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The Cynic's Guide To Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in
your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or
later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just
leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take
another road. That's why the highway department made so many of
them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing
gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the
neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to
steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to
it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine
group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-
of-the-fridge-is" group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car
windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess
on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to
remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or
an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay
over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the
wheel, it's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your
land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want
to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
++++++++
THINGS THAT IRRITATE A SANE PERSON
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in
the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your
ankle.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an
address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you
walk across your living room rug.
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a
piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes,
drifts and spits every time you move away.
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out
covered with lint.
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just
opening up.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you
don't know how to spell it.
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're
just browsing.
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on
the way up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slacker’s Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of
the amount of time given.
6. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater
the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.
11. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.
12. I will never put off until tomorrow what I can forget about
forever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 15 Signs You Bought a Bad SUV
15> Sure, it has four-wheel drive -- but only one wheel at a time.
14> Gas mileage is so bad you've hired a military refueling plane
to taxi behind you.
13> Close inspection reveals it to be four Yugos duct-taped
together.
12> Unbeknownst to you, the rear window taillight displays your
*actual* penis length.
11> Cheap piece of junk! The HondaPlow fell off the front after
battering just a few Civics out of your way in the supermarket
parking lot.
10> Fourteen cup holders, zero seats.
9> Proving the test drive was no fluke, you get pinned under it
again during the drive home.
8> The free monkey the dealer tossed in to "sweeten the deal"
has a wet, hacking cough.
7> Friends keep referring to it as your "Lincoln Masturbator."
6> Previous owner had three daughters, and your repeated cleanings fail to get
the boy-band stench out of the radio.
5> Your every attempt to back out of your driveway ends in
Jerry-Bruckheimer-film fiery mayhem.
4> The ozone hole following your vehicle around is a disappointing 500 yards
wide.
3> Dealer replaces unsafe Firestone tires with "organic" Flintstone tires.
2> Hit the turn signal too hard and it rolls over faster than an Enrique
Iglesias groupie.
and the Number 1 Sign You Bought a Bad SUV...
1> Al Cowlings included as standard equipment.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
===============
  
The Top 15 Signs "Star Trek" Characters Are Backing a Politician
15> Intern under his desk has three arms and is named Xeelox.
14> Campaign commercials continually attack opponent as being
"illogical."
13> Secret Service detail all seem to be wearing red shirts.
12> Her big campaign promise is to rename the "Star Wars" missile
defense system.
11> Campaign rallies always seem to end up in fistfights over the
relative merits of Kirk and Picard.
10> Advertising campaign is entirely in Klingon -- and it's working!
9> Voters are confused as Commander Data appears more life-like
than candidate Gore.
8> Opponent has bruises on his neck from all the pinching during
debates.
7> Other candidates forced to prove that they are not, in fact,
"Pro-Tribble."
6> It's hard to hear the rally speeches over the sound of all the inhalers.
5> Her numbers are up in the important "single male over 25 living in his
parents' basement" demographic.
4> Your opponent's campaign poster: "Phasers On Stan!" Your name: Stan.
3> He's sporting a pair of oversized pointy ears -- and he isn't Ross Perot.
2> Well, if you can find a ridge on that alien-looking guy's forehead, he's a
Klingon -- otherwise, he's James Carville.
and the Number 1 Sign "Star Trek" Characters Are Backing a Politician...
1> Every time an intern enters the room, campaign chairman Scotty
yells, "She's gonna blow!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
==================================================================
HOW TO AVOID SHARK ATTACKS:
1. Never Leave Kansas.
2. Roll in manure before diving.
3. Always dive with a buddy. When sharks approach, point your buddy, sometimes
small children work better.
4. Dive with a briefcase. Sharks may mistake you for an attorney and leave you
alone out of professional courtesy.
5. Learn the Macarena, it's know to scare off shark attacks.
They are immune to Hokey Pokey.
++++++++
Great Truths About Life That Adults Have Learned:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.
+++++++++
Life's Observations. . . . .
Moles are always smaller than you imagine.
At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your pint to toilet cycle gets synchronised with
a complete stranger.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether its against the law or
not to have a fire in your back garden.
You never know where to look when eating an apple.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a p*ss HAS flushed half way through
and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
No one knows the origins of their individual metal coat hangers.
A most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned
plug.
People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to
specifically stir paint with.
Everyone had a relative who tried to steal their nose.
Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child.
++++++++
CAMPING CAPERS.........
Now that summer is almost here, camping will be a favorite past-time for many of
you. To start a good campfire just follow these simple directions...
Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
Bandage left thumb.
Chop other fragments into smaller pieces.
Bandage left foot.
Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
Light match.
Try to light match again.
Repeat (without swearing) "A scout is cheerful" and light match.
Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into
base of fire.
Apply burn ointment to nose.
When fire is burning, collect more wood.
Upon discovering that fire has gone out while searching for more
wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
Re-label can to read "gasoline."
When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
+++++++++=
  
MALL MANNERISMS......
I HATE to shop. I can actually imagine doing some of
these things to relieve me of total boredom in the mall......
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson
if they make your butt look big.
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a
mannequin. Occasionally scream without warning.
Leer at a salesperson in the hardware department and ask
how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils,
and whether there's much meat on them.
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes,
and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing
to scratch yourself.
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant
and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof."
**^**^**^**^**^**^**^
THE MODERN TOOLBOX
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones
enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change
out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage
estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you
drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to
install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools.
Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase
testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point
it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the
incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow
over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90%
over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing
The power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting
airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally
built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing
or offer advice.
+++++++
Affirmations...
I am at one with my duality.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I
will move my TV into the bedroom.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about
the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my
parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving
as much as I'm getting.
++++++
Signs you live in 2002
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat, he emails you
back from his bedroom.
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout cookies via her website.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can
create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home.
9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the
screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6-months later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid for it.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first
20-50 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a
hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back
seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way
back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. [:)]
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else!!! yep...
+++++++++
You'd Love To Say It, But Don't Dare
What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!
And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
Do I look like a people person?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I
just wanted paychecks.
+++++++
 
Earthquake Safety
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster
can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you
and your loved ones make it through a quake:
~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the
plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying,
"I told you so."
~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving
rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
~ Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a
teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!
+++++++
World's Biggest Lies
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'll respect you in the morning.
3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
4. It's only a cold sore.
5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
6. My wife doesn't understand me.
7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
8. Of course I love you.
9. I am getting a divorce.
10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
11. I never inhaled.
12. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
13. I never watch television except for PBS.
14. ...but we can still be good friends.
15. She means nothing to me.
16. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
17. I gave at the office.
18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
19. I'll call you later.
20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
21. Read my lips: no new taxes.
22. I've never done anything like this before.
23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
24. It's supposed to make that noise.
25. I *love* your new _____!
26. ...then take a left. You can't miss it.
27. Yes, I did.
28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
++++++++
How You Can Tell When It's Going To Be A Rotten Day
-You wake up face down on the pavement.
-You put your bra on backward and it fits better.
-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-You wake up and discover the waterbed broke and then realize that you don't
have a waterbed.
-Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
++++++++
The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use
America Online, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
4. You get a Dear John E-mail...Your name is Fred.
5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark
instead of the usual 3!!!
7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think it’s a
professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the
decorations at her Jr. High prom!!
8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself
to be GRANDMA!!
++++++
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
- Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
- Hey there's no handles inside these car doors!
- Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
- What does this button do?
- So, you're a cannibal.
- It's probably just a rash.
- Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?
- Are you sure the power is off?
- Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
- What duck?
- Pull the pin and count to what?
+++++++
The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station
1. "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the
cancellation of your life insurance policy..."
2. Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking
about, Comrade Dave."
3. After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious
consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile
High" club.
4. It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
6. Mission Control asks if you can "beam down immediately."
7. Network news broadcasts have started referring to you as "Spam in a can."
8. No more Stoli.
9. That's one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side.
10. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir
Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms.
11. The Soviets announce the space station has a mild cold.
12. The Super Glue is gone and you're down to one roll of duct tape.
13. They've already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in "Apollo 13, Part II."
14. You and your comrades realize those weren't "spare" oxygen generator parts
you made the still out of.
15. You overhear Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff.
16. You translate a Russian message which reads "Jettison the American."
++++++
The Top 16 Signs You're on a Mafia Hit List
16> Your waiter wails in anguish as he tosses you the menu from
the kitchen.
15> Your plan to skim protection money was brilliant, unlike your
infomercial telling others how to do likewise.
14> AOL calls to tell you your ID has been changed to SammyTheWeasel.
13> Brakes seem squishy, accelerator's kinda stuck, and there's
a half-eaten canolli in your ashtray.
12> Three days in a row, you've thrown the Don's newspaper
underneath the lawn sprinkler.
11> Late payment notice for that $33.5 million loan pinned to
horse's head in your golf cart.
10> When making fun of his hair, you didn't realize that "Don"
is not Mr. King's name, it's his title.
9> Much too late, you realize that your "Italian loafers" comment
was misinterpreted.
8> "I'm afraid you've TP'd Mr. Sinatra's estate for the last time, my friend."
7> The sales guy at Thom McKann keeps steering you toward the Nike
"Concrete Jordans."
6> Tiny pieces of Jimmy Hoffa keep showing up in your salad.
5> New Dominos delivery guy is in his mid-50's, and he's wearing
a white suit with a black shirt.
4> The Witness Protection Program finds you a nice flat in Sicily.
3> The Don recommends you try the Fettucine Olestra.
2> Not only have you received the "kiss of death," but also the
"pat on the butt of death," the "hand on your knee of death,"
and now the "genital fondle of death."
and the Number 1 Sign You're on a Mafia Hit List...
1> The prostitute's head you found in your bed can only be the
work of Tony "Hard of Hearing" Mancuso.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
+++++++++++
  
Barbie dolls:
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and
large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.
Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus
with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely
taken their toll on Barb's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice
stone and plasters, then apply some foot cream, and then slip on soft terry
mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barb's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs
and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled
with doughnut holes(did you get it?) and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to
open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and
sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big
Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of
Alonzo(remember, she divorced Ken) sitting on the couch watching the tube,
clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. At no extra
charge, comes with earmuffs, for Alonzo to use when she starts yelling at him
for no apparent reason, which Barbie does regularly. As a bonus this year, the
book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
++++++++++++++
The Top 14 Hidden Meanings in Commercial Slogans...
"A diamond is forever." -- "Which is *exactly* how long you'll be hearing about
it from the wife if you don't cough up the green for some ice, pal."
"Built Ford tough" -- "It's an American version of tough; not *really* tough,
like German cars are tough."
"I can't believe it's not butter!" -- "Being around Fabio, for even a few
seconds, makes you dumb as a post."
"Pork; the other white meat" -- "When Heston starts screaming that it's
people, don't say we didn't warn you."
"An Army of one" -- "Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"
"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again" -- "You're too classy for a $50
hooker every week."
"Have it your way" -- "Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."
"Just Do It" -- "We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the
friggin' shoes."
"The new way to office" -- "The half-assed way to slogan."
"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." -- "Those damn
slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our soups!"
"Must-see TV" -- "Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"
"Calgon, take me away!" -- "I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."
and the top Hidden Meaning in a Commercial Slogan...
"Like a rock" -- "God knows we weren't selling many pickups with that Boy George
tune."
+++++++
Thirteen Things PMS Stand For....
13. Psychotic Mood Shift
12. Pack My Stuff
11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
10. Perpetual Munching Spree
9. Puffy Mid-Section
8. People Make Me Sick
7. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
5. Pimples May Surface
4. Pass My Sweatpants
3. Pissy Mood Syndrome
2. Plainly Men Suck
1. Pass My Shotgun
+++++++++
SICK OF GAS PRICES?
Sick of gas prices lately? Ponder these:
Diet Snapple, 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon.
Lipton Ice Tea, 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon.
Gatorade, 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon.
Pint of milk, 16 oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon.
Vick's NyQuil, 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon.
Pepto Bismol, 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon.
White Out, 7 oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon.
Scope, 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon.
And this is the real kicker:
Evian water, 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
Nyquil or Scope -- or spring water for that matter.
++++++++++
  
"Favorite Vacations Spots of......."
Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California
Virgin Mountain Climbers: Cherry Hiil, New Jersey
++++++++
Top 27 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable...... time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
***********
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or
Elvis-the-king@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors""
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it
that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective
if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what
you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the
bathroom."
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend
their party because you're not in the mood.
AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this e-mail to
everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.
++++++++++++++++++++
SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD APARTMENT:
1. It's the same bedroom you had as a kid, but now your parents
are charging you two grand a month.
2. Your building's security system is a cardboard cutout of Clint Eastwood.
3. Rent must be paid in small, non-sequential bills.
4. Every time you pass the doorman, he's wearing another article of your
clothing.
5. You cant get through your bedroom door because of the yellow police tape.
+++++++++
How to fail your driving test.
1..Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap
his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an
evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuvers. In the middle
of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car,
ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't
dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas.
Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
7. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
8. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner
to hold it up.
Warning: If you wish to pass the test, refrain from doing more
than two of these, and be sure to grin widely at the end. :-)
++++++++++
  
18 Signs You Hired The Wrong Clown
At your kid's birthday party...
18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the
"pull my finger" trick.
17. Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most
5-year olds.
14. Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide- screen TV.
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb"
trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other
animal shapes.
10. Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."
9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!
8. Wears a t-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of
showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing--a clown who spends the entire party
with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3. Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King".
2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
+++++++=
21 Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick
trip to the bathroom.
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return,
send the others to see what's taking him so long.
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the
door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave
the room.
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your
garage door opener.
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages
go.
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a rock
paper scissors tournament.
9. Forget your gun at home.
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancé that this is all a joke and would she
marry you.
As Negotiator:
1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the
stand-off.
2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It's always you you
you! What about my needs?!"
3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust
pepperoni and snicker loudly.
4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone
"La la la la! I can't hear you!"
6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay
if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV
movie of the stand-off.
8. Tell the hostage taker you think it would be really cool if a hostage came
flying out of a 52nd story window.
9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal
with him.
10.When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him,
"You're never gonna be on COPS with a wussy attitude like that."
++++++++++++
The Top 13 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend
13) You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your
Oldsmobile.
12) Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
11) Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
10) For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
9) Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's
pancakes.
8) For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*.
7) You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast
shakes made with Jim Beam.
6) Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
5) Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the
shape of a bottle.
4) The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to
find your pants.
3) Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan
of frying onions.
2) Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the
goat.
and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...
1) You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and
not a personal challenge.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
++++++++++++++
TOP EIGHT MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
8) Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an
Emmy
7) Jenny McCarthy--Struck by a random thought
6) Frank Sinatra--Killed by 'Stranglers in the Night'
5) RuPaul--Prostate cancer
4) O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
3) Madonna—Exposure
2) Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease
The No.1 MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
1) Bill Gates--Falls out of a Window
+++++++
30 Ways To Cope With Stress
1) Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you
can do at a time.
2) Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
3) Pay your electric bill in pennies.
4) When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5) Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6) Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
7) Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
nothing is wrong.
8) Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9) Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10) Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11) Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12) Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13) Dance naked in front of your pets.
14) Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
15) Drive to work in reverse.
16) Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
17) Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18) Write a short story using alphabet soup.
19) Polish your car with earwax.
20) Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21) Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22) Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23) Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
24) Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25) Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
26) Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
wrapper.
27) Do your assignments in binary code.
28) Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
29) Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask
for help.
30) Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
++++++++++++++
  
The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
12. Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!
11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.
10. Feel the force!
9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.
8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!
7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.
6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!
5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand up my ass.
4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.
3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?
2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!
1. Who’s your Jedi Master? Who’s your Jedi Master?
++++++++++++
Other things to do with a condom:
1. Hair tie
2. Replacement banana peel
3. Jell-O mold
4. Sew five together and you have a glove
5. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
6. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
7. Bean bag chair
8. Goody bag at children's parties
9. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
10. Piggy bank
11. Wet suit for a ferret
12. Vacuum/automobile exhaust - balloon rockets
13. Elastic fights...
14. Mouthpiece holder
15. To save farts
16. Finger puppets
17. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
18. Fill the sucker with hot wax n a string. Just before the wax starts to set
hard, crank it in a weird shape. Then let it harden. You'll get a really
innerestin candle. Oh, n don fergit ta grease er powder the inside. Otherwise,
you won get the dang thang off the candle, n boy, howdy, will it smell funny
when ya burn the thang.
19. Pencil case
20. Balloon animals
21. Wrapping paper
22. Water balloon (that's old)
23. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a
checkup...
24. Flower arrangement piece
25. Life preserver for a squirrel
26. Coffee table, discussion piece
27. Rubber boot for a peg leg
28. Garbage bag (Gets it to the curb)
29. Flea trampoline
30. Nose warmer for an anteater
31. Freezie maker
32. Bungee cord for a hamster
33. Christmas tree ornaments
34. Faulty G.I. Joe parachute
35. Wind sock
36. Make for some funky potato sack races
37. Golf ball carrier (for people who always loose their balls)
38. Business cards
39. Haloween costume (sew them together and see what you get)
40. Robbery-stocking mask, for a chicken
41. Latex toe warmers
42. Put small furry animals in them, tie them shut, then toss 'em in
your pool for hours of amusement
43. Saranwrap
44. Back-up small intestine
45. Totes for tots
46. Christmas Stocking (The more it stretches, the more it holds)
47. Leaf bag for a weed wacker
48. Tenser bandage
49. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
50. Whip
51. Makeshift Barbie clothing (for when Ken's in one of his moods and
looking for something super-slinky, tight and kinky...)
52. Bracelets
53. Use to transport narcotics across international borders
54. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
55. Wiener dog coat
56. Kneesock for a chicken
57. Use it to store your favorite piece of feces
58. A place to store and display one's gum collection (or any other
pride and joy...(see above)
59. Funnel
60. Cut a large hole for a garden hose
61. Antenna cover
62. Velcro one to your favorite recliner.. and use it as a remote control
holster!!!
63. ...Spread the seeds on, water it, and watch it grow, it's the NEW
chia-condom (different sizes and ribbed available)
64. Individual storage for hotdogs... for single people... Gotta hate
that freezer burn!!!
65. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
66. To keep candles dry when camping
67. Fill several of them with milk, tie them together, poke holes in
the ends and, Voila... instant udder.
68. Vacuum bag
69. Eye Patch for a pirate
70. Beach Ball
71. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
72. Whenever you have the primordial urge to imitate an elephant
73. Sleeping bag for a snake
74. Emergency hot air balloon
75. Nifty Hairnet
76. To quickly fill water pistols
77. The Great Hot Sauce Bomb (an exciting alternative to the old "water
balloon") filled with your favorite brand of hot sauce
78. Portable aquarium
79. Night Slippers
80. WEAR my socks for one more day!
81. Blow several of 'em up like balloons and tie 'em all over the
"newlywed" room, leave a note to not pop 'em, but save 'em in case they
run out... Really interesting effect if you blow up the colored ones,
but even your basic "plain wrapper" turns into a sort of silverish
ballon. For a colorful, glittery effect, you can go all out and put
confetti in some, real festive for a honeymoon... Only problem is the
INSIDES of them taste NASTY -- whatever that lubricant stuff is, it's
not too cool. Worse than the taste of the powder on the inside of
medical gloves (I know this because I've blown THOSE up to make rooster
comb head thingies for kids in the Emergency Room...)
82. Slingshot
83. Mutant slinky races
84. Canteen on long journeys
85. Smurf toque
86. Bicycle tire tube
87. Change purse
88. Wrap mail parcels
89. Lunch bag
90. Spittoon
91. Mouse trap
92. On Halloween, get the super size, roll it over your head and go to
a costume party dressed as a Peckerhead.
93. Long lasting chewing gum
94. Use it to represent the moon in your home-made solar system model.
95. A handy barf bag... if you don't puke too much that is, cause
they'd probably tend to build up some nasty pressure and you'd have to
clamp that thing pretty tight or else...
96. Goodyear Blimp model
97. Cheap beer snuggie
98. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty
breaks,(have fun with'em afterwards).
99. To carry your "seeing eye" goldfish.
100.Condoms are used in the army to keep sand and other things out of
the gun barrels... During desert storm Trojan sent about 1000 cases of
them over there
101.It can sure make a handy dandy planter for when you get that
gardening urge
++++++++++++++
 
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep:
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?
Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some
resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
3. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of
twine.
9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don't have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a
belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don't eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don't believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don't worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
++++++++++++
The Top 16 Signs Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning
16) That green tarp covering your pool? Look again, Sparky.
15) Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
14) That guy from Sunset Boulevard is REALLY beginning to smell gamey.
13) pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
12) Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
11) Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
10) New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
9) Jello-like water slowing the pace of water polo games to unacceptable levels.
8) Luke Skywalker and Yoda appear in search of the sunken X-Wing.
7) The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
6) "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.
5) You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
4) Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at poolside.
3) Your recently installed pool filter resembles the Marlboro Man's chest x-ray.
2) You haven't seen that much scum since Mickey Rourke's last movie.
... and the Number 1 Sign Your Swimming Pool Needs Cleaning...
1) The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run
for his money.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
+++++++++++++++++++++
Thoughts On Aging
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear
out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the
other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start
confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow
in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you
didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself
if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember
if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
++++++++
25 things you should have learned by the time you have reached middle age....
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change
places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
++++++++++++
The Top 16 Signs Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb
16> Three times this week she's come over to borrow a cup of uranium-238.
15> Daily muffled booms and the constant smell of charred hamster.
14> Her every outfit is coordinated with a matching lead apron.
13> There's a large pile of dead Jehovah's Witnesses at his front door.
12> The box-office total for the first weekend of his new movie,
"Bill and Monica's Excellent Adventure," was only $4860.
11> After listening attentively to your Amway spiel, she asks if you sell bomb
cleaner.
10> Always kind of squirrelly, his son Skippy is now completely
indistinguishable from one.
9> A 20-foot pineapple just ate your dog, kennel and all.
8> The nearest nuclear plant is 300 miles away, but your goldfish just started
quoting Aristotle.
7> You see a mushroom cloud in his back yard, yet his BBQ grill is covered.
6> Before: Whines about how nobody likes him.
Now: Cackles about how everyone will fear him.
5> You no longer step in your dog's poop now that it glows like neon.
4> Before you can even load the bong, that weed he grows in his
basement fires up all on its own.
3> None of his other bombs press you for anal.
2> You're a day late returning his hedge trimmer and he gets all "Hulk smash!"
on you.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb...
1> When CNN airs spy-plane footage of the suspected Al-Qaeda
terrorist compound, you spot your kid's Frisbee on the roof.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
+++++++++++++
The Top 20 Lines We'd LOVE to Hear in a "Star Wars" Movie
20> Yoda: "Big these ears are, and breathe through them I can.
Now, the nasty must we do!"
19> Princess Leia: "You're my BROTHER? Well, actually, that
kinda turns me on."
18> Anakin: "MAN, Amidala, you've got a nice pair of tauntauns!"
17> Shmi Skywalker: "So, you had to be a Jedi. You couldn't have
maybe been a doctor?"
16> Jedi Master Letterman: "Amidala, Barbarella. Barbarella, Amidala."
15> Luke: "C'mon, Uncle Owen, we've already GOT a protocol 'droid.
*PLEASE* can I get the sex 'droid?!?"
14> Obi-Wan: "Congratulations, Jar Jar. Jedi University has chosen you to be the
subject of their next biology lab."
13> Yoda: "Strong is The Force in this one... and large are the hooters on THIS
one!"
12> Mace Windu: "And womp rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but
I'll never know, 'cause I'll never eat the dirty mother*&!%#."
11> Yoda: "My 'English for Dummies' book! Missing it is. Seen it, have you?"
10> Anakin: "Dooku, you're gettin' a Dell!"
9> Amidala: "That 'show me your light saber' trick was cute when
you were 8, Anakin. Now put your pants back on."
8> Jar Jar Binks: "Doctor saysa meesa gotsa cancer. Meesa only livesa another
month."
7> Anakin: "Not tonight, Amidala -- I'm too tired. Just take my light saber and
put it on 'vibrate'."
6> Yoda: "Full of asthma, he is. Much noisy breathing in his future, I sense."
5> Darth Gates: "Our Jedi clones are almost ready, too. May I introduce: Windu
95, Windu 98, Windu 2000 and Windu XP."
4> Jar Jar Binks: "Lawzy, Miz Amidala -- Meesa don't know nothin' 'bout birthin'
no Jedi."
3> Yoda: "Dude, was I talking weird again last night? I always talk like that
when I'm wasted."
2> Jabba the Hutt: "...and a Diet Coke to drink."
and the Number 1 Line We'd LOVE to Hear in a "Star Wars" Movie...
1> Darth Vader: "Hello, AOL tech support? You have failed me for the last
time..."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
+++++++++++
How many members of your astrological sign does it take
to Change A Light Bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless
and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the
grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that
okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes!
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
+++++++++++
"The saga of the aging hippy!"
1971: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair
1971: The perfect high
2010: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1971: KEG
2010: EKG
1971: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux
1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to California because it's warm
1971: Growing pot
2010: Growing pot belly
1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1971: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage
1971: Popping pills, smoking joints
2010: Popping joints
1971: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM
1971: The Grateful Dead
2010: Dr. Kevorkian
1971: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint
1971: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney stones
1971: Being called into the principal's office
2010: Calling the principal's office
1971: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system
1971: Disco
2010: Costco
1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1971: Taking acid
2010: Taking antacid
1971: Passing the drivers test
2010: Passing the vision test
1971: Whatever
++++++++
Predictions For Year 2050
Florida To Be Readmitted to the Union
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Mother Lewinsky Dies - Jewish girl who became nun and Overcame Lurid
Past
Portland Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
George Z. Bush to Run for President
50 Year Study - Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
Pope Phil II Settles Custody Case with Ex-wife
Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage from Elders
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus on Mutants
Baby Conceived Naturally - Scientists Stumped
Authentic 2000 Chad Sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 Million
President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Wahoo" Ortega in
Cage Match
Manuel Noriega Released From Prison Buys Panama Canal
El Salvador Lands First Woman On Uranus
Dow Jones Hits New Low Of Minus -14
Castro Retires-Cuba Blames U.S.
The Internet Celebrates It's One Billionth Web Site
*******
THE 5 STAGES OF LIFE
1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
5. To Hell With It
+++++++
If You Love Her
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.
THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back...
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.
THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
+++++++
Good Bad And Worse
GOOD: You only gamble once a year - before NFL football begins.
BAD: You put $100 on the Vikings to win the Super Bowl, at 50 to 1.
WORSE: You hear your bookie giggling on the other end of the line...
GOOD: Your daughter has always been a free spirit.
BAD: She dropped out of college, to liberate her 'inner child'.
WORSE: It was a boy - 7 lb. 6 oz.
GOOD: It's in the divorce decree - the Ex must take the kids to church.
BAD: He's joined a church, but you suspect the kids don't attend.
WORSE: Wrong - they love to see the High Priestess strangle the chicken!
GOOD: You chose the Gold Shield Medical & Dental plan from your HMO.
BAD: You didn't read the fine print until today.
WORSE: The plan covers any medical problem with dental complications.
GOOD: Your husband has that sports gambling under control now.
BAD: You close on a second mortgage today, to pay his gambling debts.
WORSE: He bets a closer double or nothing the loan net is an odd number.
GOOD: You took all your shopaholic wife's credit cards and cut them up.
BAD: She seems to go out shopping more than ever now.
WORSE: She's always getting phone calls from some guy named John.
GOOD: Your boy has started to think seriously about a career.
BAD: He's narrowed it down to professional golfer or U.S. Senator.
WORSE: He can't find much on either career in the prison library.
GOOD: Dad's had a spring in his step and a girlfriend for 6 months now.
BAD: She suffers from Alzheimer's Disease.
WORSE: She's withholding her 'virtue' until he calls on her a few times.
GOOD: Your home improvement loan was approved!
BAD: They're paying off your credit card balances from the loan.
WORSE: There's enough left to 'improve' the WELCOME mat on the porch.
GOOD: You've been promoted to Manager of Customer Support at Bigsoft!
BAD: You'll get a new digital phone, now that you're on 24-hour call.
WORSE: They'll deduct its cost from your paycheck in easy installments.
+++++++
  
Warning, the remaining
Lists Humor on this page are R-Rated. Do not continue reading them if
you think that you might be offended in any way. You have been warned!
Return
to Joke/Humor Index
  
R-Rated Lists Humor:
Love Lust Or Marriage
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
++++++++
Five Kinds Of Sex
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you
both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage,
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have
kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in
the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is
when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....
++++++++
What Sex And Parking Spaces Have In Common
You should never have to wait to find one.
You should be able to slide right into one.
Spaces in the front are always the best.
When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will
always
suffice.
It sucks when someone else is double-parked.
Your space should still be open and waiting when you get
back.
It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are
only
'compact' spaces.
A full-size car is good to find.
People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces.
Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never
satisfying.
We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited"
time limit.
A house isn't a home without a parking space.
Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear.
Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like
parking in the rear?
The better your parking techniques are the more parking
spaces you can
get into.
*********
The Top 13 Surprises in the New Kama Sutra
13> The most recommended new positions all require a Segway.
12> "Warning: Objects on these pages are more limber than their
real-life counterparts."
11> That position on page 215 was *intended* as a back-scratching technique.
10> The "Flying Tiger Lotus" position has been renamed "Really Good Way To Watch
Satima's Boobies Bounce."
9> Apparently, sex is supposed to be fun. Won't Mrs. Falwell be surprised?
8> The "Trampoline" position is often followed by the "Hospital Bed" pose.
7> The back seat of an SUV is an acceptable substitute for positions calling for
making love on a water buffalo.
6> The dedication page includes a shout-out to "the sultry sounds of Barry
White."
5> Turns out the best way to get a woman aroused is to blow gently into her
*rear*.
4> Yogi Todd claims: "I knew this one dude who tried to do #72, 'Entwined
Serpents,' all by himself and got stuck that way. Seriously, man."
3> Warning: Avoid the "Squatting Lotus" position after eating Mexican food.
2> "The Flying Swan Anticipates the Ecstasy of Flight" from the original text is
now correctly translated as "Lonely Dude Makes a Booty Call."
and the Number 1 Surprise in the New Kama Sutra...
1> It's the simple story of a nerdy average lover bitten by a radioactive
hooker.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
+++++++++++
The Top 15 Reasons You Weren't Picked as an "American Idol" Finalist
15> The judges were evidently unimpressed by your rendition of "Cop Killer."
14> Your simultaneous efforts to get a Florida State football scholarship left
you with a bad steroid rash and confusing secondary sexual characteristics.
13> The "Survivor" producers are still looking for you in Tora Bora.
12> Imitating Marilyn Monroe's version of "Happy Birthday" is just plain creepy
when you sing it in your old high school football uniform.
11> Instead of a contract with Death Row Records, your singing actually landed
you on death row.
10> You should have thought twice about thanking Uncle Osama after singing your
rousing pop song, "Death to America."
9> Your vocal resonance was consistently impaired by that finger in your nose.
8> Yes, the bald look is in. Yes, bowling shirts can be cool. Adding
"accountant" to the mix was pushing it, though.
7> The "unique" sound the judges mentioned was actually your voice box running
low on batteries.
6> In your navel: A big diamond stud. In your teeth: A big piece of spinach.
5> A true superstar would have kept right on singing "Love Theme from 'Titanic'"
after the judges started shooting.
4> A Cher impersonator better be able to sing -- even more so one who refuses to
shave his legs.
3> Perhaps this wasn't the time to debut your song, "Paula Abdul Looks Like a
Fool."
2> That was probably the first time the judges had ever heard "The Greatest Love
Of All" sung with so much profanity.
and the Number 1 Reason You Weren't Picked as an "American Idol"...
1> Your breasts are bigger than Britney's -- and your penis is bigger than Tommy
Lee's.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
++++++++
More reasons you did not make the American Idol Finals:
Can't hit the high notes without a vise grip on your genitalia.
Competing would be in violation of your "Ms. Karaoke 2002" title.
Damn Secret Service kept stealing the tequila required for your big comedy
routine.
Once again, your breast implants played havoc with your accordion playing.
Previous modeling experience restricted to "before" pictures.
The song you wrote for the occasion, "Death to the Snarky Limey," probably
wasn't your best choice of material.
Two of the judges thought you were a lousy lay and the other one was British.
Who knew Steve Martin did the cat-juggling thing, like, *decades* ago?
You couldn't raise the necessary $20 million to bribe the producers.
Your day gig: Singing to drive away rodents and other pests.
Your talent-to-humpability ratio was far too high.
"Bach Wind Music from Butt Cheeks" has very limited appeal.
During preliminary interviews, you made the mistake of admitting that you
actually read books for pleasure.
Shaking your butt on stage would result in over a dozen OSHA safety violations.
Special celebrity judge Bob Dylan slammed your diction and pitch control.
That growing dark groin stain that appeared 30 seconds into your act.
The ACLU describes your singing as "cruel and unusual punishment."
The big breasts and bare midriff work better for women.
The moment you started singing, Fran Drescher spun around and said, "What's that
awful caterwauling!?"
Your big choice for your final-round number: The theme song to "Mr. Ed."
You declared the judging table a "no-spin zone."
You have a voice as big as all outdoors, and a butt twice that size.
You were certain kids these days still love Vaudeville.
You were too busy eating fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches
and snorting coke to get off the crapper and sing.
Your certificate from the Ed Grimley School of Dance left you woefully
unprepared.
Your head is clouded with ideas of your own.
Your high notes were fine; it was the resulting nationwide chorus of howling
dogs that turned off potential fans.
++++++++
Top 15 Star Wars Euphemisms for Masturbation
15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14. Grooming the Wookie
13. Making the Kessel Run
12. Polishing Vader's Helmet
11. Evacuating Tatooine
10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
9. Releasing the Special Edition
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
7. Communicating with Red Leader One
6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
1.Test Firing the Death Star
++++++++++
  
TOP TWENTY WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
++++++++++++
Nine Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions.... But Never
Will
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that f**king ice cream
and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to
you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
************
How would you like to tell people you live in one of these places?
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cornwall (UK)
Cucumber (West Virginia, USA)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic)
Donk (Belgium)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Stains (Near Paris, France)
Tittybong (Australia)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Twatt (Shetland, UK)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
********
The Top 13 More Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
13) You've got Windows on your laptop.
12) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
11) Your dork is ajar.
10) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
9) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
8) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
7) Elvis Junior has left the building!
6) Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
5) Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
4) Your closet door is open and Donato's peeking out.
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I see you have an opening in senior management.
And the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...
1) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
+++++++++++++++++++++
GOOD…BAD…WORSE
GOOD: The female teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually
WORSE: He stays in “detention” after class every day.
GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.
BAD: Your teenage child crashed a car.
WORSE: It was your car.
GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.
GOOD: Your daughter's on the pill.
BAD: She's eleven.
BAD: The punch at the party was spiked.
WORSE: With cynide and rat poison.
+++++++
GOOD…BAD…UGLY
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's a man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients
+++++++
Good Bad And Worse
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price!
BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop.
WORSE: The tailor there has never seen a Stanley Armani suit before.
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again!
BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay.
WORSE: You haven't told your wife.
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader!
BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash.
WORSE: It's jock itch.
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love!
BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty-handed.
WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage.
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV.
BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999.
WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet!
BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there!
WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - www.kiddiesleaze.com.
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C Fillmore Jr. High
school.
BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son &
daughter.
WORSE: You only have one kid.
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your
gardener.
BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him.
WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan.
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the
Boss.
BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week.
WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute.
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon.
BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay.
WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not.
++++++
  
Various Heights
Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana
tree.
Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake
to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger
pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with zip.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass
itching
+++++++
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING CONDOMS
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9 . If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your
trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
++++++++
The Top 13 Rejected Lines from Fairy Tales
13> Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince from the magical
land of Nantucket who had a trusty broadsword so large that...
12> And then the Frog said to Princess Elspeth, "What, no tongue?"
11> So party of the first part and the party of the second part
lived happily -- and legally -- ever after.
10> The wicked surrogate mother convinced the biological parents
to leave the frozen embryos in the forest, where she planned
to conduct stem-cell research on them.
9> Cinderella then demanded, "Dude, where's my coach?"
8> In the lawsuit, Goldilocks accused the three bears of
negligence, claiming that their having left the scalding-hot
porridge where it could easily be stolen led directly to her
third-degree tongue burns.
7> "Yes, Your Highness, it's a very nice slipper -- but do you
have something with a higher heel?"
6> "Not by the hair of my crotchety-crotch-crotch!"
5> Sleeping Beauty awoke from her 100-year-slumber, sat up and
told the prince, "Dude, that NyQuil sh*t is AWESOME."
4> That night, after the princess told him she was going to
have his child, the prince put out to sea, vowing never
to return.
3> And after the prince did slay the mighty dragon, knights from
the far-away land called PETA did hound him the rest of his
days.
2> "Hey, Mr. Building Inspector," shouted the little pig, "if
you got a problem with my straw architecture, you can just
blow me."
and the Number 1 Rejected Line from a Fairy Tale...
1> Then Mama Bear said, "SOMEBODY has been using my... umm...
magical vibrating wand -- and the batteries are all dead!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
++++++++++
Harsh things a woman can say to a naked man...
- Ahhhh, it's cute.
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Make it dance.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow! ;-)
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won't take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- It looks so unused.
- What is that?!
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Is that an optical illusion?? ;-)
++++++++
Whore House Slogans
1. More Fuck for your Buck!
2. More Honey for your Money!
3. More Gash for your Cash!
4. More Hole for your Pole!
5. More Head for your Bread!
6. More Booty for your Looty!
7. More Strange for your Change!
8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
9. Will suck for a buck!
10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !
*+*+*+*+
The Top 15 Things Men Don't Know About Women's Restrooms
15 Actually, more wall boogers.
14 Nearly impossible to see the genitalia of the woman peeing next to you.
13 *Their* hand dryers run for exactly the right amount of time.
12 Special mist agent in ventilation reinforces immunity to fart jokes and keeps
them believing that things like scrapbooks, fashion magazines and foreplay are
great ideas.
11 Those built in electronic appliances only *look* like hair dryers.
10 They have closed circuit TV and live action commentary from the camera poised
over the urinals in the men's room.
9 Domestic beers and rail drinks are 2-for-1, all the time.
8 Women receive bonus miles with each purchase from the tampon dispenser.
7 Hot and cold running boy toys -- why do you *think* we take so long?
6 Spontaneous lesbian orgies break out only about half as much as guys tend to
think.
5 The towel boys attired as gladiators, not Egyptian slave boys.
4 They have sculpted Italian marble commodes, 24-karat gold fixtures and
ultra-premium, ultra-soft toilet paper. Either that or less urine on the floor.
3 Women's restrooms remain virtually odor free because any unpleasant odors are
piped directly into the men's room next door.
2 We get naked, wrestle playfully in the mud bath, play keep-away with the soap
in the shower, towel-dry each other, reapply makeup and discuss the size of your
penis. Getting back into our damned pantyhose is what takes so long, though.
1 Restrooms?!? Men don't know squat about WOMEN!!
*+*+*+*+*+
Signs Your Weekend Sucked
1. Huge grill marks on your ass.
2. Stay in the local burn ward now part of the family cookout tradition.
3. Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly burned into your memory.
4. Your improbable kebob skewer mishap headlines local paper.
5. Your barbeque fire consumed 10,000 acres.
6. Your five-year-old took the phrase "weiner roast" literally.
7. While you baked in the sun, drinking buddies placed a DUMBASS stencil on your
forehead.
8. Your Ball Park Frank didn't plump, if you know what I mean
++++
THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works, right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. This is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Nevermind, why bother.
++++++
125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX
1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.
+++++++++++++
THE PENIS LIST
The Taco Bell Penis
Yo quiero penis.
The 7-Up Penis
The UN-penis.
The AT&t Penis
Reach out and touch someone.
The Alka-Seltzer Penis
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is...
The All State Penis
You're in good hands.
The American Express Penis
Don't leave home without it.
The Army Penis
Be all that you can be.
The Bacardi Penis
Taste the feeling.
The Beef Penis
It's what's for dinner.
The Bic Lighter Penis
Go ahead and flick my penis.
The Big Red Penis
It's longer with big red.
The Borden Penis
It's GOT to be good.
The Borg Penis
Resistance is futile.
The Bounce Penis
With Static-Guard!
The Bounty Penis
The quicker picker-upper.
The Miller Lite Penis
Great taste, less filling.
The Budweiser Penis
This bud's for you.
The Burger King Penis
Have it your way.
The Campbells Soup Penis
Mmmm mmm good.
The Captain Planet Penis
Go PENIS!!
The Charmin Penis
Don't squeeze the penis!
The Charmin Double Roll Penis
It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The Chevy Truck Penis
Like a rock!
The Chips Ahoy Penis
Betcha bite a chip.
The Visa Penis
It's everywhere you want to be.
The Crest Penis
Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Dairy Queen Penis
Hot eats, cool treats.
The Dairy Queen Penis II
We treat you right!
The Diet Coke Penis
Just for the taste of it.
The Domino's Pizza Penis
Delivers in 30 min or less.
The Doublemint Penis
Chewing really satisfies.
The Dr. Pepper Penis
Wouldn't you like to be a penis too?
The Edge Shaving Cream Penis
Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Eggo Penis
Leggo my penis!
The Energizer Penis
It keeps going and going...
The Equal Penis
Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin Penis
It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Extra Penis
Lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis
10 million strong and growing.
The Folger's Crystals Penis
It's freeze dried to seal in the freshness.
The best part of wakin up is a penis in your cup.
The Ford Penis
Built Ford tough.
The Frosted Flakes Penis
They're GGGR RRRRR EEEEAA AAATTT!
The Generic Penis
One size fits all.
The Gilette Penis
The best a man can get.
The Heinz Penis
Good things come to those who wait.
The Highlander Penis
There can be only one.
The Janet Jackson Penis
What have you done for ME lately?
The Jell-o Penis
Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.
The Juicyfruit Penis
The taste is gonna move ya.
The Kenny Rogers Penis
You've got to know when to hold 'em.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis
Everybody needs a little.
The Kix Penis
Kid tested, mother approved.
The Lava Lamp Penis
Hee hee hee!!!!!
The Lays Penis
Betcha can't eat just one.
The Life Call Penis
It's fallen and it can't get up.
The Life Penis
Mikey likes it.
The Life Savers Penis
Five fruity flavors.
The Little Caesar's Penis
Penis!! Penis!!
The Little Caesar's Penis
Pleaser!! Pleaser!!
The Lucky Charms Penis
They're magically delicious.
The McDonald's Penis
Over 8 billion served.
The McDonald's Penis II
Have you had your break today?
The Macintosh Penis
Power is everything.
The M&M Penis
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand .
The Magnavox Penis
Smart. Very Smart.
The Mazda Penis
It just feels right.
The Maxwell House Penis
Good to the last drop
The Micro Machines Penis
A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Milk Penis
It does a body good.
The Milk Penis II
Got penis?
The Mortal Kombat Penis
Nothing can prepare you.
The Mr. Clean Penis
Is it wet or is it dry?
The Neon Penis
Hi.
The Nike Penis
Just do it.
The Nintendo Penis
Now you're playing with power.
The Nuprin Penis
Little, Yellow, Different.
The Nyquil Penis
The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching,
burning, so you can rest penis.
The Payday Penis
It's almost totally nuts!
The Pizza Hut Penis
Makin' it great.
The Pringles Penis
Once you pop, you can't stop
The Purdue Chicken Penis
More meat, less bone.
The Ragu Penis
Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Raid Penis
Kills bugs dead.
The Rave Music Penis
Ya'll ready for this?
The Reese's Penis
How do you eat your penis?
The Rice Krispies Penis
What does your penis say to you?
The Rick James Penis
It's superfreaky.
The Right Guard Penis
Anything less is uncivilized
The Robitussin Penis
Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin Penis II
Recommended by Dr. Mom.
The Rush Limbaugh Penis
Bald and fat.
The Sears Penis
Come see the brighter side of penis.
The Secret Penis
Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Sega Penis
PENIS!
The Skittles Penis
Taste the penis
The Snickers Penis
It satisfies you.
The Sony Play Station Penis
You are not ready.
The Sprite Penis
Image is nothing... Taste is everything. Obey your Penis.
The Star Wars Penis
Use the penis, Luke!
The Starburst Penis
The juice is loose.
The Subway Penis
Where fresh is the taste
The Swiss Miss Penis
The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The Timex Penis
Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin
The Tombstone Penis
What would you like on your penis?
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis
How many licks DOES it take...?
The Toyota Penis
I love what you do for me.
The Transformers Penis
It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis
It makes mouths happy.
The Uncle Sam Penis
We want you.
The Virginia Slims Penis
You've come a long way, baby.
The Wendy's Penis
Where's the beef?
The Wonder Bubbles Penis
Magic wand inside!
The Wonder Bubbles Penis II
For ages 3 and up
The Yellow Pages Penis
Let your fingers do the walking.
The Rolaids Penis
It spells relief
The Mylanta Penis
My Doctor said my penis
The Stick-Ups Penis
Stick it to em with penis!
The NBC News Penis
Now more than ever.
The Jello Penis
There's always room for penis
The Pork Penis
The other white meat
The Grand Prix
Wider is Better
The Colgate Penis
Now that's something to smile about
The Hamburger Helper Penis
Makes a great meal!
The Coco Puff Penis
You'll go cuckoo for penises.
The Taco Bell Penis II
Make a run for the penis.
The Wheaties Penis
The breakfast of champions.
Exxon Penis
Put a penis in your tank.
Lucent Penis
We make the things that make penises work.
Ocean Spray Penis
Crave the Penis.
Staples Penis
Yeah, we got penis.
+++++++++++
  
Astrological After-sex Comments:
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
+++++++
Another Penis List
The Nuprin Penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
The Equal Penis: Tastes like Sugar.
The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing...Taste is everything.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Alka Seltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is..
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Pringles Penis: Once you pop, you can't stop
The MandM Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The Frosted Flakes Penis: GGGRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The Lucky Charms Penis: Magically delicious
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going
The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized
The Jolly Green *Giant* Penis: Self-explanatory
The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm mmm good
The Purple Pickle Penis: Heh heh
The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your Penis?
The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Chips Ahoy Penis: Betcha bite a chip.
The Purdue Penis: More meat, less bone.
The All State Penis: You're in good hands.
The 7-Up Penis: The UN-Penis.
The Nike Penis: Just do it.
The Barq's Penis: The one with bite.
The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner.
The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.
The Subway Penis: Where fresh is the taste.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis: Finger licking good?
The Life Penis: Mikey likes it.
The Transformers Penis: It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.
The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with power.
The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Champion Penis: The official Penis of the U.S.A. Olympic Team.
The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.
The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me.
The Citibank Visa Penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on....
The Burger King Penis: Have it your way... everyone loves The whopper
The Dairy Queen Penis: Hot eats, cool treats
The Milk Penis: It does a body good.
The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing
The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?
The Captain Planet Penis: Go PENIS!!
The Folger's Crystals Penis: The best part of wakin up is a Penis in
your...
The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Mr. Clean Penis: Is it wet or is it dry?
The Diet Coke Penis: Just for The taste of it...
The Doublemint Penis: Chewing really satisfies.
The Juicyfruit Penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Big Red Penis: It's longer with big red.
The Neon Penis: Hi.
The Generic Penis: One size fits all.
The Rave Music Penis: Ya'll ready for this?
The Mortal Kombat Penis: Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Pizza Hut Penis: Makin' it great. Again and Again.
The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!
The Domino's Pizza Penis: 30 minutes or less :(
The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time
The Wonder Bubbles Penis: Magic wand inside!
The Gillette Penis: The best a man can get.
The Charmin Double Roll Penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The Bacardi Penis: Taste The feeling.
The Macintosh Penis: Power is everything.
The Borg Penis: Resistance is futile.
The Edge Shaving Cream Penis: Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis Penis: Thinks it's The Beatles Penis.
The Jell-O Penis: Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph-balanced for a woman.
The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Sanka Penis: Get that good to the last drop feeling.
The Swiss Miss Penis: The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!
The Payday Penis: It's almost totally nuts!
The Unisys Penis The power of two...
The Snickers Penis: A nut in every bite
The Presidential Penis: Been there, done that
The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
The Sony Play Station Penis: You are not ready.
The Life Savers Penis: Five fruity flavors.
The Trojan Penis: Don't forget your rubbers
The McDonald's Penis: Would you like some fries with that.
The Nyquil Penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching,
burning, so you can't rest Penis.
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I'M BUSIER THAN ...
... Michael Jackson in a day care center
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-fucked fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a GOP victory party organizer
... a monkey trying to fuck a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin
...an Enron CPA trying to explain their accounting 'system '
...a one Legged man in an an ass kicking contest
...a one armed paper hanger
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The Top 15 Sex Toys Derived From Children's Stories
15> Jimmy Neutron, Girl Explorer
14> Evil Stepsisters Dominatrix Kit
13> Inflatable Winnie the Pooh (with realistic "hunny pot")
12> Wizard of "Aaahhhhhhhs" Vibrator
11> "Where the Wild Things Are" Play Sleazy Singles Bar
10> Curious George's Banana Surprise
9> The Cat in the Jimmy Hat
8> Charlotte's Ribbed (for Her Pleasure)
7> Lemony Snicket's Unfortunate Events Gift Set: handcuffs,
blindfold, whip and inflatable Count Olaf doll
6> Puss in Boots, Fishnets and Latex
5> Bertie Botts' Every-Flavor Edible Underpants
4> SpongeBob SansPants
3> NAMBLA's Pinocchio And Geppetto Playset
2> "The Neverending Stiffy" Vibrator
and the Number 1 Sex Toy Derived From a Children's Story...
1> The 'Nardy Boys (Ben-Wa balls in the shape of Shaun Cassidy's
and Parker Stevenson's heads)
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2002 by Chris White ]
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