Newly Wed Humor 

Relationships:

Dating    Marriage   Kids  

"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the
kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in
the bedroom."

"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again
ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my
wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a
fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but
she's an economist in the bedroom."

+++++++

DIARY OF THE NEW BRIDE
Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately.
" Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in.
The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said, "serve without dressing.
" So I didn't dress.
But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night.
They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
" So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice.
Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week.
I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said, prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
" I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it.
Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.
I wonder why?
He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
" Beat it I did, to my mum's place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday.
I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little cute shoes.
I thought the hen looked really cute.
When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten.
Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.
When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why me ? why me ?".
It has to be his job.

++++++++++

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

+++++++

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got
up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife
her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.
Then her husband spoke. "Have you noticed exactly what
I have just done?"

"Of course, Dear, every single detail!"

"Good. Henceforth, that's how I want my breakfast served
every morning."

~~~~~

For our first New Year's together as a married couple, my
wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake or
orange-date cake. "Pumpkin pie," I requested.

"We've been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving," Nancy protested.
"Can't you choose something else?"

"Okay," I replied, "how about cheesecake?"

Making a face, Nancy said, "After all that rich food you
ate over Christmas, surely you don't want cheesecake."

Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date
cake.

"Oh, I'm glad you chose that one," Nancy said. "Orange-date
cake is a New Year's tradition in our family."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

++++++++

Jack and Jill entered the elevator of their Miami Beach
hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in
surprise and said, "Why, hello, Jack, how are you?"

A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room,
when the bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"

"Take it easy, honey," said Jack, "I'm going to have trouble
enough explaining you to her."

+++++++++++

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that
we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my
modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what
will you live on?"

+++++++++

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

+++++

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic Bed & Breakfast in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask
directions when they got closer. Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.

Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn,
right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

+++++++++

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on
the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well where upon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again
successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep
for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already
here?"

+++++++++

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife and
said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."

*********

Not long after their wedding, Bob and Sue awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Bob, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Sue, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Bob.

"Toast and juice." replied Sue.

+++++++

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about
each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon
to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool,
when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board
and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a
three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations,
he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I
told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel
hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides
of the canal.

+++++++

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon, strolling arm
in arm along the beach, when the husband suddenly looked
out toward the sea and said eloquently, "Roll on, thou
deep and dark blue ocean, roll."

His bride gazed at the breakers for a moment, and then
in hushed and reverent tones said, "Oh, Herman, you
wonderful man. It's doing it!"

++++++

Proud and pleased as she could be, the petite young bride,
Mrs. Stanford Summers, strode briskly up to the teller's
cage at the bank to cash her husband's pay check for the
first time. When the teller told her the check would
have to be endorsed, the bride grabbed the pen and
unhesitatingly wrote on the back, "I heartily recommend my
husband, Mr. Stanford Summers."

+++++++

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She
sobs, 'Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'

'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was
all just a misunderstanding, dear.'

'No, mother,' the young woman laments. 'I bought a
frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.'

'Well, that is being miserly,' the mother agreed, 'Those
turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'

The young woman explained, 'No, mother it wasn't the
price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.'

'Airplane ticket??? What does an airplane ticket have to
do with turkey rolls???' asked her mother, confused.

The young woman quickly responded, 'Well mother, when
I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back
and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE'.
So I flew to Alaska!'

+++++++

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular
show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the
envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single
line, "From...guess who?"

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the
effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their
return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the
unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of
value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper
on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
tickets:

"Now you know!"

+++++

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the
man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said,
"You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse?"

+++++++

After an exhausting 12-hour drive to their honeymoon
destination. Rob and his new wife decided to refresh
themselves with a dip in the hotel pool. She must have
dropped a few pounds to pre-wedding jitters, because
each time she dived into the pool, She lost either the
top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini.

They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed
and retrieved the pieces. Later after they'd dressed
for dinner, they went down to the hotel restaurant.
Waiting for a table, they sat in the lounge and ordered
drinks.

Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank.
Curious, Rob asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank
empty?"

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied,
"That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."

++++++

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

+++++

Congratulating a friend whose son and daughter had gotten
married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "So
tell me, what kind of man did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her
sleep in, wants her to go a spa regularly and insists on
taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's nice," said her friend. "And how do you like your
son's new wife?"

The mother sighed. "I'm not so happy about that situation,"
she said. "His wife gets up late, spends all her time at
the spa and always wants to have dinner in a restaurant."

+++++++++

The young newlyweds were taking the train to Florida from Chicago.
Cuddling together in an upper berth after the third marital joining,
the bride said, "Darling, I just can't convince myself that we are
really married."

From a berth halfway down the train, a deep bass voice bellowed,
"Convince her, for God's sake! I'd like to get a LITTLE sleep, at
least."

++++++++

A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was obvious
to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's
best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the
first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the
pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm
sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to
have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over
this though: She gave me $20 change!''

++++++++

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned 'What if the place is still bugged?'

The groom says 'I'll look for a bug.' He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug 'AHA!' Under the
rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out
the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds
'How was your room?', 'How was the service?', 'How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?'

The groom says, 'Why are you asking me all of these
questions?'

The hotel manager says, 'Well, the room UNDER you
complained of the chandelier falling on them.'

+++++++

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss.

Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said,

"Make that five."

++++++++++++=

Annie, the new bride, went crying to her mother.

"Momma, I can't get Neil to do anything. I want him to fix up the house, and he keeps putting it off."

"Honey," her mother replied, "after being married to your father for thirty years, I've found the only way to get him to do anything is to tell him he's too old."

================

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if
there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

++++++

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

++++++++

Jeb and JoLynne married. Jeb thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners...

So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brings JoLynne breakfast in bed.

JoLynne wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, Jeb brings his true love a ~ scrambled ~ egg.

JoLynne wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted * poached * this morning!"

Determined to please the lovely JoLynne, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought JoLynne *two* eggs -- one scrambled and one poached.

"Here, love, enjoy!" said he...

"You scrambled the wrong egg." said she...

+++++++++

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her
husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replies,
"How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

++++++++++++++++

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One
day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says,

"Honey, do you know that the upstairs bathroom pipes are
leaking? Could you fix it?"

The husband just looks at his wife and said,
"What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife
finds a leak in the roof. She pleads to him as he's
walking through the door,
"Honey, there is a leak in the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said,
"Do I look like Bob Vila to you?"

Another couple of weeks go by, and as comes home
from work, his wife asks for another little favor.
"Honey the car won't start, I think it needs a new battery.
Do you think you can change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"
As he walked into the house, sat down with a beer,
and watched the game on TV.

One weekend, the husband woke up, and the rain
was pouring down pretty hard, but the leak in the
roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to
take a shower, and he found that the pipes behind
the sink weren't leaking anymore.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked
through the door, the husband asked,
"Honey, how come there aren't anymore leaks, and
the car's running?"

The wife calmly replies, "Oh, the other day I was
picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new
neighbors, John. What a nice man! He came over
and fixed everything."

"Wow! Did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I'd either
make him a cake or have sex with him." she said.

"Cool! What kind of cake did you make?" he asked.

"Cake? What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,

Consider the young married couple who are back from their
honeymoon for only two weeks when the husband comes
home from work and says that he has invited three of his
friends from the office and their wives home for dinner on
Friday night.

Since this is their first party and the wife hasn't done much
cooking, the husband suggests they order out for Chinese
food and she could bake a cake for dessert.

She agrees, but on Friday afternoon, the wife calls her
husband in tears.

"The only recipe I can find is for a cake that will feed four,"
she says.

"Why don't you just double the recipe?" her husband asks.

Just before quitting time the husband gets another call
from her, and this time she is frantic.

"I just can't do it," she says. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, I doubled everything, just like you said," she tells
him, "and it's ready to go in the oven."

"Then what's the problem?" he asks.

The wife sobs. "The book says that the cake must be
baked at 350 degrees. I've checked the oven and it
doesn't go up to 700 degrees!"

++++++++++++++++

Two young women, one recently married and the other
still single, meet on the street one day.

"How are you enjoying married life?" the single girl
asks her friend.

"Oh, it's wonderful," the young married woman says.
"I wouldn't trade my husband for 10 men."

Says the single girl, "And I wouldn't trade my 10
men for a one husband."

++++++++++++++++

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their
honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the
bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple
of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon
as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language...
Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter
words... You've got to come get me and take me home.
PLEASE MOTHER!"

And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're
too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK


+++++++++

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to
be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your underpants and get up on the
examining table."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing,
"but I'd rather have my husband's baby."

+++++++

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor
told them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through
the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for
the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be
welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at
the grocery store anymore either."

++++++

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.

The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.

"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon, and out of the blue the husband says to his wife,

"Honey why don't you try on my pants."

His wife says "OK" and she puts them on.

After doing so she says, "Wow you could fit two of me in here."

The husband smiles and says, "Yea! that shows you who wears the pants in this family."

She smiles and says, "OK honey why don't you try on my pants?"

He looks confused and says, "OK...I can't get in them."

His wife replies, "And that's the way its gonna be until
you change your attitude!"

+++++++++++

The newlyweds arrive at the hotel and the girl tells her husband,
"Honey, I know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

"I will honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing we'll call the prisoner, so we will put the prisoner in the prison."

And they throw the first one. The guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband,
"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!"

The guy tired but very delighted tells her, "Let's put him into the prison another time!"

After the second the girl is very happy and she tells him, "Honey! The prisoner is out again!"

The man rises and they throw the third! He is on the bed, exhausted and the girl says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

And he answers, "HEY! It's not life imprisonment!!"

++++++

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride
was just 23 years old. The groom looked pretty feeble and
the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him since
his young bride was a healthy, vivacious woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down
the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the
banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little
shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned,
"Whatever happened to you, dear? You look like you've
been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to
speak, "Geez, he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years,
and I thought he meant his money!"

++++++++

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her
lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our
rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our
clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."

The husband rolls over on the couch.

"And you darn well should be," he agrees. "Those two
worthless brothers of yours ain't never given us a cent!"

+++++++

Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"

Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you.
I shall worship the ground that you walk on. I shall –
errrr ---uhhhh----

You're NOT going to look like your mother, are you?"

+++++++

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time
again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes
into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges
from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,
exposing his body for the first time to his bride where
she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down
and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she
asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part
of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

++++++++

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage
she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I
suppose, like all men who have been married before, your
husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told
Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can
start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said,
"Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and
caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said,
"Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make
love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what
is a headache?"

++++++++

 Begin R-rated Newly Wed Humor.....

There was a couple who got married and went to a local motel
for their honeymoon. For three days, nobody saw or heard from
them, and the caretaker became worried. He decided to check
in and see if everything was okay.

He knocked on the door, and the young groom opened the
door, blushing, wearing only his underwear.

The caretaker asked him, "Sorry to bother you, but is
everything okay? We haven't seen you in a few days."
The groom answered, "Don't worry about us. We are just
enjoying the fruits of love."

The caretaker then replied, "Oh! In that case, would you
mind not throwing the peels out the window? Two of my
geese have choked already!"

++++++++++

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex,
fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their
wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her
impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided
that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it
was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she
got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of
the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's
legs called?"

"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the
penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the
head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question
doctor, what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind
the head of the penis?"

He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but
on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."

+++++++++++++++

This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it, so when they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"

The man responds by raising his hand and outstretching his fingers.

"What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.

"No", he replied. "Pick a finger".

++++++++

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

+++++++++++

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.

So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."

+++++++++

A young woman, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs
called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of
the penis."

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the
newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?"

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

**********

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Hang on, I'm still counting."

************

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of night-caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding night and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you know....do it!"

The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should
they go for twice, as its a special occasion! Anyway they decide to
retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss
our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
wives sat with us."

"No you're right, what we'll do then, for every piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times you did it" offers another groom.

They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlor they're all looking a bit
disheveled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just Shagged Look'.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I shall also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"

The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and
shoot the FOUR shooter groom.

The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, yet I shall have,.." he takes a deep breath and
surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their friend must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why that's an awful lot"

"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is."

She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves
the seven times a night groom calls after her again. "And by the way
love, make two of them brown!!!"

++++++++

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her
husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. To her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:
"She's not my wife... She's not my wife... She's not my wife..."

**********

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

++++++++++=

Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night
in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an
incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy.
Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't
have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant
idea. He dashed out of the room and went to the reception to ring
his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his
body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this
but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if
she was ready. Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom
and put his head down the toilet.

++++++++++++++

This young couple got married and decided to honeymoon
in Miami Beach, FL. With limited resources, they
decided to take a bus to Florida from New York City.

On the first day, the bus got as far as Delaware and
broke down. The bus company agreed to put the
passengers up at a nearby motel. The young husband was
most eager to consummate the marriage during that
evening but, the young wife said, "No. We must wait
until we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach."

The next morning, the got back on the bus but, in South
Carolina, the bus breaks down again. Once more the bus
company agrees to put the passengers up at a local
motel.

With more urgency, the young groom wants to consummate
the marriage, but the young wife says, "Not until we
start our honey- moon in Miami Beach."

The next morning, they got back on the bus and, just as
they get to Jacksonville FL, the bus breaks down for
the third time. Once again the bus company pays for a
motel.

They are hardly in the room a minute when the young
bride tears off her clothes and then his, and the pent
up sex runs rampant!

After, they are lying in bed, and the young groom asks
of his new bride, "How is it that after wanting to wait
until the honeymoon started in Miami Beach, you so
totally changed your mind? Not that I object, mind
you!"

The young bride replies, "I was listening to the two
people sitting behind us and they said, 'By the time we
get to Miami Beach, the fucking season will be over',
and I wasn't going to miss it!"

+++++++++++

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married
a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into
the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same
nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well,
well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil.
This one's black."

+++++++++

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor
and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée
thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can
try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed,
take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your
husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your
virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will fall
for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the
honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom,
slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and
climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was
that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it
again, it's got my balls!"

+++++++++

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully
place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot
until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a
short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride
to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got
ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened
her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

+++++++

 
Stan got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.

'For pete's sake, Stan!' said his bride, 'you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee!'

So Stan got up and put his bowling ball in the sink.

++++++

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns
from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new
lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers,
dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his
new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong,
Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise
you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there
sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come
on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for
breakfast."

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find
his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong
now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"

"Warming up your supper!" she replies.

++++++

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's
as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you
a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's 
about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some
nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and
he yells, "Fuck."

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

++++++++++

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and
they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the
husband does sexually, the woman never achieves
orgasm.

His wife demands sexual pleasure, so they decide to
ask the rabbi for advice. The rabbi listens to their
story and makes the following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you
are making love, have him wave a towel over you as
though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally
naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both
with the towel. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on a full blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire
a handsome young man and he strips off and
enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they
make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is
unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says
the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over
them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young
man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves
the towel. The hired hand really works with great
enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young
man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

++++++

A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the
honeymoon suite. "Do you have any reservations," inquires
the concierge.

"Only one," says the groom. "She won’t take it up the arse."

++++++++++

Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got
married and it was the first night of his honeymoon.
His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing
only a scanty silken black nightdress.

Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked
with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the
foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply
stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his
erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement
being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his
penis and the movement of his head from side to side
as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist
with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore
off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide
open waiting for him to take her.

Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to
the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk
across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared
intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread
legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an
agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out,
"For God's sake what are you waiting for?"

Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis,
blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even
more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her,
"I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or
the easy pink."

++++++

The newly married man came home from work to find his
new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed
in a very skimpy negligee. "Guess what I got
planned for dinner," she asked seductively?

"And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today...."

++++++

A Chinese couple while working in a Chinese restaurant, fall in love and get married - and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darling, I know dis you firs time and you bery frighten. I promise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.... What you
want?"

"I wanta have numma 69" she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You want...... Beef with
Broccoli?"

+++++++

A young girl announced to her mother that she was in love
and was going to marry a Greek sailor.

The mother was not happy with the idea of her daughter
marrying a sailor, especially a Greek one. But she decided
that since her daughter was in love, she would give her some
motherly advice.

"If your husband wants you to have sex 'The Other
Way,' don't do it!", the mother warned.

The daughter heeded her mother's advice for nearly a
year. But one day, after a wild session of love making,
curiosity got the best of her.

The young woman asked her husband if they could
have sex "The Other Way."

Her husband jumped out of bed and yelled,

"What, and take a chance on having children?

+++++++=

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?"

Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows
him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the
bar you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife
interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass
Puppy Face?"

She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she
was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.
OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?"

She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different
hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing,
the dirty words and all that. .."

"You want dirty words Cutie Pie?..HERE, DRINK YOUR
F*****G BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F*****G MUG AND
EAT YOUR F*****G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T
GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT A*****E?!!"

++++++++++++

For any of you out there who is trying to conceive and using one of
those home pregnancy tests and can’t quite figure out the results,
here’s a handy little reference guide.

EPT (early pregnancy test) - Blue means not pregnant. Pink means
pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

+++++++

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night
long. Morning comes, and the groom goes into the bathroom, but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and
stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part
of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

+++++++

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called
out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to mother."

++++++

Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you are married?

A: Only if you are late for the ceremony.

+++

Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.

"The first night we did it nine times,"

"The second night, eight times.

The third night, seven times.

The fourth night, six times.

The fifth night, five times.

The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"

"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"

"Hey, you ever tried shoving a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass"?

++++++++

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent
the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read:
"Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long.
King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.

The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted .....

++++++++

A newlywed couple was spending their honeymoon in a remote log-cabin resort far up in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for five days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window... they're choking my ducks!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+

On his wedding night hubby kissed his bride, Jill, on the forehead then rolled over and went to sleep.

For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional peck on the forehead. Then came Saturday and he left right after dinner to join the boys down at the poolroom.

For Jill, this was the last straw and she began to pack her things.
A few minutes later, hubby burst into the room, grabbed Jill, tore
off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and began making violent love to her.

"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.

"Well, he said, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put out."

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸

A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No." She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

++++++++++++

HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep..... and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A flashy showgirl married a 97 year-old retired well-to-do General,
largely because she held the belief that the old codger wouldn't even
survive the wedding night.

While her new husband was in the bathroom, the woman slipped into a black see-through nightie and struck her most seductive pose upon the bed. When the old man finally emerged, she was startled to see that he was stark naked except for earplugs, a clothes pin on his nose and a condom.

"Why are you wearing those?" she asked in amazement.

"Because if there's anything I just can't stand, "he grumbled, "it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

++++++

You know the honeymoon is over when your wife says, "If I'm asleep when you get through, pull my nightgown down."

+++++++

After a few days of marriage the husband noticed a strong female odor and remarked to his wife to ask the pharmacist if there was any remedy.

The next day she met him at the door and explained how the pharmacist had instructed her on the use of a douche. She excitedly explained, "and they come in many flavors, strawberry, grape, orange..."

Her husband interrupted and asked "What flavor did you get?"

She answered happily... TUNA!

++++++++

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On
their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"

John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"

+++++++++

The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing  the former's impending wedding.

"If you want an unforgettable wedding night," her friend said, "get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony."

A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said plaintively, "Only eight of the oysters worked."

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