A Manitoban decides to go ice fishing one day. He makes a
lunch, grabs his fishing pole, jumps on his snowmobile and
heads off across the ice. He travels quite a ways when
suddenly his snowmobile stops running. He gets off, looks
at the snowmobile, knowing he's not a mechanic and won't be
able to fix it. He decides to eat his lunch while he waits
for someone to come along to help him.

Sure enough, along comes a Canadian Mountie on a snowmobile.
The Mountie stops, gets off his snowmobile, looks at the
disabled snowmobile and looks at the Manitoban and asks,
"So, did you blow a seal?"

"No", says the Manitoban, wiping the corners of his mouth,
"that's mayonnaise from my sandwich!"

--------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed
on his ass?

A: Every time he sits down, Quebec separates!

--------------------------------------------

A couple of Torontonians just closed down their store on
busy Yonge Street and are standing in the middle of their
empty shop when one says to the other, "I'll bet you ten
bucks that if we wait here a few minutes, some Newfie is
going to come by, peer through the window, and come in and
ask us what we're selling."

Sure enough, just as he finishes speaking, a Newfie sticks
his face up to the window, looks around at the empty shelves
and then walks in to say, "How's she goin, b'y. I was just
wonderin' what you fellas was sellin'?"

One of the Torontonians grins at the other and replies, "We're
selling idiots, sir," to which the Newfie responds, "Well,
ya must be doin' some good business 'cause dere's only two
o' ya left."

++++++++++++++++++++++

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the

supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of

lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce,

but the man insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed

to ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said:

"Hey, boss, there's some idiot out there who wants to buy only a

half a head of lettuce."

Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him.

He quickly added:

"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager called on the boy and said:

"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I

was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You

think on your feet and we like that around here."

The manager continued: "Where are you from son?"

The boy replied: "Canada sir."

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.

"They're all just whores and hockey players up there!"

said the boy.

"My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.

"Oh, really!" said the boy. "Which team did she play for?"


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Here is a run-down on the stereotypical people from each
Canadian province:

British Columbia -- Pot smokers
Alberta -- Hicks and rednecks
Saskatchewan -- Drunks and grain farmers
Manitoba -- Who cares!
Ontario -- Shitty drivers
Quebec -- Frenchy Frogs
New Brunswick -- Straight out of the Bob McKenzie skits
Nova Scotia -- Fisherman and women that smell like
fisherman
Prince Edward Island -- Ann of Green Gables people (stuck in
the 1800s)
Newfoundland -- People here are dumber than oxes and
talk funny
Nunavut -- Natives, most likely drunk
Yukon -- Gold diggers

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien called U.S. President
George W. Bush with a pressing emergency: "Our larj-ist condom
fact-ery has as-ploded!" the Canadian Prime Minister cried.
"Es Canada's favorite form of birth control! This is no guud!"

"Mr. Chretien, the American people feel your pain. We'll do
everything in our power to help our good neighbors to the
north," replied Mr. Bush.

"We du need your 'elp," said Chretien. "Could you pos-a-bly
send us 1,000,000 con-doms to 'elp my pi-pel?"

"No problem, Jean! We'll get right on it," said Mr. Bush.
.
"Oui, 'an one small favour, Mr. President?" asked Mr. Chretien.

"What's that, my friend."

"Could you make 'dem in blanc 'n rouge, with an image of a
maple leaf on 'dem, and be at least 25cm long and 10cm in
diameter?" asked Chretien.

"You'll have 'em in a jiffy," replied the President, and with
that Bush hung up and called the president of Trojan.

"My friend, I need a favor. You've got to make 1,000,000
condoms right away, not for me this time, but for my Canadian
friends."

"Consider it done," said the president of Trojan.

"That's great, my friend! They need to be white and red,
with an maple leaf image printed on each one. They have
to be 25cm, which is roughly 10-inches, in length and 10cm,
which is roughly 4-inches, in diameter," noted President
Bush.

"That's easily done, sir. Will there be anything else?"

"Oh, yah," said the President Bush, "print on the side
'MADE IN AMERICA, size MEDIUM!"

--------------------------------------------

Q: Why don't Newfoundlanders let they're women swim in the
ocean?

A: Because they can't get the smell off the fish!