A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me."

+++

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"

++++++

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

++++

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

++++

Don't laugh said the patient Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

+++++ 

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. 

The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months. 

+++ 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." 

Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

+++ 

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 

Patient: "I am 60!" 

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 

+++ 

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. 

The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" 

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

+++ 

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." 

Doctor: "Don't answer!" 

++++

A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call. 

"Fifty dollars," muttered the sleepy physician. 

"How much is an office visit?" asked the caller. 

"Twenty-five dollars." 

"Okay, Doc, I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes." 

++++++++++

When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but 
take the opportunity to turn the tables on him. 

"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to 
get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..." 

++++++++

A man was sitting down watching his TV one evening, when he heard a loud
knocking on his door. Wondering who on earth it could be, he jumped up to 
answer it. There, standing before him, was a large beetle who proceeded to 
beat him up. 

The next evening, there was the same knocking at the door. Cautiously the 
man answered the door. Again, there was the beetle, and the same thing 
happened. 

The man took himself down to his doctor with his cuts and bruises 
and explained the whole situation to his Doc. 

"Hhmm," said the doctor, looking at his wounds, "I'd heard there was a 
nasty bug going around!"

++++++++

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other endof the line. 

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. 

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" 

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

==============

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been Any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." 

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" 

"The guy was your doctor." 

+++++++++ 

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. 

When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain 
English what is wrong with me."

"Well, quite simply," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay. I see." said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

++++++++

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

++++++++

A man walked into a doctor's office and the Receptionist asked him what he had. 

He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. 

He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, 
"Change into this gown and wait in theexamining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, 
and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said,
"I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

++++++++

John decides to paint the toilet seat one morning while his wife is away. The job done, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. Mary, his wife, came home sooner than expected, and needing to visit the bathroom, sits down and 
gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, Mary shouts for John to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to thedoctor's office, John lifts his wife's coat to show their pitiable predicament. 

John asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor admitted. "But never framed."

+++++++
  

SIGNS YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR

- He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.

- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."

- After examining you, he says, "Now do me."

- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.

- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.

- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."

- Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."

- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.

+++++++

A man tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off. 

Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery. 

"Oh good," he responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?" 

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you will promise to be careful." 

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling 
outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!" 

+++++++ 

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. 

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. 

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks. "10..." says the doctor. 

10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately. 

"10...9...8...7..."

++++++++ 

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. 

She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!" 

The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem,
but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse." 

The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!" 

The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse." 

Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!" 

Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll 
just shave your neck occasionally." 

At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster 
and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!" 

The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and 
toe nails THAT big!" 

Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!" 

The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper. 

The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?" 

The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the 
street!" 

++++++++

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max. 

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."

---------------------

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. 

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. 

The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and 
explained their options. 

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. 

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. 

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." 

++++++++++++++

A man walks into a crowded doctor's office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, "Sir, may we help you?" 

"There's something wrong with my penis," he informs her. 

The receptionist indignantly responds, "Sir, You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that." 

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he says. 

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." 

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and reenters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks, "Yes?" 

"There's something wrong with my ear," he states. 

The receptionist nods approvingly. 

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" 

"It burns when I piss out of it." 

+++++++++++++++++++

 

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

+++++++++

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation 
Was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments 
and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of 
this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, 

“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal 
advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor Prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 

++++++

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor
asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride 
who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, 
"Well, let me tell you a story.

"A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs
his umbrella instead of a gun. So he's walking in the woods
near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front
of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and 
squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of
him." 

"That's impossible" says the old man in disbelief. "Someone
else must have shot that beaver"...

The doctor says.. "Exactly"

++++++

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he
thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical
examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the
self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. Bring a
banana and a cookie with you," said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and 
returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. 

The doctor says, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. 
This is going to hurt a bit."

Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his
pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with 
one deft motion rams it up the guy's butt. While the doctor 
consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting 
at the doctor. 

"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second 
part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this 
tapeworm," advises the doc. 

Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so 
Complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the 
doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patients butt.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, 
and bring another banana and a cookie," says the doctor.

The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, 
nods his head.

Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a
banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. 
And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day 
UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says, 
"Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you 
to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to 
imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer," confirmed the doctor.

The last day the doctor says, "Okay, you know the routine".

So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the
banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the 
hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. 
Four minutes pass.

Then a little head pokes out of the patients ass yelling, 

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE!?!"

+++++

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical patients.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my 
Operating table, because when you open them up, 
everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are 
he best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like 
construction workers... those guys always understand 
when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when 
the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. 
There are no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and 
butt are interchangeable." 

+++++

A doctor, who had told one of his 80-year-old patients,
'You've got yourself a heart murmur, be careful,' 
was amazed to find him dancing with a scantily clad 
18-year-old at a nightclub.

'What are you doing?' asked the doctor. 

"Taking your advice," the patient replied.

"Get yourself a hot mama and be cheerful." 

<><><><><> 

  

A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told
to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby
and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed." she says.

"Well, strip down to your waist." He orders.

She does. He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then
says, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came!"

++++++++++ 

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor 
did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. 
"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I 
can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a 
letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do 
once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your 
help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest 
tones, "Pay me in advance."

+++++++++++

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants.

After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something."

She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!"

He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

+++++++

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem."

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

++++++++++++=

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: 

"About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."

The man asks for the good news first:

"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.

The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"

"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."

++++++++++++++++++

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. 

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, 

"It's all right Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder 
and said, 

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here." 

++++++++++++++++++=

There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be 
differentiated by the following method: 

General Practitioners know nothing and do little. 

Surgeons know little and do everything. 

Internists knows everything and do nothing. 

Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

+++++++

Mrs. Smith was a hypochondriac. Dr. Jones was fed up with her constant complaints about non-existent illnesses, so he started palming her off with a mild 
sedative to keep her happy. 

One day she complained about chest pains and the doctor prescribed his usual treatment. This time however, the pain was real and Mrs. Smith died of a heart attack. 

On hearing of her death, Dr. Jones was so upset he died of shock. Mrs. Smith and Dr. Jones were buried next to each other in the cemetery. 

The next morning, Dr. Jones heard a tapping on his coffin, followed by a voice saying, "Dr. Jones, this is Mrs. Smith. Do you have anything for worms?"

++++++

Freddy is so depressed... He went to the doctor yesterday and he refused to write Freddy a prescription for Viagra. 

Yea, he said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

+++++++++ 

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

+++++++++++

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable. 

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said, "keep tightly closed."

+++++++++++

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book." 

*********************

A man walked into a doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a banana in his left ear. 

"What's wrong with me, Doc?" he asked. 

The doctor took one glance and pronounced, 

"You're not eating properly!" 

---------------------- 

A man lost both ears in an accident. No local plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good doctor in Sweden and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can perform the operation."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"But you're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

+++++++++++

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

++++++++++

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. 

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" 

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, Doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" 

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. 

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." 

Mrs. Johnson yells, 

"STEVEN! Dad's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 

++++++

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

"Tell me the truth, doctor...how much longer do I have to live?"

"It's hard to predict," answered the doctor, "but let's just say that I wouldn't start watching any mini-series on TV if I were you." 

++++++++++

An English businesswomen explained to her doctor that she was always breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews, in lifts and on trams -- it was 
impossible to control.

"But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."

The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.

"What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?"

"Yes," replied the doctor.

"First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing"

++++++++++

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. 

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

+++++++++++

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

+++++++++++++

Consider the young fellow just out of medical school who moves out to a small community to replace a doctor who is retiring. The older gent suggests the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community can become used to a new doctor. 

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." 

"Well," says the older doctor, "you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they leave the younger man says, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" 

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." 

"Huh," the younger doctor says, "Pretty clever. I'll have to remember that." 

Arriving at the next house, they spend several minutes talking with a young woman. She complains that she just doesn't have the energy she once did. 
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately," she says. 

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor tells her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." 

As they leave, the older man says, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" 

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed." 

++++++++++++++++++++++=

Grandma lay back on her pillow, a comfortable look on her face. 

"I feel much better today," she said. "I don't think my appendix will have to be removed." She beamed happily. "But it was nice of the minister to call and see me." 

"Grandma," said Lulubelle, "that wasn't the minister. That was a specialist from the city who examined you. 

"Oh," granny replied. "I thought he was a little familiar for a minister." 

+++++++++++=

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child
has swallowed a contraceptive." 

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. 

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. 

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. 

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the 
draft. 

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." 

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

++++++++++++++++++

A patient tells the Doctor, "I've been going to a faith healer, but wasn't getting any better."

The Doctor smiled and said, "And what dumb advice did this phony give you?"

"He told me to come see you." replied the new patient.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A woman was having a medical problem -- her husband snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." 

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." 

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "It sounds like leasing a new sports car!" 

"Humm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, huh?" 

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø 

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor."

++++++++

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." 

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" 

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaller. Never touch a drop." 

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor. 

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." 

"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" 

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." 

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" 

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." 

"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!! 

++++++++++++++

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb 
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. 

++++++++++++++++
  

The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. 

After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." 

"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."

+++++++++++

Actual Doctor Stories as reported by the doctors: 
(Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction)

+++

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" 
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. 

+++

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed."Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. 

+++

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 

+++

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read. 
"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 

+++

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

 "Which one?", asked the doctor. 

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" 

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 

+++

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How Long have you been bedridden?" 

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." 

+++

And of course, the best is saved for last.... I was caring for a woman From Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" 

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. 

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 

+++++++++++++++++

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

------------------------------------------------------------

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. 

"Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? 

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued... 

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS!'" 

++++++++++++++++++++++++

An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely glare. 

Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation." 

"So I can well imagine." said his wife icily, "but was it your profession, or hers?"

~~~~~~ 

A man went to the doctor's. 

The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which 
ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00. 

The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?" 

The doctor replied, "the female brain is used." 

+++++++++++

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. 

"Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." 

"This one's kind of strange..." 

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. 

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." 

"I see." 

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." 

"Uh-huh." 

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change!" 

++++++++++++

 

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."

++++++++++

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three
different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a
big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill
with another big glass of water." 

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness,
doc, exactly what's my problem?" 

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

++++++++++

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam - I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"

The doctor immediately became enraged and stormed over to the door, flinging it open, and yelling at the nurse, "For the last time, I said I wanted a BUTT LIGHT!"

++++++++++

Doctor: "When was the last time you had sex?"

Patient: "1955. With your sister, no less."

Doctor: "My sister? 1955? Really? That was a long time ago! I had no idea."

Patient: "Not really such a long time ago. It's only 2130 now. Anyway who do you think referred me to you?"

+++++++

A man approached his family physician and said, 

"Doc, I'm afraid you'll have to remove my wife's tonsils one of these days." 

The doctor pulled out the family's medical file and exclaimed, 

"Why, I removed them six years ago! Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?" 

"No," the husband retorted, "but you've heard of a man having two wives, haven't you?" 

++++++++++

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

++++++++

"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen
an opthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient, "just spots."

++++++++

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, 'Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.'

'That is very kind of you,' said the doctor emotionally, and then added, 'May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...'

+++++++++++++

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. 

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. 

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." 

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." 

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours eyes will bulge." 

++++++

Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." 

Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?" 

+++++

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc..

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a  prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

***************

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. 

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. 

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." 

+++++++++=

Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She told the Mailman that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen Hundred dollars, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

+++++++

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no
attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an
adjoining room. 

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I
hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." 

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

++++++

It was the night before surgery and Mr. Greenfield had left his dinner untouched. 

"At least eat your dessert," advised his nurse, pointing to the Jello.

Greenfield shook his head. "I don't want to eat anything more nervous than I am."

+++++++++

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

'You know,' said the doctor, 'you really have to learn to trust me.'

***************

Two woman were at the theatre watching a movie about a famous surgeon. One woman leaned over to the other and whispered to her friend: At the prices they charge, it's no wonder they wear masks.

+++

Two asparagus were walking down the street when a car hit one of them. He was taken to the hospital.

When the doctor came out he said to the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is that your friend died. The bad news is that if your friend had lived he would have remained a vegetable for the rest of his life." 

++++++++++++++++++

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first 
old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times 
three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times 
three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 
from Tuesday."

=============

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he 
got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty 
walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak 
it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more 
swollen and more painful. 

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but 
I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." 

He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided. 

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. 

"Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg 
in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got 
better." 

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

<><><><><><><><><><><><

Two brothers went to medical school but one dropped out and went into
law enforcement. The other went on to become a successful gynecologist
and operated a women's clinic.

When the police officer brother was injured on the job and was forced to retire, his more prosperous doctor brother took pity on him. He was set up with a job as a night watchman at the women's clinic.

It really should come as no surprise that he then spent the rest of his
career in relative OB-security.

************ 

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a
doctor.

After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquillizer.

The man asked, "How often do I take these."

"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you."
replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."

********

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. 

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!" 

++++++++

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room.

A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "Noooo....Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."

++++++++

Matt went into Doc Steven's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit
when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked.

"Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."

++++++

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

+++++++++

But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: 

"Dave, You're a vet." 

+++++++++++++++++++

An old geezer visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems normal. Then, the doctor asks him about his sex life. 

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick up and bed three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old." 

"My goodness, Frank, and at your age too," exclaimed the doctor. "I hope you took some precautions." 

"Yep. I may be old, doc, but I ain't senile yet... I gave 'em all a phony name." 

+++++++++++++++=

From time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps use our library. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to everyone they consider 
buying stock in the company. 

It combines the memory enhancing properties of the gingko root plus the, well, "uplifting" ability of Viagra. It's called "Gingko Viagra" and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you're doing. 

++++++++++++++

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem." 

The doctor sends him into his examination room. He examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week. 

"It all cleared up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?" 

The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."

+++++++++++

A famous heart specialist doctor died and it's his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. 

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" 

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. 

"What's so funny about that?" 

"I'm a gynecologist." 

+++++++++++

Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.

The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"

Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."

Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"

The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."

+++++++++++

** A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp 
mmme???" 

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what 
the problem is." 

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" 

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." 

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" 

The docs replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." 

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on!" 

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. Addddeal's a ddddeal!"

++++++++++++++

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." 

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."

"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of real gold."

+++++++++++++++

Doc, I think my son has VD," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up," replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "I think my wife has it too."

"Oh crap!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!

++++++++++++++

Mom took little Bob to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.

Doc. said, "How did such a thing happen?"

Bob said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Linda. Her braces are just too
damned sharp...."

****************

A girl went to the doctor with her knees all cut up.

The doctor said, "What happened to your knees?"

She replied, "It's from making love doggie-style."

The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"

She said, "Yeah...but my doggie doesn't."

***************

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t INSTALL them!"

**************

There were three men who wanted to replace their dicks. The first man walked into the doctor's office and said he hated his dick, and he wanted to replace it with a new one. The doctor said they had three different types...... a rubber dick, a wooden dick, and a 30 foot long one. The man said he wanted the rubber one and left with a smile on his face.

The next day the second man walked into the same office and said he wanted to replace his dick too. The doctor said they only had two more...... a wooden one and a 30 foot long one. The guy said he wanted the wooden one and left feeling satisfied. 

The next day the third man walked in and said he wanted to replace his dick. The doctor said all they had was a 30 foot long dick left. The man agreed to switch and left with pointed pants and women staring.

The next day the first man walked in to complain about his new rubber dick. He said he hated it because it wouldn't get hard. So, the doctor replaced it with his old dick. 

The second man walked in the next day, also complaining about his new dick. "I didn't know wood could rot!" So, once again, the doctor gave him back his original dick. 

Next came the third man, he walks in and sees the doctor scowling. "Let me guess... you want to replace your new dick, too!"

"NO, I want to thank you for replacing my dick, see that woman thirty feet away over there??? BOOM, GOT HER!"

************* 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Bob was seeing his doctor and the doctor said, "I have good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your wife has syphillis."

"Jeez! What could possibly be good news."

"She didn't get it from you."

***************

 Bob goes to his doctor because he has had some problems... errrr performing. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and then brings Bob in to his office to discuss his findings.

"Well Bob," says the doctor, "I have some good news for you. After thoroughly examining you, I can tell you without reservation that you are not impotent."

"Well that's a relief", sighed Bob, "but what is the problem then?"

"Oh," replies the doctor, "the problem is, your penis is so small it just looks soft."

*************

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened.

Whereby the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb, God knows how I m going to get your balls back down".

*******************

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. 

He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " 

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, 

"Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies." 

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" 

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?" 

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . . ."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When Bob showed up for his appointment with the urologist, the doctor
informed him a sperm sample was necessary, and instructed him to go to
Room Four. Dutifully going down the hall, Bob opened the door to Room
Four and found two absolutely gorgeous women clad in scanty lingerie.
They proceeded to arouse him beyond his wildest dreams, and Bob headed
back down the hall with a dreamy smile and a *terrific* sperm sample.

Realizing he had to pee, Bob opened the door to the first bathroom he
came across, only to interrupt a guy frantically beating off with a copy of Hustler. In the second bathroom a fellow was busy masturbating with the company of the Penthouse centerfold. Back in the doctor's office and curious as hell, Bob couldn't resist asking the doctor about the other two fellows.

"Oh, those guys?" replied the doctor dismissively. "Those are my Medicaid patients."

*********

Bob has just married a frivolous blonde that likes to get it on. She
finds out too late that Bob is a slow-coach and after some weeks of few
conjugal bliss she drags him to the doctor and explains the problem. 

The doctor talks to Bob and tells him what's expected from him as a married man. But Bob just doesn't seem to understand. In the end the doctor decides to give him a demonstration with the gorgeous blonde. Afterwards and still gasping for breath he says: "This is what I mean and at least ten times a month".

Bob yawns and says: 'OK as long as I don't have to come along each time."

**********

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room. They
discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base
of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red
ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man,
it's nothing."

Vastly relieved, the second man went into the examining room, only to be
told a few minutes later by the doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an
advanced case of VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first guy... he said it
was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big difference between
gangrene and lipstick."

************* 

A man was in a terrible accident and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery
since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small", $6500 for
"medium", and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before deciding. The man called his
wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" he asked.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"

********* 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

+++++++++

A new young MD doing his residency in o. b. was quite embarrassed.  Performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out
laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"

She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

++++++++++

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do," said the doctor.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the doctor.

The woman obliged.

"Now, turn all the way around... Lie down please... Uh-huh, I see... 

Okay, you can put your clothes back on now."

The doctor took the husband aside and explained, 

"You're in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

++++++++

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very
sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after
arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his
penis, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen
anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return 
in a two days, for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says
Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.

"The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!".

The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis, and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease. 

"The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!".

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate.

Make more money, that way. No need to to opulate!"

“Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeky, penis fall off by self!" 

+++++++

A woman walked into the doctor's but didn't like the way he was looking at her. 

When he told her to undress she asked him to turn out the lights before she disrobed. 

After he turned out the lights she said: "Where will I put my clothes?"

"Hang them up over here," he replied, "next to mine."

<><><><><>

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" 

"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

The doctor warned, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

++++++++

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. 

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too." 

Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor.

"I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."

So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry. 

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"

So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,

"Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the dye from your blue jeans?"

++++++++++

A friend visited his doctor for a check-up after discharge from hospital following a heart attack. 

"Your recovery has been good" said the doctor, "but I want you to continue to rest, follow the diet and not do anything strenuous or exciting for at least another month". 

"What about sex, doctor?" asked my friend. 

"That's OK" said the doctor, "provided that its with your wife because, like I said, I don't want you doing anything strenuous or exciting!"

******************************

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, 

"Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you
make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. 

"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, 

"You helped our friends the Browns, now please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

************

John Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT!?!" he shouts.

With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor's office, straight through the reception. Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving another lady an examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, John charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming  pervert, how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but there has been a misunderstanding. I told your wife she has Acute Angina."

+++++++++++

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

+++++++

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean, and liking the continual good weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day, his legs were sunburned beyond belief, and he could hardly stand for the pain.

He goes along to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looks at his sunburned legs and says, "Well, you realize that this is only a small village, with very limited medical facilities, and in reality, I've really got nothing at all to help you; however, try taking one of these Viagra tablets."

The man says, "But I've got acute sunburn. What's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

The doctor says, "Basically, nothing at all for the sunburn, but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."

+++++

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!" 

The Doctor looked at her and said, "It's against my code of ethics to kiss you." 

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" 

Again he refused, apologetically, and says, "As a doctor, I simply cannot kiss you." 

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" 

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you right now!"

++++++++

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes
back they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." 

She confirms and asks how he knew. 

"Easy, you're always washing your hands." 

"That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist".

"Wow, how did you guess?"

"I didn't feel a thing"

+++++++

A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on."

"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked.

"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."

The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked.

Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."

+++++++

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.

"What seems to be the problem?" the Doctor answered back.

"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"

"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"

"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"

"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"

"I have! I still don't get enough."

"Take another lover."

"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"

"Gosh, that's an anomaly."

"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm just a dirty whore!"

++++++++++++

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her\ husband's sex drive. 

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. 

"Not a chance", says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." 

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." 

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." 

"What happened?" asks the doctor. 

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his morning coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!" 

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"

++++++++

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can 
do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. 

The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository 
inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, 

"DAMN!" 

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he 
had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

++++++++++

A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!' 

The doctor thinks for a while and says to he man, "Put your dick on the table here." 

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway. 

The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it as hard as he can. 

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....!" 

The doctor just says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!" 

+++++++

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. 

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. 

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for 
hours," she replied. 

"Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" 

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often 
found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, 
how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. 

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." 

+++++++

A man returned to his doctor after having a vasectomy for his check up. To complete tests he had to provide sample of his "fluid", if you get what I mean. 

He handed the doctor the jar with the lid on. After a moment the doctor looked up and said that the jar was empty. 

To which the man replied: "Well my wife tried with her right hand and then her left. I tried with my right hand and then my left. My mother in law tried with her teeth in and her teeth out." 

The doctor's jaw dropped. 

The man continued "... but we couldn't get the lid off the jar."

******************************

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. 

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By 
midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many
rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?" 

"I was in bed." 

"What were you doing in bed this late?" 

"Getting a second opinion." 

+++++++++

Jack went to the urologist and said, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting an erection. 
Can you help me?" 

After a complete examination, the doctor told Jack, "Well, your problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really 
nothing I can do for you, unless you are willing to try a radical experimental treatment."

Jack asked sadly, "What's the new treatment?" 

"Well," the Doctor explained, "We take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thought about it silently then said, "Well, the thought of going through life 
without ever having sex again is too much. Lets go for it." 

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given a green light to use his improved 
equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. 

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?" 

Jack replied, with his eyes watering, Well, I guess so. But I don't know if I can fit 
another roll up my arse."

+++++++

A sorority girl went to the doctor for a routine check-up. The doctor asked her to take off her shirt for a breast exam. 

When she did, there was a big letter T across her chest. The doctor exclaimed, 
"What the heck is that?" 

The woman replied, "My boyfriend plays for Tennessee and doesn't like to take his shirt off during sex." 

"Oh, I see," the doctor said. 

The next week another sorority girl came in and had a big P across her chest. The 
doctor said, "What the heck is that?" 

She said, "My boyfriend plays for Pittsburgh and doesn't like to take his shirt 
off during sex." 

"Oh, I see," the doctor said. 

The next day, another sorority girl came in and had a big W across her chest. The 
doctor said, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend plays for Wisconsin, and doesn't like to 
take his shirt off during sex." 

"No," she said, "my girlfriend plays for Michigan!" 

++++++++++++++++++

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: 

"You are not getting older, You are just getting better." 

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." 

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: 

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING 
BETTER AT THE BOTTOM." 

++++++++

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again
indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they
passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, 
could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must 
take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt
lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,

"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

++++++++

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." 

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty 
of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on 
television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a 
week and satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied

+++++++

On a routine visit to the doctor a man remembered that the doctor was working 
on a drug that would make a women crave sex. 

He asked the doctor if he could have a few samples of the drug. The doctor 
argued that he was not working on such a drug. 

The man persisted and the doctor agreed to give him 2 pills of his secret drug. 

At home, the man told his wife to take one of the pills. He then thought he 
would benefit from the drug too, so he took the second pill. 

An hour later, the man was sitting at the dinner table with his wife. 

She uttered, "I sure could use a man". 

The man said, "Me too!" 

+++++++++

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex withhim for the last 7 months. 

The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says,

"So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

+++++++++

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Malice
placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?"
he asked. 

"Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."

Malice then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued,
"you know what I'm doing." 

"Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."

By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his
clothes and began making love to her. "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.

"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."

+++++++++++

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion
and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded
all the way up the driveway (after I'd cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!"

"And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.

"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "No, but the Bible group thought it was pretty neat!"

++++++

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

++++++++