Heaven...or...

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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."

+++++

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul. 

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul , "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida ."

+++++  

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the greatest golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much does it cost to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it's free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part. You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

St. Peter and the old man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "It's all your fault! It's all your fault!"

His wife said, "My fault? What are you talking about?"

He yelled, "If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"  

++++

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can
you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

++++

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

+++++

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically they all died and went to the pearly gates together. 

St. Peter was surprised to see them. "Oh, dear! We weren't expecting you and your quarters aren't ready yet. We can't take you in and we can't send you back!"

Getting an idea, he picked up the celestial phone and called Lucifer. "I have three gentlemen who are ours, but their places aren't ready yet. Could you put them up for a couple of days? I'll owe you one."

The Devil reluctantly agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. You have to come get these three guys that are yours. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

++++++++

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about
how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate
he was to have her.

He looked up and asked God, "Why did you make
my wife so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't
mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did
you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

~~~~~~~~~~

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague
and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message
from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of
cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to
send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I
can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring
this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including
matches in the package, did he?"

++++

One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, 

"Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."

The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over.

"QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven.

The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen.

She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."

++++++

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this
guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, from da Bronx...

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter into the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of New Covenant Tabernacle for the
last 37 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter into the
Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver
and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter...

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people
prayed."

+++++++++

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven. There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious? 

No?

St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities?

No?

St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad. Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything?

No?

St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, the Saint says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!" 

The man thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face." 

"Wow," said St. Peter, "That's impressive! When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 15 minutes ago," replied the man.

+++++++

A man shows up at the pearly gates carrying a large chest Saint Peter stops him and says, "I'm sorry, this is Heaven. You're not allowed to bring anything with you."

The man clutches the chest tightly and says, "Oh yes I can, I have special permission from God to bring this."

Saint Peter had never seen anything like this before, and so he tells the man, "Hold on. I'll have to check on this."

He pulls out his celestial cellular and calls the Big Man. Much to his amazement, he learns that the man does indeed, have permission to bring this most prized earthly possession with him.

He gives the man permission to proceed but can't help himself and says, "Excuse me but I'm extremely curious. Could you please show me what you have in the chest?"

The man gives a big smile and opens the chest. There in the chest was bar upon bar of shiny gold.

Saint Peter seemed confused, and as he tells the man to proceed, he has to ask the question,

"Out of all of the things you could possibly bring with you to Heaven, why would you want to bring only pavement?"

Three guys died and went to heaven. The first one goes to St. peter and knock's on his door....

St. peter asked him two question's.

"How many year's have you been married?"

The first guy said, I have been married for 20 years..

St. peter then replied with, " how many times have you cheated on your wife?"

He hesitated and replied, 3 times.....

St. Peter wasn't very pleased to hear that. So he said to the man, "You are going to drive around in a volkswagon beetle for 40 years till you get your wing's."

The man jump's in his beetle and drive's off..... 

The second one goes and knock's on St. Peter's door.....

St. Peter ask's him the same two question's

The man replies, "I have been married for 35 year's and I cheated one time."

St. Peter isn't happy to hear this, but it was the best he heard all day.....

St. Peter gives the man a Cadillac to drive around for 15 year's till he get's his wing's..

The man smile's and drive's away.

The third man goes and and knock's on St. Peter's door...

St. Peter also asked him the same two question's.

The man replies with, "I have been married for 50 year's, And I never once been unfaithful to my wife"

St. Peter look's up at him and say's that is the best I have heard all day!

For your faithfulness, You will drive around heaven in a Rolls Royce for 10 year's till you get your wing's.

The man is so happy and jump's into his Rolls Royce and drive's away...

Later that day! The first man in the beetle comes driving down the road. He notices the Rolls Royce parked and a man sitting under a tree. He pull's over and walk's up to the gentle man sitting under the tree. (The man under the tree is crying.) He ask's why are you crying? You have the best ride in heaven....

The crying man replied, "I just saw my wife pass by in a pair of roller skate's"

++++++++++++++++

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint
Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my
dear departed husband? He died many years ago."

Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"

"John Smith," replies the woman.

"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of John Smiths up
here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words.
Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"

The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember
them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was
gone, he would roll over in his grave."

"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling John Smith!"

----------------------

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter. "With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

++++++++++++

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived.
The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What
did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man
walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you
die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my
heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third
person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a
street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And
the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon
the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get
any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And
God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it
was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our like-
ness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over
all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth
upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image;
male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean
and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man:
"You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds. her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep 
forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained
10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so
Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN
and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the
Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and
cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body
with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate
and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the
land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

------------------------------------------------------------

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells
him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some
people will go to to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory
of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he
says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. 

Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you
have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is
that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people,
standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on
their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the
last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing
waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get
something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said,
"Ok, coffee break is over, back on your heads!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. 

The angel tells the three new arrivals that, because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven, St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. 

The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." 

The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." 

He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. 
She states, "I earned $150,000 a year as an attorney." 

The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. 

He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" 

The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year ... "

"Oh," the angel interrupts, "what subject did you teach?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

+++++++++++++

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

+++++++++++++

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better
programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a
contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on
the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of
lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power
was restored, and God announced that the contest was over.

He asked Satan to show what he had come up with.

Satan was visibly upset, and cried,

"I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." 

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better." 

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.

Satan was astonished. He stuttered,

"But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact!

St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,

"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down.

There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. 

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter.

"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught
in the railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it
was really stuck. He heard a noise and turned around to see a
train coming.

He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out
of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it
was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed
again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND
cussing!" Still nothing and the train was just seconds away!

He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out
of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and
fornicating."

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to
dive out of the way in the nick of time.

He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and
said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

-------------------

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 +++++

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mix-up in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell.

The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?"  

The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to."

Bill asks, "What is that?"

The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary."

Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

+++++

John died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with. 

The Devil took John to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. John said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. 

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. John also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very
beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. John told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. 

The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!"

John assured him this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...

"You can go now, I've found your replacement."

========