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Medical
Transcription &
Medical Records
Humor
Definitions...
BENIGN...What you will be after you be eight
CAESAREAN SECTION...A district in Rome
COMA...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop
SEMI-COLON...Partial removal of the intestines
VACUUM...Large empty space where the pope lives
ENEMA...Someone who is not your friend
MAGNET...Something you find crawling on a dead cat
FIBULA...A small lie
MORBID...When there is a bigger offer
GERMINATION...The process of becoming a German
NODE...When you have known somebody for a long time
SEIZURE...A Roman Emperor
FERTILIZATION...The fussing of the male with the female
garments
TERMINAL ILLNESS...When you are ill at the airport
TIBIA...A country in North Africa
VARICOSE...Nearby
VEIN...Conceited
+++++++
Medical Records
This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by
various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a
doctor or two at major hospitals...
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped,
and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing,
and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they
should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we
will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the
past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went
in separate directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better
except for her original complaints.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
+++++
SUPER BLOOPERS....
(mistakes written on patient's charts)
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three
days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went
in separate directions in early December.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it had completely disappeared.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
"Patient has been married twice, but denies any other
serious illnesses."
"Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily."
"History: Patient was shot in the head with .34 caliber
rifle. Chief Complaint, Headache."
"Patient was struck by an auto while she was walking across
the street at approximately 45 miles per hour."
"Skin somewhat pale but present."
"On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it had completely disappeared."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
++++++
WHAT DOCTORS SAY AND WHAT THEY'RE REALLY THINKING
~ "This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so
easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
itself.
~ "Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you.
~ "We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
~ "Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
~ "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
~ "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
~ "I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.
~"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
~"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
~"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
~ "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
~"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
~"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
~"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
~"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
~"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
~ "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
~"There is a lot of that going around."
My goodness, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
~"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank heaven I'm off next week.
+++++++++
More Actual Medical Records
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and
then, he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to
the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr.
Smith to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of
breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having
sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
would like to work her up.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Admitted in error.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt that we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
+++++++
A woman was not feeling well..so she visited her doctor. The good
doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly,
"Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get
well again you would have to lose a foot."
"What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?"
"Oh, no, no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to
lose a foot from around your waistline!"
+++++++++++
Professions:
Farmers
Police Legal
Medical:
Doctors
Nurses Hospitals
Psychiatric
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