Ahkmed, the Arab, came to the United States from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

 Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?" 

The doctor said .... "You were homesick". 

++++

A few handy phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists. 

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. 

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. 

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. 

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. 

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters. 

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say! 

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. 

BA BODENEH SHEERELL TEEGZ.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. 

++++

"Four things come not back -- the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity." Arabian Proverb 

"Lower your voice and strengthen your argument." Lebanese proverb

"No matter how far you have gone on a wrong road, turn back." Turkish Proverb

"Destiny spoils plans." Turkish Proverb

+++

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when

a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra for

100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say

they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

+++++++++++++

A group of archaeologists were exploring when they came upon a cave.
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this
order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least
three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had
it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world
came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the
meaning of the markings. The president of the society stood up and
pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman. We can
judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the
soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means
they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means
that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star
of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says, "Holy Mackerel,
Dig the Ass on that Woman."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?

A: Oil of Ole'

*************

Two Iraqi women walk into a marketplace, and one of them
picks up this huge potato. She tells her girlfriend, "You
know, these potatoes remind me of my husband's balls."

Her friend says "Why, are your husband's balls that big?"

The other lady replied, "No, they're just as dirty."

What's invisible and smells like dirt?

Ethiopian farts.

++++

Q: How are an Ethiopian woman and Yoko Ono alike?

A: They both have learned how to live off a dead Beatle!

----------------------

Q: Do you know what the letters in Saddam's name stand for?

A: S-tupid
    A-rab
    D-ictator
    D-ead
    A-fter
   M-arch!

--------------------------------------------

This week's viewings courtesy of the Baghdad TV Guide

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Misfortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-Witness News

--------------------------------------------

Q: Do you know why Iraqis don't get circumcised?

A: They need a place to hide their bubble gum in a sand
storm!

+++++