Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience
with the Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you little
people?" asked Mother Superior.

The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns
asked, "Oh, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any
midget nuns here at the convent?"

"No," says Mother Superior, "I don't have any midget nuns
here at the convent."

"All right than, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of
any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?"

"No, no," replied Mother Superior, "I don't know of any nuns
who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all."

"Well, than Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole
world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any
midget nuns?"

"No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of
the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please
tell me what this is all about?"

The asking leprechaun turned sadly to his stupid leprechaun
friend and said "See, its as I told you all along, you've
been dating a penguin!"

++++++

Q: How many Irish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Five--one to hold the lightbulb, and four to drink until
the room spins!

++++++

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen
Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see, I saw a chap who I thought
was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And
when we got up to one another, it was neither of us."

++++++

Q: How can you tell the difference between a lace curtain
Mick and a shanty Irishman?

A: It's obvious: your lace curtain lad will always move the
dishes in the sink before he pisses!

++++++

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a
night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into
the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that
he woke up the misses.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down
from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't
wake up the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he
shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down

"I can't" he said, "I've drank it!"

+++++++++++

Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike,"
he says, "I know I'm a goner."

"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead of yuh."

"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend,
there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."

"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints
and the Holy Mother."

"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey
that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and
I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."

Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "Will
you do that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"

Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Paddy, but
would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"

+++++++++++

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender approaches and tells him, You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one
for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day,
he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice
and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's
just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

++++++

+++++++++

An Irish Toast 
May you be poor in misfortune 
Rich in blessings 
Slow to make enemies 
Quick to make friends. 
But rich or poor, quick or slow, 
May you know nothing but 
happiness from this day forward.

++++++++

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" 

She replied, "That you did, Father." 

The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" 

"No, not yet Father," said she. 

"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." 

"Thank you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she. 

"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?" 

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." 

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" 

"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!"

++++++

Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many 
children that they didn't know what to do. Paddy says to 
Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish 
priest. We can't keep on with anymore children." 

So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, 
"Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to 
limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the 
other is the rhythm." 

Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how 
in the hell am I going to find a couple of bagpipers at 
4 o'clock in the morning?"

+++++++

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is
illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen
retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed
to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro
means four. You have five people in your car and you are there-
fore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor
over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a
Fiat Uno."

++++++++

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he
sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to
brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I
will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a
might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it
down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says,
"I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you."
So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up
with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it
will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then
asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be
taking two more of these."

++++++++

Three Drunk Irishmen were rumbling through a cemetery in search of the
oldest person buried there.

One blasted bloke, Shamus yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he
was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,
and exclaims, " He was 'Miles, from Dublin.'"

**********

Two guys were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the first guy. "He's due to 
fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in 
forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the other one.

"I'm sure I won't," said the first guy, "after all, he's been away 
for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the the other one.

"Of course he will," said the first guy. "Sure, an' I haven't been 
away at all".

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Tiger Woods is driving his new BMW through Ireland 
when he stops for gas. He meets an old irish man and 
they exchange plesantres. 

As Tiger bends to get the nozzle two tees fall from his 
pocket 

looking the old irishman says 
"and what would those be for"? 

replying Tiger says "they hold my balls while
I drive" 

Astonished, the old man says 
"those boys at BMW think of everything". 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a
lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide, and just as they neared the top, the men were caught
in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to
them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's
bringin' it!"

************

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed
and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news
for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best
put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But of solid character, he
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office
into the waiting room.

To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well.
I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what
the two were celebrating.

O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the
bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his
impending end. He told his friends "I have been diagnosed
with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and
they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You
just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your
mother after I'm gone!"

++++++

Q: What has 26,000 legs, and an IQ of 34?

A: The entire St. Patrick's Day parade!

++++++

Paddy was going for his morning walk one day when he walked
past Sean's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."

This confused Paddy because he knew that Sean didn't own a
boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Sean about it.

"Hey Sean," said Paddy, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat
says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya
have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Sean calmly replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale!"

+++++++++

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. 
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child. 
In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. 

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. 

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

+++++++

Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?

A: A six-pack and a potato. 

++++++++

An Irishman goes into a bar with a pig under his arm.
"Where did you get him from?" asks the Barman. "I won him in a
raffle" says the pig.

+++++++=

Q: How can you tell that an Irishman is married?

A: He eats his potatoes cooked.

***************
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both
applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test
by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should
get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the American put down on question #5,
'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."

+++++++++

Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking a few beers.
So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?" 
Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through me bladder first?"

+++++

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday 
morning service, and she's in tears. 

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" 

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband 
passed away last night." 

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, 
did he have any last requests?" 

She says, "That he did, Father..." 

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" 

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!'" 

+++++++

An Irishman goes to the local pub to celebrate St. Patrick's 
Day, like he does every day, and gets wasted out of his mind. 
He stumbles outside when the bartender tells him that he's 
had enough, but he can barely walk. So he leans up against 
a tree, where he passes out. 

A few minutes later, a couple of fine lassies go walking by. 
One says to the other one, "Do you think they wear anything 
under those kilts?" She admits that she doesn't know. So 
they go to check it out. 

She lifts up the kilt and sees him in all his glory. As they 
replace the kilt and get ready to walk away, an idea enters 
one of their heads. "Give me your blue hair ribbon," she says. 
Reluctantly, she hands it over. She goes back over to the 
Irishman, lifts up the kilt, and ties the ribbon to him. 
They walk away laughing. 

A few hours later, the drunk gets up to take a piss. He stands 
up, walks over to the bushes, hikes up his kilt, looks down and 
sees the blue ribbon. He thinks for a minute and says, "To be 
perfectly honest, I don't know how you got away, and I don't 
know what you did, and I don't know who you did it to, but I'm 
sure glad to see that you got first prize!" 

+++++  

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor 
how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About two 
hours," says the conductor. 

"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip 
between Cork to Limerick?" 

The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 
two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" 

"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas 
and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New 
Year's and Christmas!" 

+++++++++++

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St. Andrew's Day, so we decided to call him Andrew." "My God that's amazing," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake." 

++++++++=

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the
Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music
in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps
but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9:
United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He
gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as
the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and
loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a
more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5:
United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He
reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose
which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few
paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine'
getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off
the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0:
United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in
unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember,
it's damn slippery out there."

----------

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said:

"But isn't having nine babies a little much?"

"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."

"Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

+++++++++=

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to
the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you
want to go to heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You
mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now."

-----------------------------

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department
answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car
accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes
that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end
of a Chrysler.

The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the
driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein. After
Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered
no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey
the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks
him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going
when he backed into you?"

------------------------------------------------------------  

A. Regular rocks are too heavy.

An Irishman, newly moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here me, first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In Cork County Ireland, a bum came up to old Hogan and asked for a handout. Hogan replied,

"Ye'll only waste the money, you will."

"No," replied the bum, "I need it for food. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I sure don't gamble."

"Aye," Hogan replied, "in that case, if you'll be comin' back to my house, I'll give you a whole pound."

The bum was agreeable, and in a few minutes they were at the door of Hogan's house. Mrs. Hogan opened the door, took a look at the pair of them and said,

"Aye! And what would this be about then?"

Hogan said to his wife, "I just wanted to show you somebody who doesn't smoke, drink, or gamble! And why don't you keep your promise and marry him, then?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his
cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

----------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.

Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Late one Friday night after a big soccer game the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. The team won, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these margaritas, which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. 

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test."

The man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

=====================

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began
sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years,
they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting
frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out
wearing fur and diamonds.

As she walked into the house her father said 'Hmmm - they seem to
be paying secretaries awfully well in London.'

The girl took his hands and said 'Dad - I've been meaning to tell
you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter.
I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute.'

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will
to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother
and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly
"I'm a goner - killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of
what you've become!"

"Please forgive me; his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have
nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only
way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed,
smiling. "Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought
you said Protestant!"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,

"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

+++++++++++++++

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I!

And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I.

Tell me, what year did you leave school?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I left in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I left from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters,

"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

++++++++++++

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
strapping young Irish lad named Sean departs from Chicago
for a vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his
wife Mary Frances the next day at the conclusion of her
business trip in New York.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice
time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix
up at the boarding gate, and Sean was told he would have
to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a
supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible
for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arriving at the hotel the next day, Sean discovered
that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather
was almost as uncomfortably hot as Chicago's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would
arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off,
and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste,
he made an error in the address. His message arrived at
the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older
husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one
took at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell
to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where
they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, departed yesterday as you know. Just now got
checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied,
received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving
husband. P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going
to be surprised at how hot it is down here!

--------------------------------------------

Q: What do you get when you cross an Irishman and a Jew?

A: An alcoholic who buys his liquor wholesale!

--------------------------------------------

Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local
tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was
a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's
cemetery.

Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and
fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He
passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized
where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis
the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"

-------------------------------

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn.

He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young
girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and
made her way to New York where before long, she became a
successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she
had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began
asking her about her work. She explained that she was an
acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing
she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with
wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the
penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without
me bloomers on!"

 

" Now tell me, Molly," said Mr. Coote to Molly Cogan, as he 
met her on the road one day, close to one of the old gateways 
of Kilmallock, "did you ever hear of the Cluricaune?" 

"Is it the CIuricaune? why, then, sure I did, often and often; 
many's the time I heard my father, rest his soul! tell about 'em." 

"But did you ever see one, Molly, yourself?" 

"Och ! no, I never see one in my life ; but my grandfather, 
that's my father's father, you know, he see one, one time, 
and caught him too." 

"Caught him! Oh ! Molly, tell me how?" 

"Why, then, I'll tell you. My grandfather, you see, was out 
there about in the bog, drawing some turf, and the poor 
old mare was tired after her day's work, and the old man 
went out to the stable to look after her, and to see if she 
was eating her hay; and when he came to the stable door 
there, my dear, he heard something hammering, hammering, 
hammering, just for all the would like a shoemaker making 
a shoe, and whistling all the time the prettiest tune he ever 
heard in his whole life before. Well, my grandfather, he 
thought it was the Cluricaune, and he said to himself, 
says he, 'I'll catch you, if I can, and then I 'll have money 
enough always.' So he opened the door very quietly, and 
didn't make a bit of noise in the world that ever was heard; 
and looked all about, but never a bit of the little man 
he could see any where, but he heard him hammering 
and whistling, and so be looked and looked, till at last he 
saw the little fellow; and where was he, do you think, but in 
the girth under the mare; and there he was with his little bit 
of an apron on him, and hammer in his hand, and a little red 
nightcap on his head, and he making a shoe; and he was 
so busy with his work, and he was hammering and whistling 
so loud, that he never minded my grandfather till he caught 
him fast in his hand. ' Faith, I have you now,' says he, ' and 
I'll never let you go till I get your purse - that's what I want, 
so give it here to me at once, now.' -' Stop, stop,' says the 
Cluricaune, ' stop, stop,' says he, ' till I get it for you.' So my 
grandfather, like a fool, you see, opened his hand a little, 
and the little fellow jumped away laughing, and he never 
saw him any more, and never the bit of the purse did he 
get, only the Cluricaune left his little shoe that he was making; 
and my grandfather was mad enough angry with himself for 
letting him go, but he had the shoe all his life, and my own 
mother told me she often see it, and had it in her hand, and 
'twas the prettiest little shoe she ever saw. 

"And did you see it yourself, Molly ?" 

"Oh, no, my dear! It was lost long afore I was born: but my 
mother told me about it often and often enough." 

One day a priest in Ireland was walking down the road and
he came upon a boy bouncing a ball and singing, "The
Protestants own all the houses, the Protestants own all
the houses!"

The priest explained to the boy that it wasn't nice to
sing such a song and upon his return he wanted to here
a different tune from the boy. Agreeing, the priest went
on his way.

Upon his return he approached the boy who was singing,
"Jesus was born in a stable, Jesus was born in a stable.".

"Now that's much better my son", exclaimed the priest as
he proceeded home.

The boy continued to sing, "Jesus was born in a stable
because the Protestants owned all the houses!"

+++++++++++

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch
of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody
in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One
man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back
up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints
of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the
pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't
mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were
gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the
street to see if I could do it first."

+++++

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin
Luther King Day?

A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone WANTS to be Irish!

+++++++++

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly
as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And
a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar in Ireland, drunk of course.
He walks down the street and approaches a nun.

Upon coming up to her, he punches her in the face. She falls
to the ground and he proceeds to kick her profusely! When he
is done he walks away a few steps, turns around and says...
"Not so invincible now, hey Batman?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland, and in no time
at all her bean soup has made her the talk of New England
society.

At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a fancy
Charles Street restaurant, an old matron goes up to Mrs.
O'Malley and says, "My dear girl, what is the secret of your
soup?"

Mrs. O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is that I use but
two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman says, "How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

Mrs. O'Malley says, "Because one more would make it too farty!"

------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery.

Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom.

Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was—and promptly shouted

"Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day-- and I'm the first one up!"

++++++++++++++++++

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy
in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the
cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time
to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple
more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over
and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you
were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you
were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son. I just don't want
any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"

------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there,
he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant
could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman
was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man
had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped
its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was
true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several
people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the
people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman
that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The
Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real
close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut
wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped
his foot twice.

Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of
disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"

------------------------------------------------------------

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor
for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well
now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if
you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell
exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor
wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't
know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs.
O'Toole, she'll know what to do."

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and
returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black
eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a
bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine
specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.'" So
I said, "Go shit in yer hat!," and the fight was on.

--------------------------------------------

An Irishman moves from Dublin to London. To help himself settle
in, he finds his new local pub and goes in for a pint or two.

He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for 3 pints of
Guinness. The bartender, assuming that the Irishman will be
joined by two of his mates any minute, pours him 3 pints of
Guinness.

The Irishman picks up the 3 pints and goes over to a table in
the corner, sets the 3 pints down around the table and takes a
sip out of his. A minute later, he reaches over for one of the
other pints and takes a sip out of it. A minute later, he reaches
for the 3rd pint and takes a sip out of it. This goes on for
half an hour until all 3 pints are gone. He picks up the empty
glasses, goes back to the bar and orders another 3 pints.

The bartender, a little confused, tells him that Guinness is
best drunk fresh and perhaps he should order them one at a time.

The Irishman looks at him for a minute and says, "Oh, I see what
you mean, but let me explain why I order them 3 at a time. You
see, I have 2 brothers - one lives in America and the other
lives in Australia, and whenever any of us go out for a pint,
we drink 3 at a time and that way, it's kind of like we're all
having a drink together."

Upon hearing this, the bartender pulls him another 3 pints and
thinks no more of it.

This goes on every night for a month, until one night, the
Irishman comes in and has a really sad look on his face and
proceeds to order just 2 pints. The bartender serves him, but
feels very badly for his new customer and after having poured
the 2 pints, goes over to the main table where the other regulars
sit. He explains to them that the Irishman has lost one of his
brothers and he thinks they should all go over and offer their
condolences. They all agree and as a group, they walk over to
the Irishmans table. The bartender says to him, "Listen Paddy,
we're all feeling a little sad for you and if there's anything
we can do, just let us know."

Upon hearing this, Paddy asks why they feel so sorry for him and
the bartender explains that since he has only ordered 2 pints
tonight and he looks a little sad, that one of his brothers must
have died.

Paddy, looking a bit puzzled, frowns for a minute, then starts
smiling and says, "Oh! I see what you mean. But don't worry,
both my brothers are just fine. The reason why I have only
ordered 2 pints tonight is that I've quit drinking."

------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy is on holidays with his girlfriend in Las Vegas. After paying a
fortune for tickets they go to a nightclub where Paddy has been assured
they'll be able to mingle with the stars. Sure enough, the place is
full of them and the conversation is very exciting. 'Hi ya, Madonna!' 'How
are you, Clint?' Far from being impressed, Paddy's girlfriend is annoyed
that Paddy doesn't know any of the stars and that nobody is interested in
talking to them.

On a visit to the toilet Paddy finds himself standing beside Frank
Sinatra. Paddy explains the problem, tells him he's been a fan ever
since 'My way' and has all his records. Would Mr Sinatra please help him out?
All he has to do is walk past Paddy's table and say, 'How ya doin'
Paddy?' For once, Frank is in a good mood and agrees.

Twenty minutes later Frank walks up to the table where Paddy and his
girlfriend are sitting and talking. 'Hey Paddy, shouts Frank.

Paddy looks up and says, 'Bugger off, Frank. Can't you see I'm talking to
my girlfriend?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Englishman, a German, an Irishman and a Scotsman were
sitting in a bar drinking, and discussing how stupid their
wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat
because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to
keep it in."

The German says, "That's nothing! My wife just spent $1,000
on ski equipment, and she can't even ski!"

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent
$17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know
how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these three women
sound like they all walked through the stupid forest and got
hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is
dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms
in there, and she doesn't even have a penis!"

--------------------------------------------

Q: How can you pick out the Irishman in the hospital?

A: He's the one brushing the suds out of his bedpan!

--------------------------------------------

An Irishman comes over from the old country, gets a job with
a demolition crew, and happily writes to his relatives in
Dublin.

"America is wonderful. I'm working with a grand bunch of
Irish boys, there's a saloon acress the street, the money
is good, and I'm tearing down a Protestant church."

++++++++++++

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, Certainly you have...Why do you ask?

Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.

++++++++

Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled

"Mick, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"

Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"

"'Tis a good thing, too -- that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.

+++++++++++++++++++++

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."

++++++++++++

"There was this Irish fellow and ..."

"Wait a minute. Why does it always have to be a Irish fellow?"

"O.K.. There was this Chinese fellow and he was at the O'Reilly wake ..."

+++++++++

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

++++++

The following Irish Humor is R-rated.  Be warned!  Leave if you think you might be offended.

Return to Humor Directory

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' +++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.' +++ Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

+++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?' +++ An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!' 

+++

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

+++ Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror

++++++

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile. ' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:

'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...'

+++++

This priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
-- all the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
-- all the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
-- half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?"
-- all the nuns stood up.

++++++++

Sonya was the typical old maid Irish woman who lived alone 
and tried to love it, concealing to herself that no man 
would ever give her the time of day. However, one morning 
she awoke to discover a severe itch in the area where the 
sun never shined and no one but herself had ever seen, 
especially no disgusting man. 

Her only true friend, Berta, from an apartment down the hall 
dropped by to ask if Sonya would like to go with her to the 
supermarket. After all, Sonya had no car, and she might 
enjoy the trip more, not having to be close to nasty men 
when riding the city bus. 

"Berta," Sonya started almost the instant she came inside, 
"this is embarrassing, but I need your opinion." 

"Sure, Sonya," Berta came back, "I'll be glad to. What is 
it?" 

"Come down to the bathroom with me," Sonya instructed as 
Berta followed behind. 

Once they arrived at the bathroom and Sonya turned on the 
light, she apologized again for her boldness, removed her 
underpants, and showed her only friend her problem. 

"What do you think it is down there driving me crazy? I have 
never itched so much in all my life!" 

Berta got down and took a look. "My God, Sonya. I hate to 
tell you, but it looks like you have crab lice." 

"Oh!" Sonya declared. "No way in this world. I have been 
nowhere or done anything to get them!" 

"Well, you asked for my opinion, and that's what it looks 
like to me. Why don't we drop by your doctor's office on 
the way to the supermarket and see what he says."

Sonya was quick to agree with that, so the two old maid 
friends were at the doctor's office, and with Sonya's 
insistence at the reception desk, she was in an examining 
room, and the doctor was checking out her private parts 
that he, himself had managed to see only once before in the 
many years Sonya had been coming to see him. 

"Well, Miss Sonya," the good doctor began, "looks like you 
have a bad case of crab lice." 

If anyone ever thought old Sonya was slow in her older days, 
that opinion would change as quickly as she left the doctor's 
office and made her way outside. 

"Bertha," Sonya began her request, "will you drive me to that 
new doctor's office. I know he's young and all that, but I 
need a second opinion!" 

Berta agreed, and they were at the other office, and Sonya was 
inside, saying she had an emergency and needed to see the doctor 
as soon as he was free to examine her. She refused to explain 
to the receptionist as to her problem, but she raised such a 
disturbance that the doctor stuck his head from around the hall 
wall and told Sonya to come on back. 

"Hate to tell you," the new doctor began, "but you do have a 
problem." 

"It can't be crab lice," Sonya still declared. "I have never 
been close to a man, never even sat down on a commode seat where 
a man had been! No way! That's why I came here for a second 
opinion." 

"Best you did," the new doctor began. "You don't have crab 
lice." 

"I knew it. Thank you, doctor for telling it like it is." 

"But what you think it is?" 

"Well, like I said," the new doctor tried one more time, "you 
don't have any crab lice. It's fruit flies. Your cherry is rotten!" 

+++++++++++++

A guy walked into a bathroom and started pissing. He looked over and saw a really little man taking a piss. The guy looked over at him and said, "Hello."

The little man said, "Hi, I'm a leprechaun!"

The guy was amazed.

The leprechaun said "I like you. I am going to grant you 3 wishes."

The guy was skeptical but he decided to go along with it. The guy said,
"Okay, I want a big house."

The leprechaun said, "When you return home, you will have a huge
mansion!"

The guy said, "And then I want a beautiful woman for my own."

The leprechaun said, "I will give you a woman so wonderful you will
never look at anyone else."

The guy didn't know what to wish for 3rd. He looked over and saw the
size of this leprechaun's dick. It was huge. He said "Okay, my third
wish is to have a big dick as big as yours."

The leprechaun said, "I'll give it to you if you let me screw you up the butt."

The guy didn't want to, but he really wanted a big dick. So the two were tearing it up! All the sudden the guy yelled out, "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me up the butt!"

Then the leprechaun said, "I can't believe you think I am a leprechaun."

**************
 

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One
evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, he won the
contest held to see who could deliver the best toast of the
evening. His prize-winning toast: "Here's To The Best
Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When he arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how
the Toast Masters meeting went. He said, "I won the contest
for the best toast of the evening, and here is my toast." He
then recited "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in
Church wi' me Wife." 

She said "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning she was downtown shopping and ran into
the local policeman on the beat who had also been at the Toast
Masters meeting with her husband. He said "Mrs. O'Riley, that
was a great toast your husband gave last night. He won first
prize with it, y'know."

"Oh yes, I know for sure," said Mrs. O'Riley. "But I must tell
you he wasn't quite honest with the facts. Truth is, he's only
been there twice. The first time he fell asleep and the
second time I had to pull him out by his ears.”

+++++++++=

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. Things got out of hand, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

++++++++

An Englishman, a German, a Scotsman and an Irishman were
sitting in a bar drinking, and discussing how stupid their
wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last
week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat
because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to
keep it in."

The German says, "That's nothing! My wife just spent $1,000
on ski equipment, and she can't even ski!"

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent
$17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know
how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these three women
sound like they all walked through the stupid forest and got
hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is
dumber.

"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her
packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms
in there, and she doesn't even have a penis!"

++++++++++

An Irish girl finally got her fiance to the altar two weeks
before Easter. On their wedding night, she put on a very
short, sexy nightgown and crawled into bed. But her husband
didn’t respond.

"What’s wrong?" she asked.

"I...I can’t make love," he answered. "It’s Lent."

"Lent?" she shouted. "To whom and for how long?"

+++++++++++

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. They go directly over to the bird
section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes over and
asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies
in dat cage op dere," saya Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk puts the budgies in a bag, and the two guys pay for the
birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until
they are high up on a hill, and stop at the top of the cliff with a
500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge
and goes straight down for a few seconds before he hits the rocks
below with a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks down he shakes his head and says,
"Feck dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too feckin' dangerous for me." 

A minute 
later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag,
and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carring a
gun. "Hi Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the
parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another
'SPLAT!' and his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy shakes his
head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

A few minutes later after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He
too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carring the now familiar
'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag,
and launches him self off the cliff with the usual result. Once more
Paddy shakes his head "F*ck me Sean! First der was Gerry wit his
budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you feckin' hen
glidin..."

++++++++

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.

Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right on the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out "......... D D D D De... Derry!!"

-----------------------

A couple are at an Art exhibition and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback.

The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple are looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have a black penis."

The Irish artist says "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They are not African men, they are Irish coal miners, and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mick and Paddy were driving late one night along a decrepid
country lane, when Paddy shouts, "STAP, STAP."

So Mick slams the brakes on his car. There's a sheep with its
head caught in the wire fence and its struggling to break free.

Mick looks to Paddy in the passenger seat and Paddy shouts
excitedly, "Mick, this is too good an oportunity to miss!!"
and quickly jumps out of the car, whips down his pants and
starts to shag this poor sheep.

Five minutes later he pulls up his trousers and shouts over to
his friend, "Right Mick, its your go!"

Mick walks over, looks at the sheep with his head stuck in the
fence and remarks, "Fuck off Paddy, my head will never fit
through that fence!"
------------------------

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped on the bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping forwards or backwards, she slipped
over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She
yelled out for her husband Paddy.

"Paddy! Paddy!" she yelled.

Paddy came running in, "Paddy, Oi've suctioned meself to the
floor," she said.

"Ohhh bejasus!" Paddy said and tried to pull her up. "You're
just too heavy lass, Oi'll go across the road and get Murphy"
(his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "Nope, Oi
cannot do it," Murphy said, "Lets try Plan C."

"Plan C?" exclaimed Paddy, "What's dat den"?

"Oi'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break
the tiles under her."

"All roight," Paddy said, "while your doing dat Oi'll stay here
and play with her tits".

"Play with her tits?" Murphy said, "Why would you be wanting
to do dat then"?

Paddy replied "Well Oi figure if Oi can get her wet enough we
can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so
expensive to replace!"

----------------------------------- 

Return to Humor Directory

Ethnic:

Australian   Black   British   Canadian   Chinese   French   German     Italian   Japanese   Jewish   Latino   Middle-East   Philippine   Polish   Scotch