Medical: Doctors  Nurses  Hospitals  Transcription  

Hello, Welcome To The "Psychiatric Hotline"

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

************

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every
night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous
monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack
me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting
rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make
friends with them."

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Clancy went into a pub and ordered a beer. He drank half,

then threw the rest at the bartender.

Clancy apologized, explaining it was a compulsion he'd

had for years that embarrassed him terribly.

The barkeeper told him to see a psychiatrist and warned

him not to come back until he had done so.

A few months later, Clancy again entered the bar and

ordered a brew. he drank half and threw the rest all over

the bartender.

"I told you not to come back here until you'd seen a

shrink about your compulsion!" the bartender yelled.

"I have been seeing one," replied Clancy indignantly.

"Well, it hasn't done any good," roared the dripping

bartender.

"Yes, it has," said Clancy.

"I'm not embarrassed about it anymore."

~~~~~

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you friggin' jackass!"

+++++++++++++

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our

five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash.

Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked,

"Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"

"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

++++++

"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've
got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream.
I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous
women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the
doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"
she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question
which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates,
that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips
around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I
must confess I don't know much about history."

  

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients
to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached
his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be
going well. When the National Anthem began, the doctor
yelled, "Up nuts!" The patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the
patients all sat back down in their seats.

During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The
doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out
into applause and cheers.

Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided
to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies
and a beer.

When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to
his group.

The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just
fine until this guy walked by and yelled
"Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining
of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him
what he looks for in a woman, and the guy
replies, "Big tits."

The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious
relationship."

The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in
the one woman you want to spend the rest
of your life with?"

The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy
just sat there on his couch laughing hysterically.

"Spend the rest of my life with one woman?
No woman's tits are that big!"

+++++++++++
A man has been seeing a psychiatrist for a number of years

when one day she tells him he doesn't have to return.

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asks.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she says. "I think we

can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control.

You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem

to know where your urge to steal came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell

you something. Although our relationship is strictly

professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my

life. I wish I could do something to repay you for

helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor says. "That's the only

responsibility you have."

"I know," the patient says. "But isn't there some

personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor says, "I'll tell you what. If you

ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice

portable color television."

Jack was a henpecked. He was seeing a psychiatrist
about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to
let your wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the
boss!"

Jack got home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his
wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders
from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper

ON the table. I want you go right NOW and lay out my
clothes. I'm going out with the boys. And YOU'RE going to
stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know
who's going to tie my tie??"

Jack's wife replied calmly, "The undertaker?"

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Lewis walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's
tutu with a parrot on his head and a cocktail onion stuffed
up each nostril.

The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the
problem?"

Lewis answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

------------------------------------------------------------

A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the

countryside. On one of his long walks, he passed a

Mental Institution, and behind the chain link fence,

he saw the patients fighting ferociously with each other.

Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked

what was going on.

The man replied,

"This happens every day; there's nothing else to do."

So John went to see the director and offered to install

a swimming pool at his expense.

The director was very happy with the offer and

accepted immediately.

Ten days later, John received a phone call from the

director, requesting his presence the following day

for the grand opening.

Pleased, John accepted. He than decided to take a

stroll out to the Institution to see how well the pool

had been built.

As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and

exited voices. A few yards later, he had a full view of

a beautiful pool, complete with high tower diving

boards, for which the patients were lining up to do

cannonballs and swan dives.

Calling the same man at the fence, John said,

"You guys like this, huh? I see no more fighting,

isn't this fun?"

The man replied,

"Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it’ll be even more

fun when they put the water in it."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.

"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with

the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to

scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just

need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning,

I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.

Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,

and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.

Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out

of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned

with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've

enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with

the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied.

"My wife does."

==================================================================

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice
moaning, "13, 13, 13, 13..."

He looks over to the hospital and sees a hole in the wall. So he
walks over to the hole and he looks through it, and then he gets
poked in the eye!

Now the moaning voice started groaning: "14, 14, 14, 14..."

------------------------------------------------------------

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: No f#@&in' way.

*Click*

=========================

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught

Stranger who staggered into his office and

slumped into a chair.

"You've got to help me. I'm losing my memory,

Doctor," he sobbed. "I once had a successful

business, a wife, home and family; I was a

respected member of the community. But all

that's gone now. Since my memory began

failing, I've lost the business - I couldn't

remember my clients' names. My wife

and children have left me, too; and why

shouldn't they – some nights I wouldn't

get home until four or five in the morning.

I'd forget where I lived...And it's getting

worse. Doctor - it's getting worse!"

"This is not an unusual form of neurosis,"

the psychiatrist said soothingly. "Now tell

me, just how long ago did you first

become aware of this condition?"

"Condition?" The man sat up in his chair.

"What condition?"

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

++++++++++++++++++++

A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her

troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the

hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded.

"It's gotten so that every time I date one

of the young doctors here, I end up in

bed with him. And then afterward, I

feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want

me to strengthen your will power and resolve

in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse.

"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and

depressed afterwards."

+++++++++++++++++

When Joe's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor

sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist

his troubles and said, Life isn't worth living.

"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be

your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in

your work. Now, do you do for a living?"

"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband

climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely

natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps

waking me up!"