Short Blondes        Quotations

My mother asked, "How do those car phones work when the sun goes down?"

I told her, "It's cellular, not solar."

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"May I go swimming, Mommy?"

"No, you may not. There are sharks here."

"But Daddy's swimming."

"He's insured."

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While getting dressed one morning, I decided I'd been spending too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my makeup mirror to see what time it was.

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They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. As a plumber, I'm delighted to see all these teenagers wearing low-rider jeans.

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How long will it be until American universities learn that in most fields, their diplomas are now quite literally not worth the paper they are written on?

What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? 

To hold cows together. 

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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. 

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I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 

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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're married.

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Do you know what one sagging boob said to the other sagging boob? 

If we don't get these damn things fixed, we're going to look like a couple of nuts !

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What do you have when you have a lawyer, up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand...

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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don't know; it has never happened.

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What is the difference between men and government bonds?

The bonds mature.

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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes!

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What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that.

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What did God say after creating Eve?

"Practice makes perfect."

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How are men and parking spots alike?

All the good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

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Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? 

A widow.

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Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?

He wouldn't ask for directions.

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How do you keep a fish from smelling?

You Cut off His Nose! 

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What is the difference between a quarter and a dime?

15 cents 

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Q: What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half-mast? 

A: They're hiring. 

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This sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. 

The bartender says: I'm sorry – We don't serve food here! 

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What do you call a dog with no legs? 

Call it whatever you want – It still isn't going to come to you! 

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? 

Art 

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Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? 

It won't work and you can't fire it! 

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U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert was in good condition in a Chicago-area hospital after kidney stone surgery earlier this year...

They're the first of MANY things he won't be able to pass this year... 

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What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? 

Nacho Cheese 

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What happens if you get a gigabyte? 

It megahertz. 

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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 

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Why did Helen Keller's dog suffer from depression?

You would, too, if your name was Arraarraaaghh.

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Q: How can you tell when your getting old? 

A: You have to marinate your Jello. 

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Q: What do you call the moisture generated when a couple from Arkansas has sex? 

A: Relative Humidity! 

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What happens when you don't pay your exorcist? 

You get repossessed! 

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Minister asked a lady what three hymns she would like. 

She answered, "I'd like him, and him, and him." 

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What does Hannibal Lecter call people he doesn't like? 

Hard to swallow. 

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Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

Shoot him again.

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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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Q: What's the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him – Then tell him to pick only one.

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Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?

A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

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Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law

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In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, one man in charge of the meat department at a large grocery store in Wichita Falls, Texas, deserves a round of applause. On his time card he describes his position as "Meat Head." 

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Q. Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine?

A. You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it.

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Boss... "I saw you arguing with that customer. Don't you know that our policy is 'The customer is always right?'" 

Employee... "Yes I do, But he insisted that he was wrong!"

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Remark to the pastor after morning service: "Every sermon you preach is better than the next one." 

*** 

One-One was a racehorse, Two-Two was one too. When One-One won one race, Two-Two won one too! 

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What do you call a cat that fell in a garbage can? 

Kitty litter! 

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The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, 

"Does this look natural?"

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Q. Why are women are like tires? 

A. There's always a spare. 

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Q. Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? 

A. Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. 

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Q. How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: A fish. 

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Q. Why did the chinese lady throw pots and pans down the stairs? 

A. To name her children ping pang pong! 

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Q: Why does the TV show Cops get such good ratings? 

A: Americans want to see themselves on TV. 

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I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day! 

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What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull and a Collie?

A dog that rips your arm off and then goes for help. 

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I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... 

...does that mean that one enjoys it? 

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A sausage walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here." 

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A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." 

The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink." 

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Lexuses or Lexi? It's like the man who wanted to buy two mongoose. Or is it mongeese? Or mongooses? He finally said, "Send me a mongoose, and tomorrow send me another one." 

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What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

"Hey, nice belt!"

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Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? 

It's called, Sosumi.

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Q: How do you know when you are in a gay church?

A: Only half the people are kneeling!

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Q: Why did the Siamese twins go to England? 

A: So that the other one could drive! 

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Why is it that night falls but day breaks? 

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He was bitten by a snake, so I gave him whiskey. 

It didn't cure him, but he died happy. 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? 

He walks around saying, "Yo." 

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How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee? 

With Kareem!!! 

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Husband's note to his wife: 

"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal." 

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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? 

Both of them.

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What do you call a cow with no legs? 

Ground beef.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

**** 

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

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What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

**** 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

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Q: Did you here about the two blonds that froze to death at the drive in? 

A: They went to see closed for winter!

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Q: What do you get when you mix Rogaine with Viagra? 

A: Hair like Don King!

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How do most men define marriage? 

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

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Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

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What goes tick-tick-tick-tick-woof? 

A watchdog. 

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If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.

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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

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Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?

A: A woman's mouth!

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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Q: There is a new African-Mexican restaurant. 

A: It is called Nacho-Mamma. 

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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? 

A: They're trying to get away from the noise. 

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Q. Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?

A. To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she could love you.

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Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"? 

A: Vegetarian! 

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Q: How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: One, but it takes 5-8 adjustments. 

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When does a woman care for a man's company?

When he owns it.

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

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Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?

A. Who cares?

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Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, 
and a Jackass to pay for it all.

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Q. Why do men buy electric cord lawn mowers?

A. So they can find their way back to the house.

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The last fight was my fault. 

My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" 

I said, "Dust!" 

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to support you.

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Did you hear about the Washington survey? They asked a thousand women if they would sleep with the President.

95% replied, "Not again."

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Q: What do the LAPD and the Alanta Falcons have in common? 

A: Neither one can catch a Bronco! 

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Q: What are the 3 rings of marriage? 

A: The Engagement ring, the Wedding ring and the Suffering! 

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How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? 

She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn. 

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Why are turds tapered at the end?

So your asshole doesn't slam shut! 

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Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert?

A: Chocolate covered aunts.

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Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

Tim: Don't bite any.

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What has 12 teeth and 150 eyes?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

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Q: What was one of the first obscenities ever heard on T.V.? 

A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" 

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Q: What do you think of Flushing, NY? 

A: I think it's a great idea. 

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Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? 

A: Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. 

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This is a most confusing time: The leading rap singer is white, the world's best golfer is black, and Bill Clinton just got back from Vietnam. 

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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. 

Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? 

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A guitar player and a drummer are walking down the street. They walk past 
this bar... well, it could happen.

Q: What's the definition of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

Q: How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door?
A: He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like 
it. 

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

Q: What has three legs with an ass on top?
A: A drum stool!

Q: What do you call 1,695 violins at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start! 

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Q: Why won't they let Oprah wear a Malcolm X jacket? 

A: Because the helicopters keep trying to land on her back!

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" 

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

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Q. What is the difference between ignorance and indifference? 

A. I don't know and I don't care.

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Q. What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do? 

A. Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog.

****

Why do surgeons wear facemasks? 

So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it! 

****

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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Why did the skeleton burp? 

Because it didn't have the guts to fart. 

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This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it." 

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Have you heard about the new Barbie doll? 

It's called Divorce Barbie. It comes with all of Ken's stuff

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What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

Santa Klutz!

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What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?

Santa pause!

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So you've probably seen the headline by now regarding the study linking smoking and colon cancer.

Somehow I can't help but thinking they're blowing smoke up my ass.

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What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?

I-40.

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A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

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Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

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If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

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It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Q. What did God say after creating man?

A. "I can do so much better."

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Q. What did he say after he created woman?

A. "Guess I was wrong!"

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How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

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A 5-year-old little girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."

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Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

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Q. What does the Gingerbread Man have on his bed?

A. Cookie sheets.

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What do you get when you cross a Bumble Bee with a doorbell?

A Real Hum-dinger.

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Q. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside?

A. Corn.

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On the Space Shuttle, astronauts often have difficulties with constipation. 
Besides this, they have to seal up their wastes for return to Earth. In 
other words, they do what they can, and they can what they do.

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Hear about the guy who broke up with his girlfriend, who has a lazy eye?

Says she was seeing someone on the side.

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A couple of years ago, two co-workers and myself were having lunch and 
discussing dyslexia. One of them mentioned you don't hear a lot of public 
awareness about the disease. My response was 'Just Say On.'

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Now that he has dropped out of the Presidential primary race, Dan Quayle
plans to devote the next few months to writing an unauthorized
autobiography.

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Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving
his empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter
and says, "I think there's a fish out of water."

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The 3 fastest means of communication:

Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman

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Q. What do people from Texas call sushi?

A. Bait.

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Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to 
begin training racehorses together?

A: She's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the 
three-year-olds!

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Q: Why do so many men use dial soap? 

A: Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.

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What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? 

A receding HARE-line. 

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Q: What did one eye say to the other eye? 

A: Between you and me, something smells! 

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What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop? 

An Amish drive-by shooting" 

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A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody
home." I went over. Nobody was home.

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One day, as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I
caught up with the guy and asked "Hey, why are you jogging naked ??"
He said..."Because you came home early."

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When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled
through."

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Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have them the same way, very rare.

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I told the bartender to surprise me, so he showed me a naked picture of
my wife. I said, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said,
"Everyone".

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I bought my wife a parrot that can talk. Now when I come home from
work I hear it say, "Quick! Out the window!"

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What did the frog order at McDonald's? 

French flies and a diet Croak 

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Her favorite T-Shirt: 

"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat" 

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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... 

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...Teach him how to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day! 

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What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

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Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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When do cannibals leave the table?

When everyone's eaten.

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The first cannibal asked the 2nd cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?"

The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now."

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Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? 

He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

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One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like!

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What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show?

A celebrity roast.

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Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture?

Eatin' Allen's.

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What do cannibals eat for dessert?

Chocolate-covered-aunts.

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What is a cannibal's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

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What do cannibals make out of politicians?

Bologna sandwiches.

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What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder.

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Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?

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Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

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Q: Why did the idiot take a ladder into the bar?

A: He heard the drinks were on the house.

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Q. How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

A. The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"

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Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

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Did you hear that the Government caused the earthquake in Seattle? 

It was the only way they could "break up" Microsoft! 

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What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted. 

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Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son." 

Father: "What's that?" 

Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating." 

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Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says: 
"I've realized that my wife is an angel." 

"Mine isn't human, either", said the second. 

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Do you know how many lawyer jokes there really are in the world? 

Only three. The rest are true stories. 

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Q: Did you ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

A: Because for every $50 that you earn, you get $10 and the IRS gets $40.

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Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything." 

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Ford Motor Company has purchased Volvo. Their new slogan is: 
Have you driven a Fjord lately?

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A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.

The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"

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Q: What does an atheist say during sex?

A: Oh, Darwin! Oh, Darwin!!

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Have you heard? Scientists have discovered a food that decreases 
a woman's sex drive by 95%. 

It's called Wedding Cake. 

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Q: Why did God invent liquor?

A: To keep the Irish from conquering the world!

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Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your
jack-o-lantern by its diameter? 

A: Pumpkin Pi! 

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Q: Why do you find ghosts hanging around liquor stores? 

A: That's where they get their boo's. 

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On my income tax 1040 it says, "Check this box if you are blind."

I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. 

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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. 
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. 

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Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear: 
You feel better when the creep is gone. 

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SON: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 

FATHER: "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." 

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Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte? 

A: It megahertz. 

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Q. What do you call a 400-pound woman who has sex with both men and women?

A. A bisexual built for 2.

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Q: How do you get a Harvard graduate off of your front porch? 

A: Pay him for the pizza! 

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Q: What's the difference between a beer and a booger? 

A: A beer goes on the table, a booger goes under it. 

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Why don't blind people bungee-jump?

It scares the crap out of their dogs.

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Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?

A: Two points, just like anyone else.

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Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

A: A Hot Cross bunny.

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Q: Why didn't the egg cross the road? 

A: Because he wasn't a chicken yet! 

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Q: What day does an egg hate the most?

A: Fry-days. 

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Did you hear the people of Minneapolis have banned the Bible? 

They feel there are just too many references to St. Paul! 

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Did you hear about the Indian chief named Running Water? He 
had two daughter, Hot and Cold, and a son named Luke.

***

Things are getting so bad in our town that the police dept. 
has an unlisted telephone number. 

***

I stepped into the restroom once and found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers... "Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President." 

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How do you get a Pikachu to board a bus? 

You Pokemon. 

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What does Hannibal Lecter call a Jacuzzi? 

A crock pot. 

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You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 

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They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 

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Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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Guys: No shirt, No service 

Girls: No shirt, No charge! 

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Q: Why are fish so smart? 

A: Because they live in schools. 

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Wanna hear a dirty joke? 
A boy jumped into a mud puddle. 

Wanna hear a clean joke? 
He took a bath with bubbles. 

Wanna hear a dirty joke? 
Bubbles is the girl next door.

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Found in a fortune cookie:

"You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products."

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Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal! 

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What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along
with a recipe.

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What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row row row your boat.

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What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1? 

Bo Derek getting older...

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Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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Two Antenna met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony
was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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"Did anyone lost a roll of bills around here with a rubber band around them?"

"Yes, I did."

"Well, I've found the rubber band."

+++

A Mother mouse and her baby were walking by a cave when a bat flew out. 

+++
A plane landed at Little Rock, the voice from the loudspeaker said: "Welcome to Arkansas, please set your watches back eight years." 

+++

What happens when you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed!

+++

Minister asked a lady what three hymns she would like. She answered,
"I'd like him, and him, and him."

+++

Women are like Angels - always up in the air and harping about something! 

***

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walks up to the driver's window and asks, "You drinkin'?" 

The driver said, "Well, that depends... You buyin'?"

+++

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you succeeded. 

+++

Man: So, what do you do for a living? 

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

+++

Man: Your body is like a temple. 

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 

+++

Man: Is this seat empty? 

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. 

+++

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there? 

+++

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. 

+++

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?

After a month they were fighting tooth and nail. 

+++

It's just hot all over the country. It was so hot in D.C. today that the only breeze was the investigators blowing the Condit case!

+++

The latest poll of people in Northern California finds that 60 percent will not vote for Gary Condit in the next election. The other 40 percent are dating him!

+++

Here's what we know about Gary Condit, he's a womanizer and he has a
crooked brother. Hey, this guy could be president!

+++

Celebrity birthday today - Monica Lewinsky turns 28 years old! Wow,
28 - it seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around on the
floor in the Oval Office.

+++

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

A: He sold his soul to Santa.

+++

Young son: Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Is that true?

Father: That happens in every country, son.

+++

Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. 

+++

What's the definition of an Impotent Loser?

A guy who can't even get his hopes up. 

+++

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

+++

I fell sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's as good as they're gonna feel all day. 

+++

Is there a Fourth of July in England?

Yes, it comes after the third of July!

+++

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks them over, then says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

~~~

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." 

She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

~~~

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

+++

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

+++

When Mary Jo Kopeckni told Teddy Kennedy that she might be pregnant, his only comment was, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it!"

+++

I dated this flake one time. Upon picking her up for dinner, she said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic tonight."

"Good!" I said. "That makes four of us." 

++++

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning in a lake, and you could only save one...

Would you????

+++

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept roaring and roaring, until a hunter came along and shot him...

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

+++

Do you know the difference between doctors and God?

God doesn't think He's a doctor!

+++

Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp?

When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys. 

+++

The Perfect Breakfast - You're sitting at the table and:
- your son is on the box of Wheaties.
- your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
- your wife is on the back of the milk carton!

+++

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that amateurs built the ark. 
Professionals built the Titanic.

+++

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. 

+++

Alan King once asked George Burns what sex was like for an old guy like him...

Burns replied, "It's like shooting pool with a rope!" 

+++

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. 
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: 
They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

+++

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

+++

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

+++

My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters 

+++

They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona 

+++

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." 

+++
  

+++

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." 

So I opened up the box, and sure enough... 

+++

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. 

+++

A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. 

"I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. 

"That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?" the guy asks. 

"Yes," the lawyer replies, "Now what’s your final question?" 

+++

-Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. 

+++

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?" 

I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. 

+++

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " 

I tell him I want a second opinion. 

He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!" 

+++

When John got arrested, he was told, "Anything you say will be held against you."

John responded, "Pamela Anderson." 

+++

One campaign consultant says he doesn't approve of political jokes. He's seen too many of them get elected. 

+++

-Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "OK.. but don’t ever, ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand."

+++

-Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

+++

-I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. 

+++

*L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait. 

+++

*I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. 

+++

*A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." 

+++

*I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." 

+++

*I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. 

+++

*A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?" 

+++

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

+++

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the
barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

+++

GIRL: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night?? 

BOY: What time was it?? 

+++

My neighbor, a primary school teacher, asked one of her pupils, an adopted child, how he felt about his mother's pregnancy. 

"Wonderful," the student replied, "this is her first baby from scratch!"

+++

George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?

The nation. 

+++

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

+++

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" 

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?" 

***

"No, I didn't actually build it," said the beaver to the rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."

***

I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, "Pardon me for not standing." 

+++

I had a friend with a real fancy convertible. It even had genuine sheep-skin seat covers. It looked great, but he couldn't park it in the country -- rams kept attacking it. 

+++

"What is an operetta?"

"That's a girl who works the switch-board at the telephone company." 

***
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?

"Quick," said one, "Run! Before they say we did it!"

+++

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now. 

+++

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

+++

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" 

+++

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

+++

Two skeletons in a glass display case in a museum. 

One says to the other, "If we had any guts, we would get ourselves out of here." 

+++

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

+++

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man 
and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man 
has rested.

+++

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" the 911 operator replies. 

"Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband." 

+++ 

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

+++

Skinny people tick me off! Especially when they say things like, 'You know, sometimes I forget to eat.' You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

+++

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't care.

+++

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, 'Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?' Clear as a bell my body said, 'listen wench...do it and die.'

+++

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.

+++

What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together? 

A typical upgrade 

+++

Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast. 

The mime next door went nuts. 

+++

Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? 

A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. 

+++

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

+++

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

+++

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

+++

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

+++

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

+++

Return to Joke Index

 Begin R-rated Quickies.....

A guy walks in to see a shrink wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. 

The shrink says, "Clearly, I see you're nuts". 

+++

Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? 

A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak." 

+++

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about 
men that I have found ... Gay or straight ... they all want blow-jobs.

+++

First man: Did you hear about the new ultra-sensitive condom? 

Second man: No. what about 'em? 

First man: They stick around and talk to the woman afterwards!

+++

A couple are lying in bed. 

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!"

The woman says dryly, "I'll miss you."

+++

Insult:
Did you know there are serial numbers on condoms?
Oh, sorry. I forgot, you don't need to roll them down that far.

+++

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear." 

+++

He said: "Come on, do you want to have a quickie?"

She said: "As opposed to what?"

+++

Who makes more money, a crack dealer or a prostitute?

A prostitute because she can wash her crack and sell it again! 

+++

Question: Do you think that Gary Condit's behavior is comparable to
Bill Clinton's?

Answer: Close but no cigar.

+++

I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so
now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

+++

Q: Did you here about the great VIAGRA robbery. Three men are
being sought for stealing a truckload of the new wonder drug! 

A: Police are searching for three hardened criminals! 

+++

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were
exactly like mine:

.....We were both crazy about girls." 

+++

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

+++

Q. Why does it take a woman with p.m.s. an hour to change a light bulb

A. IT JUST DOES OK! And if you don't like it you can just................

+++

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole,
then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

+++

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

+++

What are the three biggest lies?
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I won't cum in your mouth.
3. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

+++

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was
not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly
Neanderthal woman were.

+++

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said
"Honk if you love Jesus."

So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and
yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you fucking moron?"

+++

Did you hear about the couple who both achieved mutual sexual satisfaction at the very same moment?

They both said "Not tonight, I have a headache."

+++

Q: What is the definition of a "smart ass"?

A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
is.

+++

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that lost her boyfriend?

A: She forgot where she laid him.

+++

Santa and his reindeer were out for a practice run and landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, "I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!"

+++

Who was the famous artist with brown fingers?

Pic-ass-o.

+++

Have you heard the new song that Elton John and Michael Jackson wrote?

It's called: "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me"

+++

There will be a new soft drink on the market soon that will contain Viagra.

They're gonna call it "Mount 'N Do."

+++

The BIG difference between Hobos & Homos is that Hobos have no friends; and Homos have friends coming out their ass!!!

+++

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

+++

Q. Did I tell you about the worst blow job I ever got?

A. Yeah, it was great.

+++

Did you hear Rush Limbaugh got arrested?

The police searched his pants and found 200 pounds of crack!

+++

Why do women have trouble judging the size of things, and the distance their car is from the other cars?

Because for thousands of years, men have been telling them that something the size of their thumb is six inches long!

+++

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Female: Unfertilized.

+++

Pfizer recently announced that Viagra would be available in liquid form. It'll be sold under the name Mydixadud. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! 

+++

Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!

+++

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station?

A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and
sprays the gas all over the car.

+++

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it's
bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

+++

I do not have PMS, but do suffer from the male counterpart which is
SRH..... you know... SPERM RETENTION HEADACHE

+++

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat...
sooner or later your gonna get pissed off.

+++

Q. How do you get a cute little 80 year-old lady to say FUCK?

A. Get another cute little 80 year-old lady to shout BINGO.

+++

Q: Why does a dog lick it's penis?

A: Because it can't make a fist.

+++

Q. What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?

A. Some come out running and some run out coming!

+++

Q: What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

+++

Sucking a pussy is dangerous to your health because it is
5% urine
3% acidic
2% fatty
and
90% highly addictive!

+++

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration. 

+++

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky? 

A. Erotic is using a feather . . . kinky is using the whole chicken. 

+++

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. . . Men will screw anything.

+++

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? 

A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO" 

+++

Q. What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber? 

A. A robber snatches watches.

+++

Q. What's the speed limit of sex? 

A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. 

+++

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

+++

Q. Why is air a lot like sex? 

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

+++

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? 

A: She's withholding evidence.

+++ 

Q. What's the difference between light and hard? 

A. You can sleep with a light on. 

+++

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?

A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

+++

Q. If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with? 

+++

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love?

A. The swallow

+++

What's the best form of birth control after 40?

Nudity.

+++

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

+++

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

+++

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

+++

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your Mom.

+++

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

Say, "Nice Dick."

+++

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

+++

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

+++

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

+++

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

+++

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

+++

What was the first thing Adam said when he first saw Eve naked in the Garden of Eden?

"Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"

+++

Q. Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?