So, while reporting a hit-and-run accident scene, the first policeman says to the second, "OK: body on the road, hands on the road, legs on the road, head on the pavement."

His partner writes, stops, thinks for a moment, then asks, "How do you spell 'pavement'?"

So the first policeman looks around, kicks the head and says, "Head on the road."

++++++++

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead
of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars
were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got
out of his car and walked around to the truck
driver, put his hands on his hips and said,
"Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells,

"PULL OVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, 

"It's a SCARF!"

ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,

A young man decided to join the police force. As
a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

+++++++

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Without much of a choice, the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

After gleefully accelerating to about 90 mph, the Pope was pulled over by the State Patrol. The trooper came to his window, took a look inside, and said, "Just a moment, please. I need to call in.

"The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do.

"The chief replied, "Who is it? A senator?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."

The chief asked, "It's the Governor, isn't it?"

"No. More important."

"The President?"

"No. More important."

"Well, Who the heck is it?!," screams the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

An man was going 55 MPH in a 45 MPH zone, and a cop with flashing lights appeared behind him. Instead of pulling over, he sped up to 70 MPH, then 85 MPH with the cop staying right behind him.

Finally, he pulled over, and the cop asked,

"Didn't you see my lights?"

"Yes, I did."

"Then why didn't you stop?", the cop asked.

"Well, three months ago", the players said, "My wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

==========

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding? 

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his
window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had
been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies
of the pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders
to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.

The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the
ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town:

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. 

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."

So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
read..........

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."

++++++

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked
to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One
of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly
to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture!"

~~~~~~

Three newly recruited trainee police officers are having a cup of coffee in their sports club canteen. They engage in a conversation about superstition.

The seemingly older of the chaps says, "When my wife was pregnant, she read a book called 'Double Trouble' and she ended up having twins."

The second lad responds, "That's interesting -- guess what? My wife read 'The Three Musketeers' when she was pregnant, and had triplets."

+++++++++

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem – a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

+++++++++++

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. 

The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

+++++++

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

-=+=-=+=-=+=-=+=-=

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

++++++++++++++

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police cruiser and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is,

"You're Passionate."

They drove awhile longer and asked again. Again the same response as she stroked his arm,

"You're Passionate".

The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live."

She replied, "I keep trying to tell you,

"You're Passin It!"

+++ 

"Where there are too many policemen, there is no liberty. Where there are too many soldiers, there is no peace. Where there are too many lawyers, there is no justice." Lin Yutang

+++

"I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."

The old lady pulled him over to her window. 

"Oh, you have to look through this telescope."

+++++++++++++=

A man went to get his driver's license renewed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,

"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

++++++++++++

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

I get so many tickets so fast, I had to replace my glove compartment with a filing cabinet.

The good news is I now have a master's degree from traffic school.

------------------------------------------------------------

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place
and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of
soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to
the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas
and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front
doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f**kin' way.

*Click*

---------------

The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

++++++

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car!

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman...

no charges were filed. :o)

++++++

Little Danny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking
for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks
through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally
caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.

"It's like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to
confession...and I'm a little short of material."

==============

The police recently busted a man for selling a fountain of
youth elixir. When going through the files they noticed it
was the fourth time he was arrested for the same con.

He had previously been arrested in 1856, 1894 and 1928.

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 ... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

++++++++++++++++++

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 Bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." 

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are you Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I pay your salary.

Thanks, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

When the officer says "Son, your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

================

A proud yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly pick up came along out of nowhere and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the distraught yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious, lovely BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid 'Beeeeemer', that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh nnooooooo..," wailed the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm once was, then he cried

"Where's my Roooolex?!" --

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, all I wanted to say...."

"You just don't listen, do you? Well, you're going to jail!"

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