Football Betting Tipsters - Fully Proofed Winning Tips.

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway
through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we
have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to
graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team,
and when the student body heard that he wasn't going to graduate, they
all jumped up and started to chant, "Give Bubba another chance, give
Bubba another chance!"

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the
principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.
Bubba is told that he will be given a "One Question" math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, "What is 2 plus 3?" Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes
and finally says, "I have it! The answer is 5!"

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and
then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, "Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided
to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to
Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are
only 50 Catholics living there..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only
25 Catholics living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men and calmly said, "Why
don't you go to hell, there aren't ANY Catholics there!"

++++

A man is sitting in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who
was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

+++++

Q. Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?

A. Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

***

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

++++++

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal.

When the official called yet another close one in the visitors'
favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

"How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might
get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up The ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face The steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here, butthole?"

~~~~~~~~

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

+++++++

Two University of Michigan football players were taking an important
final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and
not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

~~~~~~~~~

By the time John arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

*+*+*+*+*+*+

KU's star quarterback had to get his grades up in order to play
in the big game at the end of the season. His coach knows that this is
impossible without some incredible rule-bending. He decides to test
them to the limit.

He arranged for the professors who were unhappy with the player's
work to create a special test for him. They finally decided on a
good, short quiz. They brought the quarterback into an empty room
that was filled with books, magazines, calenders, and electronic
computing equipment (calculators, computers, etc.). They told him
that he would have five hours to complete the one-question quiz.
He agreed and they left the room. The profs. check on him every
hour and record his progress. At the end of the five hours, they
ask him for his answer.

He says, 'Just a minute! I've almost got it!' After ten minutes
of this, the profs. get agitated and finally yell at him, 'We
need an answer! How many seconds are there in a year?'
He replies, '12.'

'12?!' exclaim the exasperated educators.

'Yeah, the second of January, the second of February,
The second of March...'

+++++++

Walter Payton, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

They came to a modest little house with a faded Chicago Bears
flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Walter,"
said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up
here."

Walter felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around
the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a green and gold
sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo
flag, and in every window, a title towel.

Walter looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful, but I have a question. I was the greatest running
back in NFL history and I led my team to a number of glorious
victories as well."

God said, "So what do you want to know, Walter?"

"Well, why does Bart Starr get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said, "Walter, that's not Bart Starr's
house, it's mine!"

++++++++

Dallas Cowboys football practice was delayed on
Wednesday for nearly two hours at Valley Ranch.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker
room happened to look down and notice a suspicious
looking, unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field.

Head coach Dave Campo immediately suspended
practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined
that the white substance unknown to the players
was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents
decided that the team would not be likely to encounter
the substance again.

+++++++

A friend of mine bought a used car with a St. Louis Rams bumper sticker.

One day he scraped off the sticker.

In ten minutes, the car ran faster and passed better.

++++++

Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around
like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really
need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to
stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put,
T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

I say let's make football more entertaining and give the
quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each
middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of
our players pitches the ball back to the official after
he has scored a touchdown.

The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches.
When they started the two-platoon system, he had a
three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense,
and one to go to classes.

The quarterback knows how to do everything with a
football except autograph it.

I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second
day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another
grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me
and said, "Make a wish!"

+++++++++

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame
was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a
football player told the priest that he had acted in an
unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost
my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be
doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a
mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my
opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk
mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the
other team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more
chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin'
when you did these awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be
boys."
+++++++++

 Detroit Lions Football Schedule 2010 

Sept. 15 Walled Lake Junior High 
Sept. 22 Cub Scout Pack 101 
Sept. 29 Michigan Blind Academy 
Oct. 6 Spanish American War Vets. 
Oct 13 Regina (girls) High School 
Oct 20 St. Clair Home for Wayward Girls 
Oct 27 Girl Scout Troop #69 
Nov. 3 Michigan VD Clinic 
Nov 10 Dearborn Boys choir 
Nov 17 Immaculate Conception Ukrainian grade school 
Nov 24 VA Hospital polio patients 
Dec. 8 Delray Gay boys 
Dec.15 Northville State hospital elderly ward (women only) 
Dec.22 Retired United Auto Workers (retired prior to 1950) 
Dec.29 W.W.I POWs Dec. 

Special Monday night game Rule Changes from last year: 
1. When playing the polio patients, lions must not disconnect leg 
braces. 
2. When playing the girl scouts, lions must not eat their cookies. 
3. When playing the Blind Academy, lions must not hide the ball 
under their jersey. 
4. When playing Immaculate Conception, and Walled Lake only the girls will be eligible to play. 

Rules the same as last year: 
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all of you players who have never seen one) is still worth 6 points. 
2. The Lions will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times. 
3. The Lions will be awarded a first down for each gain of 3 yards or more. 

++++++++++

Harry fell asleep watching "Monday Night Football " and spent
the night on the couch.

The next morning his wife woke him and said " Get up,
dear, it's 20 to 7. "

Harry opened his eyes and said..... " In whose favor ? " 

++++++++

Dear Crabby:

I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my Sisters, who lives in Bensonhurst is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Attica, for murder, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on robbery charges. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel; however, her time there is limited, as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé Utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two Sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin. 

My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Detroit Lions fan? --Signed, Worried

++++++++

A Viking Fan, a Bears Fan, and a Packer Fan were standing
side-by-side using the urinal. The Viking Fan finished,
zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of
Minnesota, and they taught us to be clean.

"The Bears Fan finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Illinois, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.

"The Packer Fan zipped up and as he was walking out the door said,
"I graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and they
taught us not to piss on our hands."

+++++++

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub to meet him. I
thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't
say anything.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to a restaurant but he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up although I started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him and he just said no but I still
wasn't really sure.

In the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I loved him.
He just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that
meant because he never says it back. We finally arrived at to
his place and by this time I was wondering if he was going to
dump me!

When I tried to ask him about it he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I told him I was going to bed.

After about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. But he still
seemed really distracted. Afterwards I just wanted to leave but
instead I just cried myself to sleep.

I don't know... I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else???


HIS SIDE OF THE STORY:
Packers lost

+++++++

The Difference Between Football in the North and South

WOMEN'S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their
front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder,
mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet
not necessary, that's what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass
interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt
and jeans.
Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat
logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated
cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the
law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave
for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a Physics Major
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: "Bear" Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket
office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for
tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going
because they have class on Friday.
Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't
want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it
to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the
campus for game parking.
Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin
arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast,
and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live"
to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why
game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening
to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who
comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of
bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you
walk right in with no line.
Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it
becomes the state's third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with
soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's
mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for
bourbon.

WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing Changes!
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: "Nice Play."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
legs!!!"

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his
legs!!!"

ANNOUNCERS
Up North: Paid.
Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight
song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody
goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning
begins for next week's game.

++++++++

Two men were sitting in the living room watching
a football game.

There was a knock at the door. The owner of the
house went to the front door and looked around.
No one was there.

He looked down and there was a snail sitting on
his front porch.

He immediately picked up the snail and threw
it as far as he could into the woods.

Ten Years Later...

The same two men were sitting in the living room
watching a football game.

There was a knock at the door. The owner of the
house wend to the front door and looked around.
No one was there.

He looked down and there was the snail looking
up at him.

The snail said 'Hey, Mister, why'd you do that?'

+++++++++++

Dallas Cowboys football practice was delayed on Wednesday
for nearly two hours at Valley Ranch. One of the players, while
on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice
a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field.

Head coach Dave Campo immediately suspended practice while
the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis,
the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players
was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the
team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

++++++++

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out 
for the football team. 

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach. 

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded 
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it 
to splinters. 

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. 
Can you run?" 

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was 
off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he 
had run a hundred yard dash. 

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass 
a football?" 

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a 
few seconds. 

"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, 
I can probably pass it."

+++++++++++++++

There was a college football coach that had a player on his
team that was a bit slow. The Dean told him that if the player
could learn the formula for water, then he would be allowed to
play in the big game.

The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player
into his office and asked him to recite the formula for water.

The player grinned real big and said, "H I J K L M N O."

++++++++

 UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS 

1. What language is spoken in France? 
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to 
A. build a bridge 
B. sail the ocean 
C. lead an army or 
D. WRITE A PLAY 

4. What religion is the Pope? 
A. Jewish 
B. Catholic 
C. Hindu 
D. Polish 
E. Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 

8. What are people in America's far north called? 
A. Westerners 
B. Southerners 
C. Northerners 

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 

11. Where does rain come from? 
A. Macy's 
B. a 7-11 
C. Canada 
D. the sky 

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 
A. yes 
B. no 

13. What are coat hangers used for? 

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country? 

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium 
-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? 
A. New York 
B. Florida 
C. Canada 
C. Wisconsin 

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have? 

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 

20. The University of Miami tradition for efficiency began
when? (approximately)
A. B.C. 
B. A.D. 
D. still waiting 

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to 
qualify.

++++++++++++

On CBS "Sunday Morning" TV show last winter, in honor of Super Bowl
Sunday, comic Bill Geist visited a nudist camp to tape its own Super
Bowl Sunday football game.

The producers painstakingly went through the entire tape placing the
obligatory fuzzy blob over specific anatomical exposures, but otherwise
the game was pure football - in the nude.

The commentator explained that they had one primary rule. Since this was "flag" football, not "tag," he said, "If you grab something (a flag) that doesn't come off (of the rag belt players wore) in three seconds, please let go."

**************

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

+++++++

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. 

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."

"How about foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the foreplay?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

+++++++++++++

A 49er fan in a leans over to the guy next to him and says, 
"Wanna hear a joke about Raider fans?" 

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke you 
should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a 
Raiders fan. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds 
and he's a Raiders fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 
280 pounds and he's a Raiders fan too. Now, do you still wanna 
tell that joke?" 

The 49er fan says, 
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times." 

+++++++++++++
 

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Seahawk's fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The 'Niners' fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Raider's fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Seahawk's cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the 'Niners' cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Raider's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Raider's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?"

"Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

"Well", said the officer, "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Raider's hat, I find an asshole...."

+++++++++++

Did you hear about the football coach that got married?

He thought he was getting a tight end, but wound up 
with a wide receiver!

+++++++++++++++++++

A gang of children are seen chasing Quasimodo through the streets of Paris.
Quasi' turns round and shouts "Get lost you little brats, I've told you, I ain't got your f**king football".

+++++++

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. 

Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. 

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they 
were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. 

"What do you mean?" he asked. 

"Well, everyone kept yelling,
'Get the quarter back!'" 

+++++++++

A boy's parents were getting divorced so they 
went to a lawyer. The lawyer asked the boy 
who he wanted to live with. 

The lawyer asked, 
"Do you want to live with your mother?" 

The boy replied, "No".

"Why" asked the lawyer. 

"She beats me". 

The lawyer then asked, 
"Do you want to live with your father?" 

The boy replied, "No". 

"Why?" The lawyer asked. 

"Because he beats me too" the boy said. 

"Then who do you want to live with?", 
the lawyer asked before the boy replied, 

"The Cleveland Browns Football Club". 

Why?" said the. Lawyer

"BECAUSE THEY DON'T BEAT ANYONE!" 
the boy said. 

+++++++++++

THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS' 2010 SCHEDULE 
AND CHANGES

After their losing an season the Minnesota Vikings football team is experiencing the following schedule and rule changes, effective immediately:

September 15.............Shiloh Junior High School
September 22.............Cub Scout Troop #101
September 29.............St Paul Blind Academy
October 6................Spanish American War Vets
October 20...............Elgin Mental Hospital
October 27...............Girl Scout Troop #353
November 3...............OH Venereal Disease Clinic
November 10..............Lakewood Boys Choir
December 9...............Brecksville Girls Club

**Rule Changes**
When playing polio patients, the Vikings must not disconnect knee braces. When playing the Blind Academy, they must not hide the football under their jerseys. The Vikings will be allowed to substitute
with band members at any time. The Vikings will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more.

++++++++

NFL Team Lame Names 

When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's 
performance. Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NFL. 

AFC West: 
Denver Broncos - Denver Donkeys 
Kansas City Chiefs - Kansas City Griefs 
Oakland Raiders - Oakland Faders 
San Diego Chargers - San Diego Rechargers 

AFC North: 
Cincinnati Bengals - Cincinnati Plaingels 
Cleveland Browns - Cleveland Clowns 
Indianapolis Colts - Indianapolis Dolts 
Pittsburgh Steelers - Pittsburgh Reelers 

AFC South:

Tennessee Titans - Tennessee Blight-ans 

Miami Dolphins - Miami Stallfins, Miami Soft Ones 

Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville Saguars 

Houston Texans - Houston Sexists

AFC East: 
Buffalo Bills - Buffalo Nils, Buffalo Spills 
Baltimore Ravens - Baltimore Raving Maniacs
New England Patriots - New England Patsys 
New York Jets - New York Pets New York Not Yets 

NFC West:

Arizona Cardinals - Arizona Tardynals  

St. Louis Rams - St. Louis Lambs
San Francisco 49ers - San Francisco Whiners 
Seattle Seahawks - Seattle Weehawks 

NFC North: 
Chicago Bears - Chicago Fairs 
Detroit Lions - Detroit Cryin's, Detroit Kittens 
Green Bay Packers - Green Bay Fudgepackers. Green Bay Slackers, Green Bay Whackers 
Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota Tykes, Minnesota ViQueens 
 

NFC South:

Atlanta Falcons - Atlanta Fellcons

Carolina Panthers - Carolina Can't-thers 

New Orleans Saints - New Orleans Aint's 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tampa Bay Yuccaneers 

NFC East: 
Dallas Cowboys - Dallas Cowgirls or Dallas Cowpie 
New York Giants - New York Midgets 
Philadelphia Eagles - Philadelphia Beagles 
Washington Redskins - Washington Deadskins 

++++++++++++++++

Top NFL Officials' Complaints: 

After shooting the blank gun to end the half, 
the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back
with live ammunition. 

Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger". 

Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit 
Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan. 

With Reggie White retired, the penalty for 
"Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless. 

Just when we thought it was safe to be an 
NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' 
CLEVELAND!!! 

Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during 
a game is twice as risky. 

Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn 
colors, but for me it's black and white week 
after week after week! 

Don King only bribes boxing judges. 

Official rulebooks not made in Braille. 

I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, 
so where's MY helmet and pads?! 

++++++++++

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only 
thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the 
colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer 
quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in 
Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian 
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight 
into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another 
hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! 
Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect 
arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of 
football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first 
time in history.

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when 
Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call 
his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super 
Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. 
You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just 
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among 
thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, 
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of 
rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives 
last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

"...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

<><><><><><><

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for 
the football team. 

"Can you tackle?" asked the coach. 

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded 
to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it 
to splinters. 

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. 
Can you run?" 

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He 
was off like a shot, and, in just over nine 
seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. 

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you 
pass a football?" 

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a 
few seconds. 

"Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, 
I can probably pass it." 

++++++++++

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the 
street when he sees a building on fire. A lady 
is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet 
cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and 
finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her 
cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes 
hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces 
off an awning and Larry runs into the street to
catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and 
makes a spectacular one handed catch. The 
crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks
into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his 
head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then 
spikes the cat into the pavement.

+++++++++

Three old football fans are in a church, praying 
for their teams. 

The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the 
49ers next win the Super Bowl?"

God Replies, "In the next five years"

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the 
Packers next win the Super Bowl?".

The Lord answers, "In the next ten years".

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the 
Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl?".

God Answers, "I'll be dead by then!"

+++++++++++

NCAA Division I Entrance Exam for Football Players

Time limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with 
particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social 
conditions. OR: Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) Build a bridge
(b) Sail the ocean
(c) Lead an Army

(d) "WRITE A PLAY"

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one.)
(a) Jewish
(b) "CATHOLIC"
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric Conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand (longer of the two) is on the 12 
and the little hand is on the 5?

7. Ancient History. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximately.)

8. Social Studies. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) "NORTHERNERS"

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: _____________________
Carter: _____________________
Clinton: ____________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being 
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) Kmart
(c) Canada
(d) "THE SKY"

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) Yes (b) No

13. The Star-Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

14. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR: Spell 
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

15. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?

16. What are coat hangers used for?

17. Advanced Math: If you have three apples and four oranges, how 
many apples do you have?

18. Geography: Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York
(b) Canada
(c) "FLORIDA"
(d) Wisconsin

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.

21. Current events. Naval flights over Kosovo originate from what 
branch of the U.S. Armed Forces?
(a) Army
(b) Air Force
(c) Crips
(d) "NAVY"

Name: __________________________ Correct Spelling +25 Points

==============

A Minnesotan dies and is sent to hell. He was a horrible 
man throughout life and the devil really wanted to 
punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks 
with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the
temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days the Devil checks in on his 
victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The Devil 
is aghast as he looks at the Minnesotan happily 
swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. 

The Devil walks up to him and says, 
"I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up,
it's humid, you're crushing rocks, why are you so happy?"

The Minnesotan, smiling looks at the Devil replying, 
"This is great, it reminds me of August in Minnesota. 
Hot, humid a good piece of work to do - it reminds 
me of home. This is fantastic!"

The Devil, perplexed, walks away to ponder this. 
He decides to change things up a bit -drops the 
temperature, sends down driving rain and torrential
wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. The 
Minnesotan is happily slogging through the mud 
pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the Devil asks how he can be happy in 
such conditions. 

The Minnesotan replies, 
"This is great. Just like April in Minnesota. Reminds 
me of working out in the fields with spring plantin'!"

The Devil is now completely baffled. In desperation, 
he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature 
plummet. Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.

Confident that this will have to do it, the Devil checks 
in on the Minnesotan. He is aghast as he sees the 
Minnesotan dancing, singing, and twirling his 
sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy. It's like you're 
celebrating. Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" 
screams the Devil.

"Hell's frozen over!" replies the Minnesotan, 

"The Vikings won the Superbowl!"

++++++

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game 
of note between the big animals and the little animals. 
The big animals were crushing little animals and at 
half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally 
he little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. 
The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. 
The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. 
On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, 
"Who stopped the elephant?" 

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?" 

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

++++++++

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The
bartender says, "No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Eagle's game 
and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. 
The guy says, "Watch. Whenever the Eagle's score, my dog does flips."

The Eagle's keep scoring field goals and the dog
keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell
of a dog you got there! What happens when the Eagle's
score a touchdown?"

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him
for 7 years!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A group of football players were sitting in a circle with their teacher in
their remedial learning class. She was going around in turn asking them
all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Jim, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Butch, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

++++++++++

As an art teacher for an elementary school here in 
Jacksonville, Florida, one of my recent assignments for
the children was to enter a contest that our new national
football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars, was promoting.

The winning artwork gets placed on the back of the
season tickets, so I encouraged the children to come up
with a good logo and a colorful creation.

One innocent little girl was so enthused about her
masterpiece she turned in to me. It had a picture of a
mean looking jaguar that read, "You're messin' with the
wrong pussy."

++++

What does a quarterback become after he eats a big meal?
A fullback.

+++

Why was Cinderella no good at soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball.

+++

If there are 5 flies in the kitchen, which one is the football player?
The one in the sugar bowl

++++

TOP FIVE CHANGES TO BALTIMORE SINCE WINNING 
THE SUPER BOWL

5. Community outreach programs allow gun-toting criminals 
to fire the half time gun.

4. Claim to fame is no longer some alcoholic, depressed poet.

3. New parking deck to be constructed on top of the pollution 
in the Inner Harbor.

2. Baltimore now voted only the second worst city in America.

1. Citizens don't have to cheer for the Orioles anymore. 

++++++++

Two Giants fans were standing at a bar. The one fan said to 
the other, "You know, the Ravens might have won the Super 
Bowl, but Baltimore fans are such a**holes!" 

A man walked up to them and with a mad look on his face 
said, "I find that statement offensive!" 

One of the Giants fans replied, 
"Oh, you must be a Ravens fan." 

"No" the man said, "I'm an a**hole!"

+++++++++++++

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the
stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend
walked over, said, "Hello Henry," gave Henry's wife's
breast a little squeeze and walked away.

A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, "Hello 
Henry," then, he too, fondled his wife's breasts and walked
on.

This strange sequence of events went on for some time.
Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, "Listen pal,
It's none of my business, but isn't it a little odd that at
least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed
your wife by the breast? What's the story?"

Henry looked at him and moaned, "What can I do? If I leave
her at home, she sleeps with everybody."

+++++++++++

Things that sound dirty in football...

 20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.

17. It's a game of inches.

16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.

14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.

13. He found his tight end.

12. End around.

11. He had to stretch to get it in.

10. He gets penetration in the backfield.

9. He blows them off (at the line).

8. He bangs it in.

7. He could go all the way.

6. He gets it off just in time.

5. He goes deep.

4. He found a hole and slid through it.

3. He pounds it in.

2. He beats them off (the line)

1. He's got great hands.

+++

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl? A: The Philadelphia Eagles.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common? A: The both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Philadelphia Eagle out of your yard? A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado? A: To Veterans Stadium - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Philadelphia Eagle with a Super Bowl ring? A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn't Camden have a professional football team? A: Because then Philadelphia would want one.

Q: Why was Andy Reid upset when the Philadelphia Eagles play book was stolen? A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and a dollar bill? A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: How many Philadelphia Eagles does it take to win a Super Bowl? A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Philadelphia Eagles and possums have in common? A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road !

+++

Football Betting Tipsters - Fully Proofed Winning Tips. Click Here!

R-rated Football Humor:

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to
have his recent marriage annulled.

"On what grounds?" questioned the judge.
"This court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her,
I thought I was getting a tight end.
But instead I found that I had married a wide receiver.

++++++++

Signs You're Watching Too Much Football

10. Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive

9. You've been banned from the A&P for spiking melons

8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the cartilage in your knee

7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em

6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip

5. During sex, you use a play clock

4. You pay $22 million to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway

3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup

2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden

1. After sex, you go for the 2-point conversion

+++++++++

The recruits for the college football team were lined
up to take their first physical before a new coach and,
of course, were stripped naked. Charlie, the candidate
for the tight end job, stepped before the coach, who
was amazed to see that Charlie's cock was about sixteen
inches long but only half an inch thick.

The coach exclaimed, "Charlie, what the hell happened
to you?"

Charlie explained, "Listen, I was nineteen years old
before I found out you weren't supposed to roll it
between your hands."

++++++++

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