Farmers and Farm Humor

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting
with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

Like many, his family was fond of the leg portion for
dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating
the results of his efforts to his friends at the general
store get together. . .

"Well I finally did it! I bred me a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't rightly
know," said the farmer. "Never could catch the critter!"

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An
electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating
that the electric company would like to run a power line
through his pasture. The Amish man said, "No."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the
field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull
into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the
Amish man hollered,

"Show HIM your paper!"

++++++++++

Q: What did the farmer count his cows with?

A: A cowculator

+++++++++++++++

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas late one night and are forced to stop at a farm house to ask to spend the night. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm a humble man, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "Sorry to trouble you, but there's a cow in the barn and it's against my beliefs to sleep in the same building with a cow."

So the rabbi says, "I'm also a humble man, so I'll sleep in the barn."

A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says hat it is against his beliefs to sleep where there's a pig.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.

A few minutes later, there's a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.

+++++++++++

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" 

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. 

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.

The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" 

The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A farmer took his wife and young son into to the big city shopping one Saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky scrapers.

The farmer never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing.

They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask his father what it was for, the farmer not knowing decided to get closer for better observation.

A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and the farmer and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits.

Astonished, the farmer looks at his son while scratching his head, and say's

" son, I don't know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother.

++++++++++++++++++

There was this farmer from Minnesota, and he is going to Iowa to buy a cow on a sale. He gets to Iowa and buys the nicest looking cow there, takes it home, and milks it.

He grabs ahold of the teats and the cow farts.

The farmer thinks to himself oh what the, and he grabs ahold again, and the cow farts again.

At this time the farmers neighbor walks in and asks if he can milk it?

The farmer replies with a yes, and the neighbor grabs ahold, and the cow farts again.

The neighbor looked at the farmer, and asked him if he had bought the cow in Iowa?

The farmer said yeah, but I never told you that.

The neighbor said you did not have to cause my wife is from Iowa.

After a bumper cotton crop that brought in a lot of money, a Louisiana farmer decided to take a trip to Texas to celebrate.

Getting off the bus in Fort Worth, he asked a passing man to recommend a good place to eat and was pointed to a local men's club.

Reaching the club, the farmer was unaware that the building also contained a swimming pool, work-out room, and sports facilities.

He went straight to the restaurant and ordered a soda and a steak. When the waitress brought back a mug of soda that was 12 inches around and a foot tall, the farmer told her, "I just wanted a soda, not the whole soda factory!"

"Mister," she replied, "this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas."

Soon she came back with a steak that was so big it hung off the edges of a huge platter.

"Gosh darnit, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" the farmer complained.

"Well like I told you before, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas." She said.

The farmer finally finished the huge meal and asked for directions to the restroom.

The waitress told him to go down the hall and take the third door on the left.

He walked down the hall, but absentmindedly turned into the third door on the right. Two steps through that door, and he fell into the swimming pool.

"Help! Help!" he screamed. "Don't flush it!"

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There was a farmer who had many pigs. One someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:

"What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.

The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking to him about his farm.

The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed.

"We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie.

The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle.

"Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan bragged.

The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field.

"What the heck are those?" he asks.

The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and then I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

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There was a blonde and a brunette who inherited their father's farm after he passed away. The farm was beautiful with rolling hills and plenty of animals.

After about a year, the animals started to die. The farm was falling apart. They counted their money and found that the only had 600 dollars. So they put their heads together.

"I've got it!" said the brunette "I'll go find a bull. Our farm will be back to normal in no time."

"How will we do that?" asked the blonde.

"I'll go find a bull and when I do I'll call you. You hook up the trailer to the truck and come get the bull."

So they agreed on the plan. A couple weeks later the brunette left on her journey to find the bull. She looked high and low for a bull, but there were no bulls that fit her expectations.

Finally she found a bull she wanted. "How much?" she asked the farmer.

"Well, I don't think I could take a penny less than 599 dollars" said the farmer.

"Great! I'll still have one dollar left. I'll take him!"

The brunette was so excited that she grabbed the bull and started heading into town.

"How are you going to get the bull home without a trailer?"

"Well," said the brunette, "I'm going to call my sister and tell her to hitch the trailer up to the truck and come get us."

"Long distance charges are five to six dollars."

"Well, then I'll send a telegram".

The brunette walked into town to the post office to send her telegram.

"I need to send a telegram. I need it to say that I found a bull and I need my sister to hitch up the trailer to the truck and come get us. Here are the directions."

She handed the postman the directions.

"How much will that be?"

"It's 99 cents per word" said the postman.

The brunette was so mad. How was she supposed to get home if she couldn't get her sister to come? She slammed her  head down on the table.

She had to think of one word that would tell her sister to come get her. A few seconds later she put her head up and said,

"Comfortable."

Excuse me, but how will the word comfortable tell your sister to come get you and the bull?" asked the postman.

"My sister is a blonde she'll read it slowly."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of wheat on
the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey,
Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come
and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad
would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

vvvvvvvvvv

A traveling salesman was passing through and old farming
town when he decided he needed to get some sleep. He
stopped by an old farmer's house to see if he could get a room
for the night.

The farmer agreed to let the stranger stay at his house but
warned him to stay away from his young daughter. The
salesman agreed.

To make sure the salesman kept his word, the farmer
discreetly placed three fresh eggs above his daughters door. If
the eggs fell and broke, then the farmer would know of the
salesman hanky-panky with his young innocent daughter.

Temptation got the best of the salesman and he snuck into
the young girl's room and did his deed. And of course, broke
all the eggs. He and the young girl spent the rest of the night
gluing the egg shells back together and placed them back
upon the top of the door.

The farmer got up the next morning and checked his
daughter's room. All three eggs appeared to be in place.

He felt good about his daughter and the salesman and decided
to fix them breakfast with the eggs he had used.

He cracked the first one. Nothing inside. Same with the
second and third eggs. Nothing inside. The farmer thought to
himself, "I am no dummy! No one can fool me!" and stormed
out the door in sheer anger. He stood on his porch and
hollered "Okay, I want to know the truth...Which one of you
roosters is wearing a condom!?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court.

The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked,

"Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt.

So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"

++++++

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: 

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says,

"OK, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens.... look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you,"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start? 

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken o cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says "Son of a bitch...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

++++

(When you re-tell this joke, you'll have to replace Kentucky and Tennessee with the names of states in your area.)

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.

One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.

"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.

"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."

 

Two men were talking one day.

"My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man.

"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.

"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The gardener said 'No, you'll have to do that yourself."

=========

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken
farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked
around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best
rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer
went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner
confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an
expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to
invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself.

The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace.

The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals.

The farmer was outraged.

"Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." Slow down, I need you for a long time."

Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying.

He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."

<><><><><>

A city slicker stopped his large, expensive car on a country road and looked about in confusion. He noticed a young farmhand leaning on a fence and called to him, "Hey, you know how far it is to Shrewsbury?"

The farm hand thought about it and said, "Don't know."

"Well then, do you know the best way to get there?"

Again, the farm hand thought a bit and said, "Don't know."

"Look, can you just tell me where the nearest gas station is so I can pick up a map?"

"'Fraid I don't know that either."

Frustrated, the man in the car snapped, "You don't know much do you?"

To which the farm hand replied, "I'm not lost."

A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one
morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the
farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the
next county.

"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."

Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded
between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14
years we've been out together."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A young man visiting a farm wanted to be macho,
so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor
tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big
bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em
right over there."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Consider two country boys, brothers, who are knocking around one lazy summer day and think it will be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They creep up on it like a couple of commandos, push the outhouse over on one side and run for the woods, laughing hysterically. Then they circle 'round and return home an hour later from a completely different direction.

Their father isn't fooled, however, and with a switch in his hand he bellows at them, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

"Yes, Father," the older boy says, "we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At that, the farmer proceeds to flail the two boys and sends them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the brothers meekly approach the breakfast table and take their seats. Everything is quiet until their father says, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad," says the big brother. "But in school we learned that George Washington admitted to his father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah, yes," said the farmer. "But George's dad wasn't IN the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

++++++++++

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,

"We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

++++++++++

A few years ago a group of tree-huggers was presenting an alternative to the ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, then castrate the males, then let them loose again, and then the population would be controlled.

I, kid you not, this was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said:

"Son, I don' think you understand the problem. These coyotes ain't screwing' our sheep, they're eating them!!"

+++++++++

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new express-way bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day.

So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster."

So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, everyday for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week.

Finally, the telephone calls stop and the sheriff becomes very curious. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a bundle of wire.

"Hey Kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any old wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the farmer.

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road.

He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

The next day the kid comes by carrying some duck tape.

The farmer says "Hey Kid, where ya goin' with that tape?"

He replies, "It's not just any old tape it's Duck Tape, and I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

"You can't catch ducks with Duck Tape!" The farmer says.

"Sure I can!"

So he takes off down the road. A few hours later he comes back with a string of ducks.

The next day he comes by carrying a stick.

The farmer says, "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

He replies, "It's not just a stick. It's a pussywillow."

The Farmer says, "I'll get my hat!"

+++++++++++++++++=

One day a farmer was milking his cow. To his surprise, a fly came out. Naturally, the farmer did some investigating, and what happened was that the fly went in one ear and out the udder.

+++++++++++++++=

A farmer was hauling manure, and he happened by a senior citizen's home. One of the elderly residents on the porch hollered, "Sonny, what are you going to do with that manure?"

The farmer replied, I'm going to put it on my strawberries."

The old man said, "Well, Sonny, then you should eat here. Around here, we put whipped cream on our strawberries!"

++++++++++++++++++++

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms
with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

+++++++++++++

A man was driving down the road behind a farmer's truck. Suddenly, a little pig fell out of the back of the truck. The man thought the farmer would want his pig back, so he pulled his car over and tried to catch the pig.

After a long chase, the man caught the pig and put him in the back of his car. By now the farmer's truck was way ahead of him, so he had to drive really fast to catch up. The man was pulled over by a cop, who said "Sir, you were going 90 M.P.H. in a 55 M.P.H. zone."

The man told the cop the story about the pig and the cop said, "Well, you aren't going to catch the farmer now, but I won't give you a ticket if you take the pig to the zoo."

The man said O.K. and left.

The next day, the same man came down the same highway and was pulled over by the same cop. The cop wasn't too happy. He walked up to the car and he saw the little pig in the back seat wearing a bathing suit. The cop asked what was going on, and the man said,

"Well, since we had so much fun at the zoo, today we're going to the beach!"

+++++

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said – "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

++++++++++

As Joe was driving, he passed his friend's farm. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a pig with one wooden leg. This got the best of him, for he was raised on a farm all his life, and he had never seen a sight like this.

He drove on up and spotted his friend working on his tractor. He stopped and asked him about what he had just seen.

His friend said, "Let me tell you a little story about that pig. 

One night, during a very bad lighting storm, my house caught on fire. That pig pulled my wife and me out of the fire, saving our lives!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg?"

The farmer said, "Let me tell you another little story about that pig. One day, I was plowing on this very tractor, and I hit a rut. I tipped the tractor and I was trapped under it. That pig dug me out and saved my life!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg???"

The farmer said, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

++++++++++=

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The auctioneer announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband. "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

+++++++++++++++=

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help.

Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says,

"HORSE for sale."

+++++++++++++++++

Return to Joke/Humor Index

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is new information to me, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I played with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

++++++++++=

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for
his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up
a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer
to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases
home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in
the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady. She told him
she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get
to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to
visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time
to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we
get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull down my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down,
put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of
the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"

vvvvvvvvvvv

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out the window at the pigs. Since they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends ALL day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls into bed completely exhausted.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the goddamn pigs are laying in the mud.

"Nooooo..." she says, "they're all in the truck...and one of them is honking the horn!"

+++++++++++

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the big question to Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back.

"It is YOUR cow."

+++++++++

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep.

He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? 

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered. 

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour  before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. 

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." 

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" 

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer. 

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. 

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. 

"Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father. 

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." 

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." 

"What?" shouted the father. 

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" 

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out,

"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" 

And that's how yodeling began.

-----------------------

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer,

"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

++++++++++++

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, " Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Farmer Thompson is whipping and slapping his sheep when the
local minister comes walking around the corner.

The minister says, "My, farmer Phil, you're certainly giving
that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would
you?"

The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways
every time I tried to hump her."

------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. 

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and . . . everything else was automatic!

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk."

++++++++++

A man was driving down a dirt road in the country suddenly his car breaks down. The guy steps out of his car and looks around and sees a farm.

The guy hikes up to the house and just before he knocks on door he realizes that for all he knows these people could be crazy, so he looks in the window and there sits this old lady squeezing her tit and right in front of her sits this old guys masturbating holding an umbrella.

Well this guys thinking man these people are nuts so he hikes up the road and sees another farm. He's just about ready to knock on the door when he again realizes that these people could be nuts to so he decides to look in the window. He does and he see's some kid's playing and a guy watching TV.

Thinking they look like a normal family, he knocks on the door. They answer and the guy asked if he can use there phone and goes on to tell him why.

The owner of the house asks why he didn't stop at the first house. 

The guy say's those people are crazy! This old lady was squeezing her tit and this old guy was masturbating holding an umbrella.

The owner of the house say's oh no they’re not crazy they’re deaf!

The old lady was saying go milk the cows and the old guy was saying screw you it's raining. 

++++++++++++++++++