*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. 

+++ 

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

+++ 

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

 +++ 

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 

+++ 

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? 

A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'. 

+++ 

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! 

+++ 

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 

A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 

+++ 

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" 

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." 

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" 

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 

+++

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. 

She asks, "What part is it?" 

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 

+++

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 

A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 

+++ 

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." 

+++ 

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 

+++ 

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? 

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off. 

+++

When George W. Bush was President he calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they find out everything." 

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works. So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers "Nu,Vus Tutzuch?"

 The old guy whispers back, "Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?" 

++++

The first Jewish woman president-elect calls her mother

and invites her to the inauguration.

"I don't know," says her mother. "What would I wear?"

"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."

"But I only eat kosher food."

"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get

you kosher food."

"But how will I get there?"

"I'll send a limo; just come Mama."

"OK, OK, if it makes you happy."

The great day comes, and Mama is seated between

the Supreme Court justices and the future Cabinet

members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.

"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?

Her brother's a doctor."

++++++++++++++++++++++++=

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he

really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees

a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him

which is an absolute perfect fit. When he asks how

much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off:

"No, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor?

Maybe when you're giving one of your big shot goyisha

sermons, you could mention-in passing of course-a little

something about how you love your nice robe because it

fits so well, and how it's made of such fine cloth, and

how it was prepared by Finkelstein the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's

robe every time he preaches. Some months later, he is

wandering through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's

shop. He is amazed to see a huge line of people waiting for

Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd

to speak with Finkelstein himself.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business,"

gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

"We could talk," replies Jesus. "Maybe we'll call it Jesus &

Finkelstein."

"No, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus."

The two of them argue for some time about the name.

Finally, they come to a compromise.

"OK, OK" Jesus says, " Lord & Taylor it is."

++++++++++++++++++++

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be
executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last
meal.

The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and
then taken away.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served
and also taken away.

The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors
are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"But they are out of season!"

"I'll wait..."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

When G-d offered his tablet of commandments
to the world. He first approached the Italians.
"What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not kill." The Italians
said, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next He offered it to the Romanians. "What
commandments do you offer?" they said. He
answered, "Thou shalt not steal." The Romanians
said, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next He offered them to the French. "What
commandments do you offer?" they asked.
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," said the French.

Finally, He approached the Jews. "How much?"
they asked. "It's free," G-d answered.

"We'll take ten of them!"

+++++++++++++++++++++

A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather

in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely

full so they have to put him in a Catholic home.

After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to

visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and

respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was

the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the

residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't

played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls

him 'Maestro'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't

been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still

call him 'Doctor'!"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still

call me 'the F_____g Jew'."

A comedian was going into his favorite joke, "One day,
Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..." when a heckler
from the audience interrupted.

"Moskowitz and Finkelstein! why does it always have to be
two Jews? Can't you tell a joke with any other nationalities
involved!? Why don't you make them Chinese for a change?"

The comedian rejoined, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend.
How about this: One day, Lee Ho and Mao Chen were on their
way to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Lee Ho's
nephew..."

===========

Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home
for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father,
"Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and
I want to get married, and we'd like your blessing."

Arthur's father practically exploded, his face
turned red, and was literally speechless for ten
minutes. When he finally regained his composure,
he replied,

"Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!!! For
Christ's sake, Arthur... He's... He's Jewish!"

++++++ 

Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy
children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a
difficult time finding an apartment to live in.

Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected
to such a large family. After several days of unsuccessful
searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children
to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find
an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place
that was just right.

The landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do
you have?"

Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their
dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment!

------------------------------------------------------------

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday
dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the
Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man
was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the
Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. If
you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a
small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and
tasting it gingerly. Liking it, he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts
of the matzoh?"

------------------------------------------------------------




Sadie's husband Jacob had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his
bedside day and night. One night, Jacob comes to and motions
for her to come closer.

"My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times,"
he says.

"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what, Sadie?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"Oy, I think you're bad luck!"

--------------------------------------------

Q: Why do Jewish men die 5 years before their wives?.

A: They want to!

--------------------------------------------

Q: How do Jewish couples change positions?

A: The man does the dishes while the woman reads the
paper and farts!

--------------------------------------------

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun

advertised for a new Chief Samurai.

After a year, only three candidates applied for the
job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish man.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny

box and released a fly. He drew his samurai
sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided

in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,

show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped

forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew

his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The
fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How can you

hope to top that, Number Three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a

tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword

and Swoooooosh! He flourished his sword so
mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of

skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai.
"Dead is easy. Circumcision ......THAT takes skill!"

-----------------------

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" Bee #1 asks.

"Not too good," says Bee #2. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough
flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the
corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty
of flowers and fruit."

Bee #2 buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was
the bar mitzvah?" asks Bee #1.

"Great!" says Bee #2.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was
a wasp."

------------------------------------------------------------

Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine
olive oil, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for
five minutes."

The Frenchman next said, "I smoothed sweet butter on my
wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed
for half an hour."

The Jewish guy says, "I covered my wife's body with
schmaltz [chicken fat]. We made love and she screamed
for six hours."

The other two asked, "Six hours? How did you make her
scream for six hours?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I wiped my hands on
the drapes!

------------------------------------------------------------