Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."

++++

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

+++  

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...

He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon completion of His construction permit and environmental impact statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions. When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep." Then God said, "Let there be Light."

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested, asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air Pollution? God explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the burning; 2) a separate burning permit would be required; and 3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark half of the time. So God agreed to divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of double talk, but the Council tabled action since God would have to first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further would be required to
obtain water permits from the appropriate agencies involved.

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and God said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed would be used. About future development God also said, "Let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared the everything was in order until God stated that He wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the application and environmental impact statement, and then there would be public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would be granted.

God said, "To Hell with it!"

++++

The OJ Trial As Told By Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.

Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?

I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

++++

I found this in an electronic commerce software example products file (Goldpaint):
[Pocket Lawyer]
[stuffed person]
[What a unique gift for your favorite lawyer or friends who needs one! Just squeeze him and hear legal phrases like, "My client is innocent", "This is an outrage", "I'll see you in court", and "Pay up you dead beat." He carries a briefcase and is dressed in a gray suit, white shirt and striped tie. He measures 7" tall and comes with a life-time battery included. Our pocket lawyer -- don't go to court without him.]

+++

 "Where there are too many policemen, there is no liberty. Where there are too many soldiers, there is no peace. Where there are too many lawyers, there is no justice." Lin Yutang

+++

"I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice." Abraham Lincoln

+++

 "Having been unable to strengthen justice, we have justified strength." Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)

 +++  

"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." Desmond Tutu, clergyman (b. 1931)

+++

"Since when do we have to agree with people to defend them from injustice?" Lillian Hellman, playwright (1905-1984)

+++

"We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party." Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948

+++

Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years

his bedside.

"Mike, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your

wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.

On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a

decade."

"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.

I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

++++++++++++

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried
to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Lawyer: "Now would you please tell the Jury the truth - why
did you shoot your husband with bow and arrow?"

Defendant: "I didn't want to wake up the children.

---------------------

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police

had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and

brought them before the Judge.

Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same

corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irrate, "I don't know what all this is about,

your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term

paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have

thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer

says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250

fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested that she

testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am

just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my

husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well,

young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand

a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband'

in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,

"How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these

students and housewives around, competition is really

tough!"

+++++++

The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an
eloquent plea for her client: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that
is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little
children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has
always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything
decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and. . . "

Her client leaned over to a friend and said, "How do you like
that lawyer? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's
telling the jury about some other guy."

vvvvvvvv

Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks
out a law firm -- Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."

Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."

He says, "Speaking!"

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror

in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

************

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the
window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself,
and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for
an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

vvvvvvvv

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

vvvvvvvvvv

You *KNOW* You Need A New Lawyer When...

The prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

Then, during the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one
with the little hammer, right?"

The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law
Since 10:45 AM."

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever... uh Your Honor."

------------------

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking

the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Centre

when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart

attack.

Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice

Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered

CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the

exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the

two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes

they spent helping the victim.

Jerome Braun, the State Bar's senior executive for

admissions, backed the decision stating,

"If these two want to be lawyers, they should
learn a lesson about priorities."

++++++++

+++++

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his

brief vacations at this country inn. The last time, he'd

finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you

were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here,

we could have gotten married, and the baby would

have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my

condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and

decided it would be better to have a bastard
in the family than a lawyer."

************

The judge asked the defendant to please stand.

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with

a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who

shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged

with killing a paperboy with a shovel"

"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.

To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a

mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley:

"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your

outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back,

"I've lived next door to that man for ten years now,

but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed

o borrow one?!"

~~~~~~~~~~

The accountant for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe was retiring after working for the firm for seventeen years. Cheatham was interviewing
applicants, and was disappointed, as only three had even bothered to send in a resume.

After looking over the application of the first, an accountant with six years experience at Goldman Sachs, he called the first applicant in, and asked the
woman what 2 plus 2 was.

She answered, "Four."

Cheatham said he would call her if she was selected.

The second candidate was a CPA from Harvard, and at the end of the interview he was asked the same question,

"What is two and two?"

The CPA replied, "Four." Cheatham told him that he would call the young man if he was selected.

The third applicant was a recently-graduated philosophy.

Cheatham figured that this wasn't going to go anywhere, but thought, "What the hey? I've got nothing to lose."

He interviewed the young man quickly and asked, "I know you don't have an accountancy background, but can you tell me what two plus two is?"

To which the philosophy major replied,

"Can you tell me what would you want it to be?"

And was hired on the spot.

===========

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give

you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the

father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father

of lawyers,' so I let it go."

===============

An English anthropologist was doing research in an

isolated African village and the tribal chief asked if he

would like to attend a trial his people were conducting

that afternoon.

"You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well

we've copied your country's legal procedures. You

see, we have read accounts of many English trials in

your newspapers, and incorporated them into our

judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed

courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely

the African court officials resembled those of England.

The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes

and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all

British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence

and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help

being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a

bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd

waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his

host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a semi nude woman

run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all

the accounts we read in your papers about British

trials, there was invariably mentioned something

about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."

+++++++++++

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,

balding man standing at the counter methodically placing

"Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over

them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying

scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the

balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

**********

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a
lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize
bull was missing from the section of his spread through
which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be
paid the fair value of his bull.

On the way to the courthouse, the attorney cornered the
rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The
lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher
agreed to take just half of what he was asking, in cash.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the
money, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little
over his success...

"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won this case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose
when the train went through your ranch that morning. And
the worst part is I didn't have one witness to put on the
stand. . ."

The old rancher chuckled... "Well, I'll tell you, young
feller, I was a mite worried about winning that case myself,
because durned if that ole bull didn't come mosey-in' back
home this morning."

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a
homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint
Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


<><><><><>

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong

evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing

that his client would probably be convicted, resorted

to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise

for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this

case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors,

somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute

passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the

previous statement. But, you all looked on with

anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a

reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone

was killed and insist that you return a verdict of

not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced

a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had

some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied,

"Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

+++++

There once was a stupid man who was convicted of

murder. Before the man was sentenced, the judge

asked him if he had any final words.

He says, "Judge, I would rather die than be sent

to the electric chair.

++++++

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending

divorce, and asked,
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in

the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so

do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have

never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't

necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier

than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do

you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never

wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't

communicate with me."

++++++++

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had

become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his

local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties,

called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate

that when you were a judge you were stern with

lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new

job, which is commendable. But when someone owes

an overdue fine, you can't just - "

"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.

"I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English

Dictionary?"

++++

Q: What do you get when you give a lawyer viagra?

A: A lawyer that can hold his head up!

++++

A lawyer says to a witness on the stand, "Now, sir, did you, or
did you not, on the date in question or at any time, say to the
defendant or anyone else that the statement imputed to you and
denied by the plaintiff was a matter of moment or otherwise?
Answer me, yes or no."

The witness looked at the lawyer and said, "Yes or no, what?"

------------

He was a brilliant attorney. The other day he got a parking
ticket reduced to involuntary manslaughter.

------------

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are

for perjury?"

Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than

the penalty for murder."

+++++

A little girl was talking to a lawyer about whales. The lawyer said
that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though they are very large mammals, their throats are
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. The lawyer reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The
lawyer asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him."

+++++++

Did you hear animal researchers have decided to stop using rats and
start using lawyers? Three reasons: 1. There are more lawyers than
rats; 2. After working with rats, the researchers began to like them,
which they knew would never happen with lawyers; and 3. There are
some things you just can't get a rat to do.

+++++++

Having won a major case and staggered away with all the loot, the
lawyer wisely decided to disappear and enjoy his rewards. So, he took
a cruise. While out in the middle of the ocean, he slipped, fell over
the railing, lost his martini, and vanished into the blue water.
People stood awed by the karma that had finally caught up with the
lawyer and marveled.

Suddenly, the drenched lawyer was flung out of the water, back onto
the deck of the ship. Everyone on board looked at the pack of sharks,
who gazed back up and, in unison, shouted: "Professional courtesy!"

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a
priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the
priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the
side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course
with the lawyer. Then he thought, "Oh no, I have a priest
in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer," and at the
last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the
truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see
anything.

He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just
missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

And the priest replied, "Don't worry son. I got him
with my door."

~~~~~

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."

The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, your honor, however
my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow
him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

vvvvvv

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the

people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough

times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness

and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the

business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who

hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would

never mention him in my will - well you are wrong.

Hi Dan!"

***************

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy
circumstances, and their married life had not been anything
to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived
together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to
ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with
amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time
came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which
Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned
that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge

a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning

the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds

full.

The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee

delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill

much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup

of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay

by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less

than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee

that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the

morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and

smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily,

"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee

room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally

managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's virgin daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his

suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There

sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were

pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we

could have gotten married, and the baby would have my

name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my

condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We

decided it would be better to have a bastard in the

family than a lawyer."

+++++++

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked

the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone,

"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would

be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that

three men were buried under the stone. However

he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both

honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever

walked by the tombstone and read it, they would

be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

+++++++

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested

in making money."

"Why do you say that?"

"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night

and thinking about your case: $25'."

~~~~~~

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being

sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the

incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.

"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?"

said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the

leaf from the center of our dining room table."

+++++++++

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood
as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor," replied
the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," the sheepish prisoner replied.

---------

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit

filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing

from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher

claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted

to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace

in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad

pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The

lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to

take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the

young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success,

telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man,

but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.

The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when

the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have

one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I

was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that

darned bull came home this morning."

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer

during a trial--it went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the

description of the defendant running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided that description?

A: Officer Johnson, who responded at the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this alleged

defendant. Tell me, sir, do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: With your life? YOUR LIFE? Well then officer, now I'm curious,

do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where

you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, in fact, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do indeed.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers WITH

YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a

room you share with those same 'trusted 'officers?

A: Well, you see sir, we share the building with the municipal court

complex, and often defense attorneys have been known to walk

through that very room.

---------

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

---------

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an

exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

+++++++++++++++++

Another encounter between medicine and the law ......

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you

taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps

to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it

this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for

all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

++++++++

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question
is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I
do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a
divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."

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