The Hong Kong South China Morning Post today reported
that Ms Lee Chen-fan refused to pay any compensation
for damaging a car that she landed on when trying to
commit suicide by jumping from the roof of a
building.

She claimed that she wasn't liable since the car was
parked illegally! She commented "I meant to die.
Instead of saving me, the car greatly upset my plan."

Now how would you explain this to your insurance
company?

+++++++

Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11.Beat him out of recognizable shape!

12. I have been scared ****less too much lately.

13. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

14. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

15.How can you use my intestines as a gift?

++++++

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES - READ OUT LOUD:

That's not right - Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Gai

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone - No Pah King

Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Dirty spot on the wall - Wo Flung Dung

Wet spot on the ceiling - Wo Pee Hi

I think you need a facelift (Chin Tu Fat)

Has your flight been delayed? (Hao Long Wei Ting?)

An unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)

You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)

I got this for free (Ai No Pei)

I am not guilty! (Wai Hang Mi?)

Please stay a while longer (Wai Go Nao?)

They have arrived (Hai Dei Kum.)

Stay out of sight (Lei Lo)

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song)

++++++++

Sum Ting Wong (a Chinese girl) went for a job interview to be a
secretary.

When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colourful attire and gold &
white-highlighted hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN".
Nevertheless, he still had to interview Sum Ting Wong. So he told Sum
Ting Wong, "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give
you, then maybe I will give you a chance!

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE (work with me here),
PURPLE and BLACK".

Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said: "I hear the phone GREEN
GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW........ BLUE's
that ? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number.... Don't disturb PURPLE
and don't call BLACK, ok!? Thank You."

The Manager fainted.

*******************

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish
man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000
years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years
old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he
replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

+++++++++

One day, three Chinese men died and went up to the gates of
heaven. Standing there was God, who said, "To get through
these gates, you must lift this one-ton weight."

So the first Chinese man walked up to the weight, lifted it
above his head, then dropped it. God said, "You have lifted
the weight so you may enter," and he did.

The second Chinese man came along and did the same, lifting
the weight above his head, dropping it, and gaining access
to heaven.

But when the third Chinese man came along, he only lifted
the weight a few centimeters off of the ground. He tried
a second, third, and a fourth time until he had no energy
left.

As he was about to explain to God that he couldn't lift the
weight, God pushed him out of heaven and said, "You are the
weakest Chink, goodbye!"

+++++++

There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village
in China. One year, all of his chickens were afflicted with
a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers.

The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter
was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would
freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two
wisest men in the land.

First, he visited Mr. Ching, the renowned scholar. Mr. Ching
leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and
poured over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally,
he returned to the farmer and told him that if he crushed
the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and
fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming
cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails
until finally he came up with the answer: "Tea made from gum
leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land
had given him exactly the same prescription.

So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and
made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and
fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens
continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of
winter, they all froze.

The moral of this story: "All of Ching's courses and all of
Ming's ken, couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen!"

+++++

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

++++

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ku-kou-
ko-le. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover
until after thousands of signs had been printed that the
phrase means, "Bite the wax tadpole" or, "Female horse
stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect.

Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found
a close phonetic equivalent, "Ke-kou-ke-le," which can be
loosely translated as, "happiness in the mouth."

+++++++

Q: What is a cloak?

A: The mating call of a Chinese toad.

++++++

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan, "Come alive
with the Pepsi Generation," came out as, "Pepsi will bring
your ancestors back from the dead!"

++++++

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan, "Finger-
lickin' good" came out as "Eat your fingers off!"

++++++++

There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Chinaman all dead waiting to
go to heaven. God comes out and says "sorry we are very busy at the
moment and we can only take people who past a test"
They all reply "what is the test"
God says "see that stone over there... you have to lift it above your
head. if you lift it... your in"
The Englishman goes first and lifts it straight above his head. Then
goes the irishman, and lifts it also then goes the Chinaman, he huffs,
he squeezes but he just can't lift the stone.

God says "you are the weakest chink... Goodbye"

+++++++++

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the
Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a
corner and sees a building with the sign,
"Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman
behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get
a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come
to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center.
Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go,
"What your name?"

He say, "Hans Olaffsen."

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say, Sem Ting."

++++++++++
   

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When
it comes back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman
that says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same
note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note
that said, "Use more paper on ass."

--------------------------------------------

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly
lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping
in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old
mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the
man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees
smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard
almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and
says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and
haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your
house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:
You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise
I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow
morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then
I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known
to man."

"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he
thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the
wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering),
he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute
pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had
been many, many months without companionship. And the girl
had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather
and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they
had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after
that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge
rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "First
Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he
got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
sign saying "Second worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to
RIGHT testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be
grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the
window is a third sign saying "Third worst Chinese torture
test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost!"

++++

The remaining jokes on this page are R-rated! If you have no interest in R-rated jokes, return to the Jokes Index please.

R-rated Chinese Jokes:

A Polak, a Dago and a Chink were escaping from prison. The
Polak climbed the razor-topped fence and jumped over. He
lost his arm doing it.

The Dago followed the Polak and lost his leg.

The Chink climbed and jumped and landed with all his body
parts intact. The Polak and Dago asked him why nothing
happened to him. The Chink said, "Not so, friend...looky,
looky, balls now unhooky!"

+++++++++

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the
medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well
known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take
off all you crose." The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of
room."

The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem
vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see,
dat why you not haf sex or dates"

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is
Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed
Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike
your ass."

++++++++

Top three book titles in China these days...

1) 'Overpopulation in China' by Dr. Wee Fukem Yung
2) 'The Constipated Chinaman' by Hung Chow
3) 'Tigers Revenge' by Clawed Balls

++++++

Q: How do the Chinese say 69?

A: Tu-can-chu!

+++

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chop stick go hungry.

Passionate kiss like spider's web: soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

+++++++++=

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his daughters
what kind of man they would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his
chest," said the eldest daughter.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his
chest," said the second daughter.

Then the youngest said; "I would like to marry a man
with one draggin' on the ground..."

++++++++++

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one
named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.

For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.

One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and
spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu
came, too. This make both velly happy.

However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.

Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day
No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

Cum again?

++++++++

Three guys were challenged by a girl who said, "Whoever can
make me scream the most gets $100.

The white guy goes in and comes back out in a half hour and
says, "Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."

The black guy goes in for an hour but comes out saying, "Man,
it is just not possible!"

Finally the Chinese guy goes in with a smile on his face.
He returns after 10 minutes and forty screams.

Both of the other guys say, "How in Hell did you do that?"

"Me play old trick," he says, "me put hot sauce on my poker!

++++++++

Q: How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but
two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back
out of your driveway.

++++++++

Here are some items on the menu at a Chinese restaurant
called Pagoda Palace:

1. Cho-Kon It - not for the timid
2. Sum-Yung Guy - a spicy dish for those wanting something new
3. Way-Tu Yung - must be over 18 to try
4. Suc-Mi-Pork - not recommended for Jews or Muslims
5. Fuc-Mi-Slow - for those wanting a change in pace
6. Cum-Tu-Soon - when you only have 5 minutes for lunch
7. Wun-Long-Dong - self explanatory
8. Wun-Hung-Lo - see # 7
9. Suc-Mi-Pagoda - for all tastes
10. Lik-Mi-Clit - for those who like seafood

++++++++

Q: Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?

A: Tu-Yung-Tu, Tu-Dum-Tu, and No-Yen-Tu!

++++++++++

Hung Chow: 'Hey, boss I not come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt,
I not come work.'

The boss says: 'You know Hung Chow I really need
you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and
tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better
and I can go to work. You should try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: 'Boss, I do what
you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. Oh, by
the way, You got nice house!'

++++++++

Confuscious Says:

It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for
boy to park meat in girl.
+++
Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
+++
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
+++
Man who finger girl having period get caught red-handed.
+++
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
+++
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly.
finger.
+++
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
+++
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
+++
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
+++
Man who run in front of car get tired.
+++
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
+++
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
+++
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife
upright organ.
+++
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to
Bangkok.
+++
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
+++
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
+++
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
+++
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
+++
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on
earth.
+++
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
+++
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
+++
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
+++
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
+++
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
+++
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
+++
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
+++
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
+++
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
+++
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
+++
Woman who fly upside down have crack up.
+++
He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
+++
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
+++
He who sniff coke, drown.
+++
Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery,
fucking near dead.
+++
Man piss in wind, wind piss back.
+++
Man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
+++
Man who eat pussy, do lip service.
+++
Man with tool in woman's mouth, not necessarily dentist.
+++
Girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick.
+++
Men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the
whole, women have more.
+++

Confucious say: 

 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.

+++

man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

+++

man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.

+++

man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.

+++

man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

+++

woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.

+++

man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a smelly finger.

+++

" Confucius say too much"

+++.

A miner comes into a new town after being in the field
for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first
thing he does is head to the local saloon.

As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on
the bar and says, "Hey barkeep, give everybody in the
place a drink. I'm going upstairs to take a shower.
Send up a steak dinner and the prettiest girl in town.
Take out a few bucks for your troubles."

The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac, there aren"t any
women in town. All we got is a Chinaman."

The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs,
answers, "Never mind I don"t go for that shit."

The next day the miner is off to the fields and doesn't
return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold
about twice the size as the original one. Again he heads
for the saloon and states, "Hey barkeep, give everybody
whatever they want to drink and eat for the rest of the
night. I'm going up to my room and take a shower. Send up
some food and a couple of the best women in town. Take
out some gold for your troubles."

The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still
have no women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing
them in had problems. All we got is that Chinaman."

This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs,
pauses a few seconds and says, "Never mind I don"t go for
that shit."

The next morning the miner is once again headed to the
gold fields. This time he's gone for another month and
when he returns he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than
the previous one. First stop has him back at the saloon.
He enters, throws one of the bags on the bar and says,
"Hey barkeep, drinks are on me till that bag is gone.
Keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to take a
shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and two of
the prettiest women in town."

Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac, the women never did
get here. The only thing we got is the Chinaman."

This time the miner spends at least a minute on the
stairs and finally says, "OK, send the Chinaman up."

The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."

The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!?
$600.00 for a Chinaman?"

The bartender replies, "No Sir, The $600.00 is for the
three guys that are going to hold the Chinaman down.
He don't go for that shit either."

++++

Q: How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

++++++

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked
into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her
flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet
service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock
sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman,
waiting.

Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"

"No, ma'am," replied the Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."

*+*+*+*+*+

There were these 3 Chinese fellas, going by the
names of Fu, Bu and Chu who decided to
immigrate to the US.

They wanted to become American Citizens,
and 'Americanize' their names.

Bu - called himself 'Buck'

Chu called himself 'Chuck'

and Fu had to go back to China.

~~~~~~~

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