Back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.  Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"   

+++

"Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

    "Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? 
    "A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    "Q. Where will the government get this money? 
    "A. From taxpayers.

    "Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? 
    "A. No, they are borrowing it from  China . Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

    "Q. What is the purpose of this payment? 
    "A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    "Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of  China ? 
    "A.  Shut up."


    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the  US  economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

    If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to  China .

    If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda.

    If you purchase a computer it will go to  Taiwan .

    If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to  Mexico ,  Honduras , and Guatemala  (unless you buy organic). 

    If you buy a car it will go to  Japan  and  Korea .

    If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to  India . 
          
    If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan .

    If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to  Nigeria .

    And none of it will help the American economy.

    We need to keep that money here in  America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

+++++  

Recession explained...  

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral. At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide.

No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items. One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%. The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand.

+++++

Just how bad is the economy - really?

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear

The economy is so bad:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't
paying their taxes.

Hot wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.

PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names

A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting

People in Africa are donating money to Americans

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"

Motel Six wont leave the light on

The Mafia is laying off judges

+++++

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir; My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Gomer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

++++

If garbage workers in your community ever go out on strike, you might like to know how a wise New Yorker disposed of his refuse for the nine days the sanitation workers were off the job last summer. Each day he wrapped his garbage in gift paper.

Then he put it in a shopping bag. When he parked his car, he left the bag on the front seat with the window open. When he got back to the car, the garbage had always been collected.

April 23, 2001

Internal Revenue Service State Processing Center

Holtsville, NY 01150-0115

Dear Taxmen/women:

Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

J. Smith

++++++

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.

The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the towns people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch.

The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.

"Shit," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

+++++

A young worker from Post Office was sorting through her
regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed
as follows:

GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a
little old lady who had never asked for anything in her
life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if
God could send her the money.

Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection
from her fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off
to the old lady.

A few weeks later, another letter arrived addressed to God.
The young lady opened it and read the following note: "Thank
you for the money, God, I truly appreciate it. However, I
only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the
Post Office!"

--------------------------------------------

This Vietnam vet goes and takes his civil service exam for
the Post Office and he winds up at the interview. While
there the interviewer notes that the guy scored 99% on the
test, is a Vietnam vet, and was injured in the line of duty.
Automatically this qualifies the guy for a job.

So the interviewer tells the guy he got the job and then
asks what the injury was. "I got my balls shot off," says
the guy. So then the interviewer says "Ok, well your workday
starts at 9:00AM".

This perplexes the guy and he asks why he can come in at 9:00
when everyone else comes in at 7:30.

"Because for the first hour and a half, we all stand around
scratching our balls!"

--------------------------------------------

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, the first guy said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter" he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his buddy was collecting double his pay. 

The clerk explained, "Sir, panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled the panty stitcher.

Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship.

He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!"

One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!"

The last boy said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!"

++++++++++++++++++

Sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.

I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.

+++++++++++++++=

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest... "It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

Person One or Person Two?

Person Red or Person Blue?

Do you live all by yourself?

Do you live with someone else?

Do you own the place where this was sent?

Or just a poor slob paying rent?

How old are you on April 1st?

Just when is your date of birth?

Are you a boy or girl right now?

Would your doctor write that down?

Are you Vietnamese or Korean?

Chinese? Cuban? Puerto Rican?

Japanese or Filipino?

Two-thirds white or half Latino?

Samoan aunt? Hawaiian dad?

An uncle who's from Trinidad?

African or black? Which is it?

Indo-Euro Asian midget?

Answer all and send it out,

so we can get a proper count.

Results arrive 2020,

the date we do it all again!

++++++++++++=

Two New York City social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten," he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

----------------------

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's gonads and squeezes gently but firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without even so much as a look back.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS"

As seen on http://www.loc.gov/copyright/faq.html, the FAQ for the US copyright office:

58. How do I protect my sighting of Elvis?

Copyright law does not protect sightings. However, copyright law will protect your photo (or other depiction) of your sighting of Elvis. Just send it to us with a form VA application and the $30 filing fee. No one can lawfully use your photo of your sighting, although someone else may file his own photo of his sighting. Copyright law protects the original photograph, not the subject of the photograph.

Does it really come up that often?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOVERNMENT POLICY: SNAKE ATTACK

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic. (emphasis added)

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic. (emphasis added)

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

+++++++++++++++

Jerry, a new applicant for the civil service, went to see the head recruiter of the post office for a job.

"What's you experience?" the recruiter asked. "What can you do?"

"Nothing!" answered Jerry.

"Good!" said the recruiter, "Then we won't have to break you in!"

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

Thank you.

I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsibility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year.

You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have he immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the  morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!

It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae/ yuppie / political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice.

She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

+++++++++++++

Her husband in the middle of the night awakened a Washington
reporter. "I think there's a thief in the house," he said.

"No doubt," she said sleepily. "And there are a handful in the Senate, too."

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man.

"Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"We work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"

"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

+++++++++++

A retired gentleman went into the social security office
to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and
realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman
that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?"
he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about
his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might
have qualified for disability, too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had just moved into a new apartment and
was having problems with the mailman, who
was delivering the previous tenant's mail to
my address. Hoping to resolve the situation,
I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he
still kept giving me the wrong letters.

Finally, I left a note saying that he was
delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day
I went to the box to find this addition to my
message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly.
You're just living at the wrong address."

++++++++++++

The fire at Los Alamos has one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire.

This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists.

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, of which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

The Native Americans asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to
collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy!"

+++++++

After spending 3 and a half hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I just spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

+++++++++++++=

This is an accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is the bricklayer's report, a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award for sure!

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that my Weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

Yours truly,

Anon.

A social worker asks a colleague: "What time is it?"

The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."

The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build
a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built
and it was beautiful. When Brejnev came to test it, he looked
thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call
Empire State?"

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building
came to be seen.

"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that
came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and
Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

"Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing
large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show
me what the text below says."

More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't
grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"

-------------

Pythagorean theorem : 24 Words

The Lord's Prayer : 66 Words

Archimedes' Principle : 67 Words

The 10 Commandments : 179 Words

The U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage : 26,911 Words

=======

London, 10th November 2000

To the citizens of the United States of America,

Following your failure to elect a valid President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary

2. Start referring to "soccer" as football

3. Your language will now be referred to as "American". Actual English will be taught as a second language until mastered by a percentage of the populace.

4. Driving on the left is now compulsory -recall all cars to effect the change immediately.

5. Sexual frequency will be reduced by 75% to bring it inline with the rest of the commonwealth.

6. All Starbucks must serve only tea.

7. Declare war on Quebec

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and... cheerio!

+++++++++++

The government has a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

The congressman whose district it's in says someone might steal from it at night; so Congress creates a night watchman, GS-4 position, and hires a person for the job.

Then the congressman asks, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So Congress creates a planning position and hires two people -- one person to write the instructions, a GS-12, and one person to do time studies, a GS-11.

"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" the congressman asks.

So Congress creates a quality control position and hires a GS-9 to do quality control studies and a GS-11 to write the reports.

Then the congressman asks, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So Congress authorizes positions of timekeeper, GS-9, and payroll officer, GS-11, and two people are hired to fill the slots.

"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" the congressman asks.

So they hire three people, an administrative officer, GS-13, an assistant administrative officer, GS-12, and a legal secretary, a GS-8.

On the eve of the next election season, the congressman looks at the cost and says, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall costs."

So they lay off the night watchman.

++++++++++++++++++

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought.

"I wish I never had to work again."

And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On
his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his
route left him something in the mail box in honor of his
retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and
some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal.
This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded
through his route, the gifts got better and better. One
house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened,
and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie.

She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was
a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded
to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him
breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate
as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I
called my husband to ask him what we should give you for
your retirement, he said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar!'
Breakfast was my idea!"

+++++++++++++

The government announced yesterday that the VAT (Value Added Tax) would definitely apply to the Penis because it provides a service.

The way the tax will apply was difficult to decide. This was due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective from September 1st 2001, a Penis will be taxed according to Size:

4--5" NUISANCE TAX

5--8" PRIVILEGE TAX

8--10" POLE TAX

10--12" LUXURY TAX

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. (PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION).

The Taxpayers Association is still awaiting clarification on a number of questions raised on this new tax, including:

Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

What if one's penis is self-employed?

Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

++++++++++++++++

The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists' use of "lethal force" in dealing with idiot drivers.

Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress. "This is truly a great day in our country. I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who's in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on."

Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:

** Stopping for a yellow light.

** Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.

** Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to "go through the light." (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)

** Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)

** Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles. 

Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on "Cruel and Unusual" punishment. Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to "be creative."

Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, "The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of 'slow and easy'. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they'll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We think it's a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people."