Bush Humor

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before...I am a boon to the English language. -- George W. Bush

Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. 
 
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private  bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
 
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."

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George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland ." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

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George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."

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Bush Presidential Library

There's a show on C-SPAN about presidential libraries. Here're what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).

To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

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Ode to Me
by George W. Bush, Poetizer

Poor people aren't necessarily killers.
Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment.
Eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class.
See, the Senate wants to take away some of the powers of the Administrative branch.
I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense.
Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?
Every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty...I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas .
Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.
They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program.
God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear.
Eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race.
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three---three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?
Except when yer marchin' to war, it's not a very optimistic thought, is it? In other words, it's the opposite of optimistic when yer thinkin' yer goin' to war.
We spent a lot of time talkin' about Africa , as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
Budget numbers are not just estimates; these are actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the thirtieth.
Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as bein' against things. Anti-immigrant, for example.
See, in my line 'o work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in...to kinda catapult the propaganda.
Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh.

Thank ya.

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Ben & Jerry created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. They then asked people to fill in the blank for the following:

For George W. they created "_________".

Here are some of their favorite responses:

- Grape Depression
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut’n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock ‘n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Impeach Mint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn’t Care About Dark Chocolate
- WMDelicious
- Guantanmallow
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese’s-cession
- Cookie D’oh!
- Housing Crunch
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate… and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- “You’re Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A” Sundae
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherf**ker… Swirl
- Country Pumpkin
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands…with nuts

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"Nice to have you all here. As you all know, George Bush is no longer president, so they'll be no monologue." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, when President Bush returned to Texas, people who were there to greet him were holding up signs that said, 'You made us so proud.' Afterwards, the people admitted that the store was out of 'You totally embarrassed us' signs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is back in Texas , unemployed like much of the rest of America . Bush reportedly spent the day cataloging his papers, outlining his memoirs, and sketching out plans for his presidential library. Just kidding. He spent four hours seeing how many Reese's Pieces he could hold between his toes. 38, it turns out." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This morning, Barack Obama entered the Oval Office for the first time as president and he spent ten minutes alone. Yep. Shows you how things have changed. When President Bush spent ten minutes alone in the Oval Office, it was called a time-out." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, did you all see Obama's speech? He said America is finally ready to lead again, to which Bush said: 'Hey, I'm sitting here! Hello! I'm still here!'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in the latest issue of the 'Spider-Man' comics. That's when you know you're big, when you're in 'Spider-Man' comics. The story is about how Spider-Man stops bad guys from ruining Barack's inauguration. And psychologists believe this comic book was actually very handy in helping President Bush understand the transition." --Jay Leno

"Officials at the White House say that President Bush completed his last piece of official business in the Oval Office at 6:00 am this morning. Yep. Bush says it should take Obama weeks to find where he hid the dead fish." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for, 'former President George Bush,' President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush's last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark , Italy , Russia and South Korea to say, 'thank you.' Yeah, his exact words were, 'thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he's going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he's going to do with the other 14 minutes." --Jay Leno

"But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. He admitted — it takes a big man to do this — he admitted that a couple things didn’t go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. His first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman

"But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?" --David Letterman

"By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford , Texas , and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years." --David Letterman

"Today was President Bush's last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, 'I never got to find out what HUD means.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, one more week left of President Bush, and the President has been busy saying his good-byes. Yesterday, he gave an unusually candid and animated press conference. As you may know, President Bush was never a big fan of press conferences because the press never really understood him, mostly because he makes up his own words. I'm really going to miss him. Can't we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he doesn’t actually make any decisions? I mean, I'm all for change, but I have a show to do here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart

"In an interview that was taped yesterday, President Bush said that the biggest disappointment of his presidency was the people who expressed bitterness about his leadership. And that was just at the Christmas dinner with his family." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown." --David Letterman

"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the 'Late Show.' We're going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'" --David Letterman

"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno

"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans ." --Jay Leno

"It was an historic day in Washington , as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?" --David Letterman

"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman  

"Now there is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, 'I do tears.' So lets see, he's impulsive, he's stubborn, he's weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president." --Bill Maher

Yesterday in Australia , a TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention ... he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said." --Bill Maher "I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq . Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno

"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a concert of the Virginia symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown , President Bush briefly took over conducting the orchestra. Which explains why the orchestra is now four trillion dollars in debt." --Seth Meyers

"President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. President Bush says he's gonna miss listening to Tony Blair, because when he closes his eyes, Blair sounds just like C3PO." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, a group of Republican congressmen asked President Bush what his 'Plan B' is if the current Iraq plan doesn't work. The 'Plan B' discussion was difficult for Bush, because it involves two areas where he's extremely vulnerable -- Iraq and the alphabet." --Conan O'Brien

"Prime Minister Tony Blair of England just announced that he will step down next month, which means that President Bush is going to lose his closest foreign ally. Bush was sad, and said, 'Now, the only foreign leader I can trust is Arnold Schwarzenegger.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in this state of California , the first Republican debate was held at the Reagan Presidential Library. The candidates tried to distance themselves from President Bush. Apparently, the first step in distancing yourself from President Bush is appearing at a library"--Conan O'Brien

"This is the week that Congress sent the president a bill to bring the troops home, which, of course, as he promised he would do, vetoed it. The president said setting a deadline for withdrawal was setting a date for failure. And we all know, this is a president who likes his failures unplanned and spur-of-the-moment." --Bill Maher

"Congress has finally passed a bill that requires troops to start leaving Iraq . ... Bush has not had a challenge like this since Laura poured his Wild Turkey down the toilet." --Bill Maher

"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Bush visited Walter Reed today. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher

"President Bush has big April Fools' Day plans. He's going to call Alberto Gonzales and tell him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman

"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien

"Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher

"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America . A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher

"To give you an idea of how popular he is not ... in South America, he's going to visit on Monday the sacred Mayan ruins, and after he leaves the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony to get rid of the bad spirits. And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq , New Orleans , Guantanamo Bay , Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher  

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Phyrx3VuwcM

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"Things getting very nasty in Washington . Today the White House denied an assertion by Senator Harry Reid that the Iraq war is 'the worst foreign policy mistake in U.S. history.' The White House said, 'You have to realize that President Bush has two more years in office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The House passed a non-binding resolution against the surge. Bush says he can't wait to get it to his imaginary desk and veto it with his air pen. He said, 'I've got my own non-binding resolution. It's called the United States Constitution.'" --Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush spoke on the phone with the prime minister of Australia . When the prime minister told him it was tomorrow in Australia , Bush's head exploded." --Conan O'Brien

"In 2036, an asteroid is going to hit Earth. ... Talk about pressures for President Bush. The question President Bush has been asking himself all day is 'Where is Superman?'" --David Letterman

"Did you all have a nice Presidents' Day yesterday? President Bush marked the occasion in his usual way -- by ignoring the other two branches of government." --Jay Leno

"The president had another press conference this weekend. He was really banging the war drum about Iran . He said after 9/11, Katrina, and Iraq , he wants to go out with just one more giant f**k up." --Bill Maher

"He said the Iranians are sending weapons into Iraq . He's sure it's reliable intelligence, 'cause this time he was in the room when they made it up." --Bill Maher

"Former Clinton adviser Dick Morris said, 'Hillary Clinton will be the next president, but she'll be the worst president we've ever seen.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, I'm not finished yet.'" --Conan O'Brien

“A total now of eight people have announced that they want to be president. It's George Bush's fault. He has lowered the standard." --David Letterman

"As it does every year, this State of the Union matches up two bitter rivals: the president of the United States and words." --Jon Stewart

"31 million people watched the president -- many, I suspect, in hopes that he would get voted off. ... One of the big topics, of course, was the war. The president said he understands that Americans are losing patience, but he would like us to give his new plan a chance to work. In other words, all he is saying is give war a chance" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'll give President Bush credit though. He addressed the problems troubling Americans -- the war in Iraq , the economy, the need to develop alternative fuels. He seemed to know what we were thinking. It's almost as if he was reading our mail or listening to our phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Seriously, the stakes are very high. And in this high stakes game, the president of the United States made one simple request [on screen: Bush asking Americans to give the new Iraq strategy a chance]. He's right. Everyone deserves a seventh chance." --Jon Stewart, on Bush’s State of the Union address

"During an interview with '60 Minutes' on Sunday, President Bush defended the invasion of Iraq , saying, 'We liberated that country from a tyrant. I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude.' Said the Iraqi people, 'We've been meaning to send a card, but our Hallmark store keeps blowing up.'" --Amy Poehler

"Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother." --David Letterman

"President Bush is still on the road trying to drum up support for his new Iraq program. ... This time, Bush has an exit strategy for the Iraqi war. In January of 2009, he will escape to Crawford , Texas ." --David Letterman

"President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'" --David Letterman

"President Bush has called on Iraq for a better performance by their government. And today, Iraq said, 'Uh, you first.'" --Jay Leno

"Bush admitted to making mistakes in Iraq and says he has learned from these mistakes and will do better in Iran ." --David Letterman

"The good news is last night President Bush finally admitted he's made mistakes in Iraq . The bad news is he's planning to make the same mistakes again." --Jay Leno

"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush also said that all the military commanders who have looked at his plan say it will work. That's because all the ones who said it wouldn't work aren't military commanders anymore." --Jay Leno

"Well, for the first time, President Bush admitted we are not winning the War in Iraq . But he said today that we're not winning but we're not losing. To which John Kerry said, make up your mind!" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama was in New Hampshire Sunday. When informed of this, President Bush excitedly asked, 'Did we catch 'em?' --Seth Meyers

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George W. Bush Quotes:  

"Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" -- Florence , South Carolina , Jan. 11, 2000

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington , D.C. , Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." -- Washington , D.C. , Dec. 19, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." -- Washington , D.C. April 18, 2006 (Read more; listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." -- Nashville , Tenn. , Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." -- Poplar Bluff , Mo. , Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -- Washington , D.C. , Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip)

"You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." --to a divorced mother of three, Omaha , Nebraska , Feb. 4, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005 (Listen to audio clip; watch video clip)

"My answer is bring them on." --on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington , D.C. , July 3, 2003  

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America . It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -- Philadelphia , Penn. , May 14, 2001

"This is an impressive crowd -- the haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite -- I call you my base." --at the 2000 Al Smith dinner

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -- LaCrosse , Wis. , Oct. 18, 2000

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." --Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." -- Greece , N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio clip)

"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." -- Washington , D.C. , Sept. 19, 2002

"I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." --after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

"You forgot Poland." --to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." --in parting words to world leaders at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as those present looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008

"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." --State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003 , making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." -- Washington , D.C. , Sept. 13, 2001

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." --Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

"So what?" –President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008

"Can we win? I don't think you can win it." --after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." --Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." --to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

"Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq , the United States and our allies have prevailed." --speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories ... And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." --Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

"Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" --joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004 (Read more)

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." -- Washington , D.C. , May 12, 2008

"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." --at the President's Economic Forum in Waco , Texas , Aug. 13, 2002

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa , as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." -- Gothenburg , Sweden , June 14, 2001

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." - Townsend , Tenn. , Feb. 21, 2001

"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." -- Washington , D.C. , Oct. 3, 2001

"Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -- you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." -- Washington , D.C. , Aug. 6, 2004 (Watch video clip)

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington , D.C. , Dec. 10, 2001 (Listen to audio clip)

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

"I'm the commander -- see, I don't need to explain -- I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." --as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." --discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson in 2003, as quoted by Robertson

"I think I was unprepared for war." –on the biggest regret of his presidency, ABC News interview, Dec. 1, 2008

"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." --presidential debate, St. Louis , Mo. , Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video clip)

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." --Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)

"Do you have blacks, too?" --to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington , D.C. , Nov. 8, 2001

"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." --as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

"I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." --on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -- Saginaw , Mich. , Sept. 29, 2000

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." --on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

"They misunderestimated me." -- Bentonville , Ark. , Nov. 6, 2000  

++++++

 
George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington , D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

• Ran for congress and lost.
• Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
• Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas ; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
• With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

• Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union .
• Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America . Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. 
• Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.  
• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

• Attacked and took over two countries.
• Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
• After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
• In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
• Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
• Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
• Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
• Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
• Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
• Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
• Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
• First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
• Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
• First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
• Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States .
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board. 
• Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
• Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
• Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
• Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
• First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
• All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
• My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
• Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
• First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
• First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
• With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
• Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea .
• Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
• Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
• Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States .
• Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
• In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
• Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine ( Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
• AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
• Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
• For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

++++

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush  has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

++++  

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

+++

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

+++

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans .

+++

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

+++++

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

+++++

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may ! not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here? 

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

+++++

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

++++  

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."

+++

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

+++  

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings.

His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and
making the United States the most hated country on earth.

He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome .

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but compared to Dick Cheney...

George W. Bush is a saint."  

+++++

25 Things You Should Have Done BEFORE the Bush Inauguration:

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.

2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.

3. Cash a Social Security check.

4. See a doctor of your own choosing.

5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.

6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).

7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.

8. Hoard gasoline.

9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye , Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.

10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.

11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.

12. Stay out late before the curfews start.

13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".

14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.

15. Use the phrase "you can't do that - this is America ".

16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.

17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.

18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.

19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.

20. Learn French.

21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US .

22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.

23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.

24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".

25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

+++++

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

++++

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington , D.C. , came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

+++++

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, "I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."

++++

First Draft of Bush's Inaugural Address

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach.

I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.

Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table.

That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets in Laredo ".

(Music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: "I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives."

(Exxon commercial).

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds. 

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you, and God help America .

+++++

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The
robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's
your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituallity, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes
back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectlty
prepared
drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR,
baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one
more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's
your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for
Bush again?"


+++++

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks
him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom,
please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens
to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers,
"Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure
moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush
leads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

~~~~~~~

Bush Quotations

#10: "I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just
like me." -Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

#9: "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the
illiteracy level of our children are appalling." -Washington, D.C., Jan.
23, 2004

#8: "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be
allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the
whim of a hat." -Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004

#7: "I want to thank the astronauts who are with us, the courageous
spacial entrepreneurs who set such a wonderful example for the young of
our country." -Washington, D.C. Jan. 14, 2004

#6: "We will make sure our troops have all that is necessary to complete
their missions. That's why I went to the Congress last September and
proposed fundamental - supplemental funding, which is money for armor
and body parts and ammunition and fuel." -Erie, Pa., Sept. 4, 2004

#5: "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very
plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week - we
will have an all-volunteer army!" -Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004

#4: "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a -
you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity.
And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes
is one between sovereign entities." -Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

#3: "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a
draft." -second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

#2: "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many
OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this
country." -Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

#1: "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They
never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we." -Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

+++++

When asked how he felt about Roe versus Wade,
George W. Bush replied frankly:
"I don't care how people get out of New Orleans, as long as they get out."

++++

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked
the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy (lil Johnny) raised his
hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.
Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?"

"Well," says Lil Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as
hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."

++++++

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits in stunned silence--shocked at this uncharacteristic
display of emotion--nervously watching as the President sits slumped
in his chair with his head in his hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

++++++

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that
some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he
says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning
mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter
scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to
prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

++++++++++

President Bush met with the King of Belgium this morning. The meeting
got off with a rocky start when President Bush said, 'I love your
waffles.' ~Craig Ferguson

+++++

Yesterday was Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, "it is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication -- and the other involves a groundhog."

+++++

For those of us still in total disbelief about this unexplainable election, this should come as a very welcome relief! It is completely true, and puts it into proper prospective, at least for the time being. Those of us who actually live in a Blue state are damn lucky indeed!!!

With the Blue States in hand, the Democrats have firm control of:

80% of the world's fresh water;
over 90% of our pineapple and lettuce;
93% of the artichoke production;
95% of America's export quality wines
most of the US low-sulphur coal;
all living redwoods, sequoias and condors;
gorgeous Oregon beaches and forests;
all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools,
plus Stanford, CalTech and MIT.
We can live simply but well.
On the other hand, the Republicans, having the Red States, now have to cope with:
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care cost spike);
92% of all US mosquitoes;
the entire US population of crocodiles and alligators;
90% of the US poisonous snakes;
99% of all Southern Baptists;
100% of all Televangelists and Rush Limbaugh;
Bob Jones University
100% of the tobacco industry
A high price to pay for controlling the presidency

++++++

CDC Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect
him"). Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed
for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from
this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include,
but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits, delusions of
grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English
language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to incorporate new information;
pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions;
exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history;
tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong
propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists
are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a
few years ago from a Texas Bush.

+++++

Who's On First for the Next Generation!

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the
Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

+++++

The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.

George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot,
"Such big shots back there..... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make 56 million people very happy.

+++++++

CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS

By Joe Blundo
Columbus Dispatch columnist, morning edition
November 16, 2004

Ottawa, Canada: The flood of American liberals
sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified
in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of
President Bush is prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see
dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights
activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at
night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said
Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and
some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have
any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay."

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.
So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush
Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush
annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers
who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them
into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the
border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I
found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often wailing loudly that they fear
retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned
to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus
trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After
catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in
powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The
Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their
age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage
and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I
feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident
said. "How many art-history majors does one country
need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United
States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with
the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have
some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put
some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."

+++++
As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and
more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious
day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last
and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
++++
On a recent campaign trip through Wisconsin G. W. Bush visited the City
of Green Bay. He met with the elders of the Oneida Nation. He said he
had a plan to improve the income of every Native American by $40,000.00
a year. Details of the plan were not presented despite frequent
requests to do so. Bush also informed the elders that he favored every
Native American issue proposed or sent to him for his signature.

Bush was adopted as a member of the Oneida Nation and given the name
Walking Eagle.

After the President left, one of the elders was asked the
significance of the name Walking Eagle.

His response---" Bird so full of shit it can't fly "

++++++++++++

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in
Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we're making so much
progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is."
-- Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the
source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To
recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the
leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama bin Laden, the link between
Saddam and Osama bin Laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail,
and his butt with two hands and a flashlight."
--Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House
Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on
vague intelligence. Of course he did: EVERYTHING Bush does is based on vague
intelligence."
-- Jay Leno

"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause
unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from
scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going
on, wouldn't you believe him?"
--Jay Leno

+++++

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at
The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
Moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

++++++

One morning, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies,
"I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what may I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.

He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr.President," the waitress says. "How rude ! .... you're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you haven't even been in office a full term yet."

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush, and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

++++++

=: Teacher Arrested :=

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport yesterday, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

+++++

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

++++

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying
job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since
President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the
worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I
lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost
virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the
authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they
arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants, to insure that a Democrat is
back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your readers would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to
read my letter.

Sincerely,
Sadaam Hussein

++++++

OUTSOURCING JOBS REACHES NEW HEIGHTS
by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill

Washington DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as of June 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (D Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General Accounting Office) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a
month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday." Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr. Bush and will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself."

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed person may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there," stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.

Meanwhile in Baghdad and Falluja, Iraq, sources report that local Iraqis say Mr. Bush would receive an especially warm reception from them. Such sources stated the Iraqis only request would be to be informed of which convoy he would be riding in order to give him the welcome he deserves.

Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.

+++++

REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION SCHEDULE: NYC 2004

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding Second Amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting your kid a military deferment"
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's what’s for dinner."

8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: "Corporations: The government of the future"

9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The real cause of forest fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: "Doublespeak made easy"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark 'deer in headlights' stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: "Education: A drain on our nation's economy"

11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton

11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12: 00PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Master of ALL

++++

Bush letter to Hinckley

You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for
unsupervised visits to his parents home on weekends. For those of you who
may be too young to remember John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan
to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is a nice letter from the President:

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON D.C.

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC

Dear John:

Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery
from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to
have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine. I have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents.

I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.

By the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jodie Foster?

Sincerely,

George W. Bush
President

++++++

Vice President Cheney has criticized Richard Clarke,
the White House's chief coordinator for
anti-terrorism, by saying he was 'out of the loop.'
So how is that a criticism of Clarke?
Shouldn't the Bush administration put their chief
coordinator for anti-terrorism 'in the loop'?
Shouldn't that guy BE THE LOOP?! - Jay Leno

=======

Bushisms:

"It's very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America." ---George W. Bush, Dakar, Senegal, July 8, 2003
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am determined to keep the process on the road to peace." ---George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 10, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." ---George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances." ---George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't bring God into my life to — to, you know, kind of be a political person." ---George W. Bush, interview with Tom Brokaw aboard Air Force One, April 24, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Now, we talked to Joan Hanover. She and her husband, George, were visiting with us. They are near retirement --- retiring --- in the process of retiring, meaning they're very smart, active, capable people who are retirement age and are retiring." ---George W. Bush, Alexandria, Va., Feb. 12, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end." ---George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 8, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This very week in 1989, there were protests in East Berlin and in Leipzig. By the end of that year, every communist dictatorship in Central America had collapsed." ---George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 6, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say." ---George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, finally-

"We've got hundreds of sites to exploit, looking for the chemical and biological weapons that we know Saddam Hussein had prior to our entrance into Iraq." ---George W. Bush, Santa Clara, Calif., May 2, 2003

+++++

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." —Jay Leno

+++

"Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman

+++

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." —Jay Leno

+++

Janet Jackson's 'wardrobe malfunction' cost CBS Five hundred and Fifty grand this week. Boy, what a tough week for the network. First, the false documents on President Bush's National Guard record and now this. CBS says they have learned their lesson: no more trying to expose boobs. -- Bill Maher

Bush's Brain Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "That's true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left."


+++++

"A tragic fire on Monday destroyed
the personal library of President
George W. Bush.
Both of his books have been lost.

A Presidential spokesman said the
President was devastated, as he had
not finished coloring the second one."

++++

Presidential Address Text

What follows is the text of a presidential address to be given by President Bush on July 4, 2003.
The source of this material remains unidentified.

My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable.

Our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal
of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic?
Call France.

In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help?
Call Germany.

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize?
Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s
and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose.

Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal.
Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO
as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
I love New York.

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for
a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around.
Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

It is time to eliminated hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.
It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.
We will develop energy independence.
We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny.
I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first actions that that August body should take as we move in a new direction.

Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office.
The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about takin one of those cruises up to Alaska.
Personally, I couldn't care less who gets elected in 2004.
Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton.
She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

++++++++

Until recently, the official White House
web site had this message displayed...

A Message from the President:
Yep, you heard right, we're on vacation. My first few months in
office have been exturpinarily tiring because of the burdens of being the ChieF of State. Being a President can be downrite exosting. And I should make it cleer - this is not mearly a "vacation," but a "working vacation." Which sum people consider an oxymoron, but trust me, I see a moron in the mirror each and every day, and "working vacation" is not one of them.

So, for the time bein', yore on yore own. Cheney will stand in for me
When he gets home frum fund rasin.

George W. (Gone Golphin') Bush

~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Hu's on First: Abbott and Costello do the Bush White House


HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?

++++++++
 

"The White House was considering pushing back an attack on Saddam Hussein until after January 1st. When asked why, a White House spokesperson said, ‘it's hard to get President Bush to focus on anything until after Santa comes.’" ---Conan O'Brien

++++

"Dear Al"

From: The White House
To: Albert Gore, Jr.

Dear Al:

We found some more votes. You won!

When do you want to take over?


Sincerely,

George W. Bush

++++++++++

PRETZEL EATING IN SAFETY AND COMFORT
A Guide for the Dangerously Stupid
Congratulations on purchasing a bag of Mr Salty Pretzels! Correctly
used, these salty snacks should provide minutes of healthy enjoyment,
however, in order to derive optimum pleasure, and minimal injury, we
do recommend that the following procedure is studied and followed.
YOU WILL NEED
1 x comfortable chair
1 x bag of pretzels (contents approximately 24 pretzels)
1 x television receiving equipment, tuned to the sporting event of
your choice
Up to 3 dogs - cats or other pets are NOT RECOMMENDED and could be
DANGEROUS
STEP 1. OPENING THE BAG
This is a relatively simple procedure, but care needs to be taken
nonetheless, so follow the steps carefully.
1. Take hold of the TOP of the bag at EITHER SIDE between FOREFINGER
AND THUMB, taking care not to slash your wrists open on the
surprisingly sharp plastic edges.
2. Draw the edges of the bag apart with a smooth firm motion.
3. If you should LOSE YOUR GRIP on the bag, take extreme care not to
smack yourself in the face with your flailing hand as this can result
in OBVIOUS BRUISING. Instead, you are advised to throw yourself into
the safe haven of the COMFORTABLE CHAIR until the hand-danger is
passed. On NO ACCOUNT throw yourself into the safe haven of THE
FLOOR, THE TELEVISION, THE DOGS, THE WINDOW, THE OVEN, THE
LIGHTFITTINGS or THE ROTATING BLADES OF A NEARBY HELICOPTER as severe
injury and embarrassment may result.
If you have an open bag of pretzels before you, you may now proceed
to step 2. Otherwise, simply repeat step 1 until full openness is
achieved.

***
STEP 2. REMOVING PRETZEL FROM BAG
1. Set the bag upon your lap, making sure it is reasonably stable.
2. GENTLY insert one hand into the bag. IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO
WITHDRAW EYES FROM TELEVISION IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH THIS SAFELY. You
may prefer to wait until a commercial break or other interval in the
action. You should also ensure that you are not over-excited by the
sporting events in progress before attempting this manoeuvre.
3. CLOSE YOUR FINGER AND THUMB over a single pretzel. DO NOT attempt
to select MULTIPLE PRETZELS. Not only is this an extremely advanced
manoeuvre and highly risky in itself, but it will unnecessarily
complicate step 3 and will almost certainly lead to brain injury,
death and further embarrassment. If you FAIL to secure a pretzel,
open the finger and thumb, then close again in a different position -
although STILL WITHIN THE BAG - until a pretzel is secured.
4. WITHDRAW HAND FROM BAG taking care not to break pretzel, drop
pretzel, lacerate hand on edges of bag, grind pretzel into own eye,
smack head on door jamb, press thigh against red-hot coals, or drive
meat skewers through fleshy parts of upper arm.
With the pretzel now secured in the hand, the operation is nearly
complete. However, you cannot afford to let your guard down.

***
STEP 3. TRANSPORTING PRETZEL TO MOUTH
1. Delicate hand-eye co-ordination is required. KEEPING YOUR EYES
FIXED ON THE PRETZEL, first WITHDRAW your hand. Should the pretzel
DROP at this point, you will have to repeat step 2.
2. RAISE PRETZEL TOWARDS FACE - avoiding eyes, ears, nostrils,
hotline to Moscow and Nuclear Button in the process.
3. OPEN MOUTH - this step is vital and EASILY FORGOTTEN IN THE HEAT
OF THE MOMENT.
4. PLACE PRETZEL JUST INSIDE MOUTH. Do not attempt to force pretzel
in. Pretzel should fit easily inside, and need not be entirely
encased in mouth orifice. If pretzel does not fit easily, check that
mouth is open and that pretzel is in mouth, rather than ear. A small
mirror may be helpful.
5. RELEASE PRETZEL AND WITHDRAW FINGERS FROM MOUTH. Failure to
perform this easily-overlooked step can lead to crippling injuries.
If you are in any doubt, consult mirror once more. Pretzel will
probably be just visible inside mouth and FINGERS SHOULD BE WELL
CLEAR before step 4 commences.
You are nearly ready to enjoy your pretzel - however the last step is
by far the most dangerous, and EXTREME CARE should be taken.
Inexperienced eaters of pretzels may care to practice without
pretzels in order to have confidence in steps 1 to 3 before
proceeding to the pretzel "fire fight" which is step 4.

***
STEP 4. EATING THE PRETZEL
1. Begin to move jaws up and down in a rhythmic fashion. AT LEAST 20
ITERATIONS ARE RECOMMENDED. "MR SALTY" CANNOUT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE
FOR INJURY, WOUNDING, DEATH, INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS OR WARFARE
RESULTING FROM FAILURE TO FOLLOW THIS DIRECTIVE.
2. As pretzel structure begins to break down, guide resulting
substance to rear of mouth. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO BREATHE - BUT DO NOT
LINGER AT THIS POINT EITHER. All your concentration must now be
brought to bear on guiding the pretzel safely down the oesophagus,
without inhaling and without passing out due to lack of oxygen.
3. As pretzel remnants reach back of throat, swallow quickly THEN RE-
COMMENCE BREATHING.
Congratulations - you may now repeat from step 1, until bag is empty
or belly is full.

***
TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE 1. PRETZELS TASTE "PLASTICKY" - You are eating
the bag.
2. PRETZELS TASTE "FURRY" AND DOGS ARE YELPING - You are eating the
dogs.
3. PRETZELS TASTE REVOLTING - This is normal.
4. FINGERS CANNOT GRASP PRETZEL - Bag is closed or is empty.
5. PRETZELS ARE ALL OVER FLOOR - Bag is upside down, or has been
opened with undue force. Deploy dogs and request fresh bag.
6. PRETZELS CANNOT BE SEEN - Light is off or eyes are closed.
7. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND EYES ARE FULL OF GRIT - You have placed
pretzel in eye instead of mouth.
8. PRETZELS ARE TASTELESS AND I AM DEAF - You have placed pretzel in
ear instead of mouth.
9. I AM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND DOGS ARE STARING AT ME - You have
attempted to breathe while chewing and/or have failed to chew pretzel
thoroughly.
10. SIRENS ARE GOING OFF, MR RUMSFELD IS SHOUTING AND MR CHENEY IS
CLUTCHING AT HIS CHEST - You have confused bag of pretzels with
nuclear alert. Go back to watching television.
NB: If you are not President of the United States of America, the
most powerful individual in the Western World and controller of the
World's largest nuclear arsenal and/or you have two brain cells to
rub together, you can safely ignore these instructions.
++++++++++++

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers
had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became
President. With that in mind, we have a "Special Offer" for those
who want to keep their promise.

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue,
David Geffen, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else
who made that promise, please report to Florida for the sailing of
the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take
you to your new homes in Afghanistan.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your
honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior
to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay.........at least four
years and the definite possibility of eight years.

Your captain will be BILL CLINTON.
Your cruise director will be AL GORE.
Your recreation director will be MONICA LEWINSKY.
Your lifeguard and swimming instruction supervisor will be
TED KENNEDY. Senator Kennedy will also be teaching a course in
emergency procedures. Your spiritual advisor and marriage
counselor will be the REV. JESSE JACKSON.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your
homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to
SEN. HILLARY CLINTON. Her village will be raising your children
while you are gone, and she can watch over all your money and
furnishings until you return.

+++++

A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't
know where I am."
The woman below replied: "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and fact is I
am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded: "You must be George W. Bush."
"I am," replied to balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."

+++++++++

I'm surprised that while Bush was President, they didn’t change the
website address for the White House to:

DubyaDubyaDubya.whitehouse.gov

***********

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly
(sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)


Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common folk get killed and maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for Corrective Plastic
Surgery.

+++++++++

George G. W. Bush was jogging along the beach when he came upon a Genie's
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it around, and lo-and-behold a Genie
appeared! George was amazed and startled, and asked the genie if he got
three wishes? "No" said the genie "I'm afraid that due to constant down
sizing, world stock market volatility, fierce global competition,
deflation and low wages in Asian countries, I can only grant you but one
wish sir. So please, what will it be?..."

George didn't hesitate. He said, "There is something near and dear to my
heart; I would like to see peace in the Middle East. Here, see this map?
I want all these countries to stop fighting and make peace among them."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. The hatred among them
runs deep. Many have tried and failed at what you ask. I'm good but not
THAT good. I just don't think it can be done. Please, could you make
another wish?"

George thought for a minute, and then said, "Well you know, people just
don't like my wife Barbara. They think she's bad tempered, has a big
butt, and pushes me around too much. I wish for her to be the most
beautiful woman in the world and have everybody really like her. OK,
that's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "George, let me see that map
again!..."

++++++++

George W. Bush is now under treatment for two problems, electile dysfunction and premature congratulation

+++

George Bushisms...

They misunderestimated me."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great
country called America will be the pacemakers."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"I do know I'm ready for the job [the presidency]. And if
not, that's just the way it goes."

++++

TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS

1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7) New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

+++++++ 

George W. Bush and his veep, Dick Cheney were talking,
when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people
tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like,
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there.
Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi
driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said
Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and
when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See!
That guy was really stupid!"

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the
corner... You could have called instead?"

++++++++

During a White House briefing a reporter asked President Bush
if he had to say anything about Vice President Cheney's angina.

President Bush replied, "Men do not have anginas."

Another reporter made a remark about Mr. Cheney having acute
angina to which President Bush said,
"Even if Vise President Cheney did have an angina I would have
no idea whether it was a cute one or not!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The President and Mrs. Bush were in the front row at a Rangers game, the team he used to own. The row behind them was taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leaned over and whispered in the President's ear. Mr. Bush paused, then grabbed Laura by the scruff of the neck and heaved her over
the railing. She fell 10 feet to the top of the dugout, screaming obscenities.

The President shook the hands of those near him and got high fives all around.

The Secret Service agent leaned over again and whispered, "Mr. President, I said it's time to throw out the first pitch."

++++++

One day  George Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a Sister.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?

The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."

He then asked the Sister the same question. The Sister replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes -- get my panties as low as my wages -- get that thing of yours as hard as the times -- keep it up as long as it takes to get a live person at a government office -- keep me warmer than my apartment and -- screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

++++++

A Christmas card sent from a Democrat to a Republican Friend:

The election is over, the results are known,
the will of the people has clearly been shown.
Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds,
we will give our leader all the help that he needs.
So let's all get together, and let bitterness pass,
I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass.

++++++++

Ariel Sharon is in Washington for meetings with G. W. There is
to be a state dinner; Laura decides to bring in a special
kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal.

At dinner that night, the first course is served and it is
matzo ball soup. George W. looks at the bowl, and after
learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat
such a grossly named, strange-looking brew. The aide says that
Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, George W. gingerly lowers
his spoon into the bowl and ladles a piece of matzo ball and
some broth. He hesitates, then swallows -- and a grin appears
on his face. He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any
other parts of the Matzo or just the balls?"

++++++++

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out
of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration."
-- David Letterman

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing
away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any
medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services
records thrown out."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs.
Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers."
-- Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past
week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico;
Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. ...The only
place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam."
-- Jay Leno 

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman? 

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?!
I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!" 

++++++++

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking
for work in six weeks".

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." 

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take
half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind,
we just took a man with no brains, out of Texas, put him in the White
House and now half the country is looking for work."

++++++++

"President Bush was munching on some pretzels when he choked
and fainted. All this time we were worrying about Osama bin
Laden, turns out he was almost done-in by Mr. Salty" -Jay Leno 

+++

They say George was all alone when he choked on the pretzel..
I guess someone should have been there to tell him to CHEW!

+++

A husband and wife were watching the devastation on
TV of the World Trade Center; the videos of different
countries around the world; crying with Americans over
the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating
and attempting to analyze political strategy; President
Bush making speeches.

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I'm so thankful
that Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful
job."

The husband turns to the wife and says, "Shut up, Tipper!"

+++++++++

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of
entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush
became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for
those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil
Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and
anyone else who made that promise, please report to Florida for
the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation", which has been
commissioned to take you to your new homes outside of the USA.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your
honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior
to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you
should consider the possibility of eight years.

Your captain is - Bill Clinton
Your cruise director - Al Gore
Your recreation director - Monica Lewinsky
Your lifeguard and swimming instruction supervisor - Sen. Ted
Kennedy Sen. Kennedy will also be teaching a course in emergency
procedures.
Your spiritual advisor and marriage counselor will be the
Rev. Jesse Jackson.

If you've any questions about making arrangements for your homes,
friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator
Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're
gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings
until you return.

Bon Voyage!

++++++++

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno 
and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a 
dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. 
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his 
cheek. 
(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me 
and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must 
have slapped his face." 
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on 
Bo Derek and she smacked him." 
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by 
mistake she slapped me." 
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I 
can knock the heck out of Clinton again." 

++++++++ 

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer by “Dubya” : Before addressing this issue let us
say unequivocally that we Republicans had nothing to do
with the lights going out. We're inclined to
correct the Democrats mistakes, as long as everyone knows it's
their fault., By the way, this will require an additional $7
trillion budget ,so we can protect the national security of
Big Energy so they can build more electric plants, Big Oil so
they can drill more oil sites and damage the environment, Big
Development so land developers can enrich themselves at
taxpayer expense, and any of my other political buddies. The
tax cut for our fellow Americans, you ask? They will
generously pay it back next year when I change the tax code to
enrich Big Government, my best buddy. What, is government
supposed to work for the people? No wonder I failed the
American Government class at Yale!!

By Jay Leno , May 2001

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The White House has a new team, and whole new language. George W. Bush
brought with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the
Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem
a bit strange.

Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions ....

+ The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly-intelligent.)

+ As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.
(self-explanatory)

+ Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous)

+ Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)

+ We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet. (We've made a brief
acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

+ He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow.
(He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

+ She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(That woman can talk.)

+ It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs.
(We really could use a little rain around here.)

+ Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can
fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

+ This ain't my first rodeo.
(I've done been around awhile.)

+ He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the
porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

+ They ate supper before they said grace.
(Living in sin.)

+ Time to paint your butt and run with the antelope.
(Stop arguing and do as you're told.)

+ As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Rather prone to boasting.)

+ You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change
what it is.)

++++++++

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his
first night in the White House, but something very strange
happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George
Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington,
what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised
Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't
sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson
answered. Bush still couldn't sleep well, and much later he
saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing
I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

----------------------

Saddam Hussein and President George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. 

When George sits down, he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about 5 minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.

Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the American's revenge.

They begin talking and Saddam is uncooperative, Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers.

A few seconds later, as Hussein continues his belligerence, Bush presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.

As things progress, then the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: 

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?" 

"241," the man replies.

"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?" 

The lady answers, "144."

"Great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks, "What is your IQ?"

The man answers, "51."

Albert lets go of his arm and takes his hand to shake it, saying, "Hello Mr. President!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says,

"Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"

So G. W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

++++++++++++++++++++++

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Middle Eastern country.

Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!"

The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!"

Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall."

He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled...

"Fire!"

George Bush is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"

Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," says Little Johnny.

"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.

George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

When George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs Wade was, he replied it was the decision that George Washington needed to make when he planned for his army to cross the Delaware.

++++++++++++++

At one of his first news conferences as President, George W.
begins to explain his view on the how the United States came
to have an oil shortage dating back to last summer.

"Well, damn, the United States had an oil shortage because
nobody bothered to check the oil!" retorted the chief
executive. He continued, "The damn Democrats just didn't
know we were getting low."

Asked by a reporter to explain his reasoning, George W.
replied, "The reason for that is purely geographical. All
the oil is in my home state of Texas, and other good states
like Oklahoma, New Mexico, Alaska and Wyoming. But the
damn dipsticks are all in Washington, D.C.," declared the
Harvard and Yale scholar.

--------------------------------------------

After being sworn in as President, George W. and his
extended family head into the White House and seize the
opportunity to have a family photo taken by their new
White House photographer.

The photographer waits for George W. and family, as well
as George R. and Barbara, and Jeb and his family to take
their places for the picture. Once everyone is organized,
the photographer turns to his lighting man and says,
"This picture has more Bush than a Penthouse magazine!"

-----------

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. 

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. 

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle." 

+++++++

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the president asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss

++++++++++

Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"
Nurse: "You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma."

Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"
Nurse: "Ten years"

Patient: "Wow... Who's President?"
Nurse: "Bush"
Patient: <pause>

Patient: "How's the economy?"
Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"
Patient: <longer pause>

Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"
Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"
Patient: <even longer pause>

Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"
Nurse: "Yep"

Patient: "HOW long was I..."
Nurse: "Ten years"

++++++++

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy." ...George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
...George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...George W. Bush, 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...George W. Bush

++++++++

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He could only vote once!" 

+++++++

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, orchestrated state visit to England. Air Force One stops at a
bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen
Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6
enormous matched white horses. 
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham
Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then
suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart
that reverberates through the air and rattled the doors of the coach. 
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus
their attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had
happened. But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had
just happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept
my regrets - - - I'm sure you understand that there are some things that
even a Queen cannot control." 
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter
another thought --- you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have
thought it was one of the horses."

++++++++

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway 
when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the 
creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him 
3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was 
so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." 

George says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." 

George says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!! "

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in 
TV and stereo headset!!" 

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look 
like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be, after my dad finds out I saved your 
ass from drowning!!!"

+++++++++++++

At one of his first news conferences as President, George W. begins to
explain his view on the how the United States came to have an oil
shortage dating back to last summer.

"Well, damn, the United States had an oil shortage because nobody
bothered to check the oil!" retorted the chief executive. He continued,
"The damn Democrats just didn't know we were getting low."

Asked by a reporter to explain his reasoning, George W. replied, "The
reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in my home state of Texas, and other goods states like Oklahoma, New Mexico, Alaska and Wyoming, but the damn dipsticks are all in Washington, D.C."
George W. Bush was visiting an old age 
retirement home. 

He approached a woman, shook her hand 
and inquired, 

"Do you know who I am?" 

"No," replied the old woman, "But if 
you go to the front desk, they'll tell 
you!"

---------------------------------

Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List

10) Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.

9) Authorize new presidential anthem: "Hail to the Chad."

8) Send message to Wheaties people: "Hey guys, 
how about it? My face, your box." 

7) Order copy of "Presidents for Dummies." 

6) Keep distance from Cheney...don't want to catch 
heart disease. 

5) Start mending fences with Democrats...appoint 
Gore "Secretary of Losers." 

4) Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton. 

3) Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: 
"I have a dream...then I wake up." 

2) As soon as possible, have transitional team 
meet with Martin Sheen. 

1) Now that all the bickering is over, 
gracefully bow out of race. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A ventriloquist stops to entertain some people in a small town. 
He's going through his usual stupid George W. jokes, when 
George W. himself walks up. 

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating George W.
jokes!" He says. "What makes you think you can stereotype
me that way? What does a person's knowledge of geography 
and world politics have to do with their worth as a human 
being? It's guys like you who keep people like me from 
being respected at work and in my community. I'm as smart 
as anyone else and..." 

The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when George W. 
stops him. 

"You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little 
smart aleck on your knee!" 

++++++++++++

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court's decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." 
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; 
Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

++++++++++++++++++

GEORGE W. BUSH, IN HIS OWN WORDS

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that 
simply suckles kids through?" -- Explaining the need for educational 
accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000.

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -- Concord, 
N.H., Jan. 29, 2000.

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you 
do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." -- Speaking 
during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in 
Nashua, N.H. As quoted in Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000.

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." -- 
Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000.

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they 
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate. 
Quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So, I don't know how that fits 
into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but 
that's my position." -- Quoted by Molly Ivins, San Francisco 
Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly 
who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. 
Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're 
there." -- Iowa Western Community College, Jan. 21, 2000.

++++++++++

AL GORE QUOTES (fair is fair!)

Clinton/Gore inauguration day, at Monticello:

Gore to tour guide, referring to four busts in a room - "And who are 
these people?"
Tour guide - "Well, that's George Washington, that's Ben Franklin ..."

"A zebra does not change its spots." - Al Gore, attacking President 
George Bush in 1992.

"We can build a collective civic space large enough for all our 
separate identities, that we can be e pluribus unum -- out of one, 
many."
Whoops -- got it backwards, Al. Appropo.

In 1996, Al Gore visited a school in a largely Hispanic portion of 
Albuquerque, New Mexico. In an effort to fit in, he decided it would 
be appropriate to say something in Spanish as he took the stage. He 
was supposed to say "Muchas Gracias" -- many thanks. Instead, he 
walked on stage saying "Machismo Gracias" -- roughly translated to 
"manliness thanks."

"We feel, and the Defense Department feels, that problem is not going 
to be a problem. Of course, it can't be a problem. We won't allow it 
to be a problem. ... We're confident that it is going to be solved, 
but we're going to be doubly, triply, and quadruply confident that 
it's going to be solved before September of this year." Al Gore, 
speaking about the Y2K problem in the San Jose Mercury News.

From the Associated Press, 09/04/98 - "Gore (the father of the 
Internet) smiled and admitted that he, too, has trouble turning on a 
computer -- let alone using one."

At a Minnesota fundraiser -- "They will be the education team that 
Missouri needs to move into the 21st century," he said.

Courtney Love on Late Night with David Letterman, 05/20/1999 - "He 
goes 'I'm a really big fan,' " said Love. "And I was like 'Yeah, 
right. Name a song, Al.' " The answer came limply back: "I can't name 
a song, I'm just a really big fan."

Despite his high-minded enviro-speech and manifesto, Al Gore caused 
billions of gallons of water in Connecticut to be wasted when a dam 
was opened so the water level of a river could be raised for a cutesy 
photo-op.

Gore claimed he didn't know about illegal hard-money fund-raising in 
1996 because he had drunk too much tea and had to frequently relieve 
himself. This came after several previous lies he told about the 
fund-raising were exposed.

Yet another lie -- Gore claimed credit for writing the earned income 
tax credit proposal, which became law a year before Gore was first 
elected to the House of Representatives.

Gore claimed to have co-sponsored the McCain/Feingold campaign 
finance reform bill -- which was introduced after Gore became vice 
president and could not co-sponsor legislation.

***************

After being sworn in as President, George W. and his extended family
head into the White House and seize the opportunity to have a family
photo taken by their new White House photographer.

The photographer waits for George W. and family, as well as George R.
and Barbara, and Jeb and his family to take their places for the
picture. Once everyone is organized, the photographer turns to his
lighting man and says, "This picture has more Bush than a Penthouse
magazine!"

*****************

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton decided to go over a few last minute
details on the transfer of power while getting haircuts.

Clinton finished first, and the barber asked him, "What type of cologne
would you like, the expensive or the cheap kind?"

"Give me the good stuff. I don't want Hilary thinking I was in a
whorehouse."

Bush was finished a moment later and the barber asked him the same
question. Bush replied, "Don't matter, my wife doesn't know what a
whorehouse smells like."


*********

TOP 10 GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS

1) I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2) I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time. 
3) I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4) Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5) Vote for the GOP, Not OPP. 
6) I promise no sex scandal: just look at me. 
7) New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8) Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9) George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10) Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

++++++++

Top Ten Items On George W. Bush's To-Do List

1) Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.

+++++++++++++

The Difference Between a Bad *President* and a Bad *Precedent*

BAD *PRECEDENT:

Tipper: "How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?" 

++++++++++++++

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

++++++++++++

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

+++++++++++++++

"George W. Bush said in an interview that when he moves into
the Oval Office, he's going to get rid of the artwork, but
keep President Clinton's desk. George W. Bush said he also
plans on getting rid of anyone under the desk."

- Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

+++++++++++++

Now that the close election has made George W. Bush the President, attention is focused upon whom Governor Bush should have picked for his Vice Presidential running mate. So that a clearer decision could have been obtained. It is rumored that one of the names on the 'short list' that had been floated in upper level Republican circles was former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seemed to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knew how to do the job, would contribute gaffes that would deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit would have helped the party minimize printing costs for new 'Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they could have used the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy should have been the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in previous presidential campaigns: Senile and confused voters. One recent survey puts the 'senile and confused' at approximately 3.8% of the voting population. The hope was that this group will mistakenly believe that this is the same Bush-Quayle ticket they voted for in 1988 and 1992 and will once again cast their votes for another, albeit different, Bush-Quayle ticket. The dilemma facing Republican strategists however was determining how best to mount an effective campaign that would get out the 'senile and confused' vote. One strategist sighed, "They're a hard group to reach, let alone give instructions to."

Additionally, word had it that the former Vice President was undertaking some unique preparations for another run at the Vice Presidency. Included in his training regimen was a comprehensive reading of Webster's Dictionary cover to cover as well as listening to the popular vocabulary-building program on cassette tapes, "Verbal Advantage."

For many, the inclusion of former Vice President Quayle on the ticket would have spelled 'opportunitee'. When one reporter asked Quayle "what do you think about running on a ticket with a Bush again," the former Vice President expressed that he was "clearly delighted" about it. However, Quayle did seem somewhat puzzled and perplexed as to why Bush has now added a "W" to his name when he didn't seem to use one before.

++++++++

The Bush Years

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up
your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land!"

Now, Bush Jr. wants to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the
price of your Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

Bush Jr. also wants to change the Republican Party emblem from an
elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of
security while one is being screwed.

+++++

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/georgewbush/ig/100-Bush-Pictures/

++++

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/bushcartoons/ig/Bush-Cartoons/

 ++++

Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.

However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.

++++

NEW YORK (AP)  - The Federal Communications Commission today fined all affiliates of the CBS network for their role in the Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" episode at this year's Super Bowl. The FCC stated that "the affiliates have a responsibility as guardians of the public's airwaves to assure viewers that this type of indecent programming does not occur."

A spokesperson for KPIX in San Francisco replied that perhaps their station may not carry the next speech by President Bush in retaliation, stating "we already got in trouble once for showing a big boob on our station. Why do it again?"

A spokesperson for KTTR in Portland agreed, saying that keeping the president off the air would be a case of "tit-for-tat."

One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the Blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States . Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?

She replied, $200."

To the Brunette he asked the same question.

Her reply was $100.

He then asked the Redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

+++++  

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep! 's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth.

He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon . "Do you Jews eat any other part of the Matzo, or just the balls?"

George W. Bush's First 100 Days In Office

January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States . Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.

January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.

January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.

January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!

January 31: Get people working on stuff.

February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.

February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.

February 5: Unite North, South Dakota ; North, South Carolina ; New, Old Mexico .

February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.

February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.

February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.

February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.

February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.

March 1-March 31: Halftime!

April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?

April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.

April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park , the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua , NY for oil exploration.

April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan . Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.

April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.

April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).