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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft.

Today, it's called golf.

++++++

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm
for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one
complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the
others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the
grass!"

++++++++

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of golf. At
The 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the pro asked them, "How did your game
go?"

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second said he
did OK with 16 riders. The third said, "Not too bad since I had 10
riders." The fourth was disappointed and said that he played badly
with only two riders.

The pro was confounded by this term "rider," but not wanting to show
His ignorance just smiled and wished them better golf the next time.

He then approached Jerry, the bartender, and asked, "Jerry, can you
Tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" 

Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" means you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

+++++++

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said
one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a
game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared
by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a
golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent
me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask
him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In
addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win
the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match,
Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the
result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness,
" said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,
my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three
strokes."

+++++++

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to one of 
Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece 
and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went 
for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, 
Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had 
walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. 
There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. 
Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, 
but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me 
for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. 
Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, 
as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these 
curious little round white balls, so I picked them all 
up and brought them home hoping you could explain what 
they're all about."

++++++

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.

One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off all his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."

She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing?"

++++++
 

If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while
the group ahead are still putting, you have two options:
you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until
the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

+++

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme 
Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

+++

"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they 
are still rolling." -Mark Twain 

+++

'Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf
has more cheaters than any other game.' -- Bruce Lansky

+++

'On a recent survey, 80 per cent of golfers admitted cheating.
The other 20 percent lied.; -- Bruce Lansky

+++

'I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game.
It's called an eraser.' -- Arnold Palmer

+++

"Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies 
obscured by the occasional miracle." -Anonymous 

++++++++

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not
seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known
that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was
leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my
word. You name it, and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for
you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a
matching set of golf clubs, that would be fine." With that the
physician left.

The doctor didn't hear from the Texan millionaire for some months.
Then, one day, he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your
matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of
them didn't have swimming pools, and I didn't think they were good
enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you
now!"

+++++++

Excuses that you can tell when you just have to go and play golf!

A free round of golf was included with lessons. 
A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.
After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.
All the cool kids play golf. 
All the executives from my company play this course.
All the pin placements are forward today. 
All the TV shows are reruns. 
Because I am retired. 
Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing. 
Drinking beer and golfing is just fun. 
Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse! 
Free beer at the turn. 
Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course. 
Golf brings our my best competitive nature. 
Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again. 
Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't
talk constantly. 
Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
I always meet interesting people on the course. 

++++

An 80 yr. old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. 
The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." 
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! 
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?". 
"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand.." 
++++++

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!" 

++++++

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it
lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and
ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball.
It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt
and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't
even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other,
"Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going
to get on the ball."

++++++++
  

A Golf Pro at a Country Club is approached by a person who says "I know nothing about playing golf, and would really like to learn, could you teach me?" 

"Why certainly", says the golf Pro. 

So the next morning they are out on the golf course, and the person says to the golf pro "what's the first thing I gotta do?" 

The golf Pro says, "You see that white flag in the distance. you have to hit this golf ball as far as you can to reach it", The fellow takes his golf club, and whacks the ball which goes souring thru the air and heads straight for the white flag, landing ten feet from the hole. 

The Pro is amazed! "What's next", says the fellow. "Well you see that little hole where the white flag is sticking in, -- you have to get the ball into the hole". 

"Oh for goodness sakes, why didn't you tell me that in the first place," says the student golfer.

+++++++++

Playing golf with his buddies, grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he 
had written, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

+++++++++

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3
wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

+++++++++

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play
one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros
drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of
land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His
ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never
used a new all on this particular hole. He always picked out one that
had a cut or a nick.

Recently, he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the
fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said,
"WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the
Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally
achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again,
"WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING." So he stepped back and
took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING." He did.
Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again. "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."

++++++++

My daughter's boyfriend was going to teach her to play golf 
and figured that the best place to start was the driving 
range. 

Upon arrival my daughter sees a sign that says the 
golf balls rent by the bucket..large $4.50, medium 
$3.00 and small $1.50. 

She turned to her boyfriend and said "How can you 
tell the large balls from the small balls, they all 
look the same size to me".

+++++++

~*~ Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured 
by the occasional miracle. 

~*~ "I wish I could play my normal game...just once." 

~*~ "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls." 

~*~ If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even 
during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. 

~*~ Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot 
rarely make a perfect shot. 

~*~ The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again." 

~*~ A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two 
golfers...neither of whom can putt very well. 

~*~ An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you 
play; it is always possible to get worse. 

~*~ Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and 
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you 
go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 

~*~ I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. 

~*~ If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you 
might wish to reconsider this game. 

~*~ Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if 
you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. 

~*~ Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 

~*~ Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't 
work... and both are expensive. 

~*~ The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. 

~*~ To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add 
correctly. 

~*~ In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... 
they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five." 

~*~ Swing easy. Hit hard. 

~*~ If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough 
than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your 
personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of 
time before the IRS investigates your business. 

~*~ Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the 
ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner 
buys the drinks 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even
after the first couple of holes. The second guy says "Say, we're about
evenly matched, you about we play for a five a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the
holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while
counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring
course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest
says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."

+++++++

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."

+++++++++

Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament
and met on the putting green for the first time.

After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"

"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.

"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she
was paired up with her.

"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!

+++++++

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a
slick 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced,
"I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does
anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather
missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around
to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on
which he had printed, "I can make this putt." His pals are
still trying to collect on the bet; my grandfather is too.

++++++

PRE-SEASON GOLF MEDITATIONS

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to
play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt....for an 8.

It's not a gimme if you’re still away.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

+++++++

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf’s all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid husband is actually out there golfing?" 

+++++++++ 

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf." 

++++++++++

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf &
enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.

Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole,
he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy
and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown
myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your
head down that long."

++++++
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to 
understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any 
doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired. 
A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving 
after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You 
name it and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you." 
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a 
matching set of golf clubs that would be fine." 
With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texas 
millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from 
the millionaire. 
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your 
matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of 
them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good 
enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you 
now!" 
++++++++++

What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A
Bad skydiver? 

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Damn! A Bad 
Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack. 

+++

Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from
the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it 
completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.
No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little
gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only
a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

++++++++

A one-wood, golf club walks into a bar and asks the 
bartender for a beer but the bartender refuses to 
serve him. 

"Why not," asks the club. 

"Because," he says, "you’re the designated driver."

++++++

At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The
straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on
the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in
that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off
the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a mov-
ing bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all
stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you
do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus
schedule."

+++++++

Tad: Why don't you play golf with Rad anymore? 

Gad: Would you play golf with someone who cheats and moves the ball when you're not looking? 

Tad: No 

Gad: Well neither would he 

+++++++++++

Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman ran
across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and
another guy carrying two buckets of sand were chasing her, and a little
old man was bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers asked the old man, " What the hell is going on?"

The old guy said, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps
trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer said, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy said, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

++++++++

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play
but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already
out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to
play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how
many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't
need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I
have is getting out of sand traps." 

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green
and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing in the trap.

He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting
out of sand traps?". 

Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

+++++++

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

++++++++

THE RULES OF GOLF -- for good players whose scores would reflect their
true ability if only they got an even break once in a while.

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the
fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the
rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction
between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player
should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from
such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed to not have hit the tree. Hitting
a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The
player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it
had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop
a nice, firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or
near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by
someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball and the player should not
compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player
may be hit again on the roll without counting any extra strokes. In any
case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a
bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to
concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his
playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it shall be deemed to
have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Same thing applies for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and
hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.

Same thing for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways.
This violates the laws of physics.

A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"You could blow it in!", may be actually blown in. This rule does not
apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no
one wants to make a travesty of the game.

++++++

My wife, Diane, was chatting with her brother, Charles, a business
executive who had retired last year. While discussing the joys of his
new leisure time, Charles remarked that he had been compelled to
give up skiing, a sport he had enjoyed for many years.

"Afraid of injuries?" Diane asked.

"Well, now I am," he responded. "Before I could drag a cast into work
and still do my job, but now I'd be messing up my golf game."

+++++++++++

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of 
Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and 
husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. On the second 
afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. 

Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, 
Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?" 

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as 
she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little 
round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home 
hoping you could explain what they're all about."

+++++++++

A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in 
front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is 
deaf, and he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a 
piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the 
golfers tore the paper up and laughed in his face. About the tenth 
hole, the deaf man was getting so irritated with the slow play of the 
foursome he decided he was fed up with it. The foursome were just 
about to hit their second shots, when all of a sudden a ball flew by 
their heads almost hitting the man who tore up the paper. They all 
looked back and all they could see was the deaf man holding up four 
fingers. 

++++++++

A man and woman are standing at the altar, waiting to be married, when
the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees a set of golf
clubs standing next to him.

"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs?" she whispers.

"Well," he says, "this won't take all afternoon will it?"

++++++++++++

"What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"

"I was golfing with friends, my dear."

"WHAT? At 2 a.m.?!"

"Yes dear, we used night clubs."

++++++++++

'I play golf in the low 80's,' the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club. 
'Wow,' said the young man, 'that's pretty impressive.' 
'Not really,' said the little old man. 'Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke.' 

++++++

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.
"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender

++++++

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder
of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun. " the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.!

+++++++

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

++++++++

A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress
syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer
replied, "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."

The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an
imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided
to give it a try.

The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a
round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was
working.

Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it
would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first
golfer said, "Sure!"

They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied at
this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball,
took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"

The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said, "No, I won.
That was my ball."

+++++++

A golfer was having such a terrible day one day that he 
couldn't help but take it out on his caddy. 

"You're terrible!" he screamed. "When we get back 
to the clubhouse, I'm going to see that you get fired!"

"That's okay by me," the caddy replied calmly. 
"By the time we get back to the clubhouse, 
I'll be old enough to get a regular job!"

+++++++

"You're going out to play golf again?" his wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctors orders."

"Do I look stupid to you?!"

"But its true," he said, while walking out the door.

"He told me specifically that I should get some iron 
everyday."

+++++++++++++++++

GOLFING POETRY

I think that I shall never see
a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree o'er which my ball must fly
if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard,
and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend
to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there,
while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me
who cannot ever miss a tree.

===========

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. 
They come to a difficult par with a water 
trap just after the tee. 

The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball 
right into the water. To retrieve it, he 
simply approaches the body of water and 
extends his golf club. 

The water parts, he takes his next shot 
and it lands on the green. 

The second golfer hits his ball towards 
the water, but rather than sink, the 
ball floats on top of the water. The 
golfer nonchalantly walks across the 
water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball 
directly into the water, where it 
quickly starts to sink. As the ball 
sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its 
mouth. At that very moment, a hawk 
plucks the fish out of the water and 
begins to carry it aloft. As the bird 
soars higher, a bolt of lightning 
startles the bird, which then drops 
the fish into a nearby tree. When the
fish hits a branch of the tree, the 
ball pops out, rolls down the trunk 
of the tree, across the green and 
right into the hole... 

Moses turns to Jesus and says 

"You know, I hate golfing with 
your Father." 

=====

"You can make a lot of money in [golf]. Just ask my ex-wives. 
Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."
--Lee Trevino

++++

“I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.” Rogers Hornsby

+++

A foursome of elderly gentlemen came back after a round of 
golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them, 
"How did your game go?" 

The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. The second 
said he did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad 
since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said 
that he played badly with only two riders. 

The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting 
to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf 
the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and 
asked, "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' 
mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you 
have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart. 

++++++

One golfer commenting to his overweight, out-of-shape, 
golf-playing friend: "I hesitate to consider golf a sport...
because then I would have to consider you an athlete."

+++++

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put'
or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

*****

On Husband-and-Wife day at La Quinta in Palm Springs, a player 
drove straight down the 1st fairway. Taking over, his wife sliced the 
ball 100 yards into the rough. The husband gritted his teeth and 
made a magnificent recovery right onto the green. The wife blasted 
her putt past the pin into a deep trap. Delicately, the man lifted
the ball back to the green-where it rolled into the cup. 

He turned to his wife. "We'll have to do a bit better than that from
now on, dear. The hole was bogey five." 

"Don't give me a hard time, " she snapped, "only two of those strokes 
were mine."

++++++++

One day Bob, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten
years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a
ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he
begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous brunette
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches Bob and asks,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigar?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a hand rolled camaroon, still in the tube. He takes it, lights
it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of
whiskey?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely
fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long
has it been since you've played around?"

Bob, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord! Don't tell me
you've got golf clubs in there!"

************** 

For the four executives, the high point of the annual stockholders
meeting was their Sunday afternoon golf game.

They had just teed off on the twelfth hole when the assistant golf pro
came tearing across the green, red-faced and out of breath. "Mr.
Rudeneck, Mr. Rudeneck!" he gasped, "I have terrible news. Your wife has just been killed in a car accident."

Rudeneck turned to his companions and said, "Guys, I gotta warn you. Six more holes and you're gonna see a man crying his eyes out."

+++++++++=

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs
across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats and
another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little
old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What the hell is going
on?"

The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps
trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

*************

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert
for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of
alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like
pepper spray.

************

THINGS YOUR WIFE WILL NEVER SAY 

"I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you 
had time to play on Saturday too." 

"Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't 
you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8." 

"I'd rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping." 

"Forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself 
new clubs."

++++++++

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

++++++++++

I found that all the important lessons of life are contained 
in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.

1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.

+++++++++

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. 
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. 
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the
others. 
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said 
the third senior. 

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest 
of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be 
thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!" 

+++++++++

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical
help.

He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the
University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

++++++++

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down
the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler
and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but
he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit 
a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the
head and killed him.

The next thing he knew he was at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter 
looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, 
is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

Saint Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2,
didn't I?"

++++++++


There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. 

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. 

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. 

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect DOUBLE EAGLE! He was amazed and excited. 

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." 

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?" 

+++++++

GOLF EXPLAINED

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul
balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow,
even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in
trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot
rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it
again."

7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two
golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you
play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it
and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next
day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt",
you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if
you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached
it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it
won't work... and both are expensive.

15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add
correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...
they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the
rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your
personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of
time before the IRS investigates your business.

+++++++++

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday he has an early tee time, gets up early and golfs all
day 

One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the
course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with
the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. 

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day. 

He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers,
"The weather out there is terrible. 

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
golfing?"

+++++++

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies 
obscured by the occasional miracle.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil (Chi Chi 
Rodriguez)

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up 
the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)

Some golfers believe 'underclubbing' can be corrected by 
'overlooking' or 'undercounting.' When using a caddie it 
can also be corrected by 'over tipping.' 

Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt.
(Jack Nicklaus)

It's not whether you win or lose...it's whether I win or lose.

Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than 
sand?

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart 
golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the 
way to the next hole.

If you have lost more than four balls on any given hole, for 
safety reasons, let your partner drive the cart.

He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. (Mickey 
Mantle)

++++++++++++

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said.
"Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The second golfer replies, "Great trade!" 

++++++

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on
his shoulder & a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute.
May I play through, please?" 

The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "no, he
may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a
right." 

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the
hole. 

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the
head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. 

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand
holding up 4 fingers.

++++++++++

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

++++++++++++

How is golf like taxes?

You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole. 

++++++++++

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking
he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining
that he knew nothing whatever of the game. 

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the
ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and
smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where
it stopped inches from the hole. 

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally
said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

+++++++++++

The golfer's wife was in full flight.

"If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I 
would drop dead," she screamed.

"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband. 

+++++++++++++

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first
man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful
that he gave a friend a new home for free." 

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new
Mercedes, fully loaded." 

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
stock portfolio." 

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about
our sons. How is yours doing?" 

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar.
I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing
good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new
Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

+++++++++

A businessman who frequently left the office to play golf 
instructed his secretary to tell all callers only that he 
was away from his desk. 

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot 
which course they were playing that day, and called for 
information. 

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from 
his desk. 

"Just tell me," said the exasperated golfer, "Is he five 
miles away at Graystone or ten miles away at White Mountain 
Country Club?" 

++++++++++++++++

GOLF MEDITATIONS

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to
play worse.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt....for an 8.

It's not a gimme if you’re still away.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.

You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the
ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major 
stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to 
which the golfer replied, 
"I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it." 

The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should 
use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, 
but he decided to give it a try. The first golfer explained that 
his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an 
imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. 

Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and 
asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary 
ball also. 

The first golfer said, "Sure!" They now approach the 18th 
hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in 
their round. 

The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, 
and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!" 

The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said, 
"No, I won. That was my ball." 

+++++++++++

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. 

The desk clerk say, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there 
is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road."

Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."

The desk clerk replies, "Oh! In that case it's just a 6 iron 
down the road."

+++++++++++++++

A blonde walks into a country club pro shop, points to a shelf 
and asks the clerk, “How much is that golf club?” 

“Sorry,” says the clerk, “but the owner won’t let me sell golf 
equipment to blondes. He says they always seem to return 
everything they buy.”

The blonde leaves the shop very angry, walks down the 
street to a wig shop and buys a brunette wig.

She returns to the pro shop, points to the same spot and 
again asks, “How much is that golf club?” 

“Sorry lady,” the clerk says, “the owner does not sell golf 
equipment to blondes because of the high return rate.”

“How did you know that I am a blonde?” she asks.

“Well,” says the clerk, “for one thing, that’s a 
golf umbrella, not a golf club." 

++++++++++++++++++

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where 
no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better 
elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. 

After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad 
temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and 
said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world." 

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy 
named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!" 

++++++++++++++++

Franky was paired with another fellow for a round of golf. As it 
happened, they were both eighteen handicaps, so they decided to 
make the round a little more interesting and play for some money. 
On the eighth hole, Franky began to suspect something was rotten on 
the course. Either his opponent was having the round of his life, 
or he was Joe Sandbag and Franky was being hustled. The thought did 
not sit well with Franky, but he decided not to say anything, just in 
case the guy really was just having a lucky day. 

He kept the thought until the sixteenth hole. The sixteenth was a
long par five dogleg left, with trees on wither side. They teed off, and 
both their tee shots failed to clear the dogleg. When they arrived at 
their balls, this guy pulled out a one iron (that was the other clue 
that something was amiss) and proceeded to blast a low draw around 
the trees. The ball rolled onto the green and came to rest six inches 
from the hole. Franky just stood there and stared daggers at the guy. 
The guy looked back at Franky and laughed nervously. 

"Gee," he said, "someone up there must like me." 

"Yeah," said Franky, heading towards him, "and you're just about on
the way to meet Him!"

+++++++++++

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack,
you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game
of golf. You really know your way around the course. What
is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his, confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th. "

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again, with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also.

What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered,

"I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

++++++++++++

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

++++++++++++++=

A short quiz and some observations.

Do you know who in 1923 was:
1 President of the largest steel company?
2 President of the largest gas company?
3 President of the New York stock exchange?
4 Greatest wheat speculator?
5 President of the Bank International Settlement?
6 Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the World’s most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now 80 years later do you know what became of these men?

1 The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2 The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3 The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.

4 The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad penniless.

5 The president of the bank of international settlement, shot himself.

6 The great bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, died of suicide.

In that same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championships, Gene Sarazan, won both the U.S. OPEN and the PGA 20 championships. He died in 1999 at the age of 95, played golf until he was 92 and was financially solvent at his death.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and other bullshit and start playing GOLF.

A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head. 

The doctor asks the guy how this came to be...

"I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the
only bad tee shot I've made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow
pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her
ball into the same place."

"So we're both out there searching, and she's swearing like she just
invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find
a ball. She claims it's hers, and we end up continuing to search for
the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I've
looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing."

"So I pick up the cows' feet one by one, but there's no ball under a
cow. Now there's only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow's
tail, and sure as hell, there's a golf ball! When I turned to the fat
broad, the ball fell out.

I pointed under the tail and said 'Does that look like yours?'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bartender at a gold club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honor of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.

+++++++++++++

One day, a priest calls in sick to go play a round of golf. At every hole, he gets a hole-in-one! God and Jesus watch this from above.

"You're going to let him get away with this?" says Jesus. 

"Sure. Who's he gonna tell?" 

+++++++++++++

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten
so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife.
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball
for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did
you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

-------------

There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon but couldn't because of their wives, so one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said,

"I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"

The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"

The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"

They both look at him and asked how he managed that!

The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked,

"Golf course or Intercourse?" She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

+++++++++

ADVICE FOR GOLFERS

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

|

|

|

Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

"you missed the damn putt, didn't you?"

"Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't"

10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!

++++++++++++++++++++++

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the Women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

++++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly couple was golfing and they approached the 18th tee. The old man tees his ball up and is about to swing when he looks down the fairway and sees his wife standing in the middle of the fairway about 50 yards from the tee.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"You haven't hit a ball straight all day, there's no way you will even come near me" she responded.

"Damn it woman get out of my way" yelled the old man.

"Go ahead and swing old man you couldn't hit the ball straight if your life depended on it" she shot back.

With that the old man swung and the ball shot off the tee striking the old woman right between the eyes.

Later that day the old man was talking to the coroner.

"we determined that the cause of death was severe blunt trauma to your wife's forehead" said the coroner.

"Yes that would be my drive" said the old man.

The coroner then said "I figured that but the thing I can't Figure out is that we found a golf ball lodged about 6 inches up her ass."

"Oh" said the old man, "that would be my mulligan"

+++++++++++++++++++=

Two Tennessee men were starting a round of golf together. On the first tee, the first guy smacked a beautiful drive down the center of the fairway. With a smile, he picked up the tee and walked to the cart.

The second guy cranked another good drive down the center of the fairway, Pleased, he hopped in the cart.

When they arrived to the golf balls, they noticed that they were 10 yds. apart.

"That's mine up there" said the first guy pointing to the ball closer to the green.

"No way, I out drove you easily" said the second guy. Before you know it, fists were flying. After a brief scuffle, the second guy stopped and said, "I know how we can solve this problem!"

"How?"

"We will get the clubhouse pro out here!"

Sure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him, dragged him out to the fairway. Studying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said, "I know to solve this!"

"How" said the first guy?

"Yeah, How" yelled the second.

Replied the pro, "Who's hittin' the yellow ball?"

=============================

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport. . .

"These fairways seem to be getting longer and longer,"
said one of the foursome.

"And these hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
another complained.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them,
too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and
said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this
side of the grass!"

-------------------------------------------------------------

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium.

"Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said!!

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits.

"But my thumb still hurts like hell."

<><><><><><>

A Club golfer was on the 18th tee. His score to this point was 56, one that he had never attained before. All he had to do was to score a double bogey, or less, and he would establish a new Club course record. His buddies were cheering for him.

His tee shot sliced into the woods. He found it but it was out of bounds. Back to the tee. 
His next shot found a bunker. He took two to get back to the fairway.

He continued toward the green by way of a water hazard, un-playable lie's and several putt's in utter frustration. Total strokes -- 32, an 88. Three strokes above his handicap.

He was very disappointed. Entered the Club House. Went to his locker. Took out a razor blade and slashed both wrists. While sitting there, head down, blood running from his wrists to the floor, a friend approached and said,

"How about a game tomorrow?"

He quickly put his wrists together and said, "What time?"

==================

 One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone
for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not
a ship,"he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from
the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit
and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes
a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good
bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long
swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks,

"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,

"Oh sweet Jesus! ...Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

=========

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

============

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. 
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?"

Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted.

"You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

===============

It was a sunny Saturday morning, just perfect for golf, and Murray was beginning his pre-swing routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement - "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

That was too much for Murray. He broke his stance, lowered his club back to the ground and raised his voice.

"Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

+++++++++++

The Worst Golf Foursome Ever:

1 Monica Lewinsky
2 OJ Simpson
3 Ted Kennedy
4 Bill Clinton

Why You Ask?

1 Monica Is A Hooker
2 OJ Is A Slicer
3 Ted Kennedy Can't Drive Over The Water, And
4 Bill Clinton Can't Remember Which Hole He Played Last!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his own ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.

Fred hunted for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for ANYTHING the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry! Harry! Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing! For heaven's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

++++++++++

A golfer and his caddie were out for a round of golf one afternoon. The golfer was horrendous and the caddie was trying to hide his laughter. The two reached a par five and  the golfer sliced his drive horribly into the woods.

The two tracked down the ball, and found that it was still in bounds. The golfer attempted another shot, but hit it even deeper into the woods. When they found it he again knocked it deeper into the forest.

Setting up for his fourth shot he saw the caddie looking at something. "Is that a pocket watch? I didn't know you were in such a hurry."

"Oh no, I'm not in a hurry, this is a compass."

===========

A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.

He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is. He looks at the bewildered players and says: "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".

+++++++++++

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But ... you're blind, how can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?", asks Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says "Well, I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK. I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says "Any night suits me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. Off the third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in."

Entering the house, they saw glass all over floor, a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my window?" he asked.

"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.

"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied. "I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and one for myself."

"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well, we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over, looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your husband?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

----------------

There are several men in the locker room of a private golf club after exercising. 
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

Man: "Hello?"

Her: "Honey, It's me."

Man: "Sugar!"

Her: "Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Her: "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

Man: "What's the price?"

Her: "Only $1,500.00"

Man: "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

Her: "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price .... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

Man: "What price did he quote you?" 

Her: "Only $60,000..."

Man: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Her: "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

Man: "What?"

Her: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year .. it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, Beach front property..."

Man: "How much are they asking?"

Her: "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

Man: "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

Her: "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" 

Man: "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

=============

Q: What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

A: Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!

***

Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to John, a recent father.

"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't
get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn."

Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another.
"Greens Fee," it read.

Tiger Woods is driving his new BMW through Ireland when he stops for gas. He meets an old Irish man and they exchange pleasantries.  As Tiger bends to get the nozzle two tees fall from his pocket. Looking the old irishman says

"and what would those be for"?

Replying Tiger says "they hold my balls while I drive"

Astonished, the old man says "those boys at BMW think of everything".

++++++++++++++++++=

LAWS OF GOLF

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: The more expensive the golf ball the more it will be drawn to the water.

LAW 4: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 5: Every par-three hole in the world will humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater the humiliation.

LAW 6: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 7: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 8: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 9: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 10: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A man and a woman meet at a single's resort and become infatuated with one another. The man decides that he doesn't want to foil this relationship, so he will be honest with the lady.

"I have to tell you the truth, I have a problem."

"What is it?" the woman asks.

"I'm obsessed with golf. I have to play at least twice a week or I am not happy."

"Since you are being so honest I will tell you something about myself. I am a hooker."

The man kept silent for a minute, and the woman was worried that she had offended him.

"Have you thought about changing your grip?"

+++++

Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage.

Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you."

Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"

Sally replies, The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus."

They jump into bed and have a good session.

Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

"All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."

They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear.

"What are you doing?" asks Sally.

"Going for a cup of..."

Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."

"No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"

"He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.

"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.

"Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!"

+++++++++++

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

++++++++++

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:

"I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your ex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer.

"My name's Father O'Malley."

***********

This man and his wife were out playing golf when he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building. His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."

He looked it over and decided to do it. He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the spot.

A few years later, the man remarried, and was out playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the same spot, behind the building.

"His new wife says, look, both doors are open. If you can hit it through there with a little draw on it you could be pretty close to the green."

The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a double-bogie."

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway.

Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.

Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this," he says as he picks up a 5 iron.

"But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"

"Nope. Arnie would use a 5," insisted Jesus. So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims,

"Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

"No," explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After my wife won golf championships at three different country clubs, Our local newspaper reported her triumph under the headline:

Mrs Wilson Intercourse Champion.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++=

A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.

But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."

"Hey Bill what are you doing? Play for heaven's sake. We don't have all day!" says Jim.

"Hold on a minute, I gotta do this right. See the woman standing up there on the clubhouse porch? That's my wife and I would like to get off the perfect shot," replied Bill.

Jim looks, and about 250 yards away he sees Bill's wife. He says, "You must be kidding. You couldn't hit her from here."

+++++++++++++++++++

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Are you sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to he next hole.

What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

"OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures
what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,

"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

+++++++++++