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Hospital Humor
 
Medical:
Doctors
Nurses
Transcription/Records
Psychiatric
++++
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there
was this young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to
him like a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone
of voice: "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast,
and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple
juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks
at it. "It seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the
top and chugs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe
I can filter it better this time."
+++++++
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall
of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his
operation. A nurse stopped him, and asked, "What's
the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure
it will be all right.
She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the
doctor!"
+++++++
It was an unusually hectic evening at the emergency clinic
where I work. The doctor on duty was being simultaneously
bombarded with questions, given forms to fill out and sign,
and even asked for his dinner order. I was in the next room,
cleaning up a newly sutured wound, when I realized the
doctor hadn't given instructions for a bandage. I poked my
head out the door and asked, "What kind of dressing do you
want on that?"
"Ranch," he replied.
+++++++
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Freds' condition appeared
to deteriorate, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol'
Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly
died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was
finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket
that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said , "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it, but knowing, Fred I'm sure there's a word of
inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Please
step to your left - you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
+++++++
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the
hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered
open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
+++++++
Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You're never covered as much as you think you are.
+++
Bob, who suffered from impotence, went to see a doctor, who gave him a
monkey gland implant, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, Bob asked,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
The nurse replied "We won't know until it comes down off the
chandelier."
+++++++
AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of
whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan
Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first
two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
have been for more than two seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did
see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the
corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab
against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a
cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from
Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the
medical building.
+++++
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw
a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of
candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began
to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control
Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the
foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
+++++
La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there"
++++++
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation
grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they
discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river waterand
was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham,
"is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no
other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
++++++
BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were
engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them
clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked
Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle
broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy
leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her
unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell
twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a
styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon
who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the
perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content,
which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the
wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the
dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a very
stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of
regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal
Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
+++++++
A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a
trendy part of the city.
Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that
each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of
his practice.
So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep
hole, the orthopaedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's
door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's
door was left open - just a crack.
+++++++
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white
coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart
transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable
rock."
++++++++
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR
DURING SURGERY
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml
of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again....
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.
Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's
throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here....
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change....!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and
place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
+++++++++
An expectant mother was being rushed to the
hospital, but didn't quite make it.
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital
lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing
"Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them
the baby was born on the front lawn. A
week passed, and a corrected bill
arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."
+++++++++
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to
the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend
and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.
As we came up to the top of the highest loop,
I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
I tried to read it but it was very small and I
couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I
decided to go round again, but we went by
so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign
said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign
so I went round a third time. As we reached
the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign
said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
++++++++
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation
nd was about to close, the patient awakes, sits
up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says,
"I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close
my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the thread and says,
"Suture self."
++++++++
Insurance - Are you covered?
The majority of HMO plans out there are a lot like
Hospital gowns –
you only think you're covered.
+++++++
You know, I have a few misgivings about
Hillary never being able to push her
National Health Insurance policy through...
She and Bill-Bo have been making me sick for
years - So why shouldn't the government
have to pay for it?
++++++++
A middle aged woman has a heart attack
and is taken to the hospital. While on the
operating table she has a near death
experience.
During that experience she sees God
and ask if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has
another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just
stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy
tuck, etc. She even has someone come
in and change her hair color. She
figures since she's got another 30 years
she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the
last operation and is killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains:
"I thought you said I had another 30 years.
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects
of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said.
"I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from
a doctor who's sober?"
+++++++
Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks
at his lunch and says,
"I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."
The hospital worker said,
"It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it."
But the patient refused to eat.
That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad
stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an
enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.
The following week, when he was leaving the hospital,
a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.
He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good,
but they're very strict about their food. Here's a
good tip: When they bring up chicken soup you
better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle
of the night and shove it up your ass!"
+++++++
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything
at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband
is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped
at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all
the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke
his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the
hospital to have it set."
++++++
"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the
nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read
about a man who was in the hospital because of heart
trouble, and he died of malaria."
"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a
first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart
trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
++++++
 
MEMO TO ALL EMS PERSONNEL
To: All EMS Personnel
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many
EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and
abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases
like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as
being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of
our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper
narratives and log entries.
+++++++
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
+++++++
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He
quickly rushed to the emergency room.
The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'."
"But I don't have the fingers!"
"What! You don't have the fingers!?" said the doctor, "You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like
microsurgery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new."
"But Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
++++++++
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
++++++
A man returns from the Middle East feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes the
man to Beth Israel Hospital in NYC to undergo tests.
After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to
the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the
hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains,
"We've received the results back from your tests. We've
found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.,
which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis,
and herpes."
"Oh my gosh," cries the man, "Doc! What am I
going to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get
under the door."
+++++
A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed.
He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the
day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise
him while he is asleep.
The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for
several days.
After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed
him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked
him to tell him about the surgery.
The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you
think they are.'
++++++
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both
St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area,
would operate in the morning, then field calls about his
patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good
doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ
Hospital, when the other phone rang.
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St.
Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.
I'm talking to Christ."
++++++++
A very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a
complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered
up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on
him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently, trying to get the unknown things off. He ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident
walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"
The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat
the crap out of a ghost."
+++++++
 
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find
herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire
across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up
and think the operation had failed."
++++++
There's the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible
motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the
anesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.
"Son," he said, "I've got some good news and some bad news.
"The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident,
and I'm afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above
the ankle."
"Jesus," gasped the patient. "What's the good news?"
"The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good
price for your boots."
++++++++++++++++++++
A Soviet journalist in a visit to the US walks into the hospital
and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would
like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
The nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but
if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "in my country I keep hearing one
thing and seeing another."
Vvvvvvvvvvvvvv
The young lady walked over to the room where she
knew her friend was.
"May I see Irving, please?"
she asked the woman blocking the door.
"We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients,"
replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?"
"Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister."
"Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman.
"I'm his mother."
+++++++
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer!" when the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied, "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
++++++++++
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after
surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered
open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A
couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're
cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful"
it was "cute." She said "What happened to 'beautiful'? His reply was
"The drugs are wearing off!"
+++++++
The young woman looked up from her hospital bed at the handsome
doctor and said breathlessly, "They tell me, doctor, that you're a real
lady killer."
The doctor smiled, "Maybe so.. But the jury threw the case out
of court due to lack of evidence"
+++++++++++++++=
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first. "Were you sick when you came in here?
Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
+++++++
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess
saying:
"Remember, the first five minutes of a human
being's life are the most dangerous."
Underneath, a nurse had written:
"The last five are pretty risky, too."
+++++++++
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of
the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry,
the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral
thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse
insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to
get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a
daffodil!"
++++++++
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong
one!
**************
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for
coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the
groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured
by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun,
gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however,
how you intend to pay for your stay here.
Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's
a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters'.
They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the
bill to my brother-in-law."
++++++++
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this
young nurse. Every time she came in, she talked to him like a little
child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we
doing this morning?"
Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled
the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a
urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the
juice went.
The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "It
seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this he snatches the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top and
chugs it, saying "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
******************
A man was sitting in his hospital bed while his
wife was opening his get well cards, "This card
says, "Get Well Quick." It's from our hospitalization
plan!"
+++
After undergoing a complicated intestinal
operation, a man kept complaining about
a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
His nurse, knowing that there was no reason
His head should hurt, and concerned that he
might be suffering from some post-operation
shock, spoke to the doctor about the man's
pain.
"Oh, don't worry about that, nurse," the
doctor said. "His head does hurt. About
halfway through the operation we ran
out of anesthetic."
++++++++++++++
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except
a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the
corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the
girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check
whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the
sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts
the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another
man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts
the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third
man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows
impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and
appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
++++++++
A girl walked up to the information desk in a
hospital and asked to see the "upturn."
"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked
the nurse on duty.
"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"
"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.
"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."
"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."
To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern;
contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....
What's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant.
++++++++++++++++++
 
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
++++++
Practice For A Hospital Visi
Practice For A Hospital Visit
1. Lie nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man
to probe you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-
Coat Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have
your child stuff his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on
your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper
napkin with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while
practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten
PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately
puncture your wrist with a Craftsman (square head)
screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung
from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up
and down the hall.
8. Pee into an empty lipstick tube.
++++++++++
MATH QUIZ FOR EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT STAFF
1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration
down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve
feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing
that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with
a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many
feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you
than the primary nurse?
2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is
a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back.
Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it
to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses' station heading south at
three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the
doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient
is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?
3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic
room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four
patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness.
Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female,
between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain.
It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans
will you need?
4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with
congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally
difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter
on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another
patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping
and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before
you return?
5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to
use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to
walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have
to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends
ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when
your break began. How much time do you have left?
6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly
shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician
arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a
particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient
agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the
door during the exam?
7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by
rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and
registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department
and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into
before she finds him?
8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to
be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has
been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours
later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for
a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many
rooms will you have to search before you find one?
9. You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her
break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with
an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his
physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get
off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the
side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and
the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to
reach the door before pulling out the catheter?
+++++++++++
The doctor knocked at the hospital door before entering Mary’s room.
Mary called out to come in. The doctor then proceeded to tell Mary to
remove all of her clothing after which he gave her a thorough, from top
to bottom, front to back, leaving no part of her body untouched, exam.
When he had finished, Mary looked the doctor straight in the eye and
asked, "Doctor, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," he replied.
Mary asks, "Why did you bother to knock?"
************
 
R-rated Hospital Humor:
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
***************
A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be
working in. He walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man
doing such a thing out in the open?
The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the
sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate
constantly or he will explode."
"Oh, I see" says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying
on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks
the doctor "What's up with that?"
The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."
+++++++
This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but,
because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up
having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses
had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they
could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke
went to pieces and started crying when they explained what
had happened to him. "Shit!" he moaned. "This means I'll
never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll
just have to be someone else's, that's all."
++++++++ 
A well known, much-married movie star said to her doctor, "I have a new
boyfriend and he's 18, so I want you to tighten my vagina. This has to
be our secret - no tabloids, definitely no leaks."
Her doctor was standing there when she woke up after the operation.
She looked at the foot of the bed and saw three bouquets of flowers. She said angrily to the doctor, "How could you do this to me? I told you this was to be a secret."
The doctor said, "Relax. The first bouquet is from me. The second is
from the anesthesiologist - he worked with me on your operation. He's
gay and very trustworthy. He won't tell a soul. And the third bouquet is from a guy in the burns unit who wanted to thank you for his new pair of ears."
++++++
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital
just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare,
went up to the surgeon who was going to perform
the operation and said "Doctor, I'm worried
about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and
is in extremely good health apart from her heart.
How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied "She's been working
since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to
do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working
for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I
don't think she's about to start now!"
+++++++++++
A husband was visiting his wife in hospital where she has
been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decided
to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this, she let out a sigh.
The husband ran out and told the doctor what happened. The
doctor said this was a good sign, and suggested the husband
try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, which brought
a moan. After hearing this, the doctor suggested that the
husband should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the husband
to be embarrassed.
The husband went in, then came out about five minutes later,
white as a ghost. He told the doctor his wife was dead.
The doctor asked what happened, to which the husband replied,
"I reckon she choked to death!"
+++++++
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an
operation because her vagina lips are much too large.
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as
she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses
carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I asked you not to tell anyone about my Operation!"
"Don't worry," he says. "I didn't tell anybody. The first
rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through
this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse.
She assisted me with the operation, and she had the
operation done herself."
"Whom is the third rose from?" the woman asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy
upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears!"
++++++++++++=
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"
"Well, Mr. Jones,her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours
to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning
to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, dude. You don't have to worry- she's dead."
+++++++
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem I get nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
+++++
 
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when
a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times
in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine
for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
"What's wrong" asks the mother.
"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee
and this bullet came out".
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.
"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came
out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
+++++++++
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor
surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to
see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the
room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his
pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the
attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a
little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required
twenty-seven stitches."
+++++++
Professions:
Farmers
Police Legal
Medical:
Doctors
Nurses
Transcription/Records
Psychiatric
Return to Master Jokes index
 
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