A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy 'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.

'I go to the Catholic church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? ' 'I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.' So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a CATHOLIC and a PRESBYTERIAN!!

++++

 Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

+++++++

One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked,
"Mom, where did I come from?"

My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure.
She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So,
she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the
beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how
a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story,
Rita's eyes got wider and wider.

When She was finished, Little Rita said "Wow, that's really neat.
That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came
from Pennsylvania."

+++++++

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before
Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in
expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends,
naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy,
Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts
and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit
salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the
Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his
mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't
he know that I'm lying?"

++++++++++

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when............

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

+++++++++++

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as
winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally
had gotten her boots.

"Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get
them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of
them!"

+++++++++++

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children
entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly
around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that
they pretended nothing was happening and kept the
conversation going.

The guests co-operated and also continued as if nothing
extraordinary was happening. After going all the way
around the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of
silence at the table, during which one child was heard
to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

+++++++++++

Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and
bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.

"Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a
duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of
weapons."

"Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair."

"I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

++++++++++

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale
next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses--will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly
side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one
that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate
than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the
next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician
enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the
back of the refrigerator.

10.Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically
increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and
curlers.

===============

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister."

"I do?" questions the confused youngster.

"Sure," responds the dad, "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

+++++

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up!"

++++++++

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"

The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."

++++++++

A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began
to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water won't work," he replied.

++++++++

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally elective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly erbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

he food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

 You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative over-seer building.

++++++++

A Sunday school teacher was teaching his class of
3 to 6 year olds. He asks, 'Can anyone tell me where
God lives?' A little boy raises his hand.

Teacher: So where do you think God lives?

Boy: He lives in my bathroom.

Teacher: And what makes you think God lives in
your bathroom?

Boy: Because, every morning my dad goes to the
bathroom and says, 'MY GOD ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'

+++++++

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....

'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No. You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO!' If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'D! ! aaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'

+++++++++

Joey had been to a birthday party at a friend's house.
Knowing Joey's sweet tooth his mother looked straight
into his eyes and scolded, "I hope you didn't ask for a
second piece of cake."

"No," replied Joey. "I only asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe
so you could make some like it, and she gave me two
more pieces of her own accord."

++++

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table
when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on,
Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork
at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained
Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

+++++

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?"

Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

+++++++++

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear him say, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

++++

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children,so she asked if he would speak with her boys.The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning,with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.When his older brother found him in the closet,he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

A group of young children were sitting in a circle with
their teacher. She was going around in turn asking
them all questions.

'Davy, what noise does a cow make?'
'It goes moo.'

'Alice, what noise does a cat make?'
'It goes meow.'

'Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?'
'It goes baaa.'

'Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?'
'Errr.., it goes.. click!'

+++++

Children

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing
the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it. -
Chinese Proverb.

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me.

Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

********

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other?

The first kid leans over and asked,
"What are you in here for?"

The second little guy says,
"I'm in here to get my tonsils
out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said, "You've got nothing
to worry about, I had that done a year ago.
They put you to sleep and when you wake
up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's great!"

The second kid then asked, "How 'bout you?
What are you in here for?"

The first little fella says, "Well, I'm
here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done
when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

---------------------------------------------

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied,
"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the
shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."

***********

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their
hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed
and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies
peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I
fear," carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up,
"But awful s-m-a-r-t!".

***************

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "And what does the pig say?"

Child: "Oink, Oink."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in Her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser"

++++++++=

Little Johnny and Little Suzy were playing one day in the sand box, when all of a sudden little Johnny had to pee. Too embarrassed to say he had to pee in front of little Suzy, he tried to think of what his mother would do in this situation. Thinking he was quite clever he looked up and told Suzy, "I have to go powder my nose," and off he went to relieve himself.

Upon returning, little Suzy asked him if everything went okay powdering his nose. He said everything was fine. "Well," she said, with a funny look on her face, "you better close you compact, because your lipstick is sticking out."

++++++

KIDS BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

1) You're Different -- And That's Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad's New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from
Your Nose

++++++++

There was a Queen Sized lady at the lake this weekend. Her
bosoms were about to pop out of her bathing suit when a
boat came by and knocked her under. She came back up
and was knocked down again, and everyone noticed that
her top was around her ankles.

She finally regained her footing, and as she was putting
everything back into place, you could hear this little boy
saying, "Ma'am, if you're trying to drown those puppies,
I'll take the fat one with the brown nose..."

++++++++++++++

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the
other four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from
the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The
cashier asks,
"Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old shakes his head and replies,
"Nope, not for my Mom."

The cashier tries again.
"Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year-old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier is really curious now. "If they're not for
your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says,
"They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks,
"Your little brother right here??"

The nine-year-old explains, "Well, yeah! They say on
TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a
bike, and my little brother can't do either!"

+++++++++++++

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'
and add 'es'."

+++++++++++++

Two little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little
boy says,
"My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings."

Then Little Johnny, not to be outdone responds,
"My Dad can blow smoke out of his ass."

“Really, have you seen it?" replies the boy.

Little Johnny responds,
"No, but I've seen the tobacco stains in his underwear."

+++++++++++++

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were
excessively mischievous. They were always getting
into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief
occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked
if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman
agreed but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning,
with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice,
sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no
response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open,
wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question
in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the
clergyman raised his voice even more and shook
his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming
the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet,
he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.
God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

+++++++++++++

A man and woman got married and had a little boy
who was very healthy, but as he got older his
parents noticed that he never spoke.

This concerned his parents greatly. They took
their son to several doctors who ran series of
tests and told them that the boy was perfectly
healthy but would probably never speak.

Resigned, the parent took their son home and did
everything in their power to keep him happy.

One night seven years later while eating dinner,
the little boy looked up from his plate and said
in a clear voice,
"These peas are cold."

Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged
and kissed him.

"Oh," they said. "We’re so happy. We thought
you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken
until now?"

The boy looked at his parents and said,

"Well up until these peas, everything’s been fine."

++++++++++++++

"When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war. You can't go
anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your
kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents
an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your
car. Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it,
so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a
scab and beat her up on the front lawn." -Robert G. Lee

++++++++++++++=

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bike.

His father said, "We would love to get you one son but
the mortgage on the house is $80,000 and your mother
just lost her job. There is no way we can afford it right now."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny walking out the
door with a suitcase.

The father asked him,
"Son where are you heading with the suitcase?"

Little Johnny replied, "Last night I was walking past
your room and I heard you tell mom that you were
pulling out and she said to wait because she was
coming. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here alone
with a $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

+++++++++

Lil' Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to
the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a
rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete
with a pager.

As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at
the women in front of him and observed loudly,
"Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT."

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two,
Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go
and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely Scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly,
"Look how the fat hangs over her belt."

The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her rude child and his mother threatened him with
his very life and existence.

Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the
front of the line when her pager begins to emit its
distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the
top of his voice,
"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

+++++++++

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church in England.

One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important
church leader was coming and that he would be staying with
them. His father decided that he would let little Johnny bring
the church leader tea in the morning and wake him up.

Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door
of the church leader's room and then say to him,
"It's the boy, my lord, it's time to get up.

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines
repeating them over and over. Finally the day came
and little Johnny had learned all his lines.

He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited
and nervous though, that his lines got mixed up,
and he said,

"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Boys And Girls

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll
look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later.
You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy,
except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what
nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them
up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got
cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in
their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start
painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost
instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut
them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice -
but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age,
boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age
of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn
how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

+++++++++++++++

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store,
a boy spotted a display of condoms.

"Hey Dad, what's a three-pack for?" asked the boy.

"Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and
one for Saturday," replied the father.

"Then Dad, what's a six-pack for?" asked the son.

"That's when she moves in with you. Two for Friday night,
two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Then Dad, what's a twelve-pack for?"

"That's for when you're married. One for January, one
for February, one for ... "

+++++++++++++++++++=

One day a little girl went up to her mother and asked,
"Mommy, where did I come from?"

Her mother stammered a bit, but finally got her composure.
She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life.
So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted
in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb
and finally how a child was born.

As the mother gave the whole story, Rita's eyes got wider
and wider. When she was finished, Little Rita said,
"Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Uncle
Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania."

+++++++++++++++++=

A man was doing a study of children's senses in a
first grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave
the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked
them,

"What is the flavor, and what color is it?"

The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . .
yellow . . .lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange
. . . orange."

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The
children suck on them for a while, but can't
decipher the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother
would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out,
and yelled:

"Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

++++++++++++


When the young mother returned from the grocery store,
her son, who was just learning to read, pulled out the
box of animal crackers he had begged for.

Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the
kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,"
the boy explained. "So, I'm looking for the seal."

-----------------------------

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin.

At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their
room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left
the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was that?"

----------------------

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for be
done night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He
managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he
was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was
helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny
from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear.

Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand,
swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded
"Do it again, Dad!"

+++++++++

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car
pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a
piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man
driving the car pulls over again.

"How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and
all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.

"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned
Volvo, Dad. You'll just have to live with it!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her
fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

"Mommy, where's my booger?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination
and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it
up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that
had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I
think it's Adam's suit!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"

++++++++

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for
Christmas dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, h
Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put
the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said.

And he took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes.
"Timmy these are so good."

As he finished one and took another he again complimented
his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle
said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?"

And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer.

His nephew replied, "I licked them."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW
NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother
and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Gramma is!"

++++++++

On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife out
to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have
dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After they got home, they saw that the dining room table
was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles,
and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the
refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead
and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

++++++++++++

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a
good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect
on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Leroy and think about how you have behaved
this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve
a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for
my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year
and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.

Letter 3:
Dear God,
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a
red bike for my birthday.
Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote another letter.

Letter 4:
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get
him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs
and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked
very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around
to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue
of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the
church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut
the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

+++++++++++

KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence
did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and
earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he
told them was

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve-
we got forbidden fruit!".

No way!"

"Way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God
(wondering why he hadn't stopped after making
the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple
break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh Huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno" Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If
God had trouble handling children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle-Take two and
keep away from children.

-----------------------

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that
those were for special occasions.

Now fast-forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter.

Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each place with a fork on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

+++++++++++++

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother
told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the
broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said,
"Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
"You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she
explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you
and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready
to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then
went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering
out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there,
would you please hand me the broom?"

+++++++++++++

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied,
"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

++++++++

A man observed a woman in the grocery
store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the little
girl asked for cookies and her mother told her,
"No."

The little girl immediately began to whine and
fuss, and the mother said quietly,
"Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles
left to go through - don't be upset. It won't
be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little
girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't
have any, she began to cry. The mother said,
"There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more
aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand,
the little girl immediately began to clamor
for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon
discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother said serenely,
"Monica, we'll be through this check out stand
in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have
a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and
stopped the woman to compliment her.

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were
with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied,
"I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

++++++++

Little Johhny trolls into school on Tuesday. The teacher
stops him in the hall.

"Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"Sorry, Miss, but my dad got burned"

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it wasn't badly?"

"Well, they don't f**k about at the crematorium, Miss!"

+++++++++

A little boy forgot his lines during a Sunday School play.
His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured
and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't
help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the
light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear
voice said, "My mommy is the light of the world."

++++++++

Little Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was
working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me
twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

++++++++

One night a Suzanne found her husband standing over their baby's
crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at
the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions:
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, wonder, enchantment,
concern...

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it
aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her
husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's truly amazing!" he whispered... "I just can't see how
anybody can make a crib like that for only $39.95."

+++++++++

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the
first time. The lights were lowered for the processional,
and the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud
voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

++++++++

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two
spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the
other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy then stamped on the spiders...
"We won't have *THAT* sort of behavior in this garden."

++++++++++

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked
hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little
girl stood on her tiptoes and was just able to
reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly
lady greeted them at the front door.

"Good morning, children," she said. "What
can I do for you?"

"We're playing house," the little girl answered.
"This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we
come in?"

Thoroughly enchanted by the scene
confronting her, the elderly lady replied,
"By all means, do come in."

Once inside, she offered the children lemonade
and cookies, which they graciously accepted.
When a second tall glass of lemonade was
offered, the little girl remarked,

"No thank you. We have to go now.
My husband just wet his pants."

++++++++++

You Know You Hired the wrong kid to mow your lawn when:

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag

9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled
silhouettes of thirteen cats

8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher

7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head

6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulch

5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system

4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings

3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus

2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks

1. No toes

++++++++++

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to
scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better
grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking...."

++++++++

 Begin R-rated Kids Humor.....

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says

"I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his
finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells
"T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says,
"No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with
every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says,
"No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,

"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any
because I can smell it on your finger!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom, one day only
to catch him sitting on the side of his bed preparing for a
quickie by sliding a condom on.

In attempt to hide his condom-covered erection,
Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

"Whatta ya doin', dad?" Little Johnny asked.

"Uhhhh . . . I thought I saw the cat go underneath
the bed," his father quickly replied.

"Really, Dad? Whatta ya gonna do, screw it?"

+++++++

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what
a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into
one.

Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He
watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's
when he bolted out the door and started
running down the street and into a man.

The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man?
You look like you just saw a ghost!"

The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that
if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all
of a sudden I felt something hard!

+++++++++++=

One day Little Susie got her monthly period for the first
time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened,
she decided to tell Little Johnny.

Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what
was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he
said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped
your balls off!"

+++++++++

A father came home from a long business trip to find his
son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike?
It must have cost $300."

"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," the boy replied.
"Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery
store would come over to see Mom. He'd give
me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

+++++++++

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,
"Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school
are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him
what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like
our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our
Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the
basement. He says to his dad,

"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I
asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these
matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf,
takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold
and says,

"son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

**************

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground
and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and
sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain
himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother
excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND
AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants
to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said,
"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose
you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to
see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his
story. He describes the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy
and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

**********

One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at
school a question.

"If you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in
KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was
killing you, would you tell anybody?"

"No, I'd be embarrassed." said his friend

Little Johnny asked "Wanna go camping?"

++++++++++++++++

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to build a house on the
lot. The family's six-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around
and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of
mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little jobs to do and
at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar.

She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank
the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went
to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the
little girl how she had come by her earnings.

"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.

"Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house
next week, too?"

"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the fucking
bricks."

++++++++++

Ed asks his ten year-old son if he knows about the birds and
the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at
age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really
have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

+++++++++

One day, while shopping in the local Wal-Mart, my little boy
asked me why his daddy and I got divorced. I told him
"Honey, when you are a little older I'll explain it all to you."

A few minutes later, he asked me how old I am. My reply to
him was simply "A woman never reveals her real age."

He looked puzzled. Then he asked me how much I weighed.
I explained to him that it wasn't polite to ask a woman that
question, and that he probably wouldn't get a truthful answer
anyway.

After I finished my shopping and was writing a check at the
checkout, I began to look for my driver's license. I realized
who had it when my son said to me,

"Mommy, I have all the answers now! You are 34 years old,
you weigh 145 pounds, and the reason you and daddy got
divorced is because you got an 'F' in sex!!"

++++++++++=

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son said,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who
are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go
to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I
want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who
are disembarking the train, please remember to take all
of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the
train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those
of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay,
please see the bitch in the kitchen."

++++++++++++

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a
cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next
two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're
finished."

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake,
Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a
piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing
first!"

++++++++++++++

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The girl walked away, and the guy fell
asleep.

When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know, I'm here."

The police went back to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with
the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and
set its nest on fire."

Moral of the story, never lie to kids.

**************

Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I
missed on the very first word."

"That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, lunkhead. You can't even
pronounce it correctly."

***************

A little boy and a little girl go every day to play in a chicken coop.

One day the little girl comes up to the little boy and says, "We can't
play in the chicken coop anymore."

The little boy asks, "Why not?"

The little girl answers, "'Cause I'm growing feathers."

The little boy stares at her in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me."

So she pulls down her pants. He thinks about it for a little while and
decides it's not that big of a deal, so they both decide to continue
playing in the chicken coop.

A few weeks later the little boy comes up to the little girl and says,
"We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."

"Why not?" she asks.

"'Cause," he says, "I'm growing feathers, too."

She looks at him in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me!"

So he pulls down his pants.

The little girl's eyes widen, and she says, "You're not just growing
feathers, you're also growing a neck and a gizzard!"

************************

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son
an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all
of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying,
"Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling,
insisting that all his friend s refer to him as
"Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
"Because I came this close to being a turd."

+++++++++

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think
I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think
I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit...
Horseshit... Oh, shit! Fuck it, I didn't want to be in this damn play
anyway!"

*****************

Little Suzy, age 9, and Little Johnny, age 10, are sitting on
the front porch swing.

Little Johnny says to Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."

A minute goes by and Little Suzy turns to Johnny, and
says..."Screw you Johnny."

Another minute goes by, and Johnny says to
Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."

In a minute or two Suzy says to
Johnny..."Screw you Johnny."

A few minutes pass, and Johnny says to
Suzy..."Screw you Suzy."

A minutes later Suzy says to Johnny..."Screw
you Johnny."

About that time an adult steps out on to the
porch and says..."What are you kids doing?"

They answer in unison....."We are having oral sex!"

+++++++++++

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,
"Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two
words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what are they.

He says "well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like
our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like
our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop
in the basement. He says to his dad,

"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know
and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the
exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these
matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him...pussy and bitch.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the
shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the
centerfold and says,

"son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

*********

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. 

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. 

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. 

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why! 

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps ? and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem 

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! 

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worm and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. 

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. 

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. 

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. 

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? ~

+++++

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her
mother, and announced that she had learned how you get
a baby. The mother was amused and said,

" Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy
take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's wiener stands way
up high, and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's
wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes
and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's how you get a baby

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet
her eye to eye and said,

"Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby.
That's how you get jewelry.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two little boys were wondering what a penis was one day, so the first little boy asks his dad. The dad unzips his pants and says "Son, this is a penis, and a perfect one at that."

The next day the boy's friend asks him if he found out what a penis was.

The boy pulls down his pants and says "My daddy said this was a penis,
and if mine was just shorter it would be perfect like daddy's.

+++++++++=

A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh... you go there
to...have a good time."

The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father
approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

"WHAT? Well...uh...how was it?"

"I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."

++++++++++

A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy
spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand
and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to
point to a person and make that sort of comment. For
punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He
couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the
mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what
happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and
said, "Lo, what manner of man are these, who wear their balls
in parentheses?"

+++++++++

A little girl was puzzled as to her origin.
"How did I get here mommy?"

Her mommy said; using a well worn phrase,
"God sent you."

"And did God send you too mommy?"
Yes dear He did.

And Grandma and great grandma and daddy too asked
the little girl? Again the answer was yes.

The child shook her head in disbelief.
"Then you mean to tell me,
that there has been no sex in this
family for 200 years?,
no wonder everyone is so cranky."

++++++

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their
parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became bored. The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can play."

They went in the kitchen. The little boy got two plates out of
the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup of flour on each
plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour wins."

The little girl said, "You go first". So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt. Up came a little puff of flour.

The little girl squatted down over her plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate.

The little boy said, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me
look at your butt!"

The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got double barrels!"

+++++++

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark
next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

+++++

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the
teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature
is that only humans stutter -- no other animal in the
world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on
the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around
the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff!
ffffffffff!" and before he could say, "FUCK OFF!", the
dog ate him!"

++++++

Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come
to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him.
Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his
mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and
enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and
the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little
Johnny's favourites, the clowns.

Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes
until one of the clowns comes up to him and says,
"Little boy, are you the front end of an ass?"

"No," replies little Johnny.

"Are you the rear end of an ass?"

"No," replies little Johnny again.

"In that case," says the clown, "you must be no end of
an ass."

Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus
and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with
him she says, "Little Johnny, don't worry, your Uncle Marvo,
the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is
coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and
he will sort that nasty clown out." At this news little
Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.

The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the
master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and
the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there
Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of
lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the
lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists,
and then out come the clowns.

Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again
one of the clowns comes up to him and says, "Little boy, are
you the front end of an ass?"

Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit,
backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of
his voice, "Fuck off you Red nosed Cunt!"

+++++++

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was
pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you will
learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his
mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied,
"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of
a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker
down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side
and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to
ask Martin what he had learned today. When Martin told
him the whole story, Dad said, "Martin, go outside and
get me a switch."

Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

+++++++++++

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival.

She said, "Yes."

At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag
of M&M's for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's.

She said,"Yes but, don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner."

She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head
back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over
to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times.

Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more
M&M's. Puzzled she poured some more into his hand. Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time.

Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,"Johnny, what are you doing?"

Johnny replies,"I'm playing truck driver."

She says,"Truck driver? Can you explain?"

Johnny says,"Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!"
++++++

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing
about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman
reaches over and slices the man's penis off.

Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield, sticks for a
moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck
was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after
a few minutes she says......

"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

+++++++++

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in
the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a
question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask
the question, then she is old enough to get a straight
answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds
and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her,
"Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that
dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

+++++++++

A young boy on a doorstep says, "Trick or treat!"

The man of the house opens the door to see the lad
wearing a pirate costume and he asks, "Hello sonny,
you look like a mean pirate. Where's your buccaneers?"

To which the kid replies, "Under my buckin' hat!"

+++++++

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?"

His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

++++++++++++++++++++++

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

+++++++

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went
to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his
parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad
answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your
partner? The dad answered, " Your Mom."

Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again,
he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing? The
sister answered, 'Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked,
"Whose your partner? She answered, 'My boyfriend."

A little later, the Dad got up and as he passed Little
Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.

He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny
answered, "Playing Cards."

The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"

Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have
a good hand!"

~~~~~

Little Johnny goes to the drugstore for some condoms.

He goes up to the counter and asks, "Sir, can you tell me
where the ribbed condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms
are used for?"

"Sure do," replied Johnny. "They keep you from getting VD."

"OK," said the pharmacist. "Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Johnny thought for a minute, then looked up at the pharmacist
and replied, "Well, not exactly. But they sure do make the hair
on my goat's back stand up."

++++++

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most
adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and
the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman asked, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or
Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her
husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child,
"Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or
Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is
just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the
Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into
the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the
woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my
fucking cookies!"

~~~~~

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

+++++++

Little Johnny paints a sign that says, "we move anything for a dime". Then he tells his buddy Roger to get his wagon and sit under a shade tree in Little Johnny's front yard. Little Johnny joins him as they wait for business.

Alice, across the street is not to be outdone. She makes a sign too. Her sign says, "we move anything for a nickel". Alice tells her friend Elizabeth to get her wagon and they both sit in Alice's yard.

Johnny is angry. He says to Roger, "how dare she do that to us!" Then, a flash of brilliance hits him. Little Johnny drags Roger across the street saying "let's get some laughs".

Johnny asks, "hey, Alice, you move anything, yet? You're a girl I bet you're too weak to move anything!"

Alice answers, "oh yah? Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
Little Johnny says, "Roger, give me a nickel!"

Roger digs around in his pocket, finds a nickel and gives it to Johnny. Little Johnny takes it and hands it to Alice.

Alice asks, "what you want moved, Johnny?"

Little Johnny shouts, "move my bowels!" and starts laughing.

Johnny's laughter stopped and turned to fear when Helen turned to her girlfriend and said, "Elizabeth, hold this nickel while I beat the shit out of this kid."

+++++++=

A small boy was lost in a rather large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and through
tear filled eyes said, "I lost my Daddy!"

The policeman asked, "tell me son, what's he like?"

The little lad replies, "beer and tits"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Six year old Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to
horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs,
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?

"His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to
make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I
buy. "

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry
home right away."

"Why?" said his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he
wants to buy Mom."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

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