Marriage Humor 

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I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.

"Well, okay," she replied, "but leave some ID--a driver's license or credit card."

"But my husband is here getting his hair cut," I explained.

"Yeah... but we need something you'll come back for."

+++++

Marriage Quotes

-- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

-- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

-- Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

-- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

++++

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "You know I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the woman

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere." The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'. 

++++

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer...'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar.... You know...they have frozen glasses...... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit
pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKIN' MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SOO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?'

And they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story?

MARRIED LIFE ...............
MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP!!!

++++  

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

++++

His aching back made it impossible for my friend’s husband to get a decent night’s rest on their lumpy mattress. “Until I feel better, I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he announced.

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn’t a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn’t resist: “Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you’re back in our bed.”

++++

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
 mother-in-law to the airport.

+++

The Three Ages of Marriage:

20 is when you watch Jay Leno after.
40 is when you watch Jay Leno during.
60 is when you watch Jay Leno instead.

======<><><>======

How to Drive your Wife Crazy

1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about
cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take
care of myself. You know, just in case.

2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every
pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of
everything everywhere.

3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink
and then at the mirror.

4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in
the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."

5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop
them in the washing basket.

6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything
else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say,
"Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

8. Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake
up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you
know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her
something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure
it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start
having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she
repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh
stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."

11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been
on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get
home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand
new white trainers.

14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in
place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to
allow the article to slip off.

15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she
didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve
to say I never listen to YOU."

16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in
time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say,
"I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says
that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember
she's young. I remember when you looked good too."

18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you
made, use the best towels in the house.

19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over
the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the
same size you did when you got married.

20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say,
"Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose
egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

+++

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so
busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

+++

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

+++

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

+++

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife
like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

+++

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's
no wonder that brides often blush.

+++

On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
past...but never the present.

+++

A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you
stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'.
No wife of mine is gonna work.

+++

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when
the interest is kept up.

+++

Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook,
sew, make bed, and is in good health...and he's
already used to taking orders.

+++++

Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th
wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a
chicken tonight?"

"Naw, said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something'
that happened 50 years ago?"

+++++++

A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband
set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in
the process, she told him that he would now need to
choose and enter a password.
In other words, something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his
wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to
enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in .
P E N I S

His wife fell off of her chair laughing when the
computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

--------------

What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife?

The hooker says, "You're not done yet?"

The girlfriend says, "You're done already!"

The wife says, "Biege, I think I'll paint the ceiling biege.

++++++++++

A man came home from a poker game late one night and
found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with
a rolling pin.

"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.

"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said.
"I've just lost you in a card game."

"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically.

"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold
with a royal flush."

~~~~~

A married couple was having a disagreement while sitting
in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."

To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."

+++++

There are those people out there that say that they don't believe in
Marriage because it is only a piece of paper. Are you one of those
people? Come on. Be honest. Well if you are, could you send me a couple
of hundred bucks. I mean it is only paper. Ahhh, so now you believe in
paper???

++++++++

A guy is out with buddies, has few drinks, gets horny, but
true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in
bed with her mouth wide open.

He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth. Of course
she chokes but recovers and asks "What did you put in my
mouth?"

He says, "two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE !!!!"

He says, "That's what I wanted to hear!"

+++++

Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street ...
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant ...
Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa ...
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children ...
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early ...
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite ...
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear ...
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame ...
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws ...
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

+++++++

A couple was having a discussion about family
finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it
weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be
here!"

His wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your
money, I wouldn't be here."

+++++++

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate
your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law
better than I like mine."

+++++

Boring husband: "Honey, why are you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

Bored wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"

++++++

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned, but then
smiled, "Wow! It really works!"

+++++

My wife came home the other night and said,
'honey take my blouse off.'

I said, 'ok!'

She said, 'honey take my skirt off.'

I said, 'ok!'

She said, 'honey take my bra off.'

I said, 'ok!'

She said, 'honey take my panties off.'

I said, 'ok!'

Then she told me never to wear them again!

+++++++

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on ever ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

++++++

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me
struck up a conversation. He was telling me that his wife
was getting carried away with her shopping when a brief
electrical glitch caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"That must be her checking out now," he sighed.

++++++

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11
children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife
replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

+++++

An older couple wake up in the morning and the husband
looks over at the woman and says, " Wow! You wouldn't
believe the dream I had..."

And the woman replied, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband told her. "I had a dream that you left me
after 20 years of being married."

So the wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

My wife came home the other day and said, "Honey, the car
won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the
carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I
don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor
from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor"
she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look.
Where is it?"

"In the lake!"

++++++++

A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

"Why did you wait so long to report it?"

"Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."

*******

This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during
the hot summer (as it should be, right?) and he went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air
conditioned house all day, looking at the babes in the tight spandex,
doing their exercises, so she shot back at him.

"Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was." The man went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, a baked potato and a big glass of tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"

He looked at her in surprise. "Yours??? What do you mean yours? I
thought you were dead."

+++++++

 Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the
telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after
25 minutes.

"What is the matter today?", asked her husband.

"Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."

"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.

+++++++=

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Oh, Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him 'Mother didn't come after all.'  "

+++++++

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?"

The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid bitch.'"

+++++++=

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

+++++++

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor,
was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the
other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the
word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent
you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you
very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters
stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

+++++++++

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

+++++++

Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.

'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?

So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'

'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said.

'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'

'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'

'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'

'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'

'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'

'And what does your present husband do for a living?'

'He's a mortician.'

'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'

'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand... One for the money... Two for the show...Three to get ready... And four to go!'

++++++++++++++

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your
fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

++++++++++

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You
know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately
you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell
his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.

"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with
wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible
negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom.
They make the most passionate love they have ever made.
The man is beside himself.

Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing
she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they
were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky,
but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying
wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You
don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

<><><><><>

A women awoke in the middle of the night to find her husband
not in bed. Thinking he must be in the bathroom she rolled
over and went back to sleep. She awoke a short time later to
find him still gone.

Deciding this was a bit strange she got up to see if she could
find him. She looked in the bathroom but he wasn't there. She
went down stairs and looked around but could not find him. As
she was passing the basement door she heard a noise. She went
into the basement and heard a sobbing noise coming from a
corner.

When she approached the corner she could see her husband on the
floor in the fetal position crying. "what's wrong honey?" she
asked.

"You wouldn't understand he cried, this is the worst day
of my life" he said.

"Why, what is it, you can tell me" she said.

"Oh, do you remember when we were 16 and I got you
pregnant" he sobbed.

"Yes, of course"

"and do you remember we went and told your dad, and
he said I either had to marry you or go to jail"

"well yes" she said.

"I would have gotten out today!!!!!!" he cried.

+++++++++

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all
hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music
and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much
time trying to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being
pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the
entire weekend partying with the boys and spending
his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he
was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply
said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two
or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just
enough where he could see her a little out of the
corner of his left eye.

++++++++++

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a
friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go
shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like
cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

++++++++++

There was an elderly couple from Iowa visiting New
Zealand on vacation a few years ago. They rented
a car and decided to tour the Nth. Island.

No sooner had they reached the countryside
when Mother, who was the driver and was hard
of hearing, was pulled over by a traffic cop for
speeding.

The traffic cop did the twirly thing with his fingers
to wind down the window, which she did.

The cop said to her, "Madam, you were doing
over the legal speed limit."

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

Her husband shouted, "He said you were speeding."

She said to the cop, "I'm sorry officer."

To which the officer replied, "I'm afraid I'm going
to have to issue you with a speeding ticket."

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

He shouted back, "He said he's going to cite
you for speeding."

By this time the cop had become aware of her
hearing problem, and as he was writing out the
ticket, he asked, "Where are you from?"

She said to her husband, "What did he say?"

He yelled back,
"He wants to know where you're from."

She said to the cop,
"I'm from the United States of America."

The cop then muttered to himself,
"I went there once and had the worst sex
I'd ever had in my life."

She said to her husband "What did he say?"

He replied in a very loud voice,

"HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

++++++++

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with
some friends when the subject of marriage
counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I
have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college, and
I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like
I'm listening."

++++++++++

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd
have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her,
huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest,"
the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and
closed the curtains!"

+++++++++

Bob was in his usual place in the morning - sitting at the
table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an
article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a
football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ
and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his
face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the
most attractive wives."

Marlene replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

++++++++

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't
notice it."

++++++

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops
down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,

"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before
it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down
next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick,
get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going
to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're
nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

++++++++++

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife
by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is
really nice, that after all these years that you
have been married, you keep calling your wife
those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell
the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

<><><><><>

A couple was down and out financially, so the husband
decides that the only solution is for his wife to sell her
body. So, come nightfall, she stands at a corner in a bad
part of town.

The following morning, the husband goes to pick up his wife
and finds her a complete wreck, her dress torn, her hair
unraveled - the works. Yet she is smiling.

"Look honey, I made 40 dollars and 50 cents."

The furious husband asks, "What? Who gave you 50 cents?"

His wife turns and says, "Well, all of them!"

++++++++

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be
a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says,
"Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again.

Again she says no. So the husband says, "Is that your
final answer?"

The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

+++++

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband
told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the
door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always
ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she
keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the
television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex,
or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured,
but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips
close to my ear and whispers,

'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"

++++++++

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling
out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle
five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking
Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in
public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

+++++++++

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of
those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was
I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

+++++++++

Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Kristi," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice.

"I...I Have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Kristi whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."

+++++++++

A man and his wife have separate bedrooms because of his
loud snoring. One night when he was feeling amorous, he
called out to his wife. "Oh my little boopey-boo, I miss
you."

So his wife got up went to his room, but as she was walking
in she tripped on the carpet and fell flat on her face.

"Oh," he said sweetly, "did my little honey-woney hurt her
little nosey-wosey?"

The woman gets up, enters her husband's bed and they make
passionate love.

Afterward, as she is going back to her room she once again
trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man raises his head from the pillow, looks at his wife
lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch."

++++++++=

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument,
she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists.

"Every argument we have, she'll go ..
"I still remember that time when you ...."

++++++++

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I
attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had
already had at least one child. The instructor
raised the issue of breaking the news to the older
child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love
you so much we decided to bring another child into this
family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your
husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you
so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately.
"Does she cook???"

++++++++

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several
years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The
doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut
out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he
should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both
from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without
sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his
wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

++++++++++

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and
left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened
the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red
roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her
favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique
delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!"
she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog
Day in my life!

+++++++++++

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning
her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,
"How many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her
hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, then started to count on his fingers
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....

+++++++++

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She
got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all
hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the
fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest
in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so
drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good
enough for me."

+++++++++

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

+++++++++

My wife seems to be losing her sense of humor for no apparent reason.

Why, just the other day she got mad when she announced that
she was going to the beauty parlor.

I asked, "Are you going in for an estimate, or are you going
to get the work done?"

+++++++++

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" in Texas. The cowboy
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The
one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into
too much traffic."

++++++++

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than
men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on
average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use
30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her
husband that women use twice as many words as men
because they have to repeat everything they say.

"What?" he says!

++++++++

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the
couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple?
How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they
meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't
know her well enough."

++++++++++

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife
was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought
he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of gold."

She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello,"
she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims
to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question;
are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we
found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

++++++

A man walks into his front door and the following conversation takes place.

The husband: "Hurray,- I won ,- Hurray I won. I'm a lotto millionaire.

His wife: "That's fantastic,- after all these years"

The husband: "Yes - go up and pack"

The wife: "Yes of course - should I pack summer or winter-clothes?"

The husband: "Pack whatever you like, you're getting out of my life anyway

++++++++

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my
Wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why she said "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more....
... then farted."

+++++++++

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was
alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I
assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

++++++++++

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after bagging items the
woman wished to purchase. As the customer fumbled for her wallet,
the cashier noticed a TV remote control in her purse.

Curious, the cashier asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote?"

"Oh, no," she replied merrily. "But my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was a great way to get even."

+++++++++

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

++++++++

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I sometimes forget how
backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my
senses, and you have my full blessings to marry my daughter.

Your future father-in-law,

Jagmohan Singh, Ph.D.

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

<><><><><>

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said,
"Wake up! Someone is breaking in!"

The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years,
and he knew that the only way he would get any
rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there
was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

As the thief was about to leave the man said, "You have
to go and meet my wife."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your 'wife?"

The man explained, "Well, she's been expecting you for
20 years."

+++++++++++++

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

++++++

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

+++

There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make
fun of the holy institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we
can live with it.

+++++++++

The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long
after he had left.

She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted
Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

++++++

** My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

** My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

** A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

** I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

** What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

** The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

** When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.

** A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

** Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

** Any married man should forget his mistakes - there is no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

** Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

++++++

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me
struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that
his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a
brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

+++++++++

Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife
and afterward held her close.

"I love you terribly," I whispered.

"You certainly do," was her reply.

+++++++++++++

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being
out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I
got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife
was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing
at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I just turned out the light!"

++++++++

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating
it, George was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us George, just what is it you have learned from all those
wonderful years with your wife?"

George responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher
of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint,
forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

+++++++

"You and your husband don't seem to have an
awful lot in common," said the new tenant's
neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites
attract'," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant
and I was."

+++

In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful
woman and said,

"I've lost track of my wife in here. Could you talk to me
for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman,
my wife appears out of nowhere."

++++++++++

A couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
when a wave came up and washed the woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the
captain sent the man back to shore with the promise that
he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the man got a fax from the
boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The man faxed back: "Send me the pearl... and re-bait the trap."

+++++++++

Man at police station:
"Could I see the man who broke into my house?"

Sergent: "Why?"

Man: "I want to ask him how he got in without
waking my wife."

+++++

Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll
give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?

A. It means you're in the wrong house.

++++++

The son came home from school and said to his father,
”Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.”

Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."

+++++++++

A man and a woman unknown to each other find
themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to
get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman
on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and
says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly pass me another
blanket?"

The woman leans out and with a glint in her eye says,
"I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" laughs the man.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

+++++

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel
really good today. I started out this morning with an act of
unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money
to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said,
'Thanks.' "

++++++++

I overheard a friend telling his pal,
"I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until
5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

++++++

Husband in movie: "Can you see, dear ?

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Is your seat comfortable ?"

Wife: "Yes"

Husband: "Is there a draft on you ?"

Wife: "No"

Husband: "Good ! Let's change seats."

++++++

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."

+++++++

Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been
married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is
upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah
cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I
get more beautiful every day." replies Leah.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.

+++++++++

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

+++++++

One night the husband says to his wife, "Do you want to try a different position tonight?

The wife answers: That's a great idea. YOU stand by
the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart."

+++++++++

I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every
evening at home.

That's what I call love.

No, the doctor called it paralysis.

***********

Bob was called into his bank to discuss his accounts.

"Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking account is overdrawn, your loan is overdue."

"Yes, I know." said Bob. "It's my wife, she is out of control."

"Why do you allow your wife to spend more money than you have?" asked the banker.

"Frankly," replied Bob with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue with you than with her."

Marriage Quickies:

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.

+++

If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

+++

Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no
wonder that brides often blush.

+++

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

+++

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffer-ring

+++

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

+++

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

+++

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

+++

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

+++

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner, and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

+++

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

+++

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

+++

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

His father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

+++

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

+++

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

+++

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

+++

Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.

+++

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

+++

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky; mine's still alive."

+++

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 20 grand.

+++

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbors listen.

+++

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

+++

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something a woman said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finished.

+++++++

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was
more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to
insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor
and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again,
"Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also
wash and iron them."

+++++++

A marriage counselor was attempting to find out something about his patient's attitude by asking her some questions. "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked.

"No," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."

++++++

One day, a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He
was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had
happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her, bewildered, and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

++++++++

Think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

+++++++

"I really don't know how the quarrel started," my Dad was telling
me.
"When I walked into the kitchen, your Mom was trying to hammer
a nail using the back of a scrub brush, and all I said was, 'Darling,
you really must get something harder. Why don't you use your head?'"

+++++++++

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily
married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. The
first man said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to
always have the last word."

"Wow!" said the other, "how did you manage that?"

"It's easy," he replied. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "

++++++

TEN REASONS WHY I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH…

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida
and mine is in New York.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric
bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and
no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there
was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car
was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't
lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two
days. Then the mud fell off.

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

By Henny Youngman and Milton Berle, two of
the greatest comedians ever.

+++++++++

A man was being proselytized by group of friends:

"Come join our study group. We want to discuss
mankind's relationship to God."

"I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions
don't matter."

"But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?"

"Wherever my wife tells me to."

+++++++

Homer Simpson (giving a lecture on marriage): "What is a
wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'The
process of removing weeds from one's garden.'"

++++++++

"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and
married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you
are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the
least happy person in the apartment." --Tom Hertz

++++++++

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a
cheap housing complex near the base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and
that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when
one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was
downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the
doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of
toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for
15 minutes!"

+++++++++

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular
magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir" the magician answered "but then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back "OK, then just tell my wife."

+++++++

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

+++

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?

Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'

Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out?

Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

+++++++

Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!''

Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''

Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

++++

Wife: “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?"

Husband: “No, I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

+++++++

She: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

He : It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.

She : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

++++++

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him
his second drink and said, 'What's wrong pal?'

'I'll never understand women.' Max said. 'The other night my
wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as
her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.'

'Wow!' said the bartender. 'But why so unhappy? That
sounds like quite a gift to me.'

'Well, ' Max went on, 'I thought about it and sent her home
to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me.'

+++++++++

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear"

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

+++++++

A man and a woman are driving down the highway
when another car passes them. The woman notices
that the occupants of the other car are young and
obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her
boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway.

This causes the woman to think back when she and
her husband were young and in love, and wondering
where the show of affection had disappeared to
over the years.

Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when
we used to be like that young couple? Where did
the love go, honey?"

Her question was met with a few moments of silence.
Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."

+++++

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."

+++++++

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told
the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for
his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting
a cruise."

+++++++

For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him
when he came home from work. After some careful
consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap
herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a
tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places
his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm
in the living room."

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in
plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says,
"Leftovers again!"

++++++++

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your
wife alone at night." one man said to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think
up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up
why she can't go with me."

++++++++

A man took his wife to a Broadway show.

During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom
in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all
he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage.

Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act
had already begun. He searched in the dark until he
found his wife.

"Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

"Miss it?" she said,

"You were starring in it!"

++++++++++++++++++++++

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small
package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened
it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

=========

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him,

"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it
because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...
or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because
our employees are used to obeying orders, are
accustomed to being shoved around, know how to
keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell
at them."

==========

"I can never fool my wife when I come home late,"
George complained. "I turn off the car's engine and
coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs,
and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up
and screams at me for being out so late."

"You got the wrong technique, buddy," his friend replied.
"I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the
steps, rub my hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?'

She always pretends to be asleep."

++++++++++

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

+++++++

Women always have some snide little comment when they catch a guy Looking at a cute girl. My wife caught me last week. She said, "You look just like a kid in a candy store!"

Thank God I'm witty, I came right back with, "Yeah, well, I'm married
now so, I'm a kid with diabetes in a candy store."

****************

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is
to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent
sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

*************

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her.

The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He
said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient
passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I
ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

**********

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

***********

David bought his wife a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, his
friend Bill asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said David, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" Bill asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing...."

**************

A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV.

The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four
minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."

*************

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she
isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to
want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that
she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk."

***************

Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives.

Although happily married, they admitted that there were argument
sometimes.

Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."

"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?"

"It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always 'Yes, Dear.'"

************

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was
old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order,
he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box
to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at
him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

++++++++

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

+++++++

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had
been at each other's throat for some time and felt that
this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband
held his long face down without anything to say. On the
other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - 10 - 15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes,
and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring
in disbelief at what had happened.

The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that
at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

+++++++

First man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport
this summer.

Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has
your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way,
how do you play this Russian Roulette?

++++++

A fellow was endeavoring to borrow some money from a friend.
The friend wanted to know why he didn't use his own money, and
the fellow explained that everything he had was in a joint
account.

"But you can draw money from a joint account," volunteered his
friend.

"Not this joint account," explained the financially destitute
husband.

"Our joint account is in the name of my wife and her mother."

+++++++

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend
who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have
been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his
first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

++++

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with
your wife?"

The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't
going to speak to me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

The man: "No, the month is up today!"

+++++++++

The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet
of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he
wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary
as she'd know who they came from.

Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received
a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.

The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.

'Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers
BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!'

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"

+++++++

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.

Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?"

++++++

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you
again?"

"I am 78," the man said.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look
like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down," the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

+++++++

There were three men at the dinner table with their wives, celebrating their anniversaries.

The youngest man said, "Pass the honey, honey."

The older man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar."

And the elderly man said, "Pass the tea, bag!!"

+++++++

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married ten years, and every night my husband has complained about dinner. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which, the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of
people don't like their own cooking."

++++++++

This guy is really drunk and arrives home real late.
Trying to avoid the wrath of the missus he parks a
block away from his home. He takes off his shoes
as he walks up the stairs, being ever so careful not
to make any noise. Quietly, he opens the door and
tiptoes into the room. Suddenly, KABOOM, he gets
an almighty wack on the back of his head with a frying
pan.

At the pub the following day he tells his story to one of
his mates who sadly shakes his head and says:

'Man, you are a numpty! Listen up...Here's how I do it.
When I get rip roarin drunk I go and borrow my buddie's
Harley and start screamin up and down the block a few
times, hootin and a hollerin. I then take the Harley right
up to the porch and start screamin and cussin. Then I
slam the door open and scream at the top of my voice -
'I'm the Man o this house and I want some bedroom lovin
right now!' ... And you know what's really amazing?
The wife's always asleep..!'

++++++++

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

++++

"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind
is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented,
"I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it
every day for twenty years!"

+++++

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat
entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate
this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about
how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same
without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt
her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you
asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you
marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

++++++

Love Before and After Marriage

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat

Before - Oysters
After - Fish sticks

Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship is going nowhere

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant

Before - I only have eyes for you
After - Do you have my "Victoria's Secret" catalog
again?

Before - You look so seductive in black
After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - Candy hearts and flowers
After - Onion rings and antacid

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's
done...

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like
you

Before - It's like I'm living in a dream
After - It's like he's living in a barn

Before - Passion
After - Ration

Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethel

***************
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 

"Do you realize what time it is," she said. 

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." 

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" 

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

+++++++++++

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your
fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

++++++++++

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

~~~~~~~~

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest
crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little
traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every
precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his
house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

+++++++++++++

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am,
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said..."It is 5:00 am, wake up!"

++++++++++

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii,
where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got
back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I
continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why
he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out
until you did."

++++++++++++

One morning, while shaving, John was cursing and swearing so
loudly it attracted the attention of Vickie, who was preparing
breakfast in the kitchen.

"What's the matter?" she called out.

"My razor - it won't cut!" he answered.

"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell
me your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut
yesterday?"

+++++++++

MARRIAGE - A Husband's Viewpoint

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (A life sentence !!!)

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over
the strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

5. Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS" :
a) The Engagement Ring
b) The Wedding Ring
c) The SuffeRing
d) The EnduRing
e) The TortuRing

++++++++++

Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?"
he asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on,
if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me
then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll
always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really
miss you."

+++++++++++

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.

I yelled up at my wife, "Where's the rake"?

She couldn't hear me and yelled back, "What?"

I then pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said, "What?"

I repeated the gestures- EYE-KNEE-THE RAKE".

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell that I could even come close to that one. Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her

"What in the hell was that?"

She replies "EYE-LEFT TIT-BEHIND-THE BUSH"

++++++++++++++

A man and his wife are in the bedroom one
night and they have just finished making love.

"Honey, did you enjoy the fun we just had?", he asks.

"Yes, of course, Dear. Didn't you hear me laughing?"

++++++++++++++

Wife to husband: "I want you to explain why I have to wear these
same old clothes , month after month?!"

Husband: "Because if you didn't, you'd scare the dog."

Prayer for Husbands

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from
bargains they do not need and bargains they cannot afford.

Lead them not into temptation, for they know NOT what they do!
-
Prayer for Wives
-
Almighty Father, Keep our Husbands from looking at other women and
comparing them to us.

Save them from making fools of themselves in cafés and nightclubs.

Above all, please do NOT forgive their trespasses for they know EXACTLY what they do.

++++++++

++++++++

Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

+++

Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

+++

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like
to interrupt her.

+++

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

+++

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God
created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then,
neither God nor man rested.

+++

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had
hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on
the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they
were the two best towels we had... the ones we got
from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."

= = = = = = =

A recent study showed the average husband only actually speaks to his
wife about 37 minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that. I mean, just how long does it take to
say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?

+++++++

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the
players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short
notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar.

Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the
door!"

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started
playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."

+++++++

Wife: Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If anyone came to visit,
they would think I was the cook!

Husband: Well, they'd change their mind if they stayed for dinner!

++++

There are three reasons for being a conservationist

1. You will help prevent the destruction of the world as you know it.
2. You will save hundreds of endangered species from extermination.
And
3. You will finally have a reason NOT to buy your wife a fur coat.

++++

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me."

"Why, what happened?" he asked.

"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far
because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!"

"For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?"

"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."

++++++++

Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice
yell, "Stop! If you take one more step you will be killed!"
The woman stopped, and seconds later a brick fell and
landed in her path.

A minute or two after that, she was getting ready to cross
the street when the same voice bellowed, "Halt! Don't
cross the street now!" An out-of-control beer truck soon
careened around the corner and didn't even slow down as
it ran the red light.

Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice replied. "I imagine
you have some questions for me."

"You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my
wedding day?"

+++++++++

How to Talk to Your Spouse

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you something to drink with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

+++++++++

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels
to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing
more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for
Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send
me out on a night like this?"

++++++++++++

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.
He worked during the day, and I worked at night. One
morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the
kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!" As a helpful
surprise, I bought him some at the post office and
put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note. "STAMPS!" was
crossed out. Underneath it he had written,

"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

+++++

Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time,
but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any
housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening
Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of
wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the
stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was
astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine
article that suggested working wives would be more romantically
inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the
housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job.

The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the
office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed my evening."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

++++++++

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a
lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age
would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from
your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure,
twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

+++++++

Husband says...  

·  "I haven't seen you around here." 

"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."

"So you're single?"

·  I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?

·  I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

·  My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

·  Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

·  I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

·  I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" 

She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" 

I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

·  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

·  My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

·  All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

·  She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" 

So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

·  My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

·  My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.

·  My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" 

My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

·  My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

·  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

·  My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

·  She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

·  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

·  She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

 Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

·  I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

·  Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

·  I came home, the car was in the dining room. 

"How did you get the car in here?" 

"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

·  While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...

·  My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature handcuffs....."

+++

Wife says…

·  What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

·  What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What Men Know About Women"

·  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

·  How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

·  What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

·  How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.

·  What's the difference between men an government bonds?

Bonds mature.

·  How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

·  What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

·  How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

·  How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.

·  How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

·  What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

·  What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

·  What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

·  What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

·  What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

·  What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.

·  What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

+++++

The following are R-rated.  Go no further if you think that you might be offended.   We warned you!

Begin R-rated Marriage Humor.....

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his
birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very pensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was
extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to
cook.......you're gone."

++++

Three buddies were down the pub one night, and two of them, Bill and Joe, were arguing about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third man, Fred, said nothing.

After a while, Bill turned to Fred and said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"Well, I'll tell you," Fred replied. "Just the other night my wife came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed.

"What happened then?" Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

++++

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

+++

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

+++

Husband Store  

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street..

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

++++

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then,
while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started
talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

"Irving, do you remember that emerald necklace you
promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."

++++++++

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat
for their 25th anniversary. "HA," he snorted.
"The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day
you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that, she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties,
and thrust her pubic area forward. "There! I have
hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest." she argued. "Before
we got married, this was your hope chest. On
our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest.
Afterwards, it became our family chest. AND
IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT IT WILL
SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

+++++++

Theory: Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, or 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for
Friday, two for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, and THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

Then With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

++++++++

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go
to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled
by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened
without pain and as it was still early, she decided to
the party. In as much as her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would have some fun
by watching her husband to see how he acted when she
was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive
babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he
was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little
proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away
and went home and put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and
asked what kind of a time he had

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never
have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced
one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the den and played poker all evening. But
you're not going to believe what happened to
the guy I loaned my costume to......."

+++++++++

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that
when she married she was to please her husband and never
upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young
Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love
and she stooped down to pick up husband's clothes and she
let a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so
happy back hole whistle."

++++++++++

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The
first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a
different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she
rolled over and played dead."

+++++++++++

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the
husband exclaimed
"Hey honey you sure are getting fat. Your butt is
really getting huge. I bet it is as big as the gas grill
by now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point,
got a yardstick, measured the grill, then measured
his wife's butt.

"Yep, he said. Just what I thought, just about the
same size."

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him
do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't
speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband
cuddled up to his wife and said
"How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him,
giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

To which she replied, "You don't think I am going
to fire up this big ass grill just for one little weenie,
do you?"

+++++++=



A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis.
So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request.
The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him
$1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks
for a while and decides that its a fair price.

The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of
the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo.
The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request,
so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if
you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like
to play with money, second I like to watch money grow,
and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow
a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

++++++++++

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing
her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a Gyn. appointment tomorrow."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
Later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear
"Do you have a Dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

+++++

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

+++++++

Bob decided to take his wife out for a hot fudge sundae at the local ice cream shop. He placed the order with the young lady behind the counter who asked (with a bright smile that could have been coquettish or merely polite) "Would you like your nuts wet or dry, Sir?"

Bob immediately choked. This was, after all, exactly the kind of line
every male dreams of. Then he glanced at his wife, who was glaring back at him with a crimson complexion. Swallowing hard, he got a grip on his libido and replied, "Uh... No nuts, no nuts at all."

*******

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of
his standard response of reassuring her that wasn't the case, her
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.

+++++

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

+++++++

A married couple is celebrating 50 years of marriage. He had taken her to dinner and dancing to celebrate. They were reflecting over the past 50 years.

She said, "You have given me everything that any woman could desire, 2 beautiful children that grew up and became a doctor and a lawyer. A beautiful home and a new car every three years. The kids have given us grandchildren, and we love them too death. If there is anything I haven't given you, all you need do is ask."

"Well, the husband says, there is one thing."

"What is that!?" says the wife.

"A blow job," says the husband.

The wife thinks for a moment and says, "I have never given you a blow job, because I didn't think you would respect me after that. But, since we have been together 50 years, surely you would respect me now, so ok."

So she unzips his pants, pulls out his penis and proceeds to give him a blow job. Just as she finishes and wipes her chin, the phone rings.

The husbands answers and says, "Yes, right here. Hold on a moment.
Here, cocksucker, it's for you."

++++++++

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. He comes to a house and breaks into it and there he finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair and then ties the woman to the bed. As he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband says to his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes !! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you and give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU....

To which the wife responds: "I'm glad you think that way. Sure, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...... He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey....... " I LOVE YOU TOO "

++++++++++

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

+++++++

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch
at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do
everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar. The first guy says
"Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on
the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the
couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down?
That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car,
and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why
don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When
I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt
a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she
said "Cut that out!"

He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

++++++++++++++++

This woman could never get her husband to do anything around
the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv,
eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those
little household repairs that most husbands take care of.

This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up.
When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
"Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?"
and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her
husband got home she said, very nicely,
"Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her
husband got home, she steeled her courage and said,
"Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"

And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The
Maytag repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called
three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the
washer.

When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen
out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake
or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"

She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"

+++++++++

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar talking about
their wives birthdays.

The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your
wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."

The poor man asks, "Why both?"

Rich man says, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get
in her new car and take it back."

Rich man asks, "So what did you get your wife?" Poor man says,
"A pair of flip flops and a dildo."

Rich man asks why both and the poor man says, "That way if she
doesn't like the flip flops she can go fuck her self."

++++++++

Foolish husband give wife grand piano.

Wise husband give wife upright organ!

+++++

One morning, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

With that, the woman turned and grabbed her husband by his privates.

She said, "You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother."

+++++++

A recent study was done by USA Today to determine the
most popular position for sex amongst married couples.

The results showed, overwhelmingly, that it happens to be
"dog" style. He sits up and begs, while she rolls over and
plays dead.

+++++++

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he
is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and
his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind,"
and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the
shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws
some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
blue smoke.... The witch doctor says, "This is powerful
healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to
do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it
will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife with the good news.... So he is lying in bed with her
and says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

++++++++

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband
comes home from work and leans against the freshly painted
wall.

The next day, she says to the painter, "You wanna see
where my husband put his hand last night?"

He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work
ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"

~~~~~

A woman is very distressed because she has not been
married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest
in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays
the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that
this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost
his animal instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her
husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and
little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.

He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in
a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how
her husband is. "He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his ass, and I backed over him with the car."

++++++++

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no Good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."

+++++++

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties.

"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

++++++++

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk
and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers
their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets
around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no
big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that
you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

++++++++++++++++

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotch less knickers.

She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky voice say's "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies,

"HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

+++++

While making love to his wife, Rajeeb discovered he couldn't
concentrate. Though they were only married a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless.

Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just for one moment there I thought you moved."

+++++

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very
depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly
switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self
esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night
for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the
door, sunk in his self-pity.

His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"

"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"I understand. Go take a bath, and I'll get supper ready for you,
Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now,
won't that make you feel better?"

He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.
Well, while she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the
front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The
heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION."

She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing
the great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the
stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and
naked, cleaning the tub.

She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then
bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"

+++++++

There was a married couple whose life was perfect except for one
thing: every morning, before he woke up, the man would fart so loudly that it would wake both of them up. Sometimes, the woman would jokingly warn him that one day he would fart his guts out.

Anyway, one Thanksgiving, the woman got up a few hours early to begin cooking the turkey. After she had it ready to put in the oven, she was left with a mess of turkey innards, so she decided to play a joke on her husband, who was still sleeping. She went upstairs, and put the turkey guts into his pajama bottoms.

About an hour later, she smiled as she heard a tremendous fart coming from upstairs, followed by a mortified scream. A few minutes passed, then he came downstairs, shouting: "Honey! You were right! I farted my guts out... but with these two fingers and the grace of God I put them back in!

+++++

== Love Letters ===

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted
to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average
of only once every 10 days. The following
is a list of why I didn't succeed more
often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the
result was not always satisfying because
6 times you just laid there, 8 times you
reminded me that there was a crack in the
ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up
and get it over with, 7 times I had to
wake you up to tell you I was finished,
and once I was afraid that I had hurt you
because you started thrashing around and
breathing heavy. Let's try to improve
this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

*************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused.
Here are the REAL reasons you didn't
get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the
cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet
seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept
running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot
coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your
finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking
about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a
dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had
missed me and were screwing the sheet. You
seemed to be having a good time and I didn't
want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't
talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, "Would you like me on my
back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing
around and gasping was when you farted and
I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work
on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

+++++++++

Peter and Laura were planning to go on a second honeymoon
for their 50th wedding anniversary. Sandra said, "We will
go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"Uh huh," said Pete

"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?"
asked Laura .

"Uh huh," said Pete.

"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon?"
asked Laura.

"That's right," said Peter, "except this time I get to sit
on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear, "Could we make love, please dear?"

"Not tonight, darling. I've got a splitting headache," she replied.

"Please...I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.

His wife retorted, "What do you think I am, a bloody microwave?

++++

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

++++++++

One Friday afternoon two women are sitting on the front porch.

The first woman says, "Here comes my husband with a bunch of
flowers. That means I'll be on my back with my legs in the
air all weekend."

The other woman asks, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

+++++++

Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring
into their drinks.

One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, John,
you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!"

++++++++

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life
wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they
vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow.
Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as
they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions.
First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,"
she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my
mother's.

+++++++

Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc.

Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did
you?"

"I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"

***************

The other night my wife and I were getting it on when I heard her
yelling, 'Climax! Climax!'

I asked her "what's the big hurry."

She replied, "I didn't say that. I thought it was you."

Then we heard it again from the next apartment.

Later we found out the little old lady who lives there was teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.

****************

Bob took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.

He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.

Allyson would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

Bob quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for him to bear, would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched Bob.

Bob said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more.

The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the
pain, times ten.

Allyson delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at Bob,
astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home.

There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

*************

After twenty-five years of marriage, Brent is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Sara before I die I have to tell you
something".

She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"

He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and
almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Sara You've been through everything with me."

Brent says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

************

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.

Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

*************
 

 Earl and Kevin are discussing how tight-ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex.

Earl says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her
and the next morning its turned to ice."

"That isn’t shit" says Kevin "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her
legs the furnace kicks on!"

***************

Kevin was making love to his wife, Shannon and he exclaimed, "I will
love you to death!"

The following night they again were beginning to making love and he
Shouted "I'll love you till you scream!!"

After he had done the same thing the third night, Shannon pulled a
feather out of the pillow and began tapping him on the head with it.
"What are you doing?" demanded Kevin.

"Comparatively speaking, I'm pounding your brains out" she replied.

***********

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and
says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

**********

"Well, dear what's it to be tonight?" said the amorous hubby.

"Hmmm....I'm in the mood for something special tonight, how about turkey style?" replied his mate.

"Turkey style? I've heard of 'doggy style,' but what in the world is
turkey style?"

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!"

*********

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said,
"I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,

"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

+++++++

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

++++++++++

The guide to sex in marriage:

0-5 years: tri-weekly
5-15 years: try weekly
15 + years: try weakly

++++++++++

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I
come."

********

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity.

The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a
buggy."

*******

Tarzan lumbered home after a hard day's work just in time to see a
crocodile snap one of his 15 kids off the riverbank.

"Hey Jane," he yelled, "Did you see that?"

"Oh come to bed," Jane shouted back, "and we'll make another one."

The next day, as Tarzan was making his way home again, it happened once more. A crocodile came out of the river and grabbed one of his kids.

Jane was not in the least bit concerned when Tarzan brought it to her
attention. "Let's go to bed and make another one," she said.

"No way!" Tarzan boomed, stamping his feet. "I'm not working all day
and fucking all night just to feed the bloody crocodiles!"

++++++++
   

Bob is sitting at the bar looking very down in the dumps.

The bartender says, "What's wrong Bob?"

Bob replies, "After twenty years, married sex is hard. Some nights I ask myself, am I using my dick or a tranquilizer dart?"

**************

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new
age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go
away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror,
point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:
"I really don't have a headache...I really don't have a
headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going
to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a
headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she
realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back
up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband?
He's been having problems in a certain department... how can
I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her
husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to
wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he
throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love
to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss
and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After
another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the
bathroom again.

At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She
tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and
sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers
pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife,
that woman is not my wife....."

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