by making an antler symbol above his head,
rubbing his chest and then his groin, and then masturbating
furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
"Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest
and then my groin and then masturbating, I was starting my
speech by saying, 'Deer ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
great pleasure.......'."
+++++++++
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her
husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says, "An English girl!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks "So, honey, how was the
trip?"
"Very good, thank you".
"And, what happened to my present?".
"Which present?"
"What I asked for....the English girl?
"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a
few months to see if it is a girl...!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing
associations throughout the UK:
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob
off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls
are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not
fit to drink.
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am
his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and
dangerous.
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still
have had no satisfaction.
17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
in it.
18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take
it any more.
++++++
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short
time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a
card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words
"British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped
through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British
Airways.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
++++++++
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins
and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one
house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick
look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he
knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers. "Harro," says the jappy
chappy.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet," replies the Japanese bloke, looking
perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman
smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I tol you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate," says the dustman, "you're misunderstanding me.
Where's your Wheely Bin?"
"OK, OK!" says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank."
=========================================
Return to Jokes index
Needed: More British Jokes! Please send us your favorites to: Jokes@riches2surf.com Thanks,
The Jokester ++++++++++++++++
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