As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

+++++

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

+++++

He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

+++

SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

+++

Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

+++

Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

+++

Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

+++

The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

+++

He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."

+++

It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

+++

The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

+++

He can't stick his head out of Windows 2000.

+++++++

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line. 

"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.

The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."

The dog responds, "Now wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

+++++++

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner
eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled,
wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him
was his dog; an small, feisty Mexican Chihuahua.

He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck
drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog.
He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished
stood down from the counter, paid his bill, and he and his
dog walked out of the diner.

A few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks,
"Does anyone in here own a Doberman?"

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the
little man and says, "Yeah, the Dobie's mine. What about it?"

The little guy replies, "I'm afraid, my dog just killed your
dog."

The truck driver bellows, "How could YOUR dumb excuse for a
dog possibly have killed MY dog?"

The little man responds, "Well, your dog choked on him."

++++++

At the height of the Intafada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

++++++

What is a dog?

- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.

- They growl when they are not happy.

- When you want to play, they want to play.

- When you want to be alone, they want to play.

- They are great at begging.

- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

- They leave their toys everywhere.

- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped
around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly
sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who
was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter
and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its
paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and
the butcher asked, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package
of two pounds ground beef.

He then asked, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
asked, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the
butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the
appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of
meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to
follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then
walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door
to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said
to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is
the second time this week he forgot his key."

~~~~~~~

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish
setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that
was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard.
"That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading
after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool
of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And
just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey.
I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

++++++

A man is away on a business trip for a few days, and when he returns, his wife tells him that the dog really missed him.

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she says.

"What an example of true love," her husband replies.

"I wonder if you would be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answers, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

+++++++

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says,

"I'll get him into the course."

So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

So his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' weasel!"

+++++

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's
office.

"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They
bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging
through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A
few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a
shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever.
"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor,
shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the
market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still
up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one
it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

vvvvv

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from
her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked
why by her former employer, she answered:

"I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the
dishes all the time!"

vvvvvv

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to
see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him
rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.

He said, "Will, what will ? I'm making a list of people I'm
gonna bite."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high
volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right
out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of
tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having
observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and
says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with
a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

===========================================

A man had a hunting dog for sale for an unusual amount of money. Another man interested in buying the dog asked him why he wanted so much. They took the dog to the woods.

The owner told the dog to go hunt. The dog took off into the woods and came back in a couple of minutes and scratched his foot on the ground four times.

The hunters went into the woods and killed four rabbits and could not find anymore.

The owner said you could hunt the woods all day and could not find any more than four rabbits.

The buyer was impressed and bought the dog. The new owner took the dog hunting the next weekend and told the dog to go find the rabbits. The dog took off into the woods and stayed gone for almost thirty minutes. When the dog returned he was hunching on his leg and scratching the ground and shacking a stick in his mouth.

The guy thought the dog went crazy and shot him.

About two weeks later he seen the previous owner and told him what happened.

The owner told him he was trying to tell you there was more rabbits in the woods than you could shake a stick at.

============================================================================

Two old men were sitting on a park bench, when a stray dog sat
down in front of them and proceeded to lick himself.
"I wish I could do that," said the first man.

The second man answered, "Go ahead, but I think you'd better
pet him first."

------------------------------------------------------------

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre, who has a
dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I
couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the
movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in
his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed
like crazy at the funny parts. Don't find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated
the book!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three oil company executives and one city employee were discussing the mentality of their dogs.

The man with Exxon called his dog sliderule, and told sliderule go get one dozen cookies, bring them back, and place them in three equal stacks which sliderule proceeded to do.

The man with Texaco called his dog tri-square, and told tri-square to take the chalk and draw a circle, a square, and a triangle on the board, which he proceeded to do.

The man with Conoco called his dog Computer, and told him to go get 10 ounces of milk, and to pour 6 ounces into a bowl, which computer proceeded to do.

They then asked the city employee what his dog could do. The city man said his dog was named coffee break, and told him to show the men what he could do. Coffee Break ran over ate the cookies, drank the milk, pissed on the blackboard, screwed the other dogs, claimed he hurt his back, put in for sick leave, and applied for workman's compensation.

================================================

A man is walking through his neighborhood when he sees a very strange sight. Going down the road was a huge funeral procession. There were two hearses followed by a man and a pit bull, and then hundreds of male mourners.

The guy's curiosity gets the best of him, and he approaches the procession to find out what's going on. He walks up to the man with the dog and asks what's going on.'

"In the first hearse is my wife."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Who's in the second hearse?"

"That would be my mother in law."

"I'm sorry, but what happened?"

"I was watching the hockey game and my wife tried to change the channel so this dog attacked her and killed her. Then my mother in law tried to stop the dog and it killed her too."

"That's incredible. Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the line."

****************

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make.

The doctor said, "Stethoscope, go!"

The doctor's dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then.

But, they decided to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, "Slide-rule, go!"

The engineer's dog built a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said. "Loop-hole, go!"

The lawyer's dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

=========

down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

++++++++

How dogs and men are the same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Neither understands what you see in cats.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both break wind shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

How dogs are better than men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

+++++++++++++

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, 

"For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

=====================================================

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals."

In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright.

He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway."

"But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?"

"Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."

+++++++++++

http://www.flixxy.com/dog-loves-cat.htm

A lady buys a Great Dane, Every time she comes home, the dog starts humping her leg. So she goes to the Vet.

Dr., I come home from work, the dog humps my leg, I get out of the shower the dog humps my leg. What can we do?

Well says the Doc, there is not much we can do short of castration.

Castration! I was hoping you could clip his nails and do something about his breath.

+++++++++++

Betty is hired to play her trumpet on the score of a movie, and she's excited. She's especially thrilled because she got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Betty can't wait to see the finished product. She asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Betty where she can go to see it.

A month later, Betty , with her collar up and wearing dark sunglasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. She walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Betty turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Betty and whispered back, "That's okay, we're here to see our dog."

***************************************

A woman took her dog to the vet because he snores loud enough to wake the dead. The vet told her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and that would stop the snoring.

The woman left, shaking her head in disbelief. But later that evening, after going to bed the dog was snoring as usual, so the woman gets a ribbon from the closet and ties it around the dog's testicles. Sure enough the dog stops snoring and the woman is absolutely amazed!

Later that night, her husband comes home, stinking drunk from being out with his buddies. He flops into bed, immediately falls asleep and begins snoring loud enough to wake the dead. She begins to wonder if the ribbon idea will work on him as well as it did the dog and decides it's worth a try. So she goes to closet gets another piece of ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. And it works on him too.

The next morning her husband wakes up very hung over, stumbles into the bathroom. As he's standing there in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon tied around his privates. Confused he stumbles back into the bedroom and notices a red ribbon tied to the dog's testicles.

Totally dumbfounded now, he shakes his head, gives the dog a pat and says, "Rex, I don't remember where we were, or what we did last night, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

++++++++++++++++

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat "What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? " I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dads said, "Bring Susie over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute; she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.

+++++++++++++

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".

I call mine "Sex".

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old."

He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!"

I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. 

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. 

He told me I should have sold tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V."

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too."

Then I told him after I was married, Sex left me.

He said "Me too." 

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him around the town.

A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!