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Fishing
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Sports Humor:
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On
Election Night 2004, the returns showed Kerry 50%, Bush 50%. To avoid another
Supreme Court case, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest
between the two candidates to determine the final winner. The candidate that
caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.
After a lot of back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would
take place on a remote and cold lake in
Wisconsin
. There were to be no
observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote
lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line with 10 fish.
Soon, W. returns and has zero fish. Everyone assumes he is just having a bad day
or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the second day, Kerry comes in with 20 fish and W. comes in again
with none.
That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with W. and says, "I think
Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and
don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any
way."
The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says to Bush,
"Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin'?"
"He sure is, he's cutting holes in the ice."
++++
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing
poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind
them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd
like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game
Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We
all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting
debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there
were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I
know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the
debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes
started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second
blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are
steelhead in this river?!"
++++++++
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a
new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight,
but the guy standing next to me
was the only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
++++
A game warden sped up to a man peacefully fishing in his boat where a sign
read "No Fishing."
"Don't you see the no fishing sign?" asked the game warden.
"Yes, I see it," the man said calmly.
"Do you know I can fine you for breaking the law?" the warden asked angrily.
"But sir, I am not breaking the law," the man declared.
"If you are not fishing, then what are you doing?" the warden asked
sarcastically.
"Well, I am teaching my worm how to swim!"
+++++++
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle
of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed
a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and
was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me
going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
++++++++
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows
his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks
up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was
married to her for 40 years."
++++
One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on them and asked to
see their fishing licenses.
One of the men took off running. So the warden started chasing him. He ran after
the man up and down the side of the river, thru the swamp, up the side of a
mountain, the man swam across the river with the warden right behind him . Then
he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.
Finally after about three miles of chasing the game warden caught up with the
man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing license. The
man reached in his pocket and pulled out his license and handed it to the
warden.
The warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled
and said: 'my companion don’t have a license!'
+++++++
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are
you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and
he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
+++++++
 
Two friends, a Russian and a Czechoslovakian, were out on a day's fishing. They
found a nice grassy knoll, with quite a slope, overlooking the ocean, where they
could cast their lines into the water.
While they were fishing, a pair of killer whales (male and female) came cruising
in the area looking for a feed. On spotting the whales, the men became pretty
excited and started jumping up and down, trying to scare the whales away, lest
they scare off any fish. In so doing, the Russian lost his footing and began to
slide down the slope towards
the water. His mate became concerned, as he knew he couldn't swim, and tried to
stop him sliding down the slope. Unfortunately, the grass was wet, and they both
slid straight into the sea, where the two killer whales dashed in to secure for
themselves a quick snack.
In no time, the coast guard was alerted and chased after the whales in an effort
to retrieve the bodies. The craft caught the smaller of the two whales, and with
a detonator harpoon, delivered it a fatal shot. They took the whale in tow and
took it into shore.
On opening the female whale up, they recovered the badly damaged body of the
Russian fisherman. So you know what that means, don't you?
The Czech is in the male!
++++++++
A father and son went fishing one day. After an hour out in
the boat, the boy started asking questions of his father,
"Dad, how does the boat float?"
Father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly
know, son."
The boy thought for a few minutes and then asked, "Dad, how do fish breath
underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do
you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll
never learn anything!"
++++
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to
do a bit of fishing. As he sat there one afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms."
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin.
O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it
back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the
water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by
the throat!"
++++++++++
A man who had his share of the bottle, decides to go
ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking
around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into
the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of
sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts
sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I
said before, there are no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't
see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one
more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts. "I have warned you three times now.
There are no fish!"
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared,
so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are
no fish? Are you G~d trying to warn me?"
"No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this
hockey rink."
+++++++
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had
forgotten to bring any bait. Just then, he happened to see a little snake
passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed
him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and
poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
+++++++++
A banker and his friend were fishing one afternoon when their boat began to
sink.
“ I can't swim”, said the banker
His friend held unto the banker and began to swim toward the shore. After 20
minutes he grew tired and Asked, “ Do you suppose you could float alone?”
The banker replies, “This is a hell of a time to ask for money”
++++
Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.
Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other
big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.
So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells
Harry, " You wouldn't believe, but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "
Harry says...." That's nothing, last time I fished in da
Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish
ship and da candle was still burning! "
They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was
lying.
Finally, Harry said to Morris...." Look Morris, if you take
450 pounds from off your herring I'll blow out my candle ! "
+++++
Herbert Peach of
Jackson, Kentucky bragged to his neighbors that he
had thought of a unique way of "fishing" in his backyard pond. He
claimed that if he rigged up a live electrical cable and dropped the
end into the water, the nearby fish would be shocked and he could
run out and collect them.
The problem is, it worked...up to a point. The fish were shocked on
his maiden try and so was Mr. Peach who forgot to turn off the 220
volt line before scampering into the water to collect them.
Authorities also reported that the electrical generator used to power
the " fishing expedition" was reported as stolen from the local farm
co-op.
Mr. Peach's funeral arrangements will be announced shortly.
++++++++
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach
him to fish, and you get rid of him on weekends.
+++++++
Reasons Why Fishing Is
Better Than Sex...
** You don't have
to hide your Fishing magazines..
** It is
perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish
with you once in a while.
** The Ten
Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
** If your
partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,
you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet
if you become famous.
** Your Fishing
partner doesn't get upset about people you
fished with long ago
** It's perfectly
respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
** When you see a
really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel
guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
** If your
regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't
object if you Fish with someone else.
** Nobody will
ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish
by yourself.
** When dealing
with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder
if they are really an undercover cop.
** You can have a
Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,
tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you
without getting sued for harassment.
** There are no
Fishing-transmitted diseases.
** If you want to
watch Fishing on television, you don't have
to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
** Nobody expects
you to Fish with the same partner for the
rest of your life
** Nobody expects
you to give up Fishing if your partner loses
interest in it.
** Your Fishing
partner will never say, "Not again? We just
Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
+++++++++
A game warden
noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the
other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam
would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish.
Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught
trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The
successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany
him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off
in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake,
Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how
it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or
are you going to fish?"
+++++++
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was
larger & heavier than he was. On the way to the cleaning
shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so
Rockfish.
The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"
+++++
 
What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits and lies!
+++++++++
A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt, and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. The boy replied, "Yes, he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
+++
One friend to another, setting out with a load of expensive fishing
equipment: "Looks like the first big catch of the year was made by
the sporting-goods people."
+++
Fishing: A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.
+++
Shivering wife in rowboat to husband: "Tell me again how much fun we
are having - I keep forgetting!"
+++++++
Two good fishing buddies, Joe and Dave, went up to the mountains
to a creek to fish. After they parked the pickup and got out all their
fishing gear, Dave said
"I'm going to go across the creek and fish upstream."
Joe acknowledged him. After some time of fishing away from
each other, the weather turned bad, the sky turned dark, and
it began to rain tremendously. The lightning flashed and the
thunder rolled, the creek began to swell and pushed over its
banks.
Dave came running down the opposite side of the creek and
hollered over to Joe above the thunder, "How do I get across?!"
Joe hollered, "Take off your shoes and socks, roll up your
pants, and wade!"
By this time it was dark. Dave hollered back, "The creek is
too high and you know I can't swim!"
Joe hollered, "I have an idea. I will go get the flashlight,
shine it on the water, and you can walk across on the beam!"
Dave thought about this for a couple of minutes and then
hollered back, "That's no good. I know you -- I'll get
halfway across, and you'll shut it off!"
+++++++++++++++
Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing
but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally, wore
him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to
the lake.
They had not been there very long when the fish began biting.
Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled
it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said,
"Verna Lou, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and
I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the
spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."
On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said,
"Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish
are so next time I'll know?"
"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right
down closest to the water."
"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed
you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get
the same boat the next time!"
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of
the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free
in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says,
"Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double
my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly
and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid,
"Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical
solutions to problems that have been stumping all
the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his
friends that he says to the mermaid,
"Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him and says,
"You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds
when they make a wish, but I really wish that you
would reconsider."
The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ
times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what
you're asking, it will change your entire view on the
universe. Won't you ask for something else...a million
dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted
on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."
And he became a woman.
+++++++++++++++
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was
just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What
a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was
in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had
two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife
said you'd gone fishing."
++++++++++++++
A drunken fisherman stumbled upon a baptismal service
at the river where he fished and walked out in the water
to where the minister stood. The minister turned to the
drunk and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus ?"
The drunk looks at the preacher and says,
"Ya Rev, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water,
pulls him up asking, "Have you found Jesus ?"
The drunk replies, "No."
So the preacher dunks him a bit longer, pulls him up
and again asks, "Did you find Jesus ?
To the drunks reply of No, the minister gets disgusted,
pushes the man under the water for about 30 seconds,
pulls him up and asks in a harsh voice,
"Now, my good man, have you found Jesus yet ?"
The old fisherman wipes his eyes, spits out some water
and says to the minister,
" NO, and are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
=============
Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before,
and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd
ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that
seasickness could be this awful?
With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going
to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry,
young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"Oh noooo!!" Bernie wailed... "You've just taken away my
last hope for relief!"
++++++++++++++++++++=
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!"
+++++++++++++++
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast
out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth
of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the
beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday.
He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided
to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of
working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the
businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working
rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and
replied, "And what will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!"
was the businessman's answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the
fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and
you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in
larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the
fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated
with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger
boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand?
You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the
world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked,
"And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at
the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can
become so rich that you will never have to work for
your living again! You can spend all the rest of your
days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset.
You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said...
"And what do you think I'm doing right now ??"
++++++++
In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation. "Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?"
She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
+++++++
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when
neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season
playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both
teams got together and decided that there should be some
sort of competition between the two teams, because of their
great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing
competition. The team that catches the most fish at the
end of the week wins.
So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their
contest.
The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught
100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd
day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.
That evening the Packers coach got his team together
and said, 'I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.'
So the next morning he dressed one of his players in
purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp
to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to
report to the coach. The coach asked, 'Well, how about
it, are they cheating?'
'They sure are!' the player reported, 'They're cutting
holes in the ice!'
++++++
The Walton's invited their new neighbors
over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton
was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in
and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!"
To which Mrs. Walton replied, "Brian, why
do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker,
not a fisherman."
"No mom. Every time we visit dad at work
and he hangs up the phone he laughs,
rubs his hands together and says
'I just caught another fish'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day
without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the
supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones
and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
++++++
Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for
three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing
yourself?"
Onlooker: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it."
********************
George was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught
recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, 'I saw the picture you
took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.'
George replied, 'Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of
weight during three hours of fighting!'
+++++
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
++++++++++
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over
coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing
fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I
was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but then, to make
matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
++++++++
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing
boat together, it was the husband who was behind the
wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what
might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake
he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend
that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat
safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to
him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go
into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the
dishes."
vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Taking care of his baby sister one day while his parents went shopping, young John decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. When his parents returned later in the day, John told them, "I'll never take her fishing with me again! I didn't catch a thing!"
His mother patted him on the shoulder and said," Oh, I'm sure she'll be nice and quiet next time and not scare away all the fish."
John replied, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
+++++
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while"
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing oats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?...Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.
+++++++++=
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto
a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his
fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was
there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a
young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice
not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing
line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth
Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just
luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within
just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on
and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more
since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to
the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour
without even a nibble. You have been here only a few
minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish!
How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you
are saying."
So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, "You have
to keep the worms warm!"
~~~~~~~ 
Two retired men were fishing in a skiff in the local pond.
The two weren't haven't much luck, but were enjoying the
weather. One of the men decided to check his bait. As he
was putting a new worm on his hook he looked over to
his friend, who adjusted his feet.
"Cletus," the man said, "that is the second time you
moved your feet in the last hour. Now did you come
here to fish or to dance?"
++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the orange roughy."
+++++++
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all of the
equipment; the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
row boat, the car and even a cabin in the woods of
Maine. They spend a fortune. Then they drive eight
hours to Maine.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything. The same thing happens on the second
day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last
day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says,
"Do you realize that this one lousy fish cost us
fifteen hundred dollars?"
The second guy says.
"Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
*****************
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.
++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out.
His Mama asked him what the problem was.
"Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really
big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish
got away."
"Now come on, Johnny,"" his mother said, "a big boy like
you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You
should have laughed."
"That's what I did, Mama."
+++++++
 
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day,
when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak,
the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's
back, he felt relief for the first time in years.
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard
time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything
about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see
Everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his
hands up and cried defensively,
"Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
<><><><><>
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from
the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached
by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden,
"I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I
come done to the water and
whistle and these lobster jump
out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the
end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal
to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden
and says,
"If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters
back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me
that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says,
"What lobsters?"
+++++++
Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day
they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,
"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again
tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby
Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"
His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of
the boat."
"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat
today?!"
+++++
 
"Armstrong!" the boss bellowed, "I happen to know that the
reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were
out playing golf! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the
fish to prove it!"
+++++++
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized
his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him
clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the
tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around
for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward
shore. About halfway there, he called out again.
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Really?" asked the tourist.
"Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!"
+++++++
Stranger: "Catch any fish?"
Fisherman: "Did I! I took 30 out of this stream
this morning!"
Stranger: "Do you know who I am? I'm the
game warden!"
Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm
the biggest liar in the county!"
+++++++
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get
her husband a fishing reel for his birthday.
After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but
I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have.
If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the
floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to
pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over,
she let out squeaky fart. The owner rang up the
sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed.
"You just told me that is was forty dollars a
moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for
the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and
the stink bait is $2.50."
+++++++
A man phones home from the office and tells
his wife, "Something has just come up. I have
the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime.
We leave right away, so, pack my clothes,
my fishing equipment, and especially my blue
silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick
them up."
He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes
off. A week later he returns. His wife asks,
"Did you have a good trip?"
He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack
my blue silk pajamas."
The wife responds in an angry tone,
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
~~~~~~
Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing
about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed
for help.
A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.
Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful
strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her,
and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of
the man.
The fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for
the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is
my mother-in- law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
------------------- -
Fishing
Bloopers:
http://www.flixxy.com/best-fisherman-bloopers.htm
+++
 
 +++++++++++++++
R-rated Fishing Humor:
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband
liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and
decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the
lake,
the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and
said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," She replied...as she thought to herself, "duh --
isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and
write
you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate
woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, 'but you do have all the equipment'."
++++++++++++
A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day
of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it
in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that
Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish! "
"Really? Well, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is
the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as
that Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his
gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a
look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste
of a Son of a Bitch." The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was
scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a
Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you
doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's
dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."
"Really? Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a
Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished
cleaning that Son of a Bitch."
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had
prepared an excellent meal. There was wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's
eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a
special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across
his face. "You fuckers are alright!!"
++++++
 
A widow and widower lived next door to each other. They had been
neighbors for over 30 years, but each had lost their spouse not too
long ago. Over a number of weeks, they had become close. One day, the
man asked the woman if she enjoyed fishing. Yes, she replied, she used
to enjoy fishing with her late husband. The man agreed to pick her up at 6 a.m.
the next morning. They went down to the river at the time they decided the next
day, and began fishing. After a while, the man began to move the boat upstream.
They came to a fork in the river and the man asked the woman, "Up or down."
Being nice, he wanted to let her decide.
The woman looked around, promptly took off all her clothes and jumped on the old
man. They had passionate sex. After a while, they redressed and resumed fishing.
Later in the day, they came to another fork in the
river. Again, the man asked, "Up or down," and once again the woman
stripped and another round of passionate sex commenced.
That evening, upon arriving home, the man asked the woman if she would
like to go fishing again the next day. The woman agreed. A little after
6 a.m. the next morning, they got to the river. As they came across that first
fork in the river, the hopeful man asked the lady, "Up or down."
"Down," the woman replied. A little surprised, the man headed that way.
After a morning of fishing, they got to another fork. "Up or down," the
man asked.
"Up," the woman said.
"Wait a minute," the man said. "Yesterday, when I asked that question,
you took all your clothes off and we had passionate sex. What's going
on?"
"Well," the woman replied, "yesterday, I forgot my hearing aid and I
thought you said 'Fuck or Drown!'
**********
Love is Like... GOING FISHING
Of course, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often
thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully
pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may
have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full
length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at
the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a
decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot
in your bag.
+++++++++
I go fishing, I catch nothing.
I go to orgies, I catch everything.
Go figure.
+++
The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for
the following day. I am going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe", he
said.
When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at the
fishing lodge. "What in the hell is this?", he asked his guide.
"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a
great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple of the local ladies,
but what in the hell is a panoe?"
+++++++++++
Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love
*When you go fishin' and you catch somethin, that's good. If you're making
love and you catch somethin,that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither. And don't want to know
how many other fish you caught.
* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away. In lovin' you lie about the
one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie, and promise to
still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a
woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin.'
+++++++
Fishing Vs Women
1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can go in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay
expected of you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. 2 hours of complete silence.(ok, a 2 hour blowjob will achieve the
same thing... but then you will owe her a diamond the size of a small
rodent!)
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
16. You generally can go home with a dozen fish before anyone says
anything.
17. The fish will usually nibble gently on your worm before they engulf
it entirely in their mouth.
18. If you pull out too quickly, all that happens is that you have a
happy fish.
19. A fish doesn't care how big your rod is.
20. Blowfish!
++++++++
What do you call it when a blackbelt goes fishing?
A: a master baiter.
+++
 
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