Dating Humor 

Relationships:

Newlyweds   Marriage   Kids  

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside  the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
 
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
 
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
 
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
 
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
 
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
 
Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
 
Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

+++++

These two blokes, who for the sake of argument we'll call Tom and
Jim, are sitting in a pub talking about women.
"So," says Jim, "How's it going with the ladies?"
"To me," replies Tom, "Women are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"

"Yep. Whenever I mention sex, they object."

++++++++++

Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the
other girl seemed troubled and asked her,

"Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized.
"I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."

+++++++++++++++++++

I bought April one of those mood rings the other day.

When she's in a good mood, it turns green.

When she's in a *normal* (bad) mood, it leaves a red
mark on my forehead.

++++++++

His convertible slowly rolls to a stop on the deserted country
lane. His somewhat reluctant date turns slowly to him and says,
"Oh. Don't tell me. The old 'ran out of gas' routine, right?"

"No," he replies. "It is the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine?" she asks, somewhat confused.

"Yeah. If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be
here after I'm gone."

++++++++++++

"Short Jokes About Dating... "

I'm dating a homeless woman. It's easier to talk
her into staying over.
+++
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for
a date on Saturday night.
+++
Did you hear about the man who went on "The
Dating Game?" He chose himself - and scored!
+++
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of
anatomy.
+++
Why is it a mistake to date a necrophiliac?
He just wants you for your body.
+++
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get
a free dog.

+++++++++++++

"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live
without me, and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."

++++++++

Jeff got off the elevator on the 15th floor and nervously knocked on the door of his blind date's apartment. Fortunately she was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said and put him instantly at ease. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she told him. "Why don't you play with my dog Spot while you're waiting? He's such a clever dog! He can roll over, shake hands, sit up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump right through!"
Jeff went out to the balcony to wait for his date and the dog followed him. Just to see if Spot really could do any tricks, Jeff made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through them - right off the balcony! He was wondering how he would explain this when his date walked back out.
"I'm ready," she said. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

Jeff quickly replied, "To tell the truth, I think he seemed a little depressed."

++++++++

John was talking to his fiancee, Rebecca, and he said, Be
honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?

To which she replied, Honey, I would definitely say that
you're warm.

Really? he said excitedly.

Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition
of the word 'warm'.

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun,
checked his dictionary and found, WARM: Not so hot.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

+++++++

Chat Up Lines that are CERTAIN to Work:

=> Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?

=> For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.

=> You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing,
she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.

=> You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.

=> No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.

=> My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.

=> After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of
my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.

=> I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.

=> How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.

=> Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?

=> I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?

+++++++

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an
attractive girl. Right away he began flattering her
outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was
taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was
amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed
marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. There is no
way you could be so sure. We don't know a thing about each
other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5
years I've been working in the bank where your father
has his account.

++++++++

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a
party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took
me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You
told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

+++++++

At the bar one night, a man approached one of the ladies standing near the edge of the dance floor. "Would you like to dance?" he asked.
The girl didn't even look at him when she replied, "I don't like this song, and even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The man immediately said, "I'm sorry, but you must have misunderstood me. I said, 'You look fat in those pants.'"

++++++++

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Devil." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

+++++++++++

BEFORE & AFTER LOVE

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football.

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm.

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart.

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom.

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain.

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant.

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end.

+++++++=

Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates.

Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"

Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they quickly became friends."

"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

++++

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves
that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity
to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable.
"Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't
know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

+++++++

After Leslie brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her
father invited the young man into his study to find out more
about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.

"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.

"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"

"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.

"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"

"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After
Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what
he found out.

The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the
good news is that he thinks I'm God."

+++++

Some years ago, my high-school girlfriend and I were driving my
father to his bowling league. She got in the back of the car to let
my father ride up front and have more leg room. Along the way
she leaned forward to comment on how strange it felt to be sitting
back there, because she had never been in the back seat of my car
before.

"Boy," said my father, "am I ever relieved to hear that!"

++++++++++

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up
your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to
give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the
more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a
long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed
her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

++++++++++

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand
another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly
arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would
have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on
a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news.
My grandfather has just died."

"Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to."

++++++++

A man was ambling through a crowded street fair when
he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I
can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
The man readily agreed and the reader took one look at
his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."

"That's true," said the man.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," he shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

--------------

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that,
you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

+++++++

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can
you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was
just planning to support your daughter. The rest of
you will have to fend for yourselves."

+++++++++++

A woman came home from her date and began to undress
for bed, unaware that a peeping Tom was watching her
through her window. She removed her wig and placed it
upon the wig stand. She unhooked her padded bra and
pitched it into the hamper. She pulled off her girdle
with the padded butt and pitched that too. She removed
her contact lenses, cleaned them, and stored them in their case. She pulled off her false eyelashes and stuck them to their holder.

Suddenly she noticed the man peeping in at her window.
"What do you want?" she screamed.

He said, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw
it over here."

++++++++

The probability of meeting someone you know increases
greatly when you are out with someone you do not want
to be seen with.

++++++++++

Bob was courting Mary. The young couple sat in the
parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to
the annoyance of Mary's father.

One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that Bob
fella doin' here all hours of the night?"

"Why, Dad," said Mary, "Bob was just telling me
everything that's in his heart!"

"Well, next time," roared the father, "just let him
tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as
long!"

++++++++++

When a girl of 20 is told, "We have a man for you," she asks,
"What is he? What does he look like?"

When a girl of 30 is told, "We have a man for you," she asks,
"Who is he? What does he do?"

When a girl of 40 is told, "We have a man for you," she asks,
"WHERE is he? Where?"

+++++++

Did you hear the one about a man who dropped into a computer-dating Center and requested someone who was petite, liked water sports, enjoyed company and favored formal attire?

The computer operated flawlessly.. and sent him a penguin.

+++++++

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten
married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for
The perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who Suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as
I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's
just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's
just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom.
My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

++++++++

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "I don't like that
new boyfriend, he's rough and crude and incredibly stupid also," said
the father.

"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever." "In
fact," the daughter continued, "we've only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness I used to get once a month."

++++++++

For two years, a man has been writing to a woman in Norway but they Have never met. At long last, the man decides they ought to do something about it and he suggests that she should fly over and he'll meet her at the airport.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," she replies, "but I think I ought
to tell you that I am completely bald, I suffer from a nervous disorder and don't have any hair on any part of my body."

He writes back to tell her that ii is not a problem.

Another letter arrives soon after and in this she says, "I think you
Should also know that I don't have any arms, I write by putting the pen between my toes."

A LITTLE startled to receive this news, he still tells her to come,
but by return of post she writes that she meant to tell him she has only one large eye in the middle of her forehead.

It's too late for him to back out, so he writes back to say he's
Looking forward to seeing her and could she wear a white carnation in her buttonhole so that he will recognize her.

+++++++

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with
a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest
mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop
goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous
full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier
sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir,
that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it
up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow
returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show
your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your
checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you
for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

++++++++

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

++++++++

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger

++++++

One night, a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to
meet her parents, and they were appalled by his
appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and
pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter
aside and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would
he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"

+++++++=

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't
care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a
man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was
seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had
one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

++++++++

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two
must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is
customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of
entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest
suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases,
the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.

When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call
it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior

++++++

Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating.....
Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....
You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at
all times.

When you are dating.....
He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....
He brings home a six pack, and says "What are you going to
drink?"

When you are dating.....
A Single bed for two isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....
A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating.....
Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married ....
When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating.....
He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....
The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating.....
He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....
He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating.....
He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....
He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating.....
He calls you by name.
When you are married ....
He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others
as "She."

When you are dating.....
You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....
You think to yourself - "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating.....
You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....
You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating.....
You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....
You wonder who will die first.

+++++++++

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

++++++

THINGS NOT TO SAY ON A DATE

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted
to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not
good to mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear
my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used
to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a
second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching
contest.

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face.
But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am.

+++++++

DICTIONARY OF DATING

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time,
and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you
don't especially like in the present and will learn to like
a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do
so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in
the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually
due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her
chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes
sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE
A woman's feeling toward a man that is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract
two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often
than he does.

SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

+++++++

A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."

"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"

He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."

"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done!"

+++++++

Guide to Being Dumped

This is a message for all of you singles.
Is life getting you down?
Guys, have you been getting depressed because there is simply not enough women to go around?
And ladies, are you tired of the guys being to afraid to ask you out?

Well here it is, the answer to everyone's deepest wish! Here is "The Guide to Being Dumped." These are the top 10 dumping lies translated to their true meanings for all of you.

"I'm not ready for that type of commitment"
Translation: I don't want to date you; however, you can take me out to dinner and a movie every once in a while. Just don't hang around me so much that you scare away the people I really want to date.

"God doesn't want me to date right now. "
Translation: I don't know why I said 'yes' in the first place. God doesn't want me to date someone as ugly as you.

"I only date older men/women."
Translation: I only date older men/women who have more money than you do.

"You're just not my type."
Translation: When I look at you, and think of kissing you, I get
physically sick.

"You're too good for me."
Translation: I'm too good/much/cool for you.

"You're too much like a brother/sister"
Translation: I like you, but you just don't turn me on.

"You'll always have a special place in my heart."
Translation: My lawyer will contact you soon about the restraining order.

"I think we should date other people."
Translation: Look, I'm late for my date, he/she's probably waiting in the parking lot. I've got to go.

"I just don't have the time to date anyone."
Translation: You DO realize that I've been avoiding you for months now...

"Maybe we can get together real soon."
Translation: Perhaps if you were the last man/woman on Earth.

+++++++++

THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:

I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out
of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.

Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my
test results are in.

Before we go out we have to get the rules straight.

Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour
if you're a good boy and pay attention.

That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.

Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just
happen?

This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They
think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved
issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me
Mary?

Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.

You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.

I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've
arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you
ever dated a female wrestler before?

++++++++

Some years ago, my high-school girlfriend and I were driving my father to his bowling league. She got in the back of the car to let my father ride up front and have more leg room.

Along the way she leaned forward to comment on how strange it felt to be sitting back there, because she had never been in the back seat of my car before.

"Boy," said my father, "am I ever relieved to hear that!"

++++++++

When I was 14 I wanted a girlfriend

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So
I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

When I was in college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama
queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I
needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me totally miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and looking for a girl with big boobs.

++++++++++

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Bob and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.'

And Bob wrote: 'I love sex.'

+++++++

Rules To Date My Daughter

RULE #1

My daughter’s name is Stephanie. Her name is not “Mama”, “Houchie”, “Babe”, “Yo Bitch”, or any other name currently in the vocabulary of your age group identifying young women. With her permission, you may call her by her nickname, “Sam.” If I hear any of these other terms used to refer to my sweet girl you will get an immediate response from me, her father.

RULE #2

I am Stephanie’s father. You can call me “Sir”. This is as in “Yes Sir”, “No Sir”, “I wouldn’t think of it, Sir”, and “I will remember that good advice, Sir.”

RULE #3

Do not touch my daughter in front of me as it may provoke an uncontrollable and probably overly aggressive response on my part. You may glance at her as long as your glances are from the neck up.

RULE #4

When a woman says “No” it means “No!” However, when Stephanie says “No” it means, “If you do not immediately stop what you are doing I will tell my Daddy and very soon, when you are alone and least expect it, he will be standing behind you in the dark with a grin on his face waiting for you to turn around so you and he can have a “friendly” chat.

RULE #5

If you stop in front of my house and honk you had better be delivering a pizza. If I learn that you are honking for my daughter I will come outside and twist off your honker. Also, be aware that I will be observing to see if Stephanie opens her own car door. I open the door for my mother, my wife, my daughter, and any other woman who gets in my car. You should do the same. However, if I ever get into your car, please do not open my door.

RULE #6

When you meet me for the first time please do not be uncomfortable if I Stare at you. I am only doing this so I can cement the memory of what you look like into my mind. This, of course, is in case I have to come after you for violating one of the rules. I would hate for there to ever be a case of mistaken identity involving an innocent bystander.

RULE #7

Please bring my daughter back home in the same shape she left in. Drive carefully. Protect her from drunks and obnoxious people. Do not coax her to try drugs or alcohol. Always be ready to use your body to get between her and any objects flying in her direction. Also, I expect her clothing to come back in the same condition it left in. You should know that I would not react well if I saw even one grass stain on any portion of her clothing.

RULE #8

Do not go to school and tell stories to your pals about my daughter, whether true or untrue. If you do, be prepared to explain to those same pals how that mouse appeared under your right eye.

RULE #9

I am aware it is considered fashionable for boys your age to want to put “hickeys” on the necks of their girlfriends. I can only guess it is done to show your friends how passionate you can get. If you ever get that passionate feeling with my daughter and have the desire to suck on her neck, please remember, a hickey on my daughter’s neck only tells me that you have no concern for your well-being.

RULE #10

Stephanie will always have a specific time in the evening when I expect Her home. Please take this curfew seriously because I will not be able to sleep until I know she has safely returned home. If you bring her home too late or, God forbid, the next morning, the camouflaged face looking in the window of your car will be mine.

LAST COMMENT FROM DAD:

Young man, if you are still here after reading these rules you must really care for my daughter. This is the way to get me on your side. Seriously, there is only one rule. This one rule is simply that you care for my daughter as much as I do.

++++++++

Joe had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home
crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly
awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"

"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Joe. "When I told her what you
advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."

"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told
your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time
stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?"
asked his father.

"Oh boy, dad, did I got it all wrong," Joe groaned.
"I said, 'MY Dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"

+++++++

Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed
by Sam, his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?"
the older man asked Morris the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Morris, "I'm sure that I am."

"Think long and carefully now," said Sherry's father.
"There are twelve of us...including uncle Izzy"

++++++++

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...
(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY
Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY
Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

ARCHAEOLOGY
One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE
"OH! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

BIOLOGY
"You just wanted to get in my genes!"

PHYSICS
Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM
"Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to
their relationship of 2 weeks..."

WOMEN'S STUDIES
"HE did it!"

BUSINESS
Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY
Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY
Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY
"I never liked your body anyway."

ECONOMICS
One party demands more than the other can supply.

+++++++

Girls, you know it's a bad date when..

You order a Double Whopper and he says,
"Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey!"

You've never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.

He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.

Your dinner reservations are under, "Loser, party of 2."

He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

Calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as
the stand off with the police is over.

He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.

+++++++++

Guys, you know you're on a bad date when:

She whispers to the waiter, "Please kill me."

All she talks about is how great it is working for Heidi Fleiss.

You catch her giving her phone number to the
guy cleaning your windshield.

She lunges at you several times with a steak knife.

She keeps calling you "Bachelor Number Two."

"Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"

She transitions the conversation by saying, "I've said
enough about me. What do you think about me?"

+++++++

"You might show me a little more respect", complained the girl as she and her date were driving back from "Lover's Lookout".

"Yeah?" said the smirking date, "Like by doing what?"

"Well, for starters, like not flying my panty hose from your radio antenna.

++++++++

SINGLE

Sleeping
In
Nightgowns
Gives
Less
Enjoyment

******

 All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she haughtily
rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"

"Well," he replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"

***********

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger

********

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment, where he soon discovered she was actually well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to get intimate with her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors, and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

"Oh, Sherry, by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma, and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."

She continued, "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

*****************

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told
her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he
doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

vvvvvvvvvvvv

As Alicia was getting to know Michael and his family, she was very
impressed by how much his parents loved each other.

"They're so thoughtful," Alicia said. "Why, your dad even brings your
mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Alicia and Michael were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Alicia again remarked on
Michael's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she
said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Michael. "And I take after my mom."

*****************

When my last boyfriend realized that I was really kicking his lazy ass
out for good, he started trying to patch things up. He got all sad, and
looked at me with tenderness, saying "You know I love you. Say those
three little words that will make me walk on air."

I said, "Go hang yourself."

**********

Single Is As Single Does

S till
I s
N obody
G ood
L ooking
E nough

*************

When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were
discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended.
Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a
farm way out in the sticks.

We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before,
but she was too naive and trusting.

Joel said, 'Listen, for her own good, and as her friends,
we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's
wrong.'

I replied, 'Agreed! You teach her what's right!'

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper,
"Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. "Of course
you are!" she said, "and the best, too -- I don't know why you men
always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

**************

The young man said to his sweetheart,
"We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets."

The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"
"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"

++++++++

I just got a copy of "People's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors".
I have searched cover to cover, and I still can't find the
order form.

+++++++

A few days letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to
Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'"

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by
the hand for a walk in the garden. A few minutes later, Adam
emerged and said,

"Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam
again took Eve for a walk in the garden. Quite a few
minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
"Lord, that was even better than the kiss."

And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to
take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in
only seconds. And Adam said,

"Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

*******

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows
him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the
kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there
alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I...

"She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an
ashtray."

********

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when
she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window.
"Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through
the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather
jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she
said.

"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick
through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.
"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her
boyfriend.

"Whoa, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of
bricks or something!"

----------

My girlfriend had a terrible time of it. First she
got tonsillitis, then appendicitis and pneumonia.
After that they gave her hypodermics and
inoculations.

I thought she would never win that spelling bee.

+++++++++

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large
sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

+++++

The following Dating Humor is R-rated. Do not continue on this page if you might be offended. You have been warned!

Click here for other Relationships Humor

R-Rated Dating Humor

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a
nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine
and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in
a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty
excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams.
"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid
and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your
brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax
blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

++++++++

A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the
size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn't
want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees
the size.

One night when he and his girlfriend are making
out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small
dick, and shoves it into her hand.

He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction.

His girlfriend says,
Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke."

+++++

A young couple is out driving one evening. While driving down
the highway the guy says to the girl,
"If I go 100 mph, will you take off all of your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer
hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he
is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.

The girls is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and
her boyfriend are trapped in the car.

"GO GET HELP." he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
"Cover your crotch with that and GO GET HELP!"

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas
station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic
and yells to the attendant,
"Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant look down at the shoe covering her and
replies,
"I'm sorry miss, He's too far in."

+++++++++++

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of
passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

++++++++++

Guide to communication between the sexes

__Women's English___

=> Yes = No

=> No = Yes

=> Maybe = No

=> I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

=> We need = I want

=> It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

=> Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

=> We need to talk = I need to complain

=> Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

=> You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

=> Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

=> This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

=> I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

=> I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

=> Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

=> How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

=> I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

=> You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me


__Men's English__

=> I'm hungry = I'm hungry

=> I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

=> I'm tired = I'm tired

=> Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

=> Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

=> Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

=> May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

=> Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

=> You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

=> What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

=> I love you = Let's have sex now!

=> I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex

=> Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe we can have sex?

=> I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay

++++++++

Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Father When Picking Up His Daughter

10. "Now.. show me how you used to spank her."

9. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

8. "I just got my license today."

7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

6. "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?"

5. "I feel like we both have something in common, she calls ME daddy too!"

4. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

3. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

2. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

+++++++++++

Dictionary of Dating

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

++++++++++++

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks
and get you a bit loose."

"Oh, no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more
drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh, no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.

+++++++++++

WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE

I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the
last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.

I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ...
but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa
today.

Something tells me that you're very special ... but with
medication I can usually ignore it.

I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the
U.S. Department of Justice."

Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.

Wait till my wife hears about this!

I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six
to eight months with good behavior.

++++++++++++

Three men were trying to guess the professions
of their respective dates of the previous evening,
judging by their bedroom performance and
conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse,
because she said, "Lie back and relax. This
won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have
been a schoolteacher, because she had said,
"Do it over and over until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have
been a stewardess, because all she had
said was, "Put this over your mouth and
nose and continue to breathe normally."

+++++++++++

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten
out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into
the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to
meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

The first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude
except for a pair of black lace panties.

He in his birthday suit, looking at her he asks, "Why the black
panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an
erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."

****************

A man and his girlfriend are having sex, when he asks her to
"go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front
of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping
her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After
a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved
voice, "Well, what the fuck are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with
no money....just looking."

++++

Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that
he had to break off their engagement so he could marry
another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked
between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

++++++

"Where'd you take that blind date I set you up with last night?"

"I took her to the football game."

"But that was the coldest night of the year. Did you enjoy yourself?"

"No. The whole time we were there, her teeth chattered."

++++++++++++

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears and promises to provide her with
everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and she doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very**
satisfied.

"Where have you been?" Demands the fairygodmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin
three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other."

+++++++++++++++++

A guy is going to his new girlfriend's house for the first time to pick her up for a date. As he rings the doorbell he realizes he has
to let loose a huge fart. Before he can break wind however the door is opened by the girl's father.

"She'll be down in a moment. She's upstairs getting ready," says the father. "Why don't you sit down in the living room for a moment?"

The guy sits but he still has to fart really badly but he can't blow gas because the father sits down across from him and starts reading the newspaper.

This is horrible," the guy thinks. "I certainly don't want to fart in front of my date but I don't want to fart in front of her father either…"

A few moments pass in which the guy is increasing uncomfortable with the fart up his butt. Then the family dog comes in and
sits down next to the guy.

This is great," the guy thinks. "If I fart small enough farts the father will think that the dog did it and I'll get rid of my fart before
my date comes down."

The guy cuts a test fart to see if this will work: "Ptthhhhhh."

"Fido!" says the father from behind his newspaper.

This is gonna work," thinks the guy. "I'm gonna get away with it!"

He cuts a longer one: "PTTTTHHHHHHH."

"FIDO!" says the father from behind his newspaper.

"Outstanding!" the guy thinks. "Just two or three more little ones and I'll be free and clear."

But then the guy hears his girlfriend coming down the stairs. He knows he has to get rid of the rest of the gas and he does, ripping huge one: "PTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH!"

The father puts down the newspaper and looks at the dog.

"Fido," he says, "You better get away from that guy before he craps on you."

===============

Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends
when the subject of picking up ladies pops up.

"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.
"This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."

"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"

"Let's just say I got lucky."

"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"

"I would," Paul says.

"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with
herpes I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild
thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were
only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him,
"What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him
the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she
asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my
girlfriend."

++++++++++

Snow White and Pinocchio got lost in the same forest on opposite ends. Both of them started getting very lonely. When they got to each other, they became very happy because finally they had
found someone to keep them company while they tried to find there way out.

Snow White asked Pinocchio if they could play together. Pinocchio didn't mind and said yes. They started playing and having some fun.
Then Snow White asked Pinocchio if she could sit naked on his nose. Pinocchio didn't mind and said yes again. He was lonely and this was
interesting and keeping his mind off being lost.

After Snow White sat on his nose, she started singing:

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies................"

+++++++++

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a
very busy area, when things started to get some what
passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and
have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not
paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having
sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and
apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time
to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend
what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

===============

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his
Apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said,

"Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he
unlocks his door."

The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him,
"Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and
opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and
that isn't for me. The second way is if a man fumbles around
and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is
inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

He then proceeded to say,

"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

*****************************

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said,

"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The attractive young miss was about to go to bed with her
blind date when she burst into tears.

"I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said
between sobs.

"I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her.

"You're the first one," she gulped.

"The first one to make love to you?" he asked.

"No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The guy walked into the bar looking like he'd been run over by a
truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes
torn.

His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What happened?"

The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's virginity."

"No kidding?"

"Yeah. But that little bitch was determined to keep it."

++++++++++++++++++

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting
right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to
come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just
when his Mom comes walking out she sees her son sliding
his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know
that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks
his lucky stars he didn't get bitten! For the next ten years,
this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth
between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her
parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little
action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the
sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?"
she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth
down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him
a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry", he says. "My Mom already told me
that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off
her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and
says,

"LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies,

"Well, with the condition of those gums,
I'm not surprised!"

++++++++++++++++

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy
said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is
compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have
her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a
black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her
that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked
that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told
her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked
that, too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went
wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried
to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

+++++++++

 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

+++++++++

Once, there was this midget. Being a midget, he was very
sexually deprived. His urges and cravings got the better
of him, and one day he got his money together and took
a trip down to Main Street. He went up to several prostitutes,
and they all turned him down.

Finally, he met this one prostitute in some back alley. She
was a 300-pound lesbian biker whore who had that hefty
mountain-man look about her. He offered her his proposal
and she said, "Well, it's been kinda slow, and I really need
the money, so lets go back to my place."

Once they get back to her nasty apartment, they immediately
began the acts of pleasure. Being the feisty midget he was,
he asked if she would take it from behind, and she readily
agreed.

Well, the whore was simply amazed by this midget's talents,
as orgasm after orgasm came flying her way. Finally, she
yelled out, "OH GOD! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?"

And the midget cunningly replied,
"Oh baby, just wait until I put my other foot in!!!"

++++++++++++

He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on.
I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll
let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets
down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too
dark, so he gets out his lighter.

He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair...
it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you PEE through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

+++++++++++=

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems
he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young
man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," the
boss replied, "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her
pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't
work. Once I get her pants off, I'm not mad anymore."

++++++++++

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother
says "Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys."

"He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that but
don't let him do that." "He is going to try and feel your breast,
you are going to like that but don't let him do that."
"He is going to try and put his hands between your legs, you are
going to like that but don't let him do that."

"But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you
and have his way with you. You are going to like that but,
don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just
like she said.

But she said "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."

+++++++++++=

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately
he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm
during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was
disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped
men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the
rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that
was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was
too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home,
he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out
and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to
masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As
he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom
of his pants not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the
orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes, because
your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

++++++++++

Signs You Had A Bad First Date

1) Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date
her mother.

2) You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.

3) When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

4) You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and
get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation
of her parole.

5) Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

6) You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her
cousin.

7) At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a
free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

8) She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

9) You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

10) At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

11) You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh.

12) She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if
you want to meet Satan.

13) She is better hung than you.

++++++++++

A large, muscular guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number
of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are kissing
in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,
"See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She smiles.

The man then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and
says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's
1000 pounds of dynamite!"

Finally, he drops his boxers, and after a quick glance, she grabs
her handbag and runs screaming to the front door. He catches
her before she is able to leave and asks,
"Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short
fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

++++++++++

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very, very
attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked
him how he managed for sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied. Jane explained to him what sex
was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on
the ground and spread her legs wide.

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look,
got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."

+++++++++++++

THE ART OF KISSING

• Lip Only Kiss: When the only parts of your bodies that touch
are your lips.

• French Kiss: Lips touching, mouths open, exploring each
other with your tongues.

• Nip Kiss: When you add gentle, little nibbles of your lover's
lower lip.

• Cradling Kiss: When you hold your lover's face in both
hands while kissing.

• Switch Kiss: When you A kiss your partner's upper lip while
s/he kisses your lower lip.

• Zorro Kiss: Also known playfully as the "Dueling Tongues" kiss.

• Sleep Kiss: Kissing your partner gently while s/he sleeps.

• Awakening Kiss: Kissing your partner's lips gently at first, and
then increasing the pressure until s/he awakens.

• Butterfly Kiss: When you lightly brush your eyelashes against
your partner's cheek, or other body part.

• Red Corvette Kiss: While driving with your partner, kissing
every time you spot a red Corvette.

• Vacuum Kiss: Sucking the air out of each other's mouths, and
then separating with a pop!

• Cordial Kiss: Taking a sip of your favorite cordial or liqueur,
keeping it in your mouth, then kissing your partner, sharing the liquid.

• Humming Kiss: Humming her favorite love song while kissing
her... down below.

++++++++++++++

The blind daters had really hit it off. At the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me if you have any special fetishes that I should know about."

"As a matter of fact," said the girl, "I happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for seven or eight inches."

+++++

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!"

++++++++

The lights were bright, the moon was high.
We were alone just her and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes were blue,
And I knew just what she wanted me to do.
Her face was smooth, her body fine.
I ran my fingers down her spine.
Trembling with shock, I felt her heart,
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
I knew she was ready but I didn’t know how.
It was my first experience with milking a cow.

****************

Bless

Heavenly Father up above
Bless this guy I truly love
Bless his hair that sometimes curls
Keep him away from other girls

Bless his hands that sometimes roam
let them roam on me alone
Bless his legs that run so fast
Bless his little sexy ass

Bless the places where we laid
Bless the gap which he has made
Bless the places where we fucked
Bless my breast on which he sucked

Bless the places that were dark
Bless my neck on which he marked
Bless the thickness of his sperm
Protect it from numeral germs

Bless his body I love to quench
Bless his tongue I love to french
Bless my voice for when I squeal
Bless his penis I love to feel

Bless his ass I love to squeeze
Bless his balls I love to please
And if he reads this prayer of mine
I hope it blows his fucking mind

*****************

While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they
dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young
bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for
his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There night be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is
he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

*************
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every
single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the
same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

******************

A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.

Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little pussy."

She said, "Oh, me too, mine's as big as a house."

***************

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend.

When I was 16 I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a boy with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a boy with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting boy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one party to another, never settling on anything. He did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a boy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious boy with his feet planted
firmly on the ground so I moved in with him. He was so ambitious that he dumped me and took everything I owned. I am older now and am looking for a guy with a very big dick.

****************

Moanin' Mike is sittin' in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and braggin' about his sex life.

Moanin' says, I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can
really rattle the windows, and *most* of it really turns me on. I love
it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'

"Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy. But *come on* and tell the
truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?"

"The only problem I have..." Moanin' said dejectedly, "Is when she
screams, 'Deeper!'"

*************

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her
books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.

"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first
girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit," said Wanda, "another beginner!"

**************

Bob found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." Bob thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied................

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat...

++++++++

A guy walked out of a public toilet with his dick protruding from the
fly of his pants.

An old maid immediately accosted him. "Sir," she said indignantly, "your penis is sticking out of your trousers!"

The guy looked down and replied, "Don't flatter yourself madam, it's
only hanging out!"

****************

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out
and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie
really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately
revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie
comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that
she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby
escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes
back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at
her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE
TWIST!!!"

+++++++

More Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and
the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a
good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or
girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like
that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

++++++++=

Jerry let his friend set him up on a blind date. After an evening of pure hell, he called his friend to give him a piece of his mind.

Sam answered the phone only to hear the rage in Jerry's voice.

"What is your problem?" Sam asked.

"Damn you!" Jerry raged. "It was terrible! Pure hell, I tell you! Her measurements were 36-24-36!"

"Terrible?" exclaimed the friend, "I can't understand why you're complaining!" Sam shouted back. " She was really well built!"

Jerry yelled, "Sam, you jerk, her other leg was the same!"

+++++++++++

A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months.
They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.

They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room. Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad: she in turn is the apple of his eye. So naturally, he's worried sick about her wellbeing and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.

The girl opens it. "Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"

"Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word. "Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."

"Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.

"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."

"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "...great pair of tits too!"

+++++++

Emily, I don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.
"That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my gosh," her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?"

"Wear an old dress."

*********

A girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it's the girl's turn to
buy a round, she tells him that she's heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has
two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey's, the other lime juice.
Instructions: "OK, what you gotta do is, you gotta swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a bit dubious, but she's very enthusiastic so he decides to
give it a go. First the Bailey's; lovely smooth, creamy, warm
feeling in the mouth. Then he takes the lime juice.

1 second: The cream in the Bailey's curdles.

3 seconds: Boyfriend's face turns the color of fresh lime juice.

5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge.

7 seconds: She whispers in his ear, "Blowjob revenge!"

++++++++++

A man and his girlfriend are having sex, when he asks her
to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in
front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and
tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved
voice, "Well, what the fuck are you doing?"

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown
with no money....just looking."

++++++++

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
each other goodnight in the foyer, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" He says,
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" She says, "No. Can
you imagine if we get caught?" He begs, "Oh come on! There's nobody
around, they're all sleeping!" She whispers, "No way. It's just too risky!"

He is really begging by now, "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

She sighs, "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" He says,
"I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she
says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Otherwise I
can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and
do it. But for heaven's sake, take your hand off the intercom.

++++++

RECIPE FOR MAKING LOVE:

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well - Shaped legs
4 Loving Arms
2 Firm milk Containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

DIRECTIONS:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Sqeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight)
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften,
repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar Kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2 Do not lick mixing bowl after.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

++++++++++

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for
himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships
were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now
get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the
drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a
five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the
same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could
now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the
drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it
makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

+++++++++

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hoped for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."

The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

++++++++

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says,
"My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your
secret?"

His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain,
I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish.
In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my
tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents'
house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to
pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says,
"Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a
little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you
talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in
the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room,
on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there
are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't
done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little
horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything,
so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there
on the dining room table.

Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of
cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her
mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the
window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle.
He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube
of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right,
I'll do the fucking dishes."

++++++++

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?"

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face.

He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said: 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'."

++++++++

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic
winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out
to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey,
my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and
that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really
freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs
and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood
to get them through the night. When he returns, he says
again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't
your ears ever get cold?"

+++++++

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually
large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain
any sort of long term relationships because even the most
well endowed men soon lose interest because of her
inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked
her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the
way home she stops at the butcher and buys a lb. of fresh
liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that
lb. of liver into her box hoping that it will take up
some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn
out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails,
have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her
place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others
arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to
be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best
shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid."

She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on
the kitchen table.....

"Dear Annie,
Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT
time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave
so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get
together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill

(P.S. Your cunt's in the sink)

+++++++

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover
and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks
up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He
notices there's something in one of the pockets and it
turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, "Uh oh.
What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the
other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, "What happened
last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude and accept
the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in
the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of
his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a God,
please let this be a tea bag."

+++++++

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The redhead, Helen said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

+++++++

A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference
between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job
interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

++++++

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like
my airplane, huh?

The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

********

Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

"Not on her best day," he replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

"No, she's broke."

"Well, then, is it sex?"

"Nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what can she do that I can't?"

"Sue me for child support."

**********

Nina lived in Manhattan. Nina's younger sister, Rosey, came in from
college to spend a weekend with her sophisticated city-sister. Nina had even arranged a date for Rosey with one of her friends, George.

After a lovely dinner and a show, George and Rosey went to George's
apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a while and then George
suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Rosey protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said George, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

++++++

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart, and as
they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.... Romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and
bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

+++++++

A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first
date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night.

"Mom, I think I am in love!"

"What do you mean, it was your first date!"

"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass."

"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first get fucked
in the ass and then suck his dick that's love!"

+++++++++++

Mary: I've been thinking about joining a couple for a threesome.

Jill: No kidding?

Mary: No kidding! All I have to do is find a couple!

++++++++

Benefits of Dating Older Women

* Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years.

Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically
eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

* An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.

Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

* Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

* Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up.

A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

* An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to screw you too.

* An older woman will almost always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.

* Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

++++++++

A young man and his naive girlfriend were taking a leisurely stroll
through the countryside when they happened across a great bull shagging the ass of a cow.

"What are they doing?" asked the young woman.

The man, not knowing what to say replied, "They're making meat pies, my dear."

They carry on walking, the girl seeming satisfied with the answer. A few miles further on they stumble across a great ram shagging a small sheep.

"And what are they doing" asked the young woman again.

To this the man replied, "They too are making meat pies.". Again they
carry on, and as they are walking the man spots a deserted barn. All this walking had made him incredibly randy and turning to his girlfriend he inquires as to whether *she* would like to make pies.

"Okay" she replies, and they disappear into the barn where the man shags his girlfriend for dear life.

Having finished, they carry on walking back to town, after a while the girl suddenly turns to the man and says,

"I think the pies are done."

The man is confused and inquires, "Why is that, dear?"

She smiles back shyly and says,

"Because the gravy has just run down my leg."

++++++++

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking."
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets
closer to the car & sees a young man behind the wheel, reading
a computer magazine& a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car &
knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... "Yes,
officer?"

"What are you doing?" asked the officer. "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm
reading a magazine..."

Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what
is she doing?"

The young man says:"I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night
an nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir..."..

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch & says: "She'll be 18 in 20
minutes..."

++++++++++++++

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the young man
exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the Boss.

"Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work.. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

++++++

Dear Abby,
I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level.
I have one problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD.
What should I do? Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn: If she coughs a-lot, screw her.

+++++++++

A guy and his girl are walking home from the bar one night and start screwing up against a fence.

Suddenly the fence gives way and they both fall into a garden.

The owner of the house comes out, looks at them and says "You gonna pay for that?"

The guy says to his girl, "What do you think, wanna go halves on the cost ?"

"I don't think so asshole!" says his girl. "I was pushing the other way!"

+++++++++

Dating vs Married

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ...You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a
good time
When you are married ...He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married...He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ...You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

**********
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the bartender
watches as he drinks one drink and pours the other one on his
hand. He orders two more drinks and does the same thing. The
third time the bartender asks him what's going on.

"Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"?

The man smiles at him , winks and says "I'm trying to get my
date drunk."

+++++++++

Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled
on the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff
what's wrong.

"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at
work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection
every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.

"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally plucked
up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Dave, "when are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but
I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some
cellotape and taped my todger to my leg, so if I did,
it wouldn't show."

"Sensible." says Dave.

"So I get to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell.
And she answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you
ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

Jeff huddles over the bar again.

"I kicked her in the face."

+++++

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your
inger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which
feels better-your ear or your finger?"

++++++++++++++

A young man was out on a date with a rather flat-chested girl.
The evening ended on the sofa in her apartment. The boy put his
arm around her and made a few preliminary passes.

The girl stiffened indignantly. "Here, here!" she exclaimed.

"Where, where?" he replied

++++++++++++

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body  heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.

The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my  body will warm it up.

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'  

+++

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