Computer Humor

Telecommunications     Tech Support     Internet   Technology

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on..

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX) Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part ):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this..

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

PS - when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

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How to Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush."

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid
of "George W. Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

PS: Tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney...

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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.  For
those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: 

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou . 

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here? 

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. 

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? 

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office? 

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need? 

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows? 

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? 

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer? 

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money? 

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? 

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'............. 

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Toddler Property Laws 

1. If I like it, it's mine. 

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. 

9. If I... Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary business plan. 

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Dear Editor, 

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. 

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs. 

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. 

I love this girl very much and want to marry her. 

My problem is this: 

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft? 

Sincerely, Larry

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Computer Heaven, Computer Hell 

In Computer Heaven: 

The management is from Intel, 
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing. 

In Computer Hell: 

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price. 

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Software Conflict: Wife 1.0 Upgrade 
Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application. 

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded. 

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. 

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release: 

* A "Don't Remind Me Again" button. 
* A Minimize button.
* An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.
* An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode. 

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. 

Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. 

***** BUG WARNING ***** 

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. 

***** BUG WORKAROUNDS ***** 

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. 

Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name. 

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Computer Viruses

The following information is from credible intelligence sources on the latest viruses sweeping across our nation's information superhighway, so take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times!

THE GEORGE W BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for  viruses of mass destruction
THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on 

THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting,  recounting ... ad nauseam

THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no memory 

THE BOB DOLE VIRUS  - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

THE LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails your best friends about what it did).

THE RONALD REAGAN VIRUS - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

THE JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background and rhyming it all

THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes

THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200

THE JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files

THE PROZAC VIRUS - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
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CD-rom Drive not functioning, insert installation CD-rom to reinstall this device. 

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You have just received the Amish computer virus. But since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system, so please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you! 

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Computers are possibly the most un-intelligent things ever invented, yet we let them control the world. Possibly a reflection of our own stupidity. 

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At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." 
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 
1.	For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 
2.	Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 
3.	Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 
4.	Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 
5.	Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. 
6.	The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation " warning light, and the car would not work. 
7.	The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 
8.	Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 
9.	Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 
10.	You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. 

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Found on the instructions sheet for a new hard drive: For additional help on installiation, open the readme.txt file on this hard drive. 

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ERROR! Smash head on keyboard to continue 
      Text on an anti-microsoft t-shirt 

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The service department you received this email from makes no promises, nor provides guarantees of service if unforeseen circumstances affect system availability; nor does the department claim omniscience but does have a high regard for Murphy's Law. 

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You know we're in the twenty-first century when some punk kid on the street yells at you: "Kiss my emoticon ass!" 

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The difference between Bill Gates and God is that God's Word works. 

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The box said, "Requires Windows 95 or better," so I installed Linux!

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Someday we'll look back at the videogame era of the 1980s and '90s, and wonder why anyone played solitary games. How dull! How sorry. That episode will be a pathological quirk in the history of games - which have always been multiplayer, and soon will always be so again. 

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 
       
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"When cryptography is outlawed only outlaws will have cryptography" 

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Tips to make your life and reality more computer-adapted: 
o	Double click all buttons 
o	Put bookmarks on your favorite locations 
o	Check your mailbox every 10 minutes 
o	Start a newsgroup at the note board of your local supermarket 
o	Recover things from the trash bin that you regret you threw away 
o	When you show emotions, turn your head vertically and make faces 
o	When something goes wrong during the day, reboot: go home, go to sleep and start over

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"640K ought to be enough for anybody."   Bill Gates, 1981 (well, not really ) 

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Don't fall asleep. You're face will be full of letters.

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A computer is like the union, it never works unless you spend money on it. 

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Windows 95 and Windows 98, the only operating systems that has the year-2000 bug built into the name. 

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Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. 

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Artificial intellegence is no match for natural stupidity. 

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While I don't claim to be a great programmer, I try to imitate one. An important trait of the great ones is constructive laziness. They know that you get an A not for effort but for results [...] 
[about programming] "You often don't really understand the problem until after the first time you implement a solution. The second time, maybe you know enough to do it right. So if you want to get it right, be ready to start over at least once." 
The moral? Don't hesitate to throw away superannuated features when you can do it without loss of effectiveness. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (who was an aviator and aircraft designer when he wasn't being the author of classic children's books) said: 
13. "Perfection (in design) is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but rather when there is nothing more to take away." 

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Perhaps in the end the open-source culture will triumph not because cooperation is morally right or software "hoarding"' is morally wrong (assuming you believe the latter, which neither Linus nor I do), but simply because the closed-source world cannot win an evolutionary arms race with open-source communities that can put orders of magnitude more skilled time into a problem. 

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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. 

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A:>hello 
bad command or file name 
A:>help 
bad command or file name 
A:>do somthing! 
bad command or file name 
A:> F#$k you!!!! 
bad command or file name, A#@hole 

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"I have a nice perspective on what it means to be in charge of the most important project in the history of mankind." 
      Brian Valentine, Windows 2000 Project Manager 

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Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that. 

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It said, \"Insert disk #3,\" but only two will fit! 

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Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? 

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Wierd Error Messages: 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (sole response from a malfunctioning motherboard) 
I DON'T EAT RASINS. (From a Data General AOS/VS System) 

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Windows VISTA is not a virus. Viruses DO something 

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"Life!... It's a cybernetic psychedic explosion of garishly illuminated images, sounds, smells, and feelings! I am skewed, warped, distorted, twisted, altered in such a way as to defy description. I am discomboomulated to the maximum intensity of a technorave, industrial force. I'M ALIVE, DAMN YOU, AND MY HEAD IS TWEAKED TO THE Nth POWER! My mind is swirling and pulsing with reckless, exuberant abandon! Pounding and surging in a vortex of sensory overload! Euphoric insanity!!" 
"Sooooo..... how's life been treating you?" 
"I LIKE IT!" 

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The great thing about standards is that there are so many of them... 

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Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning. 
      An ironic "Microsoft Solution Framework" course attender 

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Anybody who's studied software engineering knows that a schedule which underestimates the time needed to develop a project actually makes the project take longer

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LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, VII: Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it. 

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, IX: Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, X: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 

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Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. 

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If at first you don't succeed, add 1 to any integer variable. 
Telling computer guys that they need to have permission to quote things is like having to tell little children about Death. 
People says Microsoft paid 14 million dollars for using the Rolling Stones song "Start me up" in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft paid 14 million dollars only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line "You'll make a grown man cry". 
EASY TO INSTALL = Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures. 
People on Jolt cola write the funniest things. 
Why we all love the PC: A program "Hard Disk LED v1.1", which simulates the light that tells you your harddrive is spinning, takes 1.2 MB zip-archived. 
>WaRRioR_ would like quake full and final....will trade vital organs.\" 
Has everyone been incapacitated by a unknown virus introduced into the world population in order to incapacitate internet users by slowing typing speed to a reallllly slow pace ....or am I just lagged? 

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You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface"¹ with computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new computer, you want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that store personnel will realize that they're dealing with a person who has a high level of technical expertise: 
STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you? 
YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the "megahertz." 
STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a supermarket. 
YOU: Let me see your "zucchini." 

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There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and [Unix] BSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 

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A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. 

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Ever notice that the AT&T Logo looks like the DEATH STAR? 

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One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. 

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When all else fails, read the manual. 

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Computer Science: 
1. A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter. 
2. The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 

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As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.  Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging in 1949 

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Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently together. 
"There is now", came the reply. 

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I'm having the time of my bytes! 

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"Intel Inside" is a Government Warning required by Law. 

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In Life: You spill your cereal at breakfast, you get fired from your job, your dog dies, and your house burns down. Computer Equivalent: Virus Detected. 
In Life: You've finished a 900 page novel. Your life's work. You will be a famous author world-wide; but then, it falls into the lit fireplace. Computer Equivalent: Quitting without saving. 
In Life: A solution to all problems is found. World peace is achieved, all conflicts end, and everyone is happy. Computer Equivalent: Ctrl+Alt+Del 

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Alcohol and calculus don't mix... Don't drink and derive. 

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Linux is free only if your time is worthless. 

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To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. 

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Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 

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Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. 

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Microsoft: This company has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. If problem persists please call the Department of Justice. 

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Debugging tips from the Master, Sherlock Holmes: 

"It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts." 
"As a rule, the more bizarre a thing is, the less mysterious it proves to be." 
"Perhaps I have trained myself to see what others overlook." 
"There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact." 
"Chance has put in our way a most singular and whimsical problem, and its solution is its own reward." 
"I am glad of all details, whether they seem to you to be relevant or not." 

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O Langley invented the bolometer 
A very good kind of thermometer 
You can measure the heat 
from a penguin bird's seat, 
From a distance of half a kilometer. 
      Limerick in tribute to the bolometer (which can measure temperature differences down to one hundred-millionth of a degree Celsius) 

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I code therefore I exist - somewhere between heaven and html. 

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I thought the only thing the internet was good for was porn. 

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$cd /pub 
$more beer 
      Found on T-Shirt 

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Seaman is the newest entry in the proud Japanese tradition of software that simulates having a friend. 

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Javascript is the duct tape of the Internet. 

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What Microsoft Visual Basic thought of my program: 
"Run-time error '-2147418113 (8000ffff)': 
Catastrophic Failure 

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Managing programmers is like trying to herd cats. 

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C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 

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A feature is a bug with seniority. 

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Documentation: the worst part of programming. 

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Windows never says "EXCELLENT command or filename" 

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"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." 
      Charles Babbage, "Father of Computing" 

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"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." 

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If the code was hard to write, I'm going to damn well make it hard to read! 

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"Joseph LaGrange believed that a mathematician has not thoroughly understood his own work till he has made it so clear that he can go out and explain it effectively to the first man he meets on the street." 

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In a world without borders, who needs Windows and Gates? 

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Guru Meditation 
      Error message of the Amiga 

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The day Microsoft make a product that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners. 

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Barring unforeseen acts of God and Administrators, my server will be up tomorrow. I'm more worried about the Administrators. 

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I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. 

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A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 

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Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen. 

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Keyboard not functioning. Press F1 to continue 

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Windows Vista: Because there aren't enough problems in the world already. 

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I have a 28.800 bps modem and 11 bps fingers. 

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Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN! 

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"It's like talking to dung."  (Heard after a Mac destroyed a vital file)

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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 

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All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? 

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Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... 

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Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic 

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(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? 

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Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. 

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Those who can't write, write help files. 

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Do androids dream of electric sheep? 

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"Keyboard missing - press F3 to continue" 

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"MS Windows User?" 
"Yes..." 
"Good. Line on the left, one cross each." 

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Drop your carrier, we have you surrounded! 

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A friend of mine in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program" 

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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. 

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I found this in an electronic commerce software example products file (Goldpaint): 
[Pocket Lawyer] 
[stuffed person] 
[What a unique gift for your favorite lawyer or friends who needs one! Just squeeze him and hear legal phrases like, "My client is innocent", "This is an outrage", "I'll see you in court", and "Pay up you dead beat." He carries a briefcase and is dressed in a gray suit, white shirt and striped tie. He measures 7" tall and comes with a life-time battery included. Our pocket lawyer -- don't go to court without him.] 

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"Even though Mac Users may be only 10% of the market, always remember that we are the TOP 10%" 

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"The more you play with us, the bigger we get"  Bethesda Softworks official slogan (makes computer games) 

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Store your CDs in their protective case. 
Handle your CDs by the edges. Avoid smudging or scratching the surface. 
Do not leave your CDs in direct sunlight or near a radiator or other heat source. 
Do not bend your CDs. 
Do not dip your CDs into sulfuric acid. 
Do not drill holes in your CDs, or pound them with heavy sledge hammers. 
Do not put your CDs in the washing machine -- but if you insist on doing so, please use the cycle for delicate fabrics. 

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. 

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A human never stands so tall as when stooping to help a small computer. 

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UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully 

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Windows 95: 
32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition. 

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Interesting things that you learn about computers in movies: 

o	Word processors never display a cursor.
o	You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. 
o	All monitors display 2 inch high letters. 
o	High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 
o	Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 
o	Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 
o	Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." 
o	Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. 
o	People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. 
o	A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 
o	If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. 
o	Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. 

+++

"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure." 

+++

The future masters of technology will have to be lighthearted and intelligent. 
The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb. 

+++

Java technology is not fault tolerant and is not designed, manufactured, or intended for use or resale as online control equipment in hazardous environments [...] in which the failure of Java technology could lead directly to death, personal injury, or severe physical or environmental damage. 
            Microsoft IIS license 

+++

Have you crashed your Windows today? 

+++

WindowError:001 Windows loaded. System in danger. 
WindowError:004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong. 
WindowError:009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened. 
WindowError:00C Memory hog error. More ram needed. More! More! 
WindowError:00F Unexplaind error. Please tell us how it happened. 
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes 
WindowError:014 Nonexisent error. This cannot really be happening. 
WindowError:01B Illegal error. Do not get this error. 
WindowError056: Operator fell asleep while waiting. 

+++++

"I REMEMBER WHEN"

A Computer Was Something On TV
From A Science Fiction Show Of Note
A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean
And Ram Was The Cousin Of A Goat.

Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend
And Gig Was A Job For The Night
Now They All Mean Different Things
And That Really Mega Bytes.

An Application Was For Employment
A Program Was A TV Show
A Cursor Used Profanity
A Keyboard Was A Piano.

Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage
Not Something You Did To A File
And If You Unzipped Anything In Public
You'd Be In Jail For Quite A While.

Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire
Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road
A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived
And A Backup Happened To Your Commode.

Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife
Paste You Did With Glue
A Web Was A Spider's Home
And A Virus Was The Flu.

I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Pencil
And The Memory In My Head
I Hear Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash
But When It Happens, They Wish They Were Dead

++++++

"My Troubled Puter"

Man my Computer really acting up.
think I know what to blame.
Wife has these cards she plays.
It's called the spider game.

Few she knows all play the game,
see who gets the lowest score.
Our Daughter-in-law got a ninety five.
yea your right, she got ninety four.

Think my puter, tired of the noise,
and I'm sure that I would to.
So by the time it gets back to me,
it has no idea what to do

I guess I would probably play it to,
but I'm not really that good.
If my puter was made from a tree,
I'd sure use it for fire wood.

Think I'll buy a puter just for her,
before mine decides to break,
listening to the, I did this an that,
can make your backside ache.

I'm headed out to the puter store.
and hope this, she won't read.
If so when I come back from town.
bet she'll make my head bleed.

++++++

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer
to become obsolete.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

+++++

"IF THERE WERE COMPUTERS IN 1776"

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it
is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot
here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on
without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft
I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done.
I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a
bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.stinks
last night.
Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows
75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to
air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've
spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if
you'd buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"?
My spell checker recommends "unassailable".
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the
document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare
power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine
isn't compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....
Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top;
have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro
virus! I can't save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage.
Here, borrow my quill pen....

Author Unknown

+++++

Women of the computer world...


INTERNET WOMAN: It's not easy to get access to her and you may get cut
off a lot.

SERVER WOMAN: She's always busy when you need her. Sends you cryptic
messages.

WINDOWS WOMAN: Everybody knows she has a lot of problems, but nobody can
live without her.

AOL WOMAN: Nobody can stand her quirks and rules for more than half an
hour. But she will try hard not to let you go away.

EXCEL WOMAN: They say she can do lots of things, but you only use her
for the 4 basic operations.

WORD WOMAN: She always has a surprise problem for you and there isn't
anybody who really understands her.

D.O.S. WOMAN: There was a time when everybody needed her, but nobody
wants her now. She can do a lot of interesting tricks, but nobody cares
anymore.

BACKUP WOMAN: You think you have everything with her, but actually there
is always something missing.

SCANDISK WOMAN: Deep inside she is only trying to help by trying to
clean you up and change you, But actually nobody knows what she is
really doing.

SCREENSAVER WOMAN: She is useless, but you have fun with her. She will
frequently interrupt what you are doing if you don't set her straight.

PAINTBRUSH WOMAN: Easy to use, but nobody gets satisfied. She leaves you
wanting more.

RAM WOMAN: She forgets everything as soon as she is unplugged.

HARD DISK WOMAN: She always remembers everything, and thinks she is
always right even if her memory is corrrupted.

MOUSE WOMAN: She is useful only when she is pushed and dragged. Tends to
get dirty and sluggish.

MULTIMEDIA WOMAN: She makes everything look nice. Active and a lot of
fun.


MICROSOFT WOMAN: She wants to dominate every man she meets. She'll try
to convince you she's the best for you. She schemes how to make you get
in trouble with other women. She promises you that she'll do whatever
you want if you throw your girl friends' telephone numbers away.
Suddenly, she will be the only one in your life. There will come a time
when you will need her approval before you can open the fridge or you
can take your car keys.

PASSWORD WOMAN: You think you're the only one who knows her, but
actually everybody knows her.

MP3 WOMAN: Everybody wants to have her. She is so easy to get.

USER WOMAN: She does nothing right and she is always demanding more than
she really needs.

ANALYST-PROGRAMMER WOMAN: She is always cooking, she is always mending,
fixing you and tweaking you to be better and have fewer errors. Very
controlling type. CPU WOMAN: She has a great look outside, but she is
empty inside. Takes a lot of time to get her the way you want her, and
then she may suddenly freeze up and not communicate with you.

MONITOR WOMAN: She makes you see life in colourful ways. Passes many
interesting things on to you.

CD-ROM WOMAN: She can do a lot of tricks if you take the time to
communicate with her carefully. The younger ones are pretty fast and
easy.

CONSULTANT WOMAN: She tells you everything except what you want to know.
She is mostly talk and little action.

E-MAIL WOMAN: When she talks, at least 8 things out of 10 are strange,
meaningless or spam.

VIRUS WOMAN: (ALSO KNOWN AS WIFE) When you least expect, she gets into
your life, she stays and takes control of all your belongings. If you
try to get rid of her, you lose many resources. But, if you don't, then
you may lose everything.

YAHOO WOMAN: Lives by her own rules. Just when you thing you have a
great relationship, she will cut you off cold without warning or
explanation.

DEFRAG WOMAN: She like to come in and clean up your house, and your
dishes, change your litterbox and generally clean up your act. She does
not talk much so let her do her work.

GROUP MODERATOR WOMEN: a very strange breed, all have their own rules
about the way to live and do things, some are very quirky and arbitrary
and even nasty if you don't behave as they think you should. Some are
great fun to be with. No general rules about these.

MAC WOMAN: They have a superior attitude, which may or may not be
justified. A minority group, they tend to seek other like minded people.

~~~~~

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial book-keeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"......

+++++

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

+++++

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS


Backup
What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

Bar Code
Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.

Bug
The reason you gave for calling in sick

Byte
What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro

Cache
Needed when you run out of food stamps

Chip
Pasture muffins you try not to step in

Terminal
Time to call the undertaker

Crash
When you go to Junior's party uninvited

Digital
The art of counting on your fingers

Diskette
Female Disco dancer

Fax
What you lie about to the IRS

Hacker
Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

Hardcopy
Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

Internet
Where cafeteria workers put their hair

Keyboard
Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

Mac
Big Bubba's favorite food

Megahertz
How your head feels after 17 beers

Modem
What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

Mouse Pad
Where Mickey and Minnie live

Network
Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

Online
Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM
Where the Pope lives

Screen
Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

Serial Port
A red wine you drink with breakfast

Superconductor
Amtrak's employee of the year

SCSI
What you call your week old underwear

++++

Can anyone help me with this problem?

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications,
such as, Boys Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.
These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me
that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which cannot be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems.
A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any help from those with experience in this area, will be greatly appreciated.

Signed
S. O. Wonderful

++++++

BUD ABBOT AND LOU COSTELLO IN THE 21st CENTURY

ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO:.Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just
say,
I
'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: word.
COSTELLO: what word?
ABBOT: word in office.
COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.
ABBOT: the word in office for windows.
COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: the word you get when you click the blue w
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: yes, you want real one.
COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. what I watch is none of
your
business. just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: real one.
COSTELLO: if its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. can I watch
them?
ABBOT: of course.
COSTELLO: great, with what?
ABBOT: real one.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch
a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: you click the blue 1
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: the blue 1.
COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.
COSTELLO: what word?
ABBOT: the word in office for windows.
COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: no, just one. but its the most popular word in the world.
COSTELLO: it is?
ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It
pretty
much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: and that word is real one?
ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. Real one isn't even part of
office.
COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. what about financial book
keeping
you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: money.
COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: money
COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: yes. no extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOT: one copy
COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: why not, they own it.

+++++++

Computer Terms = Types Of Women


HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without
her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four
basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

+++++

Computer Programmer's Credo:

Documentation is like sex:
When it is good, it is VERY good;
and when it's bad,
it's still better than nothing at all.

*****

ABOUT PROGRAMMING

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to
support it for the rest of your life.

Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real
programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up
all night.

There are two ways of constructing a software design:
One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously
no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so
complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
The first method is far more difficult.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that worked.

Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was
hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

~~~~~

Computer Store

ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

++++++
</

The 12 Steps of Windows Anonymous

1.. We admitted that we were powerless Microsoft Windows and that
our computers had become unmanageable.

2.. Came to believe that an operating system greater than Microsoft
Windows could restore us to greater productivity.

3.. Made a decision to turn our hardware and data over to the care
of better software as we understood it.

4.. Made a fearless and searching inventory of our wrecked data.

5.. Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being, the exact
nature of Microsoft Windows.

6.. Were entirely ready to have Linux remove all of these defects
from our computers.

7.. Made a list of hardware supported under Linux.

8.. Made a backup of all files that Microsoft Windows had harmed.

9.. Corrected data to such files where possible, except where such
corrections would harm other files.

10.. Humbly installed Linux onto our hard drives.

11.. Searched through man pages, HOWTOs , the internet and Slashdot,
to improve our understanding and use of Linux.

12.. Having had a productive awakening as the result of these steps,
we tried to carry this message to windowholics and to practice these
principles in all of our affairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW VIRUSES

Watch out for these viruses. Some are new and could
be very destructive to your computer:

Ellen Degeneres Virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Monica Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of
your computer

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after one byte

Prozac Virus -Screws up your RAM but your processor
doesn't care

Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5
inch floppy

Woody Allen Virus - Bypasses the motherboard and
turns on a daughter card

Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files

Spice Girl Virus - Has no real function, but makes a
pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where
it's stored

Dr. Kevorkian Virus - Searches your hard drive for old files
and deletes them

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great
service you are getting

MCI Virus - Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T Virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays
resident - It'll be back

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting
too much pressure on your zip drive

++++++

Computer users are divided into three types:
novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing
a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key
that broke it.

Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 9 Signs You Suffer From Computer Rage

9> Tech support has designated you "Public Enemy #1."

8> The "QWERTY" pattern embedded in your fist.

7> You like to use steel-toed Doc Martins to "boot" your
computer.

6> You've shot more screens than Elvis.

5> Only two more punches on your "Frequent Monitor Buyer's
Card" and you get the next one free!

4> When you play CounterStrike, you use real bullets.

3> Let's just say that storing your keyboard *there* is probably
going to void the warranty, not to mention make you walk funny.

2> You go through more mice than your neighbor who collects
anacondas.

and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From Computer Rage...
1> You know exactly when your computer's going to crash... about
four seconds after you push it out the window.

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.com ]

+++++++++

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers
cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted
paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took
a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
It read, "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
Was this some occult illusion? Some
maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself
had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
With my fingers pale and trembling,
slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping
all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key -
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
I tried to catch the chips off-guard -
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."
There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and
paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night
and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no - my database!" I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data - nevermore!"
To this day I do not know the place
to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the
angels have it stored.
But as for productivity -
Well, I fear that it goes straight
to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

+++++++

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!.....

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl,
Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and
control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display
settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed
immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on
"delete".

--------------

ODE TO A COMPUTER

Computer, computer, you tyrannous tool,
Whenever I use you I feel like a fool.
I fail to distinguish your RAM from your ROM,
You drive me insane,though I try to stay calm.

Computer, computer, you keep me off guard,
Your keyboard confounds me, your disk is too hard,
Your logic eludes me, your software's too firm,
Your windows are painful, your mouse makes me squirm,
Computer, computer, I don't understand
Your easiest printer or scanner command,
Your pixels are puzzles, I'm scared by your screen,
Your menu's a menace, your modem's obscene.

Computer, computer, I can't interface,
Your floppies offend me, your data is base,
Your fonts make me flinch, and your ports make me pule,
Computer, computer, you tyrannous tool.

++++++++++++

Justin, 7, had been ill, requiring several doctors' visits and tests
before a specialist came up with the final diagnosis and treatment.
Afterwards, his mother asked him if he understood what the doctor
had explained to him. "No," replied Justin, "not really."

"Okay," his mother replied, "The doctor said you started with a
virus..."

At which Justin interrupted to ask, "Does that mean I need a new
motherboard?"

++++++++++

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms, I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to
do schoolwork until I returned home at 5 p.m. One day about 4:30 I
decided to check up on him.

Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat
room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current
participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front
of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother, and you
are grounded for two weeks!"

"Hi, Mrs. "F"," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's busy doing his
homework right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be
sure to let him know that he's been grounded."

+++++++++

A Geek is someone who ...

1. has more e-mail addresses than coins in their pocket
2. has a faint 'monitor tan', but only on their face
3. uses three or more acronyms (URL, CD-RW, MSIE, etc.) in
90+% of their sentences
4. knows the complete version number of each program they use,
but can't remember their spouse's birthday
5. remembers to run SCANDISK and DEFRAG each day, but forgets
to put on their shoes
6. becomes spellbound at a connectivity problems lecture but
can't stay awake at supper
7. knows the names of all robots in movies produced since they
were 5 but doesn't have a clue about Aunt Jane's kids' names
8. can code an HTML page quicker than they can compose a short
letter a friend
9. can recite the specs on any hardware they use but can't
tell you their car's engine size
10. refers to buying groceries as 'upgrading the pantry'
++++++
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is nerd cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word, in each line from the start.
+++++++++
You Know You Are A Geek When
You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
You know you are a geek when you set up an automatic rerouting of your
e-mail to your pager.
You are a geek when you get sudden attacks of bittersweet nostalghic
feelings when thinking about your long-lost old Commodore 64, Sinclair
ZX-81, TRS-80 (or whatever hardware you were raised on), and use large
amounts of money/time trying to track one down.
You are wearing ten year old spectacles, made of steel.
You realize you never cook, eating only take-away pizza.
You check your web access_page more than once a day.
You seriously consider devoting a web page to your computer. (Not the brand,
mind you, but the actual computer itself)
You have more e-mail addresses than you do pairs of shoes.
You get depressed when you get less than 10 e-mail msgs a day.
You already know what you want to write both Master's papers and your
dissertation about, and you just graduated from College.
You can discuss the philosophical and physical differences among the Tangos.
Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them
funny.
You plan to get two Masters degrees.
You start getting paranoid you aren't getting all your e-mail.(If you have
sent me e-mail, and there seems to be no life from me, try again.)
Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply Upper Slavic,
French, Esperanto and C.
You spend more than 10 minutes contemplating how traffic lights work.
You can talk for hours about how, in 25 years, the whole country won't have
E-Mail addresses.
You buy a Mac SE, install 7.1 and MacHTTP, and become a web server - running
over PPP.
You design detailed floorplans before moving all of your furniture around.
You've created a new variety of rose.
If anyone has said to you: "You are Jhayden?!?! I see you on the Vax all the
time!" (Insert the appropirate substitutions, as appropriate.)
You set up your own newsgroup.
If you know the correct pronunciation of Tex, Linux, and TCL.
If you paid $6000 for your computer and $500 for a car.
There's a newsgroup dedicated to you because of your netly activities.
Someone mentions the Q Continuum, and you know what that means.
You seriously consider scanning in a picture of a squirrel, just to bug
Maryam. (Got the nice picture; am using it for blackmail.)
You get really excited that your mixer has a dough hook.
Everyone in the neighborhood brings you (to) their computers to figure out
what is wrong.
You can hold detailed technical conversations in a second language.
You are on the Obscure Software and Computer Crap Junk Mailing Lists
You can explain how AppleTalk Networks work.
Sleep and nightime are no longer irrevocably linked
You arrange to get e-mail access no matter where you go.
WAIS is your life.
You walk past a Con and people know who you are.
You have a definite philosphy of stacking wood for fires.
You hear the word "Scuzzy" and the first thing you think of is not an
adjective.
You went to a high school where the only team with a winning record was the
Chess team.
You rig up elaborate mechanisms to do really basic tasks.
You know about USENET cultures in groups you don't even read.
You put your pathfinder on the web.
You get REALLY excited when people from countries with limited access to the
'net are frequent visitors to your pages.
You don't hand in final papers unless they've been formatted on a desktop
publishing program.
You write web pages about your web pages.
Your favorite part of Geometry was proving theorems.
You've ever contemplated collecting graters.
You can remember your web address faster than your phone number.
You'll spend a long time customizing a computer you'll use for one day to
the absolute pinacle of comfort, but you won't bother to spend two
hours sewing up a skirt, and wear the damn thing sarong style.
You do your best work after 11 p.m.
You work in a building where you need a badge to move between floors.
You calculate the odds of getting one of the primo parking spaces in
relation to your apartment, factoring in time, weather, season, etc, and are
accurate over 80% of the time.
You can count the number of moderately good hacker/computer dude type films
on one hand. (I promised not to froth at the mouth when I went to go see The
Net -- I failed miserably. )
You've bought one of those license plate holders on which you can have your
URL or E-Mail address embossed.
You head straight past People and the always entertaining Weekly World News
for this month's Computer Shopper
You can track the geek gene through your family tree.
You froth at the mouth when someone talks about the "Information
Superhighway."
You are a member of the USENET elite, invoked in posts in threads to which
you have not posted.
You can sing Tom Lehrer's element song.
Not only is your computer in the center of your room, it's set up so as
allow 'netting from your couch, as well as your desk chair.
You arrange your jobs so you can telecommute.
You organize your CDs, so the tops all face upward, alphabetically, or by
record label (If you do more than one of these, you are an Anal-Retentive
Geek).
You spend a lot of time figuring out which of 100 adult goldfish are the
most fertile, have the strongest genes, and combined to produce tiny little
goldfish.
You carry an 88 mb removable cartridge to and from work.
You can sing "Smooth Rider" from Grease 2. If you do the hand movements
while singing, you should get out more.
You plot to get your grandmother on E-mail.
You've ever contemplated devoting a web page to World News Now

+++++++++

Smart File Extensions

In order to reduce the amount of confusion that end users might have in identifying the role of certain files that they have on their hard drives, Windows 2000 now incorporates "smart" file extensions to aid end users in support and troubleshooting issues.

Please consult this reference guide before calling Microsoft or any authorized Microsoft Support Services vendor:

.god - Files developed by Microsoft

.easyaccess - Undocumented security flaws in Explorer, Outlook, and IIS

.forsakendreams - Unfinished novels and short stories

.lewinsky - Letters to your mistress

.bush - New compression format that give you 1.6 Trillion times more disk space but may increase the amount of arsenic and CO that your computer produces

.china - Files that will hold 24 other files hostage if any attempts are made to reference the operating system

.greenspan - New products that attempt to prevent overuse of the computer by dynamically adjusting the amount of memory your computer has available (adjusted quarterly)

+++++++++

IBM revolution reaches Zaire Bantu tribe

In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.

Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."

Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our telecommunication systems offer people all over the world global networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you where you want to go today."

According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."

Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new, state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601 microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse. "This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later, Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's two hundred-page owner's manual.

IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a global village."

+++++

Computer Quickies

1. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. . . ??
2. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE !
3. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
4. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up ! ! !
5. <------------- The information went data way ---------------------->
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
8. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
9. C:\DOS --- C:\DOS\RUN --- RUN\DOS\RUN
10. C:\WINDOWS --- C:\WINDOWS\GO --- C:\PC\CRAWL
11. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
12. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go !
13. Access Denied -- nah nah na nah nah
14. The name is Baud........, James Baud.
15. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
16. C:\ Bad command or file name ! Go stand in the corner.
17. Bad Command. Bad, Bad command! Sit! Stay! Staay....
18. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
19. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon ? (Yep/Nope)
20. Backups? Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups.
21. E Pluribus Modem
22. . . . File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
23. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
24. A Mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral device available.
25. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
26. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Reboot Washington D.C. (Y/N)
27. Does fuzzy logic tickle ?
28. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
29. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
30. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
31. SENILE.COM found . . . . Out of Memory
32. Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
33. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
34. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
35. DEFINITION: Flying Saucer: The result when a nudist spills their coffee.
35. RAM Disk is not an installation procedure.
35. There are 3 - 35 kinds of people: Those that can count and those than can't
36. Shell to DOS.... Shell to DOS.... Come in DOS, do you Copy?
37. All computers wait at the same speed.
38. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
39. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . . .
40. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . . .
41. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !
42. E-mail returned to sender - - insufficient voltage.
43. All Wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
44. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. . .??
45. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
46. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
47. Best file compression around: DEL *.* gives 100% compression
48. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
49. REALITY.SYS Missing -- Organization Halted !

ON THE KEYBOARD OF LIFE, ALWAYS KEEP ONE FINGER ON THE ESCAPE KEY!!

+++++++

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

++++++++

To My Hubby


To my darling Husband,
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I
thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a
family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but
yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very
realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did
at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still
remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday.
What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the
electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the
department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a
good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting
made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room
painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the
painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have
hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll
keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your
desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely
time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

+++++++

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf. -- Sam Ewing

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. -- Milton Berle

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software. -- Arthur C. Clarke (Clarke's 69th Law, The Odyssey File, 1984)

It's easy to fool the eye but it's hard to fool the heart. -- Al Pacino (Pacino on Digitized Actors/Celebrities - About.com Interview, Simone Premier, 2002)

My computer goes down on me more often than my girlfriend. -- Robert Paul

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window. -- Robert Paul

The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim. -- Edsgar Dijkstra

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. -- Edsgar Dijkstra

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson

Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver. -- Robert Paul

+++++

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of
computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a
big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER
AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to
him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he
does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender
says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape
around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows
the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The
bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the
Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a
license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his
truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to
avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks
open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps
out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the
nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his
whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls
out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Haiku

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tokyo, Japan, Sony has announced its own computer operating system now
available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.
Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of
Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."

The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they
make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen. The chairman went on to give examples of the error messages:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Stop, reflect, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June Sales.doc" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you are seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer
to become obsolete.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work
at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

++++

Top 25 Explanations By Programmers When
Their Programs Don't Work"

1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidence.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT!
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

++++++

***IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THESE VIRUSES***

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't
do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system,
but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to
be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice
if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus",
but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer,
but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot
of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits
in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The
message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying
it's own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you order new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4500.
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus...
(Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the
motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)

THE AL GORE Virus...
(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

THE CLINTON Virus...
Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

THE LEWINSKY virus...
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
emails everyone about what it did.)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus...
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

THE JESSE JACKSON virus...
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while
illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)

THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after! two bytes.)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.)

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files.)

THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files.)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)

And last but not least....
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows.)

+++

When Suzy decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself
into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out two or three
instructional books from the library.

After about a month, the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really
be getting knowledgeable at this stuff."

"Thanks," Suzy said. "What makes you say that?"

The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out
this week has 'For Dummies' in the title."

+++++

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

NEVERMORE

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high
and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:
it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself
had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard,
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away
and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light
A lightning bolt had cut the night
and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no -- my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven
where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

Author unknown.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning." -Rich Cook

++++++

10 Signs that your computer is cheap...

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Carrot Top!."

8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics."

6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.

1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition.
to your fabulous paperweight collection.

++++++++

Computer One-liners:

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two fit!
+++
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,
please remain on the line.
+++
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
+++
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
+++
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
+++
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
+++
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
+++
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my
underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into
the bedroom.
+++
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot
be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
+++
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get
heavier.
+++
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the
underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
+++
It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
+++
When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in
there.
+++
If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
+++

You Know You're TOO Serious About Computers When...

You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image
would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher
resolution.

When someone tells you about a great new program and
you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.

If while driving down the street, you are confused by
the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be
legitimate WWW addresses.

When you find it easier to dial-up the National
Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to
simply look out the window.

When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must.eat.food.now@
home .com

If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.

If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.

If your fingers quit moving because you've been online
for 36 hours.

If your net provider suggests you try a competitor,
because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.

If on the way home from work, you use your portable
and cellular phone in your car, to reprogram a
Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect it to take
out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.

When your desk collapses under the weight of your
computer peripherals.

If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.

+++++

POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40

A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

+++++++

Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes-- three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. "Somehow" gets HBO on his PC at work.

+++++++++++

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, another customer
walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer,
saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked
out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only
a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in
C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the
money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "
That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What
does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the
shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and
saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price
tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped
to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all
the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen
it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

++++++++

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR COMPUTERS

When computing, whatever happens, behave as
though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really
understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the
section of the manual where you least expect
to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human ... to blame your computer for your
mistakes is not just human, it is downright natural.


He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably
found to have evolved from a simpler system that
worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer
solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to
do, but rarely what you want to do.

+++++++

The businessman dragged himself home and barely
made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall
cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had
a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer
broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

++++++

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of
children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo,
the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially
designated computer English, or "Geekonics", as a second
language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the
word "geek" and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks
after the Oakland school board recognized black English,
or Ebonics, as a distinct language. "This entirely
reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy"
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after
the school board became the first in the nation to
recognize Geekonics.

"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh
said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers
come dangerously close to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting,
implementing a program to process the data we need to
interface with all units of humanity."

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics
movement was spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where
many children have grown up in households headed by
computer technicians, programmers, engineers and scientists
who have lost ability to speak plain English and have
inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to
their children.

Warning to all computer geeks: Speak English!

++++++++

Signs that you may need to exorcise your PC

1. Sign of the Beast: That creepy Damian guy in the IT
department just upgraded you to a Pentium-666.

2. Stand Back: When you eject your CD, green pea soup
comes flying out the drive door.

3. Dangerous Game: Names of your MS Hearts opponents
mysteriously change from Pauline, Michele, and Ben to
Beelzebub, Lucifer, and Old Scratch.

4. Here's Johnny: You try to print out a spreadsheet,
but all you get is ten pages of "All work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy."

5. X-Rays Don't Lie: When your laptop goes through
airport security, the machine picks up an outline of
a cloven hoof.

6. New Screensaver: Flying pentacles.

7. Possession Is Nine-Tenths of the Law: Your computer
monitor swivels a full 360 degrees every time you walk
into the room.

8. Freedom of Speech: Your voice recognition software
starts speaking in tongues.

9. Blair Witch Redux: You find a fresh stack of crossed
sticks by your CPU.

10. Gates of Hell: Your PC runs Windows without an error.
A sure sign of possession.

++++++

A woman went to a computer dating service and
said she didn't care about looks, income or background.
All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing
he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because
they had one thing in common -- they were both
pathological liars.

+++++

Subject: Amish Computer Virus

Message:

You have just received the Amish computer virus. Because
we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this
virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and
hand-deliver this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Amish Computer Engineering Department

++++++

What computers and females have in common....

1. Whatever the situation, it is impossible to anticipate anything.

2. Once you make a comittment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

3. Only they and their creator can understand their internal logic.

4. If you occupy yourself for too long a period of time with it, you
begin to lose all perception of the real world.

5. The message "Invalid File Command" or "Bad Gateway" are
about as useful as "If you dont know why I'm mad at you, then I'm
certainly not going to tell you."

++++++++++
(posted on a computer in the office)

WARNING!

This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of
critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a critical detector'
senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how
desperate he or she is to use the machine. The critical
detector' then creates a malfunction proportional to the
desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with
violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to
use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. The
belong to the same union. Keep cool and say nice things to
the machine. Nothing else seems to work.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Computer Bumper Snickers

Don't make me use uppercase.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume.

Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.

Murphy's best friend was a computer.

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?

++++++++++

Computer Age

*What boots up must come down.
*Fax is stranger than fiction.
*Don't
byte off more than you can view.
*The geek shall inherit the earth.

*The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
*Give a man
a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him
to use the Net and he won't
bother you for weeks.

+++++++

The Top 9 Signs You Suffer From Computer Rage

9> Tech support has designated you "Public Enemy #1."

8> The "QWERTY" pattern embedded in your fist.

7> You like to use steel-toed Doc Martins to "boot" your computer.

6> You've shot more screens than Elvis.

5> Only two more punches on your "Frequent Monitor Buyer's Card" and you get the next one free!

4> When you play CounterStrike, you use real bullets.

3> Let's just say that storing your keyboard *there* is probably going to void the warranty, not to mention make you walk funny.

2> You go through more mice than your neighbor who collects anacondas.

and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From Computer Rage...

1> You know exactly when your computer's going to crash... about four
seconds after you push it out the window.

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
[ http://www.topfive.com ]

++++++++++

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

+++++++

Murphy's Laws Of Computer

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your
computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the
manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
rarely what you want to do.

+++++++++++

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer
were discussing the consequences and implications of a
married man having a mistress.

The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and
categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit
the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and
lustful pursuits.

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally
reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to
achieve his full potential as a human being, then –
well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a
mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to
keep this secret from his wife.

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that,
if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress.
However, I do not see why the affair should be
concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the
affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings
he may tell his wife that he is going to see his
mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be
with his wife, then go to his office and get some
work done!"

++++++++++++

We are told that if automotive technology progressed at the
same pace as computer technology, we would have economy
cars weighing 30 pounds getting 1,000 miles to a gallon of
gas, with a cost of less than $50.00.

But, would you really want to drive a car that crashes
about 10 times a day?

+++++++++++++

"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

<><><><><>

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95
error-codes were found and will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now
in every file
WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money
spent on hardware
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows
what has happened
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed.
More! More! More!
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how
this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our
developers
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can
think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out
our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait.
And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our
developers.
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional
errors will be lost.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not
been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors
encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or
recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583
Bytes available
____________

COMPUTER DEFINITIONS:

Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in
getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
+++
Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's
released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."
+++
Hardware: Collective term for any computer related object
that can be kicked or battered.
+++
CPU: Central Propulsion Unit. The CPU is the computer's
engine. It consists of a hard drive, RAM, interface cards, and
a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent –
a gerbil if the machine is an old 486 and a ferret if it's a Pentium.
+++
RAM: Fuzzy creature with horns that likes to eat. The rodent
is NOT a fitness buff. It's running to get away from the bytes
of the RAM.
+++
Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of 3 main parts:
the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light.
+++
Input/output: Information is input from the keyboard as
intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable
junk.
+++
Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level.
Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
+++
User-friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device, or
concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer. An
example of user-friendly is Help: The feature that assists
in generating more questions. When the Help feature is
used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series
of Help screens and end up where they started from without
learning anything.
+++
Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group
of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played
Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes;
now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get
revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
+++
Default Directory: Black hole. The default directory is where
all files that you need disappear to.
+++
File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable
name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file
cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet
gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is
unknown.
+++
Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date
determined by estimating the actual shipping date and
subtracting 6 months from it.
+++
Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a
monitor. Users are divided into three types - novice,
intermediate, and expert.
+++
Novice users: People who are afraid that simply pressing a key
might break their computer.
+++
Intermediate users: People who don't know how to fix their
computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
+++
Expert users: People who break other people's computers.

+++++++++++++++++

Computer Error Haiku

A file so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

The document you're seeking
Having been erased,
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

+++++++++=

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