Doctors  Nurses  Hospitals  Transcription   Psychiatric

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced 

that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, 

and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out 

of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work 

in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced 

that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in 

another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way 

behind, in 2000 we took a man with no brain out of Texas, put 

him in the White House for eight years, and now half the 

country is looking for work."

++++

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the 

arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had 

paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting 

other payments. 

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when 

our son demanded a diaper change. 

As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, 

"The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

+++++
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new 

virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease 

is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The 

disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect 

him"). Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed 

for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to 

protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease. 

Cognitive symptoms of individuals infected with Gonorrhea 

Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social 

personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a 

distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English 

language; extreme cognitive dissonance; inability to 

incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability 

to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice 

masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial 

smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies 

toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong 

propensity for categorical, all-or nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and 

epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant 

disease originated only few years ago in a Texas Bush.

++++

Number of physicians in the US: 
700,000. 

Accidental deaths caused by 
physicians per year: 
120,000 (AMA).

Accidental deaths per physician:
0.171 (U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US:
80,000,000. 
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups):
1,500. 
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more 
dangerous than gun owners.

"FACT: Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at 
least one Doctor." 
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. 
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.

As a Public Health Measure, I have withheld the statistic 
on Lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to 
seek medical aid.

+++++++

Medical Definitions...

BENIGN...What you will be after you be eight
CAESAREAN SECTION...A district in Rome
COMA...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop
SEMI-COLON...Partial removal of the intestines
VACUUM...Large empty space where the pope lives
ENEMA...Someone who is not your friend
MAGNET...Something you find crawling on a dead cat
FIBULA...A small lie
MORBID...When there is a bigger offer
GERMINATION...The process of becoming a German
NODE...When you have known somebody for a long time
SEIZURE...A Roman Emperor
FERTILIZATION...The fussing of the male with the female
garments
TERMINAL ILLNESS...When you are ill at the airport
TIBIA...A country in North Africa
VARICOSE...Nearby
VEIN...Conceited

+++++

Learn to laugh more. . . 
A continuously expanding body of medical research now confirms that 
laughter is a powerful medicine in alleviating the impact that stressful 
events have on our lives and in actually preventing accidents and reversing 
disease. 
Laughter is a happy and pleasant experience. 
It temporarily diverts our attention and dissipates feelings of fear, 
isolation, anger, and physical pain. Laughter can be the doorway to 
purging harmful emotions and resolving mental tension. 
It is a form of therapy that encourages us to release the painful emotions 
of anger, fear, and boredom. 
Laughter enables the processing of information in a new way. New 
perceptions can lead to different and healthier solutions. 
William Fry, M.D., psychiatrist and professor emeritus at Stanford 
University, documented physiological changes from laughter similar to 
intense aerobic exercise. He stated that... "One hundred laughs is equal 
to ten minutes of aerobic exercise." 
Laughter can also help the immune system. Research at the Department of 
Clinical Immunology at Loma Linda University School of Medicine has 
demonstrated that the experience of laughter lowers the level of certain 
stress hormones and stimulates the immune systems by increasing the number 
of activated T cells and activated T helper cells. 
In addition, mirthful laughter enhances the activity of natural killer 
cells that play a crucial role in preventing disease. 
To create more smiles and laughter, try any or all of these humor 
strategies: 
1) Cultivate a playful attitude. 
2) Find humor in daily life. 
3) Learn to belly laugh and tell jokes. 
4) Learn to laugh at yourself. 
5) Hang out with people who are fun to be with, who make you laugh. 
++++++

Freshly squeezed urine good for you.
Source: Reuter

GOA, India, -- More than 600 scientists, representing 17 nations, gathered
for the first World Conference on Auto-Urine Therapy held in western
India. They presented research evidence that human urine can have healing
powers and be very efficient against cancer, hepatitis B, influenza,
diabetes, and even AIDS. "Yes, urine can cure cancer," vice general
manager of the Long Life Biomedical Co Ltd Dr. Ming Chen Liau said.

Many of the attendees to the conference drink their own urine, and
use it for body massages. Dr. Shigeyuri Arai of Japan, has studied 1,752
people who practiced urine therapy. 60 percent of his patients reported
that their symptoms have disappeared, and as much as 73 percent in the
case of cancer patients. "Many patients on auto-urine therapy recovered
from serious illness," he said. Dr. Ryoichi Nakao, chairman of Japan's
Miracle Cup of Life Institute, said about 200,000 Japanese and as much as
5 million Germans gargled their own urine. Several doctors claimed that
urine therapy can ease the painful symptoms associated with AIDS. Some
doctors remain skeptical of the therapy, however, they all agree more
research has to be done.

+++++

TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE FLU

10. No one wants to come near you.

9. You can legally take sedatives.

8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse
lives than you do.

7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.

6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.

5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your
housecoat all day.

4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how
you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.

3. Star Trek re-runs.

2.. Your dog is allowed on the bed.

1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike.

+++++++++++

You Might Be In The Health Care Field If...

Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal
is perfectly normal to you.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.

Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a
papoose restraint.

You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a
diagnosis.

You believe that the government should require a
permit to reproduce.

You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone
says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."

When you are out in public, you compliment complete
strangers on their veins.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled:
"Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."

You have ever had to leave a patient's room before
laughing hysterically.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You have ever restrained someone, and it was not
a sexual experience.

You commonly udder the phrase: "What changed
tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6
months?!"

You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a
diagnosis.

You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting
room is a novel idea.

When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking
of a food group.

You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't
even bother with birth control.

You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike
fear in the hearts of your co-workers.

You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck
there" too many times.

+++++++++

Medical : Little Known Illnesses

AFROPHOBIA
Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles (or the Jackson Five).

PSEUDONYMHOMANIA
Compulsive desire to have a lot of sex under an assumed name.

DEJA FLU
The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA
Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX
Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX
Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER
Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS
The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

ALPOPLEXY
Canine feeding disorder.

STREISAND-BROLIN SYNDROME
Excessive displays of affection.

SONSTROKE
An attack during the reading of a will

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME
Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS
Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

++++++

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. 

+++++++

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room
comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first,
"but I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.

"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby in three months!"

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly
5 years, and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new 
office, and his staff was helping transport many of the 
items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, 
his bony arm across the back of my seat. 

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic 
light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became 
obvious, and I looked across and explained, 

"I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." 

The other driver leaned out of his window. 
"I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!" 

++++++++

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm 
n the distant rural regions. No running 
water, no electricity, etc. One night, 
Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. 
The local doctor is there in attendance. 

"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" 

"Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" 

The doctor delivers the child and holds it up
for the proud father to see. 

"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine 
strapping boy." 

"Saints be praised, I..." 

Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, 
"Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." 

Soon the doctor delivers the next child. 

"You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby 
daughter." 

"Thanks be to..." 

Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, 
Mikey, Hold the lantern!" 

Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. 
The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's
inspection. 

"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the 
light that's attracting them?" 

++++++++

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his 
doctor put him in a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, 
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure 
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, 
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr. Smith returned, he shocked the 
doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, 
"Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, 
I thought I was going to drop dead that 
3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

+++++++

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

+++++++

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass 
of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual." !!

++++++++ 

You know you've joined a pretty cheap ass health plan when...

Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental
procedure."

Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter
of "War and Peace."

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

Exam room has a tip jar.

You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the
instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

"Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal
thermometers.

"Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia
Farrow's doorstep.

Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk
around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

"Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when
you enter the trailer park."

Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is
"an apple a day."

Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr.
Fine.

Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the
doctor just French kisses you.

Recycled bandages

You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is
dry.

Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
goodwill last month.

24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized
2-sided copier.

Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

+++++++

R-rated Medical Humor:

Medical Alert 

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the asshole? 

It is called the anal optic nerve. 

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you
don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

++++++++++++

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females.

The pill will be called Niagra.

**************

Bob was retired and loved to sit in front of his house and watch the young girls walk by. Then he developed heart trouble 

and had to have a pacemaker implanted. He still enjoys sitting in the front of his house and watching the girls, only now whenever he an especially pretty one goes by, his pacemaker makes the garage door go up.

**********
Back in the 60's, Lederle (pronounced: led-rr-lee) Laboratories, a
leading drug company, would have the same prefix for many of their trademarked drugs. They were all prefixed with 

Leder: Ledercillian, Ledermycin, Lederject, Ledercort, Lederfolin, Ledertrexate and so on.

They even came up with a birth control drug....called it Lederalone.

*****************

Explanation Of Mad Cow Disease

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you 

have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, " Do you know that the bull
rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?

The Lady : Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your tits twice a day and only riding you once a year,
wouldn't you go mad?

**************

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season. In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of you family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease:
1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) An uncontrollable urge to fuck in the mud.

++++++++++

Investment Announcement
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA 

(mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the 

trade name of Mydixaflop. Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola 

(Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name Mount And Do. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

++++++++

Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, 

but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and 

having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on 

your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

++++++

Doctors  Nurses  Hospitals  Transcription   Psychiatric

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