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Osama Humor Coming to Afghani-TV:
Behind the Mule-Sack
Mad About America
Hellraise Place
E! Wild in Afghanistan
Minefield
Lifestyles of the Stench and Faceless
The Weakest Fink +++++++++
Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape, U.S.
How to destroy Al Qaeda: ++++++++
Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, Losing my religion - REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix) Unchained Mullahdy - The Self Righteous Brothers Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head - Johnny Farnham Living on a Prayer mat - TaliBon Jovi Tented love - Soft (Terrorist) Cell Do you really want to shoot me? - Boy George Bush & Capture Club Rockin Allah-ver the World - Status Quaeda I'm too extremist for my turban - Right Said Mullah Mohammed Omar The Ayatollah Skank - Fatwa Boy Slim (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile - Steve Harley & Northern Rebel ++++++++ I N T E R C A V E M E M O Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: Food. I bought a box of Cheezels recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheezels were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama ++++++++++ General Norman Schwartzkopf (leader of the American forces in Desert Storm back in 1991) was asked recently if the terrorists who are responsible for the attacks on 9-11 (such as Osama Bin Laden and his cohorts, of course!) deserve our mercy and forgiveness. Here is his response: “Mercy and forgiveness are God’s job to do. Our job is to arrange the meeting with God.” +++++++ Did you hear about the war between the Al-Qaeda and Pakistan? The Al-Qaeda were lobbing hand grenades. Pakistan's soldiers were pulling the pins and throwing them back. +++++++++++ It is reported that Bin Laden said that if he is killed, he wants an orthodox Muslim funeral. However, he also said that in the event that he is only injured, he wants a Jewish doctor. ++++++++++ THE TOP 17 SONGS ABOUT OSAMA BIN LADEN 17. Bomb Drops Keep Fallin' on my Head 16. Ain't No Mountain High Enough, or With Enough Caves 15. Taliban on the Run 14. Jalalabad Moon Risin' 13. Fifty Ways to Leave Your Bunker 12. Freebeard 11. Allah Said Knock You Out 10. The Goatest Love of All 9. Don't Cry for Me, Al Qaeda 8. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (So I Cut Off Her Hands and Publicly Stoned Her to Death) 7. Meet'yer Mak'er 6. Grandmullah Got Run Over By a Reindeer 5. Pretty Fly for a Soon-to-be Dead Guy 4. The Night They Drove Ol' Dickhead Down 3. He Ain't Heavy, Which is Good Because Someone's Going to Have to Carry His Lifeless Body a Substantial Distance 2. (Shittin' in the) Back of the Cave 1. Cheney's Got a Gun ~~~~~ Q. How can you tell when a boy becomes a man in the Taliban? A. His diaper moves from his ass to his head. +++ Chaim: I think they should erect a statue of Osama Bin Laden in Times Square. Yankel: A statue of Osama Bin Laden? Are you crazy? Why? Chaim: Three reasons: 1) It will give shade in the summer. 2) It will give shelter in the winter. 3) It will give the pigeons a chance to speak for everybody else. ++++++ What's the difference between bin Laden and Aladdin? Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 - a death wish. +++ How do you stop a Taliban tank? Shoot the guy pushing it! +++++++ Heard on the radio today... " It's God's responsibility to forgive bin-Laden. It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting! " ++++++++ To: The Guys From: Osama Re: The Cave Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've put up a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene. Especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth, food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote 'Osama' on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration....that's all I'm asking. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Thanks to all, Osama ++++++++++ A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Irish SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then....... silence. The voice then calls out: "One Irish SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again....... silence. The Irish voice calls out again: "One Irish SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then....... silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander: "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them." +++++++++ O s a m a C l a s s i f i e d A d s _______________ <> _______________ Here are some recent classified ads Osama bin Laden took out in Afghanistan newspapers. _______________ <> _______________ For Sale: Huge cave, ventilated, isolated for privacy, rock solid. More ventilation is added daily due to heavy bombardment. Free ear plugs included! Call 1-800-BIG-BANG. _______________ <> _______________ For Sale: Terrorist training course. Learn from my mistakes. Includes my exclusive list of countries you shouldn't mess with, they get really mad! Damn cowboys. Call 1-800-IMA-DOPE. _______________ <> _______________ Wanted: A safe place to cower in fear while I talk big and pervert the minds of the young and senseless. Preferably near a teeming population of highly gullible people that would be susceptible to empty promises of vain glory. Call 1-800-YOU-FOOL _______________ <> _______________ For Sale: Wives, variety of ages. Looks unimportant, lovely burkas! Reason for selling: they can't run fast. Call 1-800-SLO- LADY. _______________ <> _______________ Wanted: Tank repairman. Must have own tools and be able to work without missing parts. Location: a little here, a little there, little pieces everywhere. Call 1-800-BLO-MEUP _______________ <> _______________ Wanted: Emotional counseling for misunderstood former terrorist with delusions of grandeur. Severely depressed, even my mother doesn't love me. Call 1-800-WOE-ISME. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Why does Osama always carry a piece of shit in his pocket? A: It's his photo ID.
+++ A: Nothing, yet.
+++ A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
+++ A: Duck.
+++ A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. +++ Q: Why does the Taliban Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force.
+++
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are
+++ A: The bucket.
+++ A: Two days.
+++ A: They can't stand bread.
+++
A: Because the camels can't handle it. And so, in the horrific aftermath of the barbaric World Trade Center bombing, begins the greatest, most extensive manhunt in the history of the planet... PRESIDENT: (resolute, drumming fingers) I don't care what it takes. We've got to find this guy. POWELL: Relax, Mr. President. We've got our best and brightest working on it. There's nowhere he can hide. And so, deep in a cave somewhere in Afghanistan...) FIRST TERRORIST: (hand on bin Laden's knee) Relax, Osama. You have covered your tracks expertly. There is no way the infidels will find you. BIN LADEN: (slapping the hand away) Yes, it is true. It is true... (Cell phone begins ringing) FIRST TERRORIST: (surprised) What in the name of... (he answers it) Hello..? (hears a click, then voices, someone gets on the line) What...? Who....? (astonished, hands phone to Bin Laden) It is for you, Great One. BIN LADEN: (confused) Hello...? VOICE ON PHONE: Osama, how are you today, sir? BIN LADEN: (angrily) Who in the name of the Evil One is this? VOICE ON PHONE: (smoothly) Sir, I represent Sandusky Home Improvement, Inc. Mr. Bin Laden, wouldn't you agree that your bunker would look better and last longer in clean, durable, carefree aluminum siding? BIN LADEN: Aaaarrgghh! Go away!! (He slams the phone down) (Cell Phone rings again) FIRST TERRORIST: (fearful) Do not answer it, Great One. BIN LADEN: (grabs the phone angrily) Hello?!! VOICE ON PHONE: Mr. Bin Laden? BIN LADEN: (furious) Who in the name of Satan is this? VOICE ON PHONE: Good evening, Sir. This is Bambi for Quest, formerly US West. We're contacting our best customers to tell them about our new, economical package of communications services, including call forwarding, call waiting, caller ID, telemarketing protection... BIN LADEN: (He slams phone on the ground.) Spawn of a thousand demon camels! (A second terrorist walks in, shuffling through a pile of letters) SECOND TERRORIST: (amazed) Look, Great One. Hundreds of VISA card solicitations, many with extensive credit lines and low, low introductory rates! BIN LADEN: (astonished) Who on earth has delivered these? SECOND TERRORIST: A man in blue shorts and a white shirt... driving a small red, white and blue truck. FIRST TERRORIST: (horrified) Ayeeeeeeee! BIN LADEN: The U.S. Postal Service?? We must HIDE!!!!!!! (They flee) (Meanwhile, back in the White House Situation Room...) PRESIDENT: How's our "budget friendly" phase of "Enduring Freedom" going? POWELL: Everything's proceeding according to plan. The harpies have His number and are in the process of harrying him to death. BUSH: What shall we sign him up for next? POWELL: We've just sent $10.00 donations in to the Sierra Club and Habitat for Humanity. Next we're going to sic Publisher's Clearing House on him, and then sign him up for a subscription to Watchtower. PRESIDENT: (slapping his thigh) Good! Good! Before long, he'll be begging for mercy....now, where did I put the "add your friends" number for Miss Cleo's Psychic Line? ++++++
Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr, Hussein, et al: - Call Century 21. List the cave. Stat! - Shave, change gender, bleach hair blond, change name to "Desiree" and move to Paris to pursue my dream of being a dancer! - Unplug flashing neon "Osama's Place!" sign. - Redeem gift certificate for Honey Baked Ham before it expires. - Order another gross of Change of Address cards. - Delete Pakistani prime minister from my AOL Buddy List. - Trim beard down to sassy goatee to look more "dangerous." - Quit smoking opium. Man, the crazy stuff I do when I smoke opium! - Order some gingham curtains from Pottery Barn to brighten up the cave. - Stop by Toys 'R' Us and pick up some more friggin' Pokemon crap for the kids. - Complete metamorphosis into adult housefly. - Have Cosmo subscription forwarded to Hindu Kush bunker. - 11:30 Eat Fruit Rollups while watching "Friends" via bunker satellite. - Pitch "Who Wants to Marry The World's #1 Most Wanted Man" concept to FOX. - Devise plan to get in the pants of that capitalist dog, Britney Spears. +++++++ Take all American women who are +/-5 years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, prozac, hormones, SPAM, etc. Drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally. Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make any men tremble. We have had our children, we would gladly die/suffer to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning and probably not as lethal; therefore, we have nothing to lose. Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like fire-ants with hot-flashes all through their god- forsaken terrain. +++++++ Q: How many Afghans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None...they don't have any power! ++++++ Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new antiterrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan??" +++++++ CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan. ++++++++ An Afghani military General walked into and a bank with six armed soldiers demanding to see the Bank Manager. The attendent saw the armed men and the angry look in the General's face and with shaking hands pointed at the manager's office. They all angrily entered the manager's office without knocking or talking to secretary. The manager wanted to scream at these rude men but he saw their guns and simmered down. Then the General said to the man,' we are aware that your bank does hides money for some corrupt Arab military officials, we want there names' The bank manager replied with sweat gushing through his face, 'I am sorry sir but we can't disclose our transactions with our customers'. The General brought his revolver and pointed it at the Bank manger and said,' No more Mr. nice guy, you have the count of five to talk or I'll blow your brains all over the office, 5'. The Bank managers legs were shaking as he replied, 'I am sorry sir the names of our customers are confidential'. '4' 'I beg of you sir, I have a wife and three kids' 'I want their names 3' The bank manager had not realized he had peed on his pants,' have mercy on me'. 'The names, 2' 'Its against the banks Policy sir', please don't kill me, the man cried out with tears in his eyes '1' The bank manager closed his eye to see death and when he opened his eyes he saw the General smiling and saying, 'General smith was right about the bank that don't talk, boys send in the bags and the other soldiers brought in bags of money for the General to put in the bank. After they left the bank manager made a phone call, " Mr. President we have some more Taliban funds that need to be seized". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble. ++++++ "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!" ++++++ What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed: 1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation." 2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate. 3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?" 4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence." 5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can. 6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence." 7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence. 8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back. ++++++++ Afghan TV Guide MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer" WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When Northern Alliance Attack" 900 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAYS: 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils" 9:30 - "My Two Baghdads" 10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Laden" 8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies" 9:00 - "Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Achmeds Creek" 10:00 - "No-witness News" 11:00 - Beavis and Raghead" 12:00 - This Old Tent" with Bob Villain NEWS FLASH SUNDAY EVENING: 11:00 - BOMBS AWAY!!!!!! Coming to Afghani-TV: I Love Osama: A sit-com that deals with Osama hiding flame red hair under the turban and his madcap buddies trying to sneak a peek. Love, Afghani style: A made for tv special dealing with the lives of Afghan terrorists who sacrifice themselves with a bomb, only to find out there aren't any virgins waiting "on the other side" after all. The Afghani "View": 5 Afghan women try desperately to see out of their frocks. Afghani Homes & Gardens: 10,000 ways to use sand and mud to enrich your environment. Afghan Outer Limits: 100,000 Taliban fanatics die and come to Paradise, only to find out that waiting at the Gates of Paradise to judge them are: Eisenhower, Patton, Montgomery, et al. Afghan City Limits: A "Country Western" Format featuring Taliban Terrorists blowing themselves up in different Notes and Keys. My Life as a Secret Mullah: Retitled when "My Life as an Infidel" was thought unclean. Turnabout is Fair Play: Afghani women replace Afghani men in positions of authority for a day. Afghani Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Mullah Achbad Allah Moockbed tours the fabulous Caves of Osama Bin-Laden. Afghan Match-Game 2001: Contestants try to match terrorists with suicidal bombs of choice. Afghani Let's Make a Deal: Contestants try to out-wit World Leaders, only to find out that there's nothing behind any of the doors. Afghan Nightly News: Cancelled before ever airing due to lack of power and facilities. On Top, With Afghan Leaders: Contestants try to guess if the Taliban Leaders have any hair under those head-towels. Afghani Firing Line: Taliban Leaders stack unsuspecting nomads in front of enemy attacks. ++++++++++ Killing Osama bin Laden will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will only inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, we should do neither. Let the Special Forces, Seals, Green Berets, etc., covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban. ************** ************** Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afganistan, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afganistan. President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country, nothing can get in or out --- virtually impenetrable." President Bush says, "Very impressive, fill it with water. ********************** A guy driving a truck in the middle of the Afghan desert picks up a hitch-hiker. It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly, there's a big bang, and the hitch- hiker wakes up and says, "What the hell was that?". The truck driver replies, "Some kind of animal; go back to sleep." A little further down the road, another big bang is heard. Once again, the hitch-hiker yells out, "What the hell was that?" The driver replies, "Some kind of animal again. Stop worrying and go back to sleep." Further into the night, a loud "bang, bang, bang," was heard. "Alright, what the hell is going on here?" asked the hitch- hiker. "O.K., it's just that snake of a bastard Osama bin Laden." "How terrible, " says the hitch-hiker, "but why were there three bangs the last time?" The truck driver replies, "Well, I had to drive through two fences to run the bastard over!" ++++++++= Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!" ++++++ Q: Why there are so many al-Qaida warriors in the front lines of Afghanistan? Q: Because a mine is a terrible thing to waste! +++++++ First Annual Kabul Air Show Scheduled Kabul, Afghanistan 17:52GMT - Sept. 27, 2001 Citizens of Afghanistan are reportedly looking forward with great anticipation to reports of an international air show to be held in the skies over their nation. An unnamed official informed us that "Now the rest of the world will look upon our beloved city with great honor just as they do Farnborough, England and Paris, France", referring to the sites of two other famous international air shows. The exact date and time of the upcoming Kabul International Air Show has not yet been announced. It is believed that event organizers feel that such an announcement would detract from the fun of the celebration by, "spoiling the surprise". Unlike most air shows the Kabul Air Show will feature almost no static ground displays but will have an unusually high number of aerial demonstrations and fly-bys. "We are most pleased by this feature of our air show. Instead of a lot of different kinds of airplanes just sitting around on the tarmac, the aircraft attending our show will actually be up in the air demonstrating what they do best!" we were told. Participation will probably be heaviest by aircraft of the United States Air Force and Marine Corps. Including appearances by F-15's, F-16's, A-10's, B-52's and Apache helicopters. It is rumored that opening ceremonies will feature a tomahawk-cruise fireworks display. A few B-2's, and F-117A's may also help out in some unseen capacity. Several other counties have expressed an interest in sending representatives. These include all nineteen nations in the NATO alliance as well as Australia. The excitement generated for this gala event has even prompted the Israeli Air Force to apply for participation. Of course, no one is more excited than the Afghan people themselves. Great numbers of them are in the streets of Kabul looking constantly heavenward in gratitude for the historic event, which will soon take place in their skies. It has been observed that some are so concerned about missing the show that even as they bow to the East they keep snatching worried glances towards the West. Thousands, in fact, have been seen leaving the city and fleeing to the mountains carrying food and blankets - obviously anxious to get a good vantage point for the air show, and to make a picnic of it. ****************** Overheard deep within the mountains of Afghanistan: Where is Osama Ben Laden? He's in the Wit-less Protection Program +++++++ We just read that the Taliban law considers kite-flying useless and an obstacle to education. Leave it to a terrorist country to believe you only fly something to kill. +++++++ There once was a creep called Ben Laden He once ruled the squeamish Taliban-en Until he messed with the States Now his downfall is fate And he'll soon be known as the dearly departed. +++++++ Osama Ben Laden declares a holy war? From which hole? ++++++ T is for the times you tried to hurt us E is for the Evil that implores you R is for Revenge which you deserve R is for Reasons America will surive O is for "our flag was still there" R is for recovery that we'll restore. I is for the Ignorance that fuels you. S is for your leader who is Satan T is for our towers...they'll be back. ++++++++ Osama and the Taliban now hear the letter and number called out so frequently in Iraqi back in 1991. You know, the one that broke up the Iraqi bingo games, only now to be heard in Afghanistan. B-52! ++++++++++ Q: Why don't human beings pay any attention to what Osama bin Laden teaches? A: Because a waste is a terrible thing to mind. +++++++ Q: Did you hear about the Polish Special Forces? A: They raided Macy's because they heard Bed Linen was on the 4th floor. ++++++++++ 50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden... Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss 1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious. 2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?" 3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell. 4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place. 5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook. 6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle. 7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics. 8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping. 9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition. 10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks. 11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top. 12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys. 13. Mine his bathroom. 14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots". 15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex. 16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com. 17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com. 18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar. 19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity." 20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00. 21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden." 22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues. 23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters. 24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings. 25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke. 26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes. 27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended. 28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down. 29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube. 30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan. 31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent. 32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust. 33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive. 34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him. 35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan. 36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad. 37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!" 38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list. 39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends." 40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind." 41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling. 42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly. 43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".* 44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back. 45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels. 46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes. 47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan. 48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite. 49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi. 50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!" *Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone's head in an arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;) This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided you send the author an acknowledgment at ameiss@earthlink.net. Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America! +++++++++ The following Osama Jokes are R-rated and are worse than those preceding! R-rated Osama Humor: +++
Q: Why can't you circumcise Osama bin Laden? To visit other humor pages, click on any of the categories to your left!
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