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Quotations
Mother Said: PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on he wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start leaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!" SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!" And finally... THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" ++++++ "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's - Steven Wright ++++++++++++ "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.I want to achieve it through not dying." -Woody Allen ------------------------------- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. –-Jackie Mason ++++ I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it
is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. Man was made at the end of the week's work when God -- Mark twain "I asked this guy if he had the time. He said he'd like to give -Carol Siskind - Martha Raye -Rita Rudner --Mary Ellen Kelly --James Michener "I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth." --- Monica Lewinsky ++++ "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
*** - Jay Leno "My wife made me join a bridge club. My first jump is "Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red
"I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured Brad Garrett George Carlin - Sam Ewing "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I "They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts "I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great Rodney Dangerfield Steven Wright Rodney Dangerfield -unknown "Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more Mom will clean up everything. Scientists have proven that a --- Jeff Foxworthy --- Phyllis Diller One thing you will probably remember well is anytime you ---Franklin P. Jones The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. ---Josef Stalin. ---Jay Leno "Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." - Fran Lebowitz ++++ The best index to a person's character is (a)
how he treats --Abigail Van Buren
-- Edward B. Butler Famous Last Words... ---Oscar Wilde ---Mark Twain --- Jay Leno --- Ross Perot ---George Bernard Shaw ---Max Kauffmann ---Margaret Thatcher ---Oscar Wilde "According to the 'New York Daily News', bars all across the --- Conan O' Brien "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best "The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal ---Ronald Reagan ---John Cleese on businessmen The lion and the calf shall lie down together, "I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same Drug Addiction, n. A popular method of dealing with day-to-day ---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary ---Billy Wilder "I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate "The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you ---Unknown ---Neil McElroy I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a ---Garry Shandling Genuine Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords... Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. 2. Any arsehole can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling! 3. The future is in your hands! 4. Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to shit and sink. But I come here to scratch my balls And read the bullshit on the walls. 5. Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters: 'I F**KED your mother!!!' Neatly printed in small calm blue letters: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.' 6. Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small printing... I had to lean WAY forward to read it...It said: 'You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!' 7. This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and it doesn't take shit from anyone. 8. Please do not throw cigarette buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy and hard to light. 9. Sign on condom vending machine: 'My dad says these don't work.' CONFUCIUS SAY ..... Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change. To prevent hangover stay drunk! Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone! Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk! Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night! It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand. +++++++++++++++++++++++ "Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
++++ Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell.
++++ "I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time ---Zsa Zsa Gabor ++++ "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73) ++++ I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber ++++ Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King ++++ A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling, "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee ++++ Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin ++++ You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell ++++ A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow ++++ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky ++++ My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck ++++ Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis ++++ A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't -Rhonda Hansome ++++ The phrase "working mother" is redundant -Jane Sellman ++++ Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited ++++ Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult . -Charlotte Whitton ++++ Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen ++++ I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited ++++ If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird ++++ When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley ++++ Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro ++++ Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally Forth ++++ I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. ---Ronald Reagan ---Abraham Lincoln "Seven years of college down the drain." --- John "Bluto" Blutarsky ++++ "Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" Unknown Jack Handey *** ---Hubert Humphrey +++ "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an "I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath
"Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory." -Abraham Lincoln **** I think men who have a pierced ear are better repared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner **** "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -Dorothy Parker ----- "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded." --Yogi Berra ----- Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts. --- Saki ---- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. --- Oscar Wilde -------- The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague. -- Bill Cosby I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. ---Adlai Stevenson, During the 1952 presidential campaign. ---Pat Robertson - speech at GOP Presidential Convention (1992) If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." -Winnie the Pooh **** "True friendship is like sound health; the value of t is seldom known until it be lost." -Charles Caleb Colton **** "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." **** Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus. ++++ "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen." **** "Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life." **** "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." ++++ "Friends are God's way of taking care of us." **** "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -Stone Temple Pilots **** -Dave Matthews Band **** ++++ "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say." "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere" - Tim McGraw
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz convertible. ---P.J.O'Rourke "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers." - Calvin Trillin *** "The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again." - George Miller ++++ "They have a Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now. You can call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers." - Tommy Blaze *** "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day he took me aside and left me there." - Ron Richards *** "Is this the party to whom I am speaking?" - Lily Tomlin as Ernestine the operator. ------ My insomnia is so bad, I can't even sleep on the job. ------ Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years. What's the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time? ---Sue Kolinsky --------- Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. ---Woody Allen ------ Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. ---Woody Allen ++++ "Last Spring my son and I planted tomatoes in our backyard. A few months later he was amazed they actually grew. He said we must have a 'Gardening Angel.'" - Robert G. Lee *** "Camping isn't what it used to be. 'Honey, I'm going to go get some firewood, do you have change for a twenty?'" - Nick Arnette *** "I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia." - Woody Allen ++++ When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ---Jack Handey ------ I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'. ---Steven Wright ------- I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ---George Carlin -------- A good listener is usually thinking about something else. ---Kin Hubbard ------------------------------------------------------------ Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. ---Karl Marx ++++ "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Unknown *** "Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in." - Evan Davis *** "It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan ++++ That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude. --Alexander Haig, (b. 1924) American politician ------ When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. ---Frederick Ryder ++++ "If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" - Alice Thomas Ellis - Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF
HOMER J. SIMPSON "My neighborhood is so dangerous, AOL won't even deliver email here." - Bill Jones "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of - Mark Russell - Bessie and Beulah "Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy
driving taxis and cutting hair." Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. ---R.E. Shay +++++++ Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them. +++ If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. +++ Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. +++ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. +++ Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. +++ A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. +++ Plagiarism saves time. +++ If at first you don't succeed, try management. +++ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. +++ TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. +++ The beatings will continue until morale improves. +++ Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. +++ We waste time, so you don't have to. +++ Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! +++ Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. +++ A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. +++ When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. +++ INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. +++ Succeed in spite of management. +++ Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest **** "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22, 2000 **** "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. **** "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti smoking campaign. **** "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ---Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward **** "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." ---Mayor Marion Barry, Washington **** "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." ---Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks **** "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. **** "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charlie De Gaulle **** "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas **** "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---President George W. Bush **** "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." ---General William Westmoreland **** "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --- Dan Quayle: ++++ "My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him." -Jack Handy ++++ "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second
day you're off it." ++++ "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again." ++++ "Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself." ++++ "I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood." -- George Carlin +++ -- Ernst Jan Plugge ++++ -- Abbie Hoffman ++++ -- Hunter S. Thompson ++++ "If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?" -- Dennis Miller ++++ -- Jack Handy "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" -- Jon Stewart ++++ -- Lily Tomlin "The world holds two classes of men – intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." -- Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri ++++ -- Red Buttons ++++ -- Zeke Forbes ++++ -- Mark Twain ++++ The following are ACTUAL answering machine messages in use by real people: Hi. Now you say something. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. ******************************
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