Real Stuff

Real Life Humor

Quotes by QuotesDaddy.com

Time Honored Truths Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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GOOD FACTS TO KNOW:

1. Budweiser beer conditions the hair

2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish

3. Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 minutes

4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair

5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any

6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea

7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water

8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste

9. Burn your tongue? Put Sugar on it!

10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too

11 Bee stings - Meat Tenderizer

12. Chigger bite - Preparation H

13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H

14. Paper cut - Crazy Glue or Chap Stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)

15. Stinky feet - Jello!

16. Athletes feet - Cornstarch

17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks Vapor Rub

18. Kool Aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)

19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!

20. Peanut Butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper

21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray

22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby

23. Peanut Butter will remove ink from the face of dolls

24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with Corn Starch and watch them slide on

25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the Vinegar!

26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!

27 Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak

28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of Club Soda and cup of Milk Of Magnesia , soak for 20 min. And let dry, will last for many years!

29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!

30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate Toothpaste

31. Wine stains, pour on the Morton Salt and watch it absorb into the salt.

32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.

33. Remove labels off glassware etc. Rub with Peanut Butter!

34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent Tablets , soak overnight!

35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate Toothpaste and brush it!

36.. Dirty grout - Listerine

37. Stains on clothes - Colgate Toothpaste

38. Grass stains - Karo Syrup

39. Grease Stains - Coca Cola , it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from car batteries!

40. Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24 hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.

41. To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox , or 2 Bayer Aspirin , or just use 7-Up instead of water.

42. When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you 'squeeze' for freshness or softness? Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are:

Monday = Blue
Tuesday = Green
Thursday = Red
Friday = White
Saturday = Yellow.

So if today was Thursday, you would want a Red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.

Don't forget Gatorade for Migraine Headaches. PowerAde won't work.

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Don't forget to check out the Firemen, Farmer, Redneck, Blondes, Politicians, and other fun jokes here at Riches2Surf!

Truths About Life, learned by young children...

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a breath mint.

9. Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - no matter how cute the underwear is.

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To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you're wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation. -- Clint Eastwood

If you rest, you rust. -- Helen Hayes

I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more. -- Cat Stevens

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. -- Flip Wilson

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. -- Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. -- George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. -- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I'm not in it, I go to work. -- A. E. Matthews (quoted in Filmgoer's Book of Quotes, 1973)

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. -- Joey Adams

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