Family Humor

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

++++  

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog
crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is
able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog
and carries him to the side of the road.

The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will
grant him a wish.

The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can
barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks
it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks
that the man will tell him another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty
contest in the area.”

The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car. Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and
says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

--------------

Murphy's Laws for Parents

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leak proof thermoses -- will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side
down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that
needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than
other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next
ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of
the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

+++++++

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall,
when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. 'This
year,' she says, 'I think that I will buy my own present
instead of making you and dad shop for me.'

'But mom,' says the daughter, 'some poor, helpless
creature has to suffer so that you can have this coat.
Don't you think that's kind of cruel?'

'Don't worry honey,' says the mother, 'your father won't
get the bill for a couple of weeks.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity,
but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads:

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance
she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes
of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly
to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past
year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word
increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

++++++++++

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

++++++++

A young girl asks her mother, 'Mommy, why is my name Petal?'

Her mother smiles and replies, 'Darling, when you were born, a petal fell on your head.'

'Oh,' she replies.

One of her sons then asks her, 'Mom, why am I called Leaf?'

She answers, 'Honey, when you were born, a little leaf fell on your head.'

'Oh,' he says.

Running in from the kitchen the woman's other son goes up to her and asks, 'onganunganoogagaga?' with an obvious mental problem.

She turns to him and says, 'Listen Fridge!' How many times must I tell you what fell on you when you were born?!'

++++++++++

“Mom, mom, can I use miniskirts?”

“No, I told you already, no!”

“But , mom, I am of legal age, 21.”

“Ok, do whatever you want, Johnny!”

++++++

“Mom, can an 8 year old girl get pregnant?” asks little Susie.

“No, sweetie, why?” her mom responds.

“Yes, I knew it!!”

++++++++

“Grandma, close your eyes”, said Johnny.

“Why would you want me to close my eyes?”, asks Grandma.

“Because Daddy says that when you finally close your
eyes, we’ll be millionaires!”

++++++++

“Daddy what is telepathy?” asked little Mary.

“That is when two people are thinking the same thing
at the same time.” said Daddy.

“Like you and Mommy?”

“No, sweetie. That is called coincidence.”

+++++++

“Aunt Bertha, why do you use makeup?” asked Johnny.

“To look pretty, my dear.” said Aunt Bertha.

“Does the makeup take a long time to be effective?”

++++++

My neighbor was telling me about her toddler Allison:

I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old checkup. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly.

And then the doctor said, 'Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?'

So Allison walked over and stood on his foot!

***********

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I
were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?"

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

************

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But
one looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His
friend asked, "What had the world done to you, my old
friend?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago,
an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew
kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free
and clear."

"Sounds like you should be grateful..."

"You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my
great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a
million."

Now he was really confused. "Then, how come you look
so glum?"

"This week... nothing!"

~~~~~~~~~

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

+++++++

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, stuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.

When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

*************

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first.

Little Johnny obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his
grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked
everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.

Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't' know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'sugar'. We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name."

"We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued,
"because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

"Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

"He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'A BITCH'!"

************

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

********

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a
sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a
frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak,
we're going to Florida!"

*************

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about
that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have
the old goat for dinner today as any other day'"

**********

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

++++++++

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My
mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the
refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a
risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but
scantily-clad young woman. "Mom, what's this?" I asked.

"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,"
she answered.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but
your dad has gained 20!"

++++++

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her
grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late,
there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a
peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos
surrounding us when I drive her to various activities
during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said,
"I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"

+++++++

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

*************

Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and
he was right about that too."

Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1: "A judge told him."

+++++++

One day little billy's father comes in and asks "Little Billy, did you push the outhouse down the hill?"

"No." replies little Billy.

So his father asks one more time, "Little Billy did you push the outhouse down the hill?"

"No." replied little Billy again.

So little Billy's father told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree. When George Washington's dad asked who chopped down the cherry tree George Washington said "Father, I can't tell a lie i chopped down the cherry tree" and George Washington did not get a spanking.

So little Billy's dad asked once more "Little Billy, did you push the outhouse down the hill?"

Little Billy replied "Father I cannot tell a lie, I pushed the outhouse down the hill."

So little Billy's father gave him the spanking of his life.

"But George Washington didn't get a spanking," complained little Billy.

His father responded, "George Washington's father was not in the tree when he chopped it down."

+++++++

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

+++++++++

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her husband was
surprised when his wife suggested that they buy him a bike for
his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

++++

The proud father is taking his son for a drive in the countryside, but
he's driving 60 m.p.h. in a 20 m.p.h. zone. The son looked at the
speedometer and said, "Dad, you are a real lion!"

The proud dad took the compliment and played the part of a hero to his son by stepping even more on the gas pedal. This time, he is
traveling at 80 m.p.h. in a 20 m.p.h. zone. The son looked at the
speedometer and said, "Dad, you are a perfect lion!"

The dad smiled proudly. Just then, they drove past a farm with a
jackass. The son said, pointing to the jackass, "Dad look! A lion"!

++++++++

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

++++++

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

++++++++++

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

vvvvvvvvv

A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a
question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his
ear. He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper,
so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with
her date. They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get
the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the
father's nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows and
the peanut flies out of his ear.

The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's
date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something
to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he
smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

The father says, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our
son-in-law."

++++++

A husband had been away for a few months and had
a romantic evening planned for him and his wife. He
sent the two older kids to the movies but could not
persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he
makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on
the curb in front of their house, the father will give
the boy $5 for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the
house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts
"Dad, are you sure you can afford that ? You'd better
come outside, there's a Shriner convention in town
and they are all marching up our street. Looks like
about 650 of them."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So, one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

+++++++++++++

For the second time in a row, Sharon was forced to impose on the woman with whom she carpooled to both their children's soccer practices. Sharon phoned and explained that her husband had the car again, so she wouldn't be able to take her turn. A few minutes before the woman was due to pick up Sharon's son, Sharon's husband showed up. Since it was too late for Sharon to call and say she could drive after all, She asked her husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. She also explained to her son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, Sharon's husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when the Sharon's carpool partner arrived. When Sharon's son returned from practice, Sharon asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

++++++++

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when as other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

+++++++++

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

++++++++

About a year ago a woman who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Billy. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Billy asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

+++++++++

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was *not* mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

++++++++++=

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old
daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest
of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,
asterisk!"

+++++++++++++++=

A couple had been married for 45 years and had
raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with
22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying
together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years
ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to
pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

++++++++++

One day at the family reunion my grandparents were reminiscing.
My grandfather remarked, "I wonder what ever happened to the
old-fashioned girls who fainted when a man kissed them."

Grandmother gave him a withering look, "What I'd like to know
is what happened to the old-fashioned men who could make them
faint!"

++++++++++++++++

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive,
bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping
the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding
photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional,
the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so" she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

++++++++++++

A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country.
When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.

"Hugh," he replied, "have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van
with those you thought you loved?"

+++++++++++

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the
car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off,
the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which
caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure
and turning it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are
you talking to me?

+++++++++

I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby
pay phone. "I know it's something you want,"
he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are
a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing.
As long as you're living in my house, I think you
should respect my wishes."

I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly
firmness.

Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Ma,
you're 75 years old! You don't NEED a tattoo!"

+++++++

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should
have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks
back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison,
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."

vvvvvvvvvvv

 During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents,
young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure,
money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at
home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose
and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try
and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father.
"I'm going with you."

++++++++

A frantic mother called her pediatrician at two in the
morning.

"Doctor," she yelled, "My baby just ate an entire tube of
K-Y jelly! What do I do?"

"Well," came the response, "if you really can't wait, call
an all-night drugstore."

+++++++++

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

............

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son
out of bed in the morning.

"I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He
sleeps with his dog."

++++

You know you have been a parent a LONG time when......

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You hide in the bathroom just to get some alone-time.

Your child spits up and you go right on eating.

You consider finger-paint to be a controlled substance.

You've mastered the art of placing large amounts of scrambled eggs and pancakes on the same plate without anything "touching".

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**

I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them
into the hamper.

He looked puzzled, and I explained, "You know; it's the place
where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed."

My son picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and
threw his clothes on the floor...on his dad's side of the bed.

++++++

One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was to be the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring the neighbor along to the picnic.

"Sure, the more the merrier!" replied Johnny's dad.

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it was discovered that he was a police officer. The father turned as innocently as he could to Johnny, and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day.

The visitors had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them that the gas grill was all set to use out back and to "just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed."

The company headed out to the backyard, as Johnny came back in through the front door. The father hurried to Johnny and said "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

+++++++

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever
possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she
washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to
my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer
because I washed this dress by hand."

"Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!"

+++++

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out, and in and out, and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

******

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

"Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked.

"Yeah, my mom has one," the other replied.

"What's it for?"

"I don't know," the second boy answered.

"But every time she stands on it she gets really pissed."

******

"I'm looking for a present for my rich old aunt," a man said to a shop
keeper "but i have no idea what to get her. Have you got any
suggestions??"

The shop keeper thought for a minute or two, then replied "How about some floor wax??"

*********

If You Love It

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT. . ..
. . . .If it just sits in your living room,
. . . .Messes up your stuff,
. . . .Eats your food,
. . . .Uses your telephone,
. . . .Takes your money,
. . . .And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.
. . . .Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!

+++++++++++

"I really don't know how the quarrel started," my Dad was telling me.
"When I walked into the kitchen, your Mom was trying to hammer a nail using the back of a scrub brush, and all I said was, 'Darling, you
really must get something harder. Why don't you use your head?'"

+++++++

Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs.
Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my
business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your
daughter is doing?"

"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"

Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"

Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said
smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."

***********

Some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first...

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long
as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.

The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice
pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your
great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes,
and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you
remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-
coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's
little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are
clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a
sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you
remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be
sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting
the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding
from the children.

+++++++++++++++++++++

"Pardon me, sir. Do you have the time?" Montgomery asked.

The elderly gentleman removed the watch from his vest
pocked, studied it, and then put it back without telling the
young man the time.

"I say, old chap, do you have the time you know?"
Montgomery repeated, in his best British accent.

Once more, the elderly gentleman repeated the process
of looking at his watch and putting it back into his
pocket without telling him the time.

"Why do you do that?"

"It's like this," the elderly gent explained.
"If I told you the time, you'd start asking me
where I come from. Then you'd visit me. Meet my
beautiful daughter. Fall in love with her and she'd
fall in love with you. Then you'd ask for her hand in
marriage and I couldn't refuse.

And I'll be darned if I want a son-in-law who can't
afford a watch

+++++++++

"How could you have a son that age?"

"I didn't. When I had him, he was just a baby.

++++++++

The Wall Street man was standing at the curb when a
friend from his old home town, whom he hadn't seen
in years, approached. They embraced, but the friend
seemed mighty serious.

"I'm awful sorry to tell you this," said the visitor,
"but your old and dear Aunt Cecily is in jail."

"Glad you told me," said the broker.
"It's good to know she's provided for."

++++++++++

Every father was a kid once...

and every mother is trying to make the neighbors
believe she is still one.

+++++++++

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a
terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them,
but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought
to himself,
"She'll never go through with the marriage with
me carrying on like this"

so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work,
his car broke down and since they lived in the
country, he telephoned his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought
he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings
of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time
he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met
him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair
at the head of the table and made him promise
not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel
another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about
to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned
and went to answer the phone. While she was gone,
he seized the opportunity.

He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.

It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just
started to feel better when another urge came on.
He raised his leg andrriiipppp!

It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled
worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried
fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled and a minute later the flowers
on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation
in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying
blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10
minutes, farting and then fanning each time with
his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the
end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid
his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so
long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed
the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise
birthday party.

-------------

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement,
he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture
he wanted us to have. One item was a beautiful, but very
heavy antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us
wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but
finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in
our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son
sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And one of these
days, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You
mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and
as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his
mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests
from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to
the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of
apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a
guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie
and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no
use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

~~~~~~~~~~~

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug
and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma! Now maybe
daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my
dear," she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that
he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

---------------

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,

"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?" He asked.

"You know it always gives you a headache the
next morning."

========

A census taker walked up to a woman was sitting on a porch.
After introducing himself, he said, "How many children do
you have?"

The woman answered, "Four."

The census taker asked, "May I have their names, please?"

The woman replied, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Confused, the census taker said, "May I ask why you named
your fourth child 'George'?"

"Surely, because we didn't want any Moe."

+++++++

One summer evening during a violent
thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
small boy into bed. She was about to
turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by
his shaking little voice:
"The big sissy."

*********

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
the small boy called for his father, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later, the small boy called again, "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a glass of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'm gonna spank you!"

Five minutes later, the small boy called again, "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a
glass of water?

********

A young boy went up to his father and asked,
"what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father pondered for a while, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me
what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied
"Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said.
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied.
"Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass
up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went
back to his dad. His father asked him,
"Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied,
"Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but
realistically we're living with two sluts."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

*************

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something
to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely
telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you
ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that
after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're
my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to
get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't
told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over
it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have
an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight
down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Yom Kippur. I'll hold
off seeing the lawyer until after then. Call your sister in MA
and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it
anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who
tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and
that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day
after tomorrow.

"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the
telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until
we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris
turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we
are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here
for Passover!"

+++++++

Cannibal father and son were out looking for food one day. They
were hiding in the woods watching for people to walk by. First,
a really skinny man walked by and so the son asked,

"How about him Pa?"

"No boy, he's too skinny." said Pa.

Then a Really fat woman walked by

The son asked, "How about her Pa?"

"No boy, She's too fatty." said Pa.

Then a really good looking young girl walked by
and the son asked "How about her Pa?"

"Yep, we'll take her home and eat yer mother."

^^^^^^^^^^^^

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed
hat all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to
come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling
me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Warning, the remaining Family Humor on this page is R-Rated.  Do not continue reading them if you think that you might be offended in any way.  You have been warned!

 Begin R-rated Family Humor.....

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any
help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.

++++++++++++

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's
pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered
up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.

++++++++++++++++

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living
at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening,
so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since
we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to
get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights
suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
"SURPRISE!"

My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins
and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend
and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party again.

+++++++++++=

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,

"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

+++++

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In
walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!"

With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do last night?"

Little Johnny answers, "Hey dad, I got laid last night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met
grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up."

The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!"

Little Johnny said, "Why not dad? You screw mine!"

*****

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her own pay envelope.

"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.

"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next
week, too?"

"I will if we ever get the fucking bricks," answered the little girl.

*************

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?

Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that must be plucked very gently."

Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"

Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

**********

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One
day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a
hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along
the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her
granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back and suck them dry."

++++++++++++

TRUE FACT: Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE: Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION: Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your
father had a big dick.

+++++++++

Little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears
a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally
one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every
night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look
in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....
well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and
that makes him thin again."

Little Johnny says, "Well, that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because the lady next door comes
by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

~~~~~

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers
"God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy.
Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or two later the father heard his son saying
his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy.
Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was
getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons
prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't
say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he
would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and
dinner. Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!

When he got home he appologized to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE
HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

++++++++++++

Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his
mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed the little boy.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma,"
said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake."

++++++++++

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't
know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by
his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
"Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."

The father promptly hands him $40 and says,
"Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says,
"Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

+++++++++++++

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

+++++++

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making
a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the
next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're
finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a
piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours
playing first!"

+++++++++++

A small and exceptionally homely man was just about to start putting
on his underwear when his daughter opened the door and entered the room.

"Mommy!" she cried, pointing to her father's extremely huge penis.
"What's that???"

"Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your Daddy's secret
attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here." She sighs.
"Come to think of it, neither would I."

++++++

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new
method with 6 steps
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button.

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6
and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast, "3-5,
3-5, 3-5...ohhh, ahh, 3-5, yeah, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5!"

***********

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The
father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the
water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

***************

Little Johnny and his dad came across his puppy, dead in the back yard. Daddy explained that Tiddles had gone to heaven.

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked
Johnny as he fought back tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are
pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to
heaven".

Little Johnny seemed to take Tiddles' death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said, "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus! I'm coming, I'm coming!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

*************

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big
toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little
penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little
Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

*********

My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town.
There was a local there who gave carriage ride to sightseers.

He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting
with my husband and my four-year-old daughter. Now, this horse had an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, looking at him, she
yelled out, "Daddy! That horse has a penis--like you!"

I was mortified, but my husband, of course, just looked around at
everyone and said, "That's my girl!"

*************

Bob, his wife Mary and their son walk into an ice-cream shop. Bob says I'll have a chocolate, Mary says I'll have a vanilla.

Then Bob slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you
want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head
and call him fat head?"

Bob says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The 1st thing is
a nice Corvette. And you see that nice blue 'vette sitting outside
that's my nice Corvette. The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house.

The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy and I had that
until fat head came along."

**************

On another day, Little Johnny and his father were walking down the
street when two ladies bumped into one another in front of them. The one lady looked at the other and slapped her across the face. "You bitch," yelled the one lady. Stunned, the lady that was slapped yelled out, "You bag."

Little Johnny never heard those words before, and turned to his dad.
"Dad, what are bags and bitches?"

"Oh, that's just another name for women," replied his dad.

"Oh, okay," said Little Johnny.

The two make it home and Little Johnny follows his dad up to the
washroom to watch his daddy shave. While shaving, Little Johnny's dad cuts himself. "Fuck," he said.

"Daddy, what's fuck?" asked Little Johnny.

"Oh, that's just another name for shaving your self," replied his
father.

Bored, Little Johnny wanders downstairs to find his mother cooking a
turkey. As his mother reached into the oven, she burnt her hand. "Oh
Shit!" she yells.

"Mom, what's shit?" questioned Johnny.

"That's just another word for cooking the turkey."

"Oh, I get it," said Johnny.

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" yells Johnny as he
runs to the door. He then opened the door to find a group of old ladies standing outside.

"Hello young man. Are you parents home?" asked the front lady.

"Hello bags and bitches. My dad's upstairs fucking himself and my mom's downstairs shitting on the turkey."

++++++++

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference
between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me." He
took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was
sleeping nude.

"Son," he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up."

+++++++

Once, there was a middle-aged man who had four daughters. After
coming home from a stressful day at work, he sat down to watch a
baseball game. He is then interrupted by a knock at the door. There
stands a young man. The father then asks, "May I help you?"

The boy says, "Hi. My name is Jim, I'm here to see Kim. We're going
for a swim - can I come in?"

The father, amused, lets the boy in and calls his daughter, and the
couple head out.

He once again sits down to watch T.V. Startled by the doorbell, he
gets up to answer the door. Once again, there stands a young man. He
says, "Hi, my name's Eddie, I'm here to see Betty. We're going to eat
spaghetti - is she ready?"

The father, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and proceeds to call his
daughter, and the couple leaves.

The man sits down once again. As luck would have it, he was
interrupted from his baseball game again. He answers the door and
sees yet another young man standing there. The boy says, "Hi my
name's Joe. I'm here to see Flo - we're going to the show. Can she
go?"

The man, now slightly annoyed, calls his daughter down, and the two
leave.

Expecting to sit down to a quiet game of baseball, the father starts
to relax just as the doorbell rang yet AGAIN! What he sees does not
shock him. Another young man is standing there. "May I help you?"
asks the father.

"Hi! My name's Chuck."

The father shot him.

++++++++

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival.

She said, "Yes."

At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag
of M&M's for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's.

She said, "Yes but, don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner."

She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head
back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M's. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand.

Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.

Upon the 5th request his Mom asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Johnny replies, "I'm playing truck driver."

She says, "Truck driver? Can you explain?"

Johnny says, "Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!"

+++++++++

Ten year old Hawk rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen She says, "Put that away Hawk. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Hawk whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Hawk says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Hawk, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Hawk says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

+++++++++

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday
morning he would take his 7 year old daughter out for a drive
in the car.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold that he
really didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife
came to the rescue and decided that for this Sunday she
would take their daughter out. They returned just before
lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to see her father.

"Well," the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"

"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We
didn't see a single bastard or prick!"

+++++++

Once upon a time, there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Anele. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable 'leng chais'. They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As "concerned parents', Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them, "Your father & I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... use a code-name to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for Standard Chartered advertisement.

"Ah! here it is!!!!" exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard
Chartered was "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY". Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The
content was simple. "NESCAFE". So, again they took the neswpaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. 'NESCAFE: GOOD TILL THE LAST DROP'. Mr. & Mrs. Ng jumped in joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no letter from Anele. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came.

It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "CATHAY PACIFIC".

Mr. Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically. "Aah! here it is!!!" Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud.

Before she could finish it....THUMP!!!!!!...she fell off her chair.

The ad read..... 7 DAYS A WEEK. 3 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP"

**********

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked
his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied,
"they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and
went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and
asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied;
"they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch
and went out to play.

Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he
asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?"
and his grandmother replied; "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother said;
"Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
laugh! what is going on here?"

The little boy replied, "Well last night daddy came into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

=================

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