In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most
embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most
carefully planned of foreign trips. Along with her husband,
then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor
Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation
an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the
Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional
"Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented
Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?"
asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied,
"No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."

Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.....

+++++++++

"There is no medicine for stupidity." Japanese saying 

"If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things, this moment is the best moment of your life." Zen proverb

"Fish live in streams Birds nest in trees Human beings dwell In warm hearts." Japanese folk saying 

"Just sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself." Zen proverb 

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." Japanese proverb

"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark." Zen proverb 

"The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." Japanese proverb

+++

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the
Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially
important deal and it was imperative that he make the best
possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he
awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large
volumes.

Additionally, the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think?

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need
to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions,
he sought a physician's aid. After a full examination, the
doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with
him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being un-
willing to accept this state of affairs he visited a second
and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing.
Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well,
although he could not see how a dentist any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked
the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess
makes the fart go Honda!"

++++++++++++++++

How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, "Excuse it, please."

He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"

He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;

He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."

--Ogden Nash

+++++++++++

Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon
dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.

The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant
news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the
other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more
information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing
it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces
her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with
a foreigner of the Jewish faith".

She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such meshugas?"

++++++++++++

Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown
into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter
of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins
to sputter and fail.

What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates?
Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something
much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys
permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them
are from New York!

The decline has begun.

Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to
the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For
every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers.
In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners
to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already,
an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied
for permission to open practices in Japan.

If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence
of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of
trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

++++++++++++++

The Japanese people fascinate me. I've always loved their
company. I don't know what I'd do without Sony.

Well, not just Sony, but other Japanese companies, too.
Their products are so reliable, so durable. And if you don't
believe me, just ask Julia Childs. She has never had the
slightest problem with her Sony sundial. It's almost as
reliable as her Toshiba butter churner. (Slogan: "More fun
than milking the cows.")

But here's what's truly amazing: The Japanese don't just
make long-lasting products, they also make long-lasting
people. Centenarians who survived not just World War II and
the atomic bomb, but also 25 appearances by Godzilla.

Partly because of their diet, the Japanese have the longest life
expectancy in the world. The average man lives to 78,
average woman to 85. It almost makes me want to run out and
eat a bucket of raw fish. But before I commit to that much
sushi, I need some kind of guarantee. I'm not giving up
cooked food for nothing.

Whatever I eat, I don't expect to live as long as Kamato
Hongo. The Japanese woman recently turned 115 and is the
world's oldest person. She's so old, she was around when
Albert Einstein was still figuring out, all by himself, how
to comb his hair.

What's the secret to her longevity? According to her
daughter, it's the variety in her diet. She enjoys pork, raw
fish, rice wine and green tea. If only I had known this
earlier. I wouldn't have drank so much black tea. From now
on, instead of my regular heaping of sugar, I'm adding two
tablespoons of seaweed. The greener, the better.

Hongo slept right through her recent birthday, perhaps
because she follows an un! usual cycle: she sleeps two days
and stays awake two days. She's been alive for 115 years,
but apparently awake for only 58. I wonder how much she
remembers.

Reporter: "Do you remember when India and Pakistan were at
peace with each other?"

Hongo: "At peace with each other? Oh my goodness. I sleep
two days and look what I miss."

It must be nice to sleep that long. And how can you fault
her? When you're 115, sleeping is the most exciting thing
you can do. You spend all day just dreaming about it.

Of course, you may also enjoy chatting with your
grandchildren, who have lots of time to visit you because
they're also retired. You reminisce about the first time
they were in diapers. "I'm not changing you this time," you
say.

When they complain about the price of gas, you say, "You
youngsters are lucky. When I was young, the only time we
complained about gas was when the horses ate beans."

If Hongo fe! els like reminiscing about the 19th century, she
may want to get together with her compatriot Yukichi
Chuganji, 113, the world's oldest man. As long as they can
coordinate their sleep cycles.

Chuganji: "Can we meet Wednesday or Thursday?"

Hongo: "Sorry, I'll be asleep those days. What about Friday
or Saturday?"

Chuganji: "I'll be sleeping Friday, but I'll try to set my
alarm for Saturday. Shall we go to sushi buffet?"

Hongo: "No, I'd rather not meet in public. What would people
think if they saw me with a younger man?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one
Japanese and one American, were on their way to an inter-
national business conference when they were kidnapped by
terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of
the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and
you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first. "Before I die, I want to honor
my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God
Save The Queen" to all you men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before
I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country
by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese
style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is your last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so
I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese
style of industrial management!"

++++++++++

You won't believe this!

According to a Japanese report, the Japanese government
secretly set up and run brothels for US armies after the
War. They are proud of the result of spreading social
diseases among US soldiers.

That's OK - we're sending them hundreds of attorneys
to help them build their litigation system.
That ought to constipate them for years to come.

Thanks for the entertainment, Nip-issan!

+++++++++++

When it gets cold outside you can describe the weather as
a, "bit Pearl Harbor outside!"

When someone asks what you mean, you can tell them, "You
know...there's a nip in the air!"

++++++++++

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip,
but he hates Japanese food. So he asks the concierge at
his hotel if there's any place around where he can get
American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck,
there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and
he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door
with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What
the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Most honrable sir,
we put on the pizza exactry what you order: peppa only!"

+++++++

Q: How can you tell if a Jap has burglarized your house?

A: Your cat's gone and your all homework is done.

++++++++

According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

++++++++

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental
fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries. The
blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You
like soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental
friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the
United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford
English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned
to his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"

+++++++

Q: What do little Japanese kids eat after school?

A: Milk and gookies.

++++++++

A Russian, a Cuban, a Hawaiian, and a Japanese were stranded
on a raft after their ship went down. The Russian pulled
out a vodka bottle and took a sip and threw it over the
side. The Hawaiian asked him why he did that. The Russian
said, "In my country, we have plenty of vodka."

The Cuban took out a cigar, lit it, took a puff, and threw
it over the side. The Hawaiian asked him why he did that.
The Cuban said, "In my country, we have a many fine cigars."

So the Hawaiian picked up the Japanese and threw him over
the side, saying, "Our islands are full of them!"

++++++

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive
industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a
truck at the Ford plant. It read, "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"

***********

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest
and room-service at a fine Japanese hotel.

Room Service (RS): Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest (G): Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

RS: Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh, yes . . . I'd like some bacon and eggs.

RS: Ow July den?
G: What?

RS: Ow July den? Pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.

RS: Ow July dee bayhcem--crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.

RS: Hokay. An san tos?
G: What?

RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I don't think so

RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
"judo one toes means."

RS: Toes! toes! Why djew don juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast."
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RS: We bother?
G: No, just put the bother on the side.

RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter--just put it on the side.

RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?

RS: Copy, tea, mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh,
and copy--rye?
G: Whatever you say.

RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G: You're welcome.

++++++++++++=

The Japanese are sending over a few cases of Viagra to
America.

They were told that the Americans continue to have trouble
with their elections.

+++++++++

JAPANESE BANKING HEADLINES

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded,
we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai
Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank
is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

+++++++++

A man walks into a Japanese restaurant but is told by the
maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait
and would he like to wait in the bar.

He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles
and says, "Once upon time, there were four little pigs..."

++++++++

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged
in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular
business district in the Philippines. As he stepped out
of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and
requested his destination to be the Manila Hotel.

As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the
main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.
Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from
the main junction. The Japanese remarked, "Mmmm, Honda!
Made in Japan, velli powerful, velli fast!!"

Some distance later, a white executive sedan whooshed
pass along side the cab at a high cruising speed. "Ahhh,
Toyota! Also made in Japan, velli fast, also velli good!"
The cab driver upon hearing the comments, looked thru the
rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud
attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming
fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it. "Mmmm,
Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also velli good, velli fast!"

It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the
cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab driver
stared at the meter and proclaimed, "That will be $239.40,
sir!"

"Nan desu-ka! What?" the Jap was astonished. "The airport
velli near to hotel."

"Excuse me, Hop-Sing, this meter is an NEC. It's made in
Japan, velli, velli good and velli, velli fast!"

+++++++++

This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products
and their standards:

They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the
computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in
Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they
stated that they will only accept three defective parts
per 10,000.

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter.
It said, "We Japanese had a hard time understanding North
American business practices. But the three defective
parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and
have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases
you."

------------------------------------------------------------

Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner
was an Oriental man dressed in the robes of one of
the Far Eastern countries. The blowhard, attempting
to make conversation, leaned over and said, "You like
soupee?"

The Oriental fellow nodded his head.

"You like steakee?"

The Oriental nodded again.

As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner
was our Oriental friend who got up and delivered a
beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations'
definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by
underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech
was flawless in Oxford English.

He returned to his place at the head of the table,
sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said,
"You like speechee?"

--------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Japanese funeral?

A: Jap-in-the-box!

--------------------------------------------

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on
the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese
and asked, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"

The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry, but I don't
understand what you mean."

The American repeated, "What kind of 'ese' are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, loudly repeated, "Jeez,
how tough is this -- what kind of 'ESE' are you? Are
you ChinESE or JapanESE or VietnamESE?

The Japanese gentleman replied, "Oh, I see what you mean.
I'm Japanese."

"Well, OK, now we're getting somewhere," the American
said.

A little while later, the Japanese man asked, "Excuse me,
but what kind of 'key' are you?"

"What? What the hell do you mean?" the irritated American
answered.

"You know, a monKEY or a donKEY or just a typical YanKEE?"

-----------------------

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one
day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The
American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear,
his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a
telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the
other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American
technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and
one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great
stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they
hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side
and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German.
When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has
the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my
tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my
spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it,
the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes.
The German and the American look at each other and then
walk over and peek into the bushes. In the middle of the
bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants
down around his ankles.

"What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax!"

--------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a Japanese boxer whose father has diarrhea?

A: A slap happy Jappy with a crappy pappy!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to
get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing
his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they
were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and
said, "that'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen

and walks out with $72.

Next week he walks in with 2000 yen,

but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this

week than last week.

The lady says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"