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Nursing Humor
Medical:
Doctors Hospitals
Transcription
Psychiatric
MISSOURI: A Missouri nurse's colleagues drew a heart on her buttocks while she had a rectal exam. Colleagues of Phyllis
DeForrest of Forsythe also wrote I love Dr Shaffer- the doctor performing the procedure.
When Ms DeForrest woke after the procedure, one of the nurses showed her a photo of her backside which her
colleagues had taken with an endoscope, a special camera used in the procedure.
Ms DeForrest wants to sue, saying she lost her dignity. A trial has begun in Taney County Circuit Court over whether
Ms DeForrest was treated improperly. She wants to sue the health center, three nurses and a technician.
+++++++++
Terry, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must
help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And
then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
++++++
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination
room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down in the examination
room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube
of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know
what the glove is for, but what's the beer for?"
At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open
and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"
++++++++++
There was a pretty nurse named Carol who broke her engagement to a doctor. She was explaining everything to a friend. "Do you mean to say," exclaimed Cindy, "that the bum asked you to give back the ring AND all his presents ?" "Not only that," said Carol, "he sent me a bill for 37 visits."
+++++++++++++
A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"
The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."
+++++++++++
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible
headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be
complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor
about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, 'Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. Don't you remember,
about halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic?!'
++++++
One day two nursing nuns were visiting elderly patients who were homebound.
As they were driving down the road toward their next call, they ran out of gas.
The one nun said, "We passed a gas station a little while back. I'll walk back to get some gas while you stay here with the car. But what
will I carry the gas in? We don't have anything in the car."
The second nun said, "There's a bed pan in the trunk. You can put the gas in THAT to bring it back here."
So off went the first one. When she returned with the gas in the bed pan, the two of them proceeded to open the gas tank and pour in the gas.
Just then, an 18 wheeler with two men in it came by. The man who was not driving leaned way out the window and said to the driver in a surprised voice, "Did you see that? Now, THAT'S FAITH!"
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Graduate Nurses vs Experienced Nurses
A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons.
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse.
A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.
A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family.
A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.
A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
+++++++++++
 
R-rated Nursing Humor:
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him,
"Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so
he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline... no pulse...no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says,
"I think she choked."
++++++++
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly
died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall,
"Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
+++++++++++++
There is a mental institution and a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting out like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and ask, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously!
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!"
Bob says.. "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
+++++++
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after
this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his
wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and
asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti'
on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the
doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear,
you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and
I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and
I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard,
fell to the floor with a heart attack - and died.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - two with sausage and
meatballs, two without."
+++++
 
Learning that he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, Mr. Shipman
took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. To his delight, he found a woman
almost at once and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Shipman had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after
five minutes of nursing, the woman was
almost beside herself with passion.
"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Shipman responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
+++++++
An elf was so paranoid about the size of his dink that he
could never work up the courage to have sex. Then, one day
he fell in love with an elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on
some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally
mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing, the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
"Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
+++++++
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to
perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
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Professions:
Farmers
Police Legal
Medical:
Doctors Hospitals
Transcription
Psychiatric
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