An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine, says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches h is head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represent s a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along ana poopa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea da one hundred. So, whenna I start?

+++++

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,

'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that ?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, Tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.' Gennaro gasps,

'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

++++

"Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box." Italian proverb

+++

Dear Consumas:

It has come to our attention dat a coupula copies of the
WINDAS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped
outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a deese, you may need some
help understandin' da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin'
screen. It reads:

"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy,
stringy" music, you hear da teme from "da Godfadda." It is
also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note:

-Recycle Bin is labeled: Staten Island
-My Computer is called: My Friggin' Computa
-Inbox is referred to as: Da Trunk
-Deleted Items are called: Whacked, Erased, or Rubbed Out
-Dial up Networking goes by: Da Bar
-Control Panel is known as: Da Bosses
-Performin' an "illegal
operation" is known as: Enhancin' the family business
and will actually maximize
WINDAS 98/BROOKLYN EDITION
program instead of shuttin'
it down.
-Hard Drive is known as: Da BQE at Rush Hour
-Error messages read: You ain't gonna friggin'
believe dis!"

OTHER CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:

-OK..........Sure ting
-Cancel......Fugetaboutit
-Reset.......Start Ova
-Yes.........Yeah
-No..........Nah
-Find........Put a contract out on
-Browse......Get a looksee
-Back........U-Toin
-Help........(Help ain't available - youz don't need no
friggin' help)
-Stop........Knock it off
-Start.......Move it!
-Settings....Here's da Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN
EDITION platform don't recognize da letta "R."

Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS
98:

Typa..........A word processin' program
Printa........Printer
Calculata.....Calculator
Solitaire.....Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received
a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version. Youse got a problem wit dat?

++++++++++

This Italian guy is bragging to his friend about his sons:
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son, he maka fifty thousand dollar
a year! Hesa engineer!"

"I'ma even more prouda my second son, he maka five hundred
thousand dollar a year, hesa doctor!"

"But I'ma da proudest a my youngest son, he maka five million
dollar a year, hesa sportsmechanic!"

His friend asks, "What's a sportsmechanic?"

The Italian says, "He can fixa everytin, he fixa da horseraces,
he fixa da boxin matcha,..."

+++++++

Q: Why won’t there ever be an Italian president?

A: They’ll never find enough plastic slip covers for the
furniture in the White House!

+++

Q: Why do Italians and Jews get along?

A: Because the Italians invented the toilet seat and the
Jews invented the hole.

+++++++++

Back in the 60's, when the birth control pill was being debated by clergy 
everywhere, the Pope called a meeting and public appearance at the Vatican. 
Thousands of Italians attended and were in awe as the Pope took his place. 

"You no-a cheat on-a your Husband or wife!" the Pope yelled.

"We no-a cheat on-a our husband or wife!" the rapt crowd chanted.

"You no-a have sex-a before marriage!" the Pope screamed. 

"We no-a have sex-a before marriage!" the crowd responded. 

"You no-a take-a da pill!" the Pope shouted. 

One large Italian woman, surrounded by 9 children, yelled, "'ey! You no
play-a da game, you no make-a da rules!" 

+++++

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such
wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth
and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren!" and <poof!> she's
gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna!" and <poof!> she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini!"

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name isn't on
our list."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. "Look, she says. I want to be Sarah Pipalini!"

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says, "Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

++++++++

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very
lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and
smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian
woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100
an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator
and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman
and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached
her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she
leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends
over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound, Bertucci's
Market!"

++++++++++ 

Hickory dickory dock...
two Dagos climbed up a clock,

The clock struck one...
but the other sonovabitch got away.

+++++++++

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping 
floors in a pizzaria, and after 15 years works his way up 
to owning a small chain of pizzarias. 

He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. 
And it is going to have everything! 

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Makea 
you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I 
wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even 
da bathroom." 

The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious 
person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally 
searches for the perfect statue for each niche. 

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through 
his new home for the first time. The contractor points out 
all the features, and finally the Italian man says, "But 
wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues!" 

And the contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a 
statue in every room, like you asked." 

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da 
Saintas. I wanna da Halo Statues! You knowa da Halo Statues? 
Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat 
you?" 

++++++

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, 
the stick pig and the brick pig. 

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pigs house 
and said, "I'm gonna huff, and puff and blow your house 
down." And he did! 

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house 
and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my 
house!!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in. 

Then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff 
and blow your house down!" And he did! 

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the 
brick pig's house and said "Let us in! The wolf just blew 
down our houses and we're scared!!!" So the brick pig let 
them in. 

The wolf caught up with them and said "I'm gonna huff, and 
puff and blow your house down." While he was huffing and 
puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! 
But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. 
A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black 
stretch limo drove up. 

Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras. 
These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by 
the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then, one of 
them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf's mouth. Then 
they left the wolf dead, got back into their limo and drove 
off. The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They 
asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys? 

And the brick pig said "Oh, those are my cousins...the 
Guinea Pigs." 

+++++++

Q: Have you heard about the new Italian wrist watch? 

A: You sit around and watch the Dago bye! 

+++++++

Q: Do you know why Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Italians don't like any witnesses!

+++++++

Q: What did the barber say to the Italian kid?

A: You wanna you hair cut, or shoulda I justa change da oil?

+++++++

Q: Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?

A: "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"

+++++++++
 

After WW II, there was a crush of immigration 
from Europe to the USA. One Italian, Luigi, obtained 
passage on a steamer after months of waiting, and 
his entire village went down to the pier to see him 
off, telling him how lucky he was, going to live in 
the land of opportunity. 

In six months, Luigi was back, disgusted and 
disappointed. His friends all told him, "Luigi, you 
crazy, why you come back?" 

"Bah, America nothin' but SEX, SEX, and MORE 
sex!, Luigi griped......all day long, Sex! In the 
news-papers, onna th' radio, inna the movies, 
onna the billboards, all you see is SEX. It'sa 
disgusting! Why, even the ship, it sail into New 

York, the band on the dock is'a playin', an' 
whadda you 'tink they play?" 

"Yanka-my-Doodle, She's a Dandy!!!!!". 

++++++

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said
Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around." 

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail." "Jail!"
exclaimed Luigi. 

"What for you been in jail?" 

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops
come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi 
countered. 

It so happened that Myron and Vinnie came of age at the same
time. From his father, Vinnie received a brand new handgun,
while at his bar mitzvah, Myron's father strapped a beautiful
gold watch on his wrist.

The next day Vinnie was full of admiration for the watch,
while Myron was consumed with envy after one glance at the
pistol. So the two friends decided to trade gifts.

That night when Vinnie checked to see whether it was dinner
time, his father asked, "Where'd you getta dat watch?"

After he heard the story he exploded at his son. "Whatsa
matta for you? Here I ama thinkin you gotta some brains in
you head! Onea day, you gonna get married. Den maybe you
find your wife in bed wit another guy. An whatta you gonna
do then? Look atta you watch and say, 'How long you gonna
be?'"

+++++++++

Dear Ann Landers:

I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy. My family lives in Albany
and my brother-in-law is a Dago living in Flint, Michigan.

My parents are disabled and unable to work. They depend
on my two sisters who are prostitutes in Louisville,
Kentucky. My only brother is serving a life sentence for
rape and burglary.

I'm in love with a black woman who is a prostitute. She
solicits around the Navy dock. She says she loves me, but
knows nothing about my family background. We intend to be
married as soon as her bigamy case is settled. Me being
white does not bother her a bit.

When I get out of the Navy, we will open a house of
prostitution in Detroit. My two sisters will help,
thereby keeping the business in the family.

My problem is this, Miss Landers: due to the fact that
I will marry this girl and bring her into the family,
shall I tell her about my brother in law being a Dago?

+++++++

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new
bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood
barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everathing wasa perfect, cept for da traina
ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My
beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with
vino and cigars for a me, and a we were lookina forward
to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened
up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged hisa
finger at us and a say, 'No eat in disa car. Musta usea
dining car'."

"So, mea and my beautifula Virginia, we go to dining car,
eata biga lunch, and begin to opena bottle of vino. Da
conductor come again, wag hisa finger and say, 'No drinka
in disa car. Musta usea da club car'."

"So we go toa da club car. Whilea drinking vino, I starta
to lighta my biga cigar. The conductor, he waga his finger
again and say, 'No smokin ina disa car. You musta go to
da smoker car'."

"We go toa da smoker car and I smokea my cigar. Later, my
beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car anda go
to bed. We just about to havea sex and the conductor comes
through da car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA'!"

"Nexta time, I'm gonna driva down!"

+++++

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?

A speech impediment.

+++

Q: Do you know why most Italians are named Tony?

A: When they came over from the old country, I.N.S. stamped
'TO.N.Y.' on their head, which indicated 'To New York!'

+++

Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English
was not very good. His wife had a bad case of crabs in her
pubic hair, so Tony went to the drug store and asked the clerk,
"My wife, she has a bugs in the bush".

The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and
gave Tony a bottle of insecticide and told him to use one
tablespoon per gallon and spray the bushes and that would get
rid of the bugs.

Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in
her pubic hair was so bad, he would spray it on straight out
of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk
ask him, "How are the bugs in the bush doing?" Tony said, "The
bugs, they are gone, my wife's bush is all gone, too. By the
way did you hear about my neighbor Joe?". "He had a beautiful
mustache and it all fell out and do you know Joe up and died
last week. My wife she is very sad about Joe dying."

+++++++++

Q: Why did the Italian cut holes in his pockets?

A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

+++

Q: What's green, blue, yellow, red, purple and orange?

A: An Italian all dressed up!

+++++++++

The New York Mafia hires a deaf-mute man to collect its protection money, figuring he can't sing if he gets caught. In his first week the collector picks up more than $50,000. The second week he stashes the money and tries to leave town, but the Mafia guys catch him and use an interpreter to grill him.

"Ask him where the money is," says the don, and the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The collector signs, "I don't know what you're talking about," and the interpreter says, "He don't know what you're talking about."

The don then pulls out a .38 and puts it in the deaf guy's ear.

"Now ask him where the money is."

The deaf man signs frantically, "It's in Central Park, in the third tree stump on the left from the West 81st Street entrance."

The interpreter says, "He says he still don't know what you're talking about, and that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Q: What's the definition of Bigamist?

A: A foggy day in Italy.

+++

Vinnie Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy, was
excited about being accepted at Harvard University.
On his first day on campus, he was walking around
looking for the library.

He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked
up to him and said, "Hey piasano, coulda you tella
me where isa da library at?"

The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never
end sentences with a preposition. Would you like
to rephrase that question?"

"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian.
"Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa
asshole?"

+++++++++++

An American attorney had just finished a guest
lecture at a Law School in Italy, when an Italian
lawyer approached him.

The Italian lawyer asked, "Is it true, that a person
can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then
sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner
and started speaking rapidly in Italian. His partner
grinned and began nodding vigorously...

When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they
wanted to move to America to practice law?

"No, no," one replied. "We want to move to America to fall
down on sidewalks!"

+++++++++++++

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get
separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of
curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. 

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of
curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband." 

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of
curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split." 

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my tony, he
pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split.

+++++++++
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into
the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what did
you learn in school today?"

Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and
vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."

Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran
up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and
said, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"

Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned
in school today. He started talking about sex, and
penises, and masturbation!"

Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn.
It's called sex education!"

Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she
went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his bedroom
door she found him on his bed masturbating. Without a
blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished with
your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."

+++++ 

Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.

Angelina says: "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'
always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on
top. I just canna taka dis anymore."

The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi. "Giuseppi, isa dis
true.You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?
What you gotta say fora yourself?"

Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and,
yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy. My poppa, he'sa very smarta man. I always follow ev'ryting he say. My poppa one day he says, Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up."

**************

A little Italian kid was helping the construction crew build
a house next door to his. He was acting just like the crewmen,
swinging his little plastic tools around and swearing up a 
storm just like them. His mother wasn't too pleased when she
came to get him for lunch and overheard the kid saying loudly,
"Fuckin' shit, pass me another goddamn nail." 

His mother grabbed him by the hand, pulled him inside the house, and said,
"Guisseppe, I'm warning you - if you're papa ever hears you 
talking like that, you're gonna be plenty sorry."

Hearing of Guisseppe misbehavior on his return home from 
work, the father said, "Son, I've got to teach you a lesson.
Go out in the back and get me a switch."

"Fuck you," said Guisseppe, "that's the electrician's job!"

++++++++++

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father 
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why youa such a fatta fuck?"

Tony says, "Poppa, itsa Mama's spaghetti! I can't stopa 
eating it."

Poppa says, "You shoulda takea smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why youa such 
a fatta fuck?"

Michael says, "Poppa, itsa Mama's lasagna! I can't stopa 
eating it, itsa so good."

Poppa says, "You shoulda also takea smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How youa stay 
so slima and trima?"

Fredo says, "Itsa so easy, Poppa. I eata lots and lots 
ofa pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, dat taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, you shoulda takea smaller bites!!

++++++++


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride,
Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say
hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep."

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a
Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me,
and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a
hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, "No eat in
dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car."

So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a
lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag
his'a finger and say, "No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a
car."

So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my
big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No
smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car."

We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to
bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through
car yelling, "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA

***************

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular
Scandinavian-looking young blonde. Things progressed to the
point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after
some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude,
he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love
making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there
were screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the
young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"

And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him,
the young man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his
strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously
-- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. The
exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to
turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and
says, "Now you finish?"

"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

+++++++++

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