Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the

now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the

world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for

companionship

.One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all

these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a

good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3

wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful

consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first

wish: "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella

was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and

scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your

heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was

young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her

beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirring

sinside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor

and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish,

What shall you have?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and

said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and

handsome young man".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in

his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her,

a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever

seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: "Congratulations, Cinderella.

Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue

electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into

each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the

most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed

in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young

muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as

whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath,

"I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There

he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat,

"You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in

Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says,

"Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep

on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful

fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident

and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them

with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have

had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are

tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't

have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful

pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him

snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks

him,

"How are things since you are here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies,

"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And

those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A little boy's cat gets run over while he was in school. His mother

is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his

arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the

boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"

=============

Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as

if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on

either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to

cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,

pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm,

holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws

open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of

wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between

knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls

emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with

one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop

pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from

foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair

curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures

from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat

with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in

end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil,

and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to

humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove

blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another

pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck,

leaving its head showing. Force mouth open with

dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with plastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back

on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check

records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt

away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the

road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while

swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty

pruning gloves from shed, and force cat's mouth open

with small spanner. Push pill into mouth, followed by

large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour

pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.

Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call

furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet

shop to see if it has any hamsters.

+++++++++++++++++++

Last Sunday was the final performance of 'CATS',

Broadway's longest running musical. It racked

up a record 7,485 performances.

Usually, when a musical ends its run, the production

company assists the newly out-of-work actors and

actresses in finding other jobs, filing for
unemployment benefits, etc.

In this case, the actors were just stuffed into a gigantic

burlap bag, weighed down with rocks, and thrown

from a bridge into the East River.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

OWNER'S GUIDE FOR CATS

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And

with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being

alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow

these simple instructions, you can have your human house

trained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to

enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts

to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven

interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a

proper language. Therefore, you should communicate

a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at

about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-

to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply

ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when

your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes

before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended

methods of waking your human include: sitting on its

face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating.

Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked

by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort

to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is

to not change your litter box. Although experts in

human behavior believe it can be attributed to the

"laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through

what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a

human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you

should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards

a long and productive cat/human relationship.

+++++++++++++++++++

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,

screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an

examination room and has him put his dog down on

the examination table. The vet examines the still,

limp body and after a few moments tells the man

that his dog is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this,

demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back

room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down

next to the dogs body. The cat sniffs the body, walks

from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and

finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the

man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is

dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the fate of his dog, thanks

the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answer, "$350."

"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would have only charged you

$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was

for the cat scan."

++++++++++++

You Know Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You when....

15. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

14. He actually *does* have your tongue.

13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines

behind the couch.

12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.

10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown

Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror

saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy"

are on.

6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldgerg device

that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends

with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros

on your doorstep.

3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.

2. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which

says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.

++++++++++++++

A Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs

* Fluffy, the Snowman

* I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

* Up on the Mousetop

* Joy to the Curled

* The First Meow

* Wreck the Halls!

* Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

* Jingle Balls

* Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

* Silent Mice

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