KIDS STORIES

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom ! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

+++

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,
then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said, with a charming little smile, "We better throw this
one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

+++

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a
Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
Child are not necessarily those of his parents."

+++

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?"

“Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would
you please tie my shoe?"

+++

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog
you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is!" I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

+++

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think
it's Adam's underwear!"

+++

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old
daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."

+++

I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and
fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much,
in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison
steaks on the dinner table, my 6-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."

+++

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarves for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as An old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up.

"See, Mom. She doesn't like the peel either."

+++

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter-haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

+++

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and they mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

+++++++

Christmas carols (kids versions)

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer.

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown.

You'll go down in Listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

+++++++

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would
catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person
lying
on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd
throw up!"

~~~~~~

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really
worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to
Me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

~~~~~~

INSIGHT INTO THE MINDS OF 6TH GRADERS.

History Lesson

The following were answers provided by 6th graders
during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the
best humor is in the misspelling.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that all the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where
they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he
ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and
without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his
career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped,
hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized
by Bernard Shaw.

**********

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was
given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on
"Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand
your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at
the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come
from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and
daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they
returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when
I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper,
"For three generations there have been no natural births in our
family."

+++++

A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth?"

One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"

+++

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an
officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ? Well, if
we were speeding, so were you!"

+++

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor."

"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

+++

I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't
have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of
some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had
in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied
wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"

++++++++

Kids On Love

Reflections On The Nature Of Love

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is
pretty good too."
-Greg, age 8

What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?

"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom."
-Judy, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
-Tom, age 5

What Do Most People Do On A Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Mike, age 10

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding."
-Jim, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours."
-Kally, age 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!"
-Lynette, age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Kenny, age 7

Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular."
-Jan, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
-Harlen, age 8

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else
who has freckles too."
-Andrew, age 6

On What Falling In Love Is Like

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
-Roger, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
don't want to do it. It takes too long."
-Leo, age 7

On The Role Of Good Looks In Love

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
-Jeanne, age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome
like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
-Gary, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time."
-Christine, age 9

Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them."
-Dave, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down
the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
-John, age 9

Confidential Opinions About Love

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television."
-Anita, age 6

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the
girls keep finding me."
-Bobby, age 8

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough."
-Regina, age 10

"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
-Floyd, age 9

The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills."
-Ava, age 8

"Sensitivity don't hurt."
-Robbie, age 8

Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
-Del, age 6

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
-Alonzo, age 9

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
-Bart, age 9

"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and
don't worry if their parents are right there."
-Manuel, age 8

How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are
In Love?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
tell if he's in love."
-John, age 9

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food."
-Brad, age 8

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their
hearts are... on fire."
-Christine, age 9

"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are
just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they
just broke up."
-Sarah, age 9

"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
-Sandra, age 7

What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope
he showers at least once a day."
-Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they
finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
-Dick, age 7

How Do People In Love Typically Behave?

"Mooshy... like puppy dogs... except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much."
-Arnold, age 10

"All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit
together in the dark."
-Sherm, age 8

How A Person Learns To Kiss

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
the best of you."
-Doug, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
-Carin, age 9

"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
-Julia, age 7

How Was Kissing Invented?

"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
-Gina, age 8

When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you... That's why I stopped doing it."
-Jean, age 10

"When they're rich."
-Pam, age 7

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a
new person, you have to ask permission."
-Roger, age 6

How To Make Love Endure

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
-Tom, age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love."
-Roger, age 8

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash."
-Randy, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind... Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
-Natalie, age 9

Titles Of The Love Ballads You Can Sing To Your Beloved

"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
-Arnold, age 10

"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
-Larry, age 8

"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
-Eddie, age 6

"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me
When I'm with My Friends.'"
-Bob, age 9

"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You
Are One!'"
-Will, age 7

+++++++++

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice and replied, "Bud."

+++++++

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.......

Ask any youngster about LOVE and this is what
you might hear....

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9

"No one is sure why love happens, but I heard it has something
to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant
are so popular."
Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Wanna bet??)
Manuel, age 8

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome
like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down
and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
Dave, age 8

And *MY* personal favorite......

"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9


**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**^**

PROVERBIAL PROVERBS....

written by children.....

Better to be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.

Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.

A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The Morning.

A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Edna.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......
You Have To Blow Your Nose.

**^**^*

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
- Jake, age 10

++++++++++

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."

+++++++++

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"

++++++

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green
army men, and she asked him why they were there.

Her grandson replied, "On television, the say, 'The best part of
waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

++++++

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct, but it was fun
for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you
should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

++++

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then, he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

++++++++

CHILDREN TALK ABOUT LOVE

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manual, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, age 9

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita, age 8

"It isn't just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. Brian, age 7

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE

"Mushy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, age 10

"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, age 8

"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9

"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." Julia, age 7

"You learn it right on the spot when the gushy feelings get the best of you." Brian, age 7

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.
That's why I stopped doing it." Tammy, age 10

"If it's your mother, you can kiss her any time. But if it's a new
person, you have to ask permission." Roger, age 6

"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it,
but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."
Tom, Age 7

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." Dick,age 7

"Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love.
Erin, age 8

"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." Natalie, age 9

+++++

'Dear God' True letters from Kids

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much
if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I
can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his
bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it
an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school
they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
-Sincerely, Donna

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kids say...

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer "Yes" to him.
+++
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
+++
Stay away from prunes.
+++
Don't squat with your spurs on:
+++
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
+++
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
+++
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
+++
Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers.
+++
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
+++
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
+++
A child's perspective on adult behavior...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then. --Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. --Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen
long enough. --Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. --Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that. --Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --

++++++++

Mary was four and was just beginning to peel from her very first sunburn.

As she looked in the mirror, tears filled her eyes, and she said, "Look at me. I'm only four and I'm already starting to wear out!"

++++++

Kids Test Papers

These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

11. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

12. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

13. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

14. "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."

15. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

16. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

17. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

18. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

19. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."

20. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

21. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

22. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

23. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

24. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

25. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

26. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

27. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

28. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

29. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

30. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

31. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

32. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

33. "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

34. "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

35. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

36. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

37. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

38. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

39. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

+++++++

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush
your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

~~~~~

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine
if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set
aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll
have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
-- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be until the looting started. -- Age 15

++++++++

WORDS OF WISDOM.....

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, age14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, age 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, age 9

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
-Naomi, age15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, age 9

Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, age 8

Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, age 9

+++++++

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.......

Every evening, a mother and her young son knelt down
beside his bed so he could say his prayers. One night,
obviously bored with the same old prayer, the little boy
said this: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord
my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake....
can I have breakfast with you in the morning?"

+++

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line
as a storm threatened. Carrying in the last armload of clothes,
the boy reached the door, waved his hand at the heavens and
said, "Okay God ... let 'er rip!"

+++

A 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about," he asked.
"I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."

+++

A mother was sitting with her three oldest children watching
a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought
it would be a good starting point for answering questions about
the facts of life. As her five-year-old studied the baby coming
out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Gee," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"

+++

A little girl was writing a report on Alaska. Part of her
paper read, "In case of an attack by a bear, you should lie
down on the ground and curl into a ball. This is known as
the fatal position."

+++++++++

Kids Say The Funniest Things...

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they
keep journals of amusing things their students have written
in papers. Here are a few examples:

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on
the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get
our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A molecule is so small it cannot be seen by the naked observer.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house
increasing the population.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never
set foot.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil
his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull
that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite
so often in the winter.

++++++

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

++++++

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)
collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,29,30,31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

++++++++

 A teacher asked her 2nd grade class to
fill in the blanks. This is what they wrote:

Better to be safe than......Punch a 5th grader

Strike while the ..........Bug is close

It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of....Termites

You can lead a horse to water but........how?

Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty

No news is...............impossible

A miss is as good as a.........Mr.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning

The pen is mightier than the............pigs

An idle mind is...........The best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.........pollution

Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents

A penny saved is...............not much

Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers

Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries

You get out of something what you..see pictured on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way

Laugh & the whole world laughs w/you,cry and....you have to blow your nose.

Love all, trust.........me

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose

None are so blind as......Stevie Wonder

If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries

And the favorite...

Better late than...........pregnant

++++++++

Science Test Answers:

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, t does.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

++++++++

 KID'S ADVICE FOR LOVEBIRDS

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner are in love?

If the man picks up the check.

They only stare at each other, other people care more
about the food.

They are dressed up, if they aren't they just broke up.

+++

How do people in love typically behave?

Like my dog.

They fall down after they kiss and don't get up for an hour.

+++

What is falling in love like?

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

If it's like math I don't want to do it, it takes too long.

+++

What are people thinking when they say "I love you."

"Hurry up so we can go eat."

"I don't love him."

+++

How do two people fall in love?

One of them has freckles, so he finds another person
with freckles.

You get shot with an arrow, but the rest isn't that painful.

+++

How do you stay in love?

Be a good kisser.

Don't forget your wife's name.

+++++++

From The Mouths Of Babes..

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old
granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light.
"The sun's looking at me too hard."

My friend asked our grandson when he would
turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3,
exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a
white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed,
"Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

A friend's grandson, 4, was reading with his
granddad about Adam and Eve. He asked,
"Is this where G~d took out the man's brain
and made a woman?"

Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just
had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she
said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

When I asked our grandson if he could name
the capital of Florida, he fired right back,
"Capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair
was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He
replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van
was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry
assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?"

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my
friend complimented the young scholar, who
nonchalantly responded, " I have words in my
head I haven't even used yet."

His Mom informed her son, Brian, that she was
going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy,
he gulped, "You already have a son. Me!"

When our son asked about two look-alike
classmates at school, we told him they were
probably twins. The next day, he came home
from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what!
They are not only twins....they're brothers!!"

+++++++++

Sunday School Quotes

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

+++

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

+++

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

++++++

JUVENILE PHILOSOPHY

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents.
- Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and
ears are twitching.
- Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
- Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning. - Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. - Rosemary, Age 7

Never ask for anything that costs more than five
dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
- Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
- Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
- Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him. - Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, Age 14

+++++

SYMPHONIC MISNOTES

Even if you think perfect pitch has something to do
with baseball, you will enjoy these musical responses that
young students wrote on real-life tests:

* Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.

* A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

* J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

* Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

* Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

* Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

* A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.

* Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

* Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

* My very best-liked piece is the Bronze lullaby.

* A harp is a nude piano.

* My favorite composer is Opus.

* An opera is a song of a bigly size.

* Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

* Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

* Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

* I know what a sextet is, but I'd rather not say.

* Stradivarius sold his violins on the open market with no strings
attached.

* Do you know that if Beethoven were alive today, he'd be celebrating the 170th anniversary of his death?

* Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

* In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda, who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio gets stabbed also, and they all live
happily ever after.

* At one time, singers had to use musicians to accompany them. Since
synthesizers came along, singers can now play with themselves.

++++++++

Children were asked about dating here is what they
said:

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, Age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk
about love." -Craig, Age 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks
to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours." Kally, Age 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just
a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Will, Age 7

++++++++

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF (NOT- SO- YOUNG) BABES.....

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he
gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Age 11.

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play
bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly,
Annette Age 9,

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday
because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8.

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your
church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9.

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later
than sooner. Love, Ellen Age 9.

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for
God? Sincerely, Christopher Age 9.

+++++

SOME HISTORY I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

The following are answers provided by sixth graders during history
tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln was the greatest president. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The eighteenth century produced many inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

+++++++

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES.....

It was Little Johnny's first visit to the country, and feeding
the chickens fascinated him. Early one morning he caught
his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard.
Rushing indoors excitedly, Little Johnny sought his
grandmother. "Oh, Granny, look!" he exclaimed,
"one of the chickens is in bloom!"

++++++

Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount
Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York,
a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother:
"We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!"

++++++++

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw
our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's
leash. Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked,
"Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"

"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

++++++

One evening while I was preparing dinner my daughter
came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her
vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter
horse?"

As I thought of a simple explanation, my five
year-old piped up, " I know. It's the one they have in front of
the grocery store!"

+++++++

KIDS SAY THE DANGDEST THINGS!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD
HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF
PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there? - Kelvin, age 8

+++++++++++++++

Political Correctness For Kids

=> Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just "passage-restrictive."
=> Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
=> You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from
"rebellious follicle syndrome."
=> You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
=> You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
=> It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
=> The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
=> You don't have detention, you're just one of the
"exit-delayed."
=> Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just
"closure-prohibitive."
=> Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an
"out-of-notebook experience."
=> You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing
consciousness."
=> You weren't passing notes in class. You were
"participating in the discreet exchange of penned
meditations."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you know the Bible -- even a little -- you'll find
this hilarious! This comes from a Catholic elementary
school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and
New Testaments. The following statements about the
bible were written by children. They have not been
retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has
been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath
off

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an
ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball
of fire by night.

4. Christians have only one spouse. This is called
monotony.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the
Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread without any
ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to
eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then
Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the
liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of
people who lived in Biblical times

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and
700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus,
she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his
head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to
do one to others before they do one to you. He also
explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead
and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the
12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was
also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached
holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage

++++++++

A Child's Wisdom...

** Don't sneeze when you're getting a haircut.

** Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

** If your sister hits you, don't hit her back...
They always catch the second person.

** Most school lunches stick to the wall.

** Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

** Never hold a dustbuster and a kitty at the same time.

** No matter how hard you try, you can NOT baptize cats.

** Puppies always have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac.

** Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

** The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

** When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

** You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk very long.

** You just can't trust dogs to watch your food.

++++++++++

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let
her brush your hair."
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment."
-Traci, age 14

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your
Mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13

+++++++

Excerpts From Real Science Papers Written By Kids

One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
into a sun in the daytime.

Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to
become oil.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to
live in other places.

Steam is water that smokes cigarettes.

Our weather is created by a lady on the TV.

Polyesters are little animals that skinned to make clothes.

+++++

"Toddler Property Laws"

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10. .If it's broccoli, it's yours.

+++++++++

One night Ben's mother overheard this prayer:

"Now I lay me down to rest,
and hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
that's one less test I'll have to take."

---------------------

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was
"acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some
sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally the father picked the little fellow up and
walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little
one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

---------------------

A little boy's prayer:

"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my
mommy and my sister and my brother and my
doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God.
If anything happens to you, we're gonna
be in a big mess."

---------------------

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table,
she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?".

"I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.

The little girl bowed her head and said,
"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people
to dinner?"

++++++++

Science Class: What Kids Say

* - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head
sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

* - It is so hot in some places that people there have to
live in other places.

* - Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they
look like umbrellas.

* - The alimentary canal is located in the northern part
of Indiana.

* - Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun,
but I never have been able to make out the numbers.

* - When planets run around and around in circles, we say they
are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

* - For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the
victim is dead.

* - A monsoon is a French gentleman.

* - To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

* - Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets
big enough to be called a drop, it does.

* - The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people
forget to put the top on.

* - You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

* - There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center
of the Earth because so many people are stomping around
there these days.

* - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you
don't, why you should.

* - Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

* - Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg
and up the other.

* - One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.

* - In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

* - Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

* - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

* - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and
then forcing it through an aviator.

+++++++++++

A Child Looks at The World....

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it
gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let
them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind
which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without
coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in
any direction.

++++++++++++++


CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's It! I'm Putting You Up For Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, but You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster ... and Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man on the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

29. The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer -- Hey, Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

30. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers

+++++++++

Physical phenomena are mysterious to many kids.
For evidence, there are these responses by fifth and
sixth graders to questions on tests in their science classes:

--There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters
are yet to be discovered.

--Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.

--Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they're there.

--The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget
to put the top on.

--Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big
enough to be called a drop, it does.

--Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which
is why they look like umbrellas.

--Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

--When planets run around and around in circles, we
say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say
they are crazy.

--For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

--Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

--One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

++++++++++++++++++

 Begin R-rated Kids Quotes Humor.....

And then there's the little boy who got up at midnight
to go to the bathroom and passed his parents' bedroom.
Noticing that the door was opened, he walked in and saw
his mother performing fellatio on his father. The boy
walked out of the bedroom scratching his head and
muttering, "And they sent me to the doctor for sucking
my thumb!"

++++++++

It was Halloween, a little boy was dressed as a pirate. He goes up to a house and rings the doorbell. A man answers the door and says, "Oh, a pirate, were are your buccaneers"?

The little boy looks up at him and says, "Under my bucking hat"!

+++++++

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles
are.

"Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of
poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother who replies, "Did he say anything about
that dead branch they're hanging on?"

+++++++

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