=============

10) Latest radio address to the nation ended with the phrase "You can all bite me."

9) Gave people on the White House tour the finger.

8) Punched the side of Al Gore's head so hard he broke his hand.

7) Threw half-eaten Big Mac from South Portico, beaning a Marine Band clarinetist.

6) At Rose Garden ceremony, had Secret Service rough up some Spelling Bee champions.

5) Blurted out to Roger, "Isn't it time you got, like, a job?"

4) When pizza was late, beat delivery boy senseless with a Yoo-Hoo bottle.

3) Feverishly added names to long list of guys would slug the minute he became a private citizen.

2) Actually talked back to Hillary.

1) Every five minutes, he's threatened to bomb Mexico.

++++++++++++++++++

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. 
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

> Bill Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> W. Jefferson Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> William J. Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC
>
> Slick Willie Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington, DC
>
> Mr. Hillary Clinton
> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave
> Washington DC

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One day Bill Clinton was jogging through the streets of D.C. with two of his Secret Service agents. He turned to one and stated

"I can't wait to get back to the White House...I'm going to rip Hillary's panties off".

The Secret Service Agent asked him "Why Bill? Does jogging make you hot, make you horny?

"No" said Clinton...

"they are creeping up the cracks of my ass!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning Clinton is out jogging with his Secret Service and they happen
to pass a hooker on a corner. Clinton calls to her, "How much?"

She answers, "$100!"

"Forget it!" he replies, "I can get it for $10!" The next day they happen by
the same hooker. He again asks her, "How much?"

"$100" she shouts back.

"Forget it" he replies, "I can get it for $10!"

Well...the next day Hillary decides to go jogging with Bill. They, of
course, pass the same hooker. The hooker shouts to Clinton, "See what you
get for $10?!!"

**********

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. 

"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. 

They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. 

As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. 

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

++++++++++++++

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities.

The President shakes hands of those near him and gets "high five's".

The secret service agent leans over again and whispers,

"Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

++++++++++++++++++

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the
- if he - if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not -
that is not the only one thing. It means there is none. That
was a completely true statement."
- Bill Clinton, August 1998.

--------

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, "You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!"

<><><><><>

VP Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

To which the little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," Al says and he runs off.

A couple of days later Al is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his boxjust ahead. Al says to Bill,

"You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!", Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

<><><><><>

Its Winter, near the end of his last term, and poor Bill's depressed. His ratings have been going down, congress isn't passing his legislation, and Hillary has cut him off.

To relieve the depression he decides to go for a jog on the White House grounds. While jogging along with one of his aides, he notices that someone took a leak in the snow and wrote the message "Bill sucks".

Now he goes ballistic and says to his aide "Nobody can get away with something like this here at the White House! Find out who did this.

The next day the aide sheepishly comes in the Oval Office.

"What did you find out?" Clinton asks.

"Good news and bad news, sir", the aide replies.

"The good news is that we know who did it, it was Jesse Jackson."

"That doesn't surprise me", says Bill. "He and I have never been the best of friends.

Now what's the bad news?"

The nervous aide says "Well sir, the handwriting is Hillary's."

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place."

++++++++++++++

Hillary wanted to add some color to the White House.   She decided to look at tropical birds for reasons   known only to her. While shopping for the bird, she   visited a local pet store which was known for its collection   of tropical birds. As she was viewing the collection, she   noted a vast difference in prices.

"Why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?"   she asked. 

"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years   in a whore house and his language is terrible."

"Well, I want him," she said.

"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."

Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new  whores," the parrot observed.

At first they were offended,  but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered  the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said           

President Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an Iceberg.

Ford screamed, " What should we do?"

Reagan said, " Man the lifeboats "

Carter said, " Woman and children first"

Nixon said, " Screw the woman and children "

Clinton said, " Do you think we have time "

++++++++++++++

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan said, "you have three choices on how to spend eternity, and they are behind these three doors".

The first room was Al Gore tied up by the arms getting dunked in a pool of sewage.

The second room was Janet Reno tied by the arms and legs getting stretched out.

The third room was Ken Star bound to the wall and Monica was on her knees giving him head.

Bill immediately said "this is how I want to spend eternity".

Satan then said "hey Monica, your replacement is here

++++++++++++++++

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, ""you're on"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, "You're from Arkansas"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

++++++++++++

Words go with theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies:

The Beverly Clintons

Bill Clinton was on his way back to the white house from a meeting when he got hungry. Bill tells the driver to swing through McDonald's so he can eat and use the bathroom. After ordering his big Mac and eating it, he goes into the bathroom where there is this 6'3' tall man using the urinal. Bill steps up next to him to use the other urinal, looking over he says,

"Hi, I'm Bill Clinton, president of the United States, What is your name?"

The man looked back at president Clinton and said, "I'm Bubba."

Bill continued and said, "I couldn't help but notice the size of your package Bubba, did you do something to get it that big?"

Bubba answered, "Every night before I go to bed I bang it against the bed post three times."

"And that works", asked Bill

"Yup", answered Bubba. 

That night when Bill got home, Hillary was already in bed, so Bill tried to slip in real quiet. After he slipped into his pj's, he walked up in the dark and banged his package against the bed post three times like Bubba had told him.

In the dark he heard: "Bubba, is that you?'

++++++++++++++

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum.

"Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?"

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned."

Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play PRESIDENT!"

++++++

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

+++++

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula, and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years." So they hugged and made their peace.

Then Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered sheepishly, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

++++

This is from a contest on Long Island . The requirements were to use the words "Lewinsky" and "Kaczynski" in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.

++++

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”

+++++

Clinton 's Favorite Things

To be sung to the tune "My Favorite Things" from the "The Sound of Music":

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

+++++  

Clinton Jokes and One-Liners

+++++

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"  

+++++