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Redneck Humor
 
Also visit:
Southern Humor
You May Be a Redneck If...
SHORE SINES YORE TRAYLUR's HAINTED
1.A can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
2.Blood drips out of your simulated wood grain panelin.
3.The eyes on the velvet Elvis paintin jist seems to foller ya.
4.The room is spinnin, and yore no whurs neer drunk yet.
5.That car in yore frunt yord haint on blocks it's levitatin by hitself.
6.Yore dog, Bo, gits suckt into the TV set, and he's blockin yore view of WWE
rasslin'.
7.That mysterious scratchin below the floorboards?
The Telltale Raccoon.
8.The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
9.You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird"
plays on the radio.
10.The traylur is shakin, but there's no tornader
in sight.
11.Yore Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eyeholes
cut in em.
12.The ghost is completely invisible except for
the tobacco juice runnin down his chin.
13.Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."
14.There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib
no wait that's Jimmy.
15.You heer strange moanin but only during Shania Twain videos.
16.You're missin 4 PBR's, and the missus only drinks
Old Milwaukee.
17.The lights turn on and off even though you paid
the power bill.
18.You hear blood-curdling screams, but thuh nayburs
are both still in jail.
19.You get a mysterious phone call that says,
"I know what you did last NA$CAR race."
20.Instead of saying "boo" the ghost says
"BOO_Y'ALL"
21.The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin...
and he's peein on YOU!!
22.Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of
covered bridges on them.
23.The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your
own.
24.You get a creepy feelin' and it aint cus ol Richard Simmons is on TV.
25.You come home one day and it's clean.
+++++++++
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted
children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions
and conversations with friends and relatives proved no
help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and
ask the Big City Doctor.
The doctor let them look at a child's book about where
babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own
explanation but was met with blank stares.
Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and
showed them a porno movie. This was also useless.
Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch,
and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question.
How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''
++++++
50 Things You'll Never Hear From a Redneck
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate"
37. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
38. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
39. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
40. Do you think my gut is too big?
41. Honey, we don't need another dog.
42. Who cares who won the Civil War?
43. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
44. I've got it all on the C drive.
45. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
46. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
47. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
48. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
49. You All.
50. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
++++++++++++
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find
no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy"
++++++++++++++++
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky
hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in
my sink." and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
++++
Why did they raise the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
++++
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
A documentary.
++++
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma.If it was invented anywhere else it would
have been called a teethbrush.
+++++
A Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup
truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout What?"
++++
Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
++++
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock,
Arkansas burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
++++
What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40
++++
What does a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
++++
A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and
shouted, "Hurry over here, my house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, " How do we get there?
"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
++++++++
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in
groups of 18 or more?
Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
+++++++++
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone
out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you
pick her up there.
+++
Q: What is a 'monback'?
A: A Kentuckian on the back of a trash truck telling the
driver to back it up!
+++
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...
++++++++++
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.
+++++++++++
Words Found In A Redneck Dictionary
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck,
and I aint herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in
my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the
all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch,
Roll, and Y'all."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh
doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure
do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms
are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
(Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in
America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her
class' study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known
to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she showed her class the
movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the
Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of
course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ...
in fact, you could almost say that we have some
downright civil rats.)
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach
Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
WARSH - verb. To clean.
SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know
where its been!"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
JUICY - Contraction. A question.
GUFF - Noun. A deep chasm.
Usage: "Juicy the Guff of Mexico?"
MARKINS - Noun. Citizens of the United States.
Usage: "My fellow Markins..."
PROSS - Noun. The value or cost of an item.
Usage: "That there prom dress sho is purty, but it is
not worth the pross."
PARAMOUR - Noun. An automated device for cutting grass.
Usage: "What kinda deal you gonna make me on that paramour?"
RICE - Noun. A contest of speed.
Usage: "Y'all going out to Talledega to see the rice?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Three - one to eat the possum and two to watch for cars.
+++
Q: How do you know if a redneck is married?
A: There's chewing tobacco stains on both sides of the truck.
+++
Q: What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
+++
Q: Did you hear about the new 3 Million Dollar Redneck State Lottery?
A: The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.
+++
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.
After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there
was anything
he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge
Pickup,"
said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can
find, and buy
yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like
forever."
+++++++++++++++
A boy in the fourth grade comes home and tells his father that
his class can count to one hundred, but he can only count to
ten. He asked his father why is that?
His father said, "It's because you come from Alabama son."
The next day he comes home from school and he tells his
father that his class can recite the alphabet, but he can only
go up to the letter L. He asked his father why is that?
His father said, "It's because you come from Alabama son."
The following day he comes home from school and he
looks for his father. "Dad! Dad! My class was at gym and
all of the boy's in his class had small penises and I had
a huge penis. Is that because we come from Alabama dad?"
The father said, "No son, it's because your 28 years old."
++++++++++
"Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks"
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you are certain you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
+++++++
One day a redneck and his wife living in Alabama decided
that after having their eleventh child, they couldn’t afford
a larger doublewide trailer so the husband needed to have
a vasectomy.
He went to the town doctor and he told the redneck to
light a cherry bomb, place it in a beer bottle and to place
it next to his ear and count to ten.
The redneck thinks they doctor is crazy so he goes to
Georgia to ask a doctor there. He gets to Georgia and
the doctor begins to explain the process until he found
out he was from Alabama and then proceeded to tell
him the same thing.
The Redneck figures they both cant be wrong.
He goes home, lights a cherry bomb and places it in
a beer can. He hold it up to his ear and begins to count
on one hand, 1...2...3...4...5...,
he pauses and places it between his legs while he
begins to count on the other hand, 6...7...
===============
The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US
auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto
makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive
pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash. They were surprised to find in 45 of
the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent
of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas
and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of
the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
--------------------------
Maw is outside hangin` up the laundry, when she hears Paw in
the kitchen. Maw walks in and says,
"Paw, git out here `n fix that there outhouse. "
Paw says, ´All right Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says,
"Maw there ain`t nothin` wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says,
"Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole!
Paw says,
“I ain`t puttin` my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you`re gonna`haf ta`if you`re
gonna`fix the problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind
ya) and he hollers,
"Maw there ain`t nothin` wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head outta`the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says,
"Owww! OWW! Maw! Maw, my beards` stuck in
the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin` ain`t it?
-----------------------
The hillbilly woman went to the hospital to have her
first child. A year later she was back for a second
child. The next year, almost like clockwork, she was
back for her third child. The hospital staff
naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year - she didn't show, and the staff
wondered what happened...A couple of years later she
shows up, but she's not pregnant. The hospital staff
wondered what happened - did her husband die, or what?
When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby
the past couple of years, she replied "No, no more.
Found out what was causin' it."
===============
One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town
with nothing on but his boots. The sheriff asks,
"Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking
around town like that?"
Billy Bob replies,
"Well, Sheriff, me and Mary Lou was down on the
farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary Lou said we
should go in the barn. Well, when we got inside the barn
we started a-kissin' and a-feelin' and things got pretty
hot and heavy. Then Mary Lou took off all her clothes
and said that I should do the same.
"Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then
Mary Lou stretched out on the hay and said, 'OK, Billy
Bob, let's go to town!' . . .
I guess I'm the first one here."
==============
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the
road drinking a couple of bottles of beer, celebrating
a good day of fishing. The passenger, Bubba, said,
"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin, peel off the label and stick it on
our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch!"
=======================================
A good ole boy walks up to a good ole
girl and says
"Howdy. How you like to come up to my
place and have a little fun?"
"Well, I've heard about you good ole
boys. Where exactly are you from?"
"I'm from Kentucky, way up in the hills."
"Oh, I've heard about you guys from
Kentucky," she said, "you guys will
screw pigs and goats and cows and
chickens..."
He interrupts in a very indignant tone,
"CHICKENS?!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Two rednecks get married, and they have a beautiful wedding.
Hog calling, square dancing... the works.
After the ceremony, they drive off in his pick-up truck for
their honeymoon at Motel 6. Around 11 pm, he shows up at his
parents house, grabs a beer and sits down to watch "wraslin"
on TV.
His father says to him "Boy, what 'ere you doin here, aint you
s'pose to be with your lady?" He replies, "Paw, I caint be with
her, she's a vargin." So his father tells him, "Boy, whatsamater
wit you, don't you know thems the best kind?"
The redneck says, "But paw, if she aint even good'nuff for her
own family, she caint be good'nuff for ours!"
--------------------------------------------
A young ventriloquist is touring in the Southeast and stops to
entertain in a bar in Alabama. He's going through his usual
stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience
stands and says threateningly,
"I've heard just about enough of your smartass hillbilly jokes—
we ain't all stupid here in Alabama!!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big
guy interrupts him and says,
"You stay out of this mister--I'm talking to the smartass little
fella on your knee!"
+++++++++++
Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.
Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it
to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he
gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the
edge--into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she
ever seen!
" Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes
careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops."
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
-------------------------
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and
retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously
young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once
at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled
and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that
showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were
wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here,
'The three wise man came from afar.'"
==========
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they
decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five
tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won
a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti
sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet
brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the
neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how
he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
This guy comes home from work and finds his
girlfriend, waiting for him in the doorway.....
The guy is amazed, to say the least. He says,
" What's going on ? What happened?"
She replies, "I'm leaving you ".......
"What did I do? Everything was fine this morning
when I left for work."
"Well," says the girlfriend, "I heard that you were
a pedophile."
The boyfriend replies, "Pedophile?, .....Say, that's
an awwwwwfully big word for a ten year old........"
<><><><><><><><>><><>
 
An Auburn, Tennessee and a Alabama student were all having
lunch together on a bridge outside Birmingham. The Auburn
student opens his lunch box and says, "A hot dog again! If I
have to eat one more hot dog I'm going to jump off this bridge!"
The Tennessee student then opens his lunch box and exclaims,
"Salad again! IfI have to eat salad one more time I'm going to
jump too!"
Lastly the Bama student opens his lunch box and complains,
"Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one
more time I'm going to end it all too!"
The next day the Auburn student finds another hot dog and
jumps... the Tennessee student got salad again and threw
himself off the bridge too... finally the Bama student finds
peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Auburn
mother cries,
"If I had only known he didn't like hot dogs,"
and the Tennessee mother cried,
"I thought salad was good for him."
The Bama mother then exclaimed,
"I don't understand... he fixed his own lunch!"
====================
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in
the woods. All of the sudden one of the Indians
ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into
the cave and then he listened very closely until he
heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other
Indian what that was all about, Was the other
Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during
mating season when Indian men see cave,
they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian
ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped,
and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then he came upon a
reat big cave. As he looked in amazement at
the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It
is bigger than those the Indians found. There
must be some really big, fine women in this
cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered
with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo!
Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation,
and then he heard the answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his
face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his
clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local
Newspaper read.....
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why wasn't Christ born in West Virginia?
Because God couldn't find three wise men
and a virgin.
+++++++++++
 
Bubba McCoy's Etiquette Tips For Rednecks
1. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social
no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's
jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
4. When dating a woman of the opposite sex,
be aggressive. Let her know you're interested.
Tell her, "I've been wanting to go out with you
since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall
two years ago."
5. If you're every lucky enough to marry your
cousin, the groom should at least rent a tux.
A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean
bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
6. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...
no matter how good his manners are.
--------------------------------------------
A redneck goes out hunting with his friend and
his dog. This is the smartest hunting dog in the
world.
"Yea right" states the redneck.
"I will show you," said the friend, as he pointed
to a bush and the dog went in.
After he comes out, he paws the ground.
"What does that mean" replied the redneck.
"Well that means that there is one bird in there.
"Prove it" says the redneck.
As both hunters go towards the bush, one bird
flies and is shot dead.
"Your just lucky" states the redneck.
"OK" states the friend so he points to another bush.
The dog goes in and comes out and paws the
ground three x's.
"I suppose that three birds are in that one"
states the redneck.
As the hunters approach the bush, three birds
fly out and are shot.
By now the redneck is impressed and bought
the dog for a large amount of money. A few
weeks go by and the redneck is always
bragging to his friends about the dog. Sure
enough he takes them hunting. He points the
dog to a bush and the dog goes in and comes
out 5 minutes later.
As he does, he has a stick between his rear legs
and started humping it. At this point his friends
start to laugh and make fun of him.
In a fit of rage, he grabs the dog and brings it
back to the guy whom he bought it from. As
the redneck explained to him what happened,
he said "so what".
As the redneck is blowing his top, his friend
says "don't you know what the dog was trying
to say".
"What?" states the redneck.
He was trying to say that "there where so many
birds in that bush, that you could beat
them with a stick!"
--------------------------------------------
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your
Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else
Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John
Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From
Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're
Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
And my all time favorite:
* I'm So Horny It's Almost Like Having You Here.
------------------------------------------------------------
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree,
was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind
lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman
snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two tourists driving through Louisiana were approaching the
town of Natchitoches when they began arguing about the
pronunciation of that town. Their argument continued as
they stopped for lunch.
Standing at the counter, one tourist decided to resolve the
issue by asking the employee.
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce the name of where we are?
Slowly, please?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrr, grrrrrrrr, Kiiiinng."
---------------------------------------------------------
How do you spot a redneck at Sea World?
He's the one with the fishing pole.
+++++++
Redneck tips:
GOING OUT:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners
are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in
private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if
you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING: (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two
years ago."
3. Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always
has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
++++++++
Dear Dr. Verne:
I am in the process of having a tattoo removed from my most womanly bod.
Being of good redneck breeding that I is, I's worried about affectin' my good
standing.
I can offer you no better reason than my old man don't like me having my ex-old
man's
name on me, so I is getting rid of it.
Verne, please tell me straight: Am I getting woosified? Or should I replace the
tattoo with his name? - Worried in Des Moines
Dear Worried:
It all depends on which kinda tattoo you got. Now if you got the ex's name
with
the old rose on the ankle or the heart on the boob, I'd lose the damn
thing.
Ever since them sorority chicks named Tiffany started doing it, guys
might
figure you's an inferior yuppie babe which talks in that high chipmunk
voice and
you'll never get to growing your butt out to a decent size.
But if you got one of them giant serpents that covers your back, that's
class. I'd keep that baby and just cross out the ex's name with some
spray paint
and write the new guy in.
Now to take what you call your precautionary measures, I'd probably get
your
future tattoos with more commoner names, like Bob or John.
If you ain't shacked
up with no guy named Bob or John now, chances
are you's gonna be in the future.
This is what business guys call your
strategic planning.
But say you happen to be a man who got this same problem. Good tattoos
for guys
is the old Semper Fi, the anchor, "MOM," skull-and-crossbones or
the phone
number of your bail bondsman across your knuckles.
Stuff that ain't manly, and could damn well be classified as candy-assed,
is the
Superman logo, frat boy initials, cartoon guys, insects like
butterflies that
don't even bite nothing, and that damned barbed wire,
which is usually weared by
guys who bought their pipes at the fruity
health club, instead of lifting
railroad ties and eating meat.
Now if you's a guy who tattooed "Cindy" on his chest, but the new
old lady
Rhonda ain't cooking no more pot pies till you get her fixed,
I'd just pour gas
on your chest and light her up with an arc welder.
Girly guys might get some of what doctors call your discomfort,
which is French
for "Holy $#%^ that hurts!" But at least you'll be
getting clean space to get a
dragon that looks just like Rhonda.
Plus you could tell chicks in bars you got
them scars saving babies
from burning apartments. Chicks always go for guys who
got burned
up saving babies.
Dr Verne.
++++++++++++++
Two rednecks are walkin down the street and one's carrying a bag so
The other guy says "What ya got in the bag Tom?"
He says just some chickens.
Then the other guy says says" If I can guess how many that are in their
Would a give me one?"
Then Tom says "Well shoot if u guess right I'll give ya both of um."
Then the other guy says "Um, Five?"
++++++++++++++++=
Two old moonshiners were sitting on the front porch when
they heard a noise. From down the road came a motorcycle.
One old man picked up his shotgun and fired at it.
"What was that, Clem?"
"I don't know, Luke, but I made it drop that man!"
+++++++
Two good ole Southern boys were having the blue plate
special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful
choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few
stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum
burger too fast.
The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"
"I reckon," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up
and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?"
She shook her head no.
"Kin yew talk?" he asked.
She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted her skirt, and
licked her on the butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and
began to breathe, with great relief.
The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said,
"Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
++++++++++
What do you get when you play country western music backwards?
Well, you get back yer wife, yer dog, yer truck, yer ........
++++++++
Redneck Census Form - Part I
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Light Brown
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Other (Specify________________ )
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
++++++++++++++
Redneck Holidays
January 1- New Year's Day
Bring in the New Year with black-eyed peas and ham hocks. Eating
black-eyed peas brings money and good luck. The ham hocks just make 'em taste
better!
January 28 - Super Bowl
Southerners love their football! College football is preferred, but
it is possible to get worked up for the Super Bowl with enough beer and a
Southern team in contention.
February 2 - Groundhog Day
Target Practice Day - We don't mess around with ground hogs or other varmints.
February 12 - Lincoln's Birthday
Southerners don't celebrate this one. He was born in Kentucky, but
Later turned Yankee.
February 14 - Valentine Day
Don't forget to go by the drugstore and get your honey a heart-shaped box of
candy with a plastic flower on top to let her know how much you think of her.
February 22 - Washington's Birthday
Another Dead President's Day. He was officially Southern, but not a
good ol' boy. Those ruffles and wigs ain't country...
March 17 - St. Patrick's Day
Many Southerners are Scotch Irish. Those who are not claim to be and
Have another good excuse to drink beer.
April 15 - Easter
Easter Bunny Day - Everyone should get "slicked up" and go
church at least once a year whether they need to or not.
May 13 - Mother's Day
Be sure to call your mama or get her a card to thank her for birthin'
you.
May 28 - Memorial Day
First holiday weekend of summer - Good time to take the boat and go to the lake.
June 17 - Father's Day
Get Pop some Red Man chewin' tobacco.
July 4 - Independence Day
Beer and firecrackers - Careful with the latter if you've had too
much of the former.
September 3 - Labor Day
Last weekend of summer - Another good time to take the boat and go to The lake.
October 8- Columbus Day
Last holiday to go fishing before cold weather.
October 31 - Halloween
Tradition is to play pranks and turn over the outhouse.
Unfortunately, there are not many outhouses left these days, and this
time-honored tradition is mostly a nostalgic memory.
November 11 - Veteran's Day
Drink beer and watch a patriotic movie on television to show
Appreciation for veterans.
November 22 - Thanksgiving
Good day to take out the dogs and pickup truck and go rabbit hunting.
December 25 - Christmas
Get in the spirit by decorating the house with flashing lights inside
And out. Make fruit cake and soak it in whiskey. Put up a pine tree and Decorate
it. Wrap up the presents from Wal-Mart. Light fire in fireplace. (Important:
Remember to open damper first this year.) Celebrate early and try to get rid of
the visiting relatives before they get drunk on fruitcake.
December 31 - New Year's Eve
Drink and shoot fireworks. If you don't have any fireworks, just
shoot the shotgun in the air at midnight
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Dear
Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Billie Joe and Brother Bubba
that this heer
Uncle Sam's Army beats working for old man Cutshaw
by a mile! Tell them to join
up quick befour all the places are filled.
I was a bit restless at first cause you git to stay in bed till neerly five
thirty a.m., but I am gitting now so I like to sleep late. Tell Billie Joe
and
Bubba that alls you have to do befour breakfast is smooth out
your cot and shine
a cupla things -- no hogs to slop, no pitchin the
feed, no mash to mix, no wood needin splittin, an no fire to lay!
Practically nuthin. You do got to shave, but
it aint too bad in warm
water. An oh yah, you can go to the privie without goin
outside!
Breakfast is strong on fancy fixins like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, and
so on, but kind of week on chops, sawsage, beef,
ham stakes, fried eggplant, biscuts, gravey, okra, pie an reguler
food. But tell B.J. an Bubba you can
always sit yourselfs between
two yankee city boys that live on coffee. Thier
food and yours
holds you till almost noon when you git fed again.
It's no wunder these yankee city boys cain't walk much. we go
on these heer
'route marches', witch the sargent says are long
walks to hardin us up! Well if
he thinks so, I aint a tellin him
no diffrence. One of these 'route marches' is
about as far as
it is to the malebox at home !!! Then the yankee guys all get
sore feets an we ride back in trucks. Now aint that sumthin!
The country heer is nice, but some godawful flat.
The sargent is like a skoolteacher. He nags some. The captan
is like the
skoolboard. The Colnels an genrals jus ride round
and frown alot They dont
bother you none.
This will kill B.J. an Bubba with laffing! I keep gittin medals
for shootin. I
dunno why. The bulls eye is as big as a possum
an dont move! An it aint shootin
back at you like the McCoy
boys back at home. All you got to do is lay there all
comfortable and hit it! You dont even have to make your
own bullets. They comes
in boxes. Whadya think of that?
Be sure to tell Billie Joe an Bubba to hurry up an join befour
other fellas git
onto this setup and cum stampeeding in.
Your luving son,
Zeb (X)
p.s. Speakin of shootin, inclosed is $200 for the barn roof
an Ma's teeth. The yankee boys shoot craps, but not veery good. - Z
+++++++
Alabama Professional Engineering (APE) Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard? A.66 Ford
Fairlane: B. 69 Chevrolet Chevelle: C.64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity
of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators
are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700
rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be
harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in
size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in
the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1
inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of Beckley and 3.7 acres of
land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man
has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile
home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of
secondary roads, what are the chances that it will
strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A
gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How
many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during
the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town that has been
bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western
singer?
+++++++
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Louisiana
Special Forces.
Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent
in with the following information:
1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music
5. Some are queer.
That should just about do it. Don't you think?
+++++++
Two Rednecks rob a Brink's Armored truck and all they get away with are two
sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the
other, "What did you find in your sack?"
"Half a million bucks."
"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with all that cash?"
"I bought a house and a boat. How about your sack?"
"Bah... mine was full o' bills"
"And what did you do with them?"
"Eh well . . . little by little, I'm paying them off . . ."
<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>
Q: What do you have when you have 32 Rednecks in the same
room?
A: A full set of teeth!
++++
An Alabama Love Story ...
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother.
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still."
You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey child, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"
+++++++++
Subject: Terrifying News From Louisiana
As if we're not in enough danger, security agencies are now reporting
the following:
Apparently, a small number of the terrorists became romantically
involved with the locals in a few Louisiana and Texas communities
before Sept. 11. The result was not pretty, and we now have the
sad task of reporting a new sector of the human race: ISLAMABUBBAS.
So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, and
we are hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, we
have identified the following: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba ---
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boutit Bubba --- Mohammed Forrest
Gumpa Bubba --- Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba --- Bobbie Joe Bubba ----
AND ---- Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat Bubba.
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy Bubba and Yomamma Bin Lovin.
Please keep your eyes open and contact local authorities
IMMEDIATELY if you see any of these folks.
+++++++
When a young redneck was asked what he was doing
picking up a dead possum from the road answered,
"This way I only have to carry one bag to school........
for lunch AND Show and Tell.
++++++
Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had
been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come.
So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,
"Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! Aint dat grand!!"
Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got
You a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too...."
Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on,
We still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
"Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"
When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with
his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we
ran out of Vaseline and
we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"
She said, "Yeah, I do."
Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!!"
++++++
Two men were being held hostage and were going to be shot.
One of them was a
country music lover and the other enjoyed
heavy metal. Their captors granted
them one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to
'Achy Breaky Heart',
one last time."
The other guy says, "Please, shoot me first."
+++
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went
to his wife's
cousin, the veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have
any more children
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix
the problem but that it was expensive A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man in the world,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in
a beer can next to my ear is going
to help me
"Trust me," said the doctor
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can He held the can
up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand !!!!!
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia
++++++++++
Q: What did the sign at the Hillbilly movie theater say?
A: Children under thirteen not admitted unless accompanied by their husbands.
+++
Q: What do bears and Rednecks have in common?
A: They both lick their paws (pa's)!
+++
Q: Why does it take seven people to give a redneck a bath?
A: Three to hold him down, and four to spit on him.
+++
Q: What do Rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They do chicken right!
+++
The Redneck Love Poem
Collards are green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in may.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth
for which I am proud.
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete.
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me "n" you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for a Valentine's Day,
they git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
for the cooler at Krogers,
that's impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever",
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds....
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!!
+++++++++
 
The bartender was washing his glasses at the local pub, when an
elderly
Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman
hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down
the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The
bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus
an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched
back, who moved
very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool
and asked for a glass of Chianti. He
also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the
bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti,
too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered
into the bar and
hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one!
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeeper nodded,
so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come
back to his leg, so he got
up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he
raised his hands above his head and did
a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped
back and exclaimed,
Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
++++++++++
A hillbilly's old wife sent him to town to get something to rid
the place of moths that had troubled them. The druggist sold
him a box of mothballs.
Months later, the hill man came into the drugstore, complaining
that "them
mothballs wouldn't work nohow, noway. Marthy
and me we aimed carefully,
too. But we ain't hit a single moth!
Maybe you got a bigger size, like one of them pool table balls.
~~~~~~~~~
Zeke and Zeb, a couple of good 'ol boys from the righteous South,
decided to
build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico,
to see if it would make
them some money. After they got it set up,
they noticed that the crowds gathered
around but nobody was
buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so
they get the idea."
After Zeb was strapped in, he jumped and fell almost to the ground
before
springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his
cloths were torn and
wondered what that was all about. Zeb went
down again and this time when he came back up, Zeke noticed
that he was bleeding.
Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time, and this time when he came
back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts
all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata?"
++++++++
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin,' cept the lice on muh back
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there
The children were sleepin,' all snug in their beds
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops
The veins on his face looked ready to pop
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size
When the presents were gone and he had no more
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!
YEE HAWWWW!"
+++++++
Two redneck farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying
one dollar a
piece for them.
Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME
price ($1) they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the
end of the
day, they realize they ended up with no more money than
they started with.
"See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."
+++++++++
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage
son was
about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move,
he asked, "What's
that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he
won't know a
thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
++++++++
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb,
a fellow
passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since
I got myself a paramour."
The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"
"Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."
+++++++++++++++
Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was
our conversation:
"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here.
Why don't
you come on over and join us?"
I replied, "Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here."
"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.
"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.
"Well hell.. bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"
+++++++++++++
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late
one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave,
God bless his
soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith.
It says here that he
was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he
was 145 years
old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,
and
exclaims,
"Miles, from Georgia."
+++++++++
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree,
was walking
down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled.
The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
+++++++++
The greatest Country-Western song titles of all time!
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
Breaking My
Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
I'm So Horny It's Almost Like Having You Here.
++++++
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative
in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met
a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation
with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his
grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and Shouted,
"WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?!!!"
vvvvvvvvvvvvv
Did you hear that they can't teach driver's education and sex education
on the same day in West Virginia?
Yeah, it's too hard on the donkey.
+++++++
Q: What did the sign at the Hillbilly movie theater say?
A: Children under thirteen not admitted unless accompanied by their
husbands.
***************
 
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
+++++++
I suppose anyone can be misunderstood, but golly! A couple of West Virginia hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead; what can I do?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence then a shot is heard. The hunter says, "OK, now what?
+++++++++
The new Hillbilly quarter: two dimes and a nickel held together with duct tape.
++++++++ An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? "Ten boys." "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I calls him by his last name." ++++++++++ Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man. "This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery." He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May." Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning." "Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?" "Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken." +++++++++
REDNECK COLLEGE HUMOR:
(1) What does the average Mississippi State player get
on his SATs?
-----Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas
cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm
room?
-----Grease her hips and push like heck.
(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.
(5) Why do the Alabama cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
(6) Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of a Florida State football player's life?
-----His freshman year.
(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
-----None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky . . . He knew that the police would never look
there
for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )
(10) Why did Clemson choose orange as their team color?
-----You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and
picking up
trash along the highways the
rest of the week.
+++++++++
TOP COUNTRY SONGS OF 2002
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And The No. 1 Favorite Country Song Is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
~~~~~
The revenue man stopped the little hillbilly boy. "Son," he said,
"I'll give you
a dollar if you take me to see
your father."
"I'll take you," agreed the little boy. "But you'll have to give me the dollar
first."
"No," insisted the revenuer. "When I get back I'll give it to you."
"Look, mister," said the kid. "If I take you to my old man's moonshine
still you ain't comin' back."
=============================================
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in
life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and
logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a John Deere tractor?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a farm," replied the
professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a farm,
you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Her name's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
(Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard
of.
I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway
where Cooter is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" Cooter asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a John-Deere tractor?" asks Bubba.
"No" says Cooter.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
++++++++
A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking
along
wearing only one shoe.
The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."
++++++++
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from
Texas) were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared
mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my
first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my
husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a
crap' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"
+++++++++++
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey y'all... Watch this!"
++++++++
Dear Billy Joe Bob,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read
in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes
of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes
in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your
father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out
what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men
tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We
had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam
to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they
drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Betty Jo
++++++++++
Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away
listening to Reverend Ike on the radio.
The Rev said, "Place your left hand on the part of your body
you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say,
"I Believe, I Believe!!" and you shall be healed."
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired
old heart and lungs and raised her right hand in the air and
shouted, "I Believe, I Believe!!!!!"
Meanwhile Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of
lunatic until Ma started breathing nice and easy without her
old wheeze, and started rocking twice as fast as before and
a wonderful color came back into her cheeks!
Pa shrugged his shoulders, shoved his left hand down the
front of his pants, started to raise his right hand in the air,
when Ma said
"Pa, the Reverend said, 'Heal', not raise the dead."
++++++++++++++
TOP REDNECK COUNTRY SONGS OF ALL TIME
How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
+++
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
+++
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
+++
I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't
Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
+++
I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
+++
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
+++
I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
+++
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
+++
Please Bypass this Heart?
+++
Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
+++
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
+++
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
+++
You Gave Me Warm Fuzzies....Now I'm on Penicillin!
+++
She's A Lookin' Better After Every Beer
++++++++++++
A new law recently passed in North Carolina
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
++++++++++
The following Redneck Humor is definitely R-rated.
You have been warned!
R-rated Redneck Humor:
This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?"
"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"
+++++++++=
An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandniece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi says
here that she's got herself a job in a . . . a . . . a . . well, it must be a *message* parlour."
"I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbours and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?"
"Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me, Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!"
****************
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here... where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!
+++++++++++
HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . .. . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . .. .Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: ... Nice Tits
++++++++++
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the shit.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air
conditioner."
2nd Hillbilly: "why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"
*************
A hick from Alabama was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked
the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself
a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out,
he runs home to his wife.
At home his wife is in bed, naked and ready. As the two
begin, they find themselves passionately locked in the 69
position. The hick from Alabama, moments later, feels the
sudden urge to cum and fires the starter pistol.
The next day, he went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?"
The hick from Alabama answered, "Not that well. When I fired
the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my
dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands
in the air!"
++++++++++
Two wannabe studs from Oklahoma, Bubba and Jethro, go to
Cape Cod. Once they arrive, they immediately hit the beach
scene to see if they can try their luck attracting some of
the local babes.
The two get into their spandex bathing suits and begin to
troll the beach, strutting their stuff. Bubba is an immediate
hit with the women, practically fighting them off, while Jethro
tags along behind, wondering why no one is noticing him.
That night, back at the Beachcomber Hotel, Jethro asks Bubba,
"Hey, I don't get it, we both have the same bathing suits, yet
you are like a chick magnet and no one is even giving me a
second glance."
Bubba replies "Ok, here's my secret. Go out to the produce
stand and get the biggest baking potato you can find and slip
down your bathing suit tomorrow before we hit the beach and
you'll have them begging at your feet.
At this, Jethro goes to the store, eyeing the potatoes like
his life depended on it. He finds just the right size.
With great anticipation, the two hit the beach the next day.
Once again, Bubba is attracting the women like flies, but
they are all pointing and laughing at poor Jethro.
That night at the hotel, Jethro is at his wits end and ready
to give up. He turns to Bubba and says, "Bubba, I guess I just
don't have what it takes. These women around here just laugh
at me and point, like I was some kind of freak."
Bubba turns to him and says, "Well Jethro, when we go to the
beach tomorrow, try putting the damned potato down the front
of your bathing suit this time."
+++++++++++
Q: How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
A: She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time,
and know what to spit and what to swallow.
+++
Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.
+++++++=
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I got a hot date tonight, an'
I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' dem rubbers gonna cost
me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay
on by emselves?"
*************
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden,
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When
Indian men see cave, they holler,"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the
opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was
thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in
this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in
anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
**************
A little girl from Alabama was watching her mother get dressed for work one day.
The mother took off her shirt
and the little girl saw her breasts and said, "Mommy, what are those?"
The mother replied, "They are titties."
The little girl then asked, "When will I get those?"
The mother said, "When you are about 14."
The mother then took off her pants and the girl saw her pubic hair and asked,
"Mommy, what's that?"
The mother answered, "These are pubic hairs."
The girl asked again, "How old will I be when I get those?"
The mother told her about 13.
So the girl walks off and goes to her step-dad. He is getting dressed for work
and he pulls off his pants and the little
girl sees his penis and she asks, "BillyJoe-JimBob what's that?"
He said, "Well that's a dick." She then asked, "How old will I be when I get one
of those?"
He told her, "In about 5 minutes when your mother leaves!"
+++++++++++
Two Hillbilly's are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure
if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one
ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says
'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
**************
Q. What is the definition of redneck foreplay?
A. Git in the truck, bitch.
*****************
Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go
to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of
beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving
he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern
hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou
screwing right on the kitchen floor.
Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"
She replies, "You told me to show Jim my best southern
hospitality."
Bubba then says, "Gee whiz girl, arch your back, poor Jim's
balls are on the cold floor."
++++++++
Two friends, Jethro and Vera Lynn, were sitting on a park bench
when Vera Lynn turned 'round to Jethro and said, "You done shit
yerself!!"
"No, I ain't!" says Jethro.
Vera Lynn says, "Yes, you has! Yes, you has!"
This went on for quite a while with Vera Lynn saying "Yes, you
has!", and Jethro replying "No, I ain't!"
Then Vera Lynn says, "Stand up and drop yer trousers so's I
kin see!" Jethro does as he is told, and in between
his butt cheeks is a big old turd.
Vera Lynn says "I tol' you, I tol' you you'd shit yerself!"
To which Jethro replied rather indignantly, "No
I didn't...that was in them pants when I found 'em!"
++++++++++
Jed, a southern boy from Alabama decided that he was going
to join the Army. Finishing boot camp, Jed calls his Pappy
to let him know how everything was going. After a brief
conversation with Pappy, Jed tells Pappy that
he is now in the "Airborne Unit".
Pappy says, "What the hell is Airborne?"
Jed explains, "that's going up in an airplane and jumping
out with a parachute."
Then he proceeds to tell Pappy that just the day before he
called, he went up for his first jump.
"Well, how did it go?" Pappy asks. Jed told Pappy he wasn't
so scared until he got to the open door of the airplane. He
happened to be the last one and prior to him nobody had a
problem.
"Geez Pappy, when I got to the door, I froze! Then my Sgt.,
who is a 6'5", 280# black guy, tells me that if I don't jump,
he's going to fuck me right in the ass!"
"Well," his Pappy asked, "did you jump?" At that, Jed fires
back, "Well, a little at first!"
+++++++++++
An Italian, a Frenchman and a redneck were talking about
making love.
The Italian says, "When I've finished making love to my
girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her
knees, and she floats 6-inches above the bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing; when I've finished
making ze love to my girlfriend, I kiss all ze way down her
body and zen I lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and
she floats 12-inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The Redneck says, "That's nothing boys. When I've finished
doin' my old lady, I get out of bed, walk over to the
window and wipe my dick on the curtains. That's when she
hits the fucking roof!"
++++++++++
'Twas A Redneck Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.
When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"
+++++++++
A southern belle recently returned from a visit to California
and was discussing her encounters with a girlfriend.
"Did you know in California they have men that kiss men?" she
told her friend.
"Do tell! And what do they call them?" her friend asked.
"They call them gay," she replied. "And did you know they
have women that kiss women?"
"Oh, no!" exclaimed her friend. "What on earth do they call
them?"
The southern belle answered, "They call them lesbians! Not
only that, but they also have men that kiss women's pussies!"
"My Lord," her friend frightenedly replied! "What do they
call them?"
"Well," the belle cooed, "when I catched my breath, I called
him precious!"
+++++++++
Roses are red, or are they blue?
Hell I don't know but I do like you.
I love you more than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful to me than my old rusty pliers.
You cook a good deer and fry some good eggs,
just wish you'd shave that hair off yer legs.
If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.
Yer my pride and joys, What a lady!
But hows come we do it only when it's my payday?
When I ran over ya with my truck, you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute, wiping your boogers under the couch.
I hope we stay together, at least a couple more days-
cuz I'm really horney and I want to get laid.
++++++++++
Redneck Sexual IQ Test.
A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
Vagina is a medical term used to
describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False
A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
An orgasm is a person who
accompanies a church choir.
True or False
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
++++++++++
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going
to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One
particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking
better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to
the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around
the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy
the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman,
the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was
in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly
nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to
their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening:
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for
a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get
"those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered
in her ear...
"Would you mind terribly taking the dog for a walk?"
+++++++++
There once was a brother, Jimbo, and a sister, Tanya,
fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school
graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither
of them had a date for it. So one day, Tanya approaches
Jimbo and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, sis'."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom,
don't we?"
Jimbo nods. She continues, "So we should go with each
other."
Jimbo can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he
tells Tanya that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday
evening, he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has
a date, so Jimbo tells Tanya that he'll take her to the prom
on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. Jimbo is glad
that Tanya talked him into taking her. Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, Tanya comes up to him again.
"Hey, Jimbo, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that
nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay?
I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin.
So why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh ... all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by
and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have
had a good time.
In the car, with Jimbo at the wheel, Tanya looks over at him
and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious
look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agrees, and after
they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks
over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over
somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for
both of us. How long has it been since we've had a chance to
talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she
looks over at him again.
"Hey, why don't you kiss me?" she says.
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know
that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he
reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached
out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned
that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each
other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him
on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of
kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said Jimbo, but he had a good idea of what Tanya had
in mind. "You know what," Tanya replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my ... " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, Tanya murmured, "You know, you're a
lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said Jimbo. "Mom told me!"
++++++++
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper
who hired him was to write a human interest story.
Being from Arkansas, he decided to go into the back country
to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back
in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded
to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here
that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and
said, "Well, one time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost in
the woods. My buddies and me formed a posse and loaded up a
pick up truck with lots of whiskey and beer and searched for
days until we found it. Then, we all lined up and took turns
having our way with it, and then we took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think
of anything else that happened that made you happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Well, one time my
neighbor's wife got lost in the woods. My buddies and me
formed a posse and loaded up a pick up truck with lots of
whiskey and beer and searched for days until we found her.
Then, we all lined up and took turns having our way with her,
and then we took her back home."
Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either! OK,
let's try something else. Has anything ever happened around
here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After
a few seconds, he looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"Well, one time I got lost in the woods..."
++++++++
A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is
fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have
a glass of cider?"
"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."
So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and
again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not
wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and
again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a
glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again,
but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't
resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family
room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger
in the glass.
"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks.
"Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has
a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
+++++++++++
Truckers are a breed apart, and they have a language all
their own. Some colorful examples of big-rig lingo:
Strips of rubber tire on the road ahead, to be avoided: Alligators or gators
Police Car: Bear
Unmarked police car: Plain wrapper
A guy getting a speeding ticket: Customer
Semi with a big sleeper: Condo
Flatbed truck with a tarp: Covered wagon
Scale and/or weigh station: Chicken coop
Cars: Four-wheelers
Car-transport truck: Parking lot
Rest area: Pickle park
Snowplow salt trucks: Saltshakers
Bus: Stagecoach
Second trailer hauled by one semi tractor: Wiggle wagon
Ambulance: Meat wagon
And here's one I personally use a lot:
Car cutting me off: Stupid fucking asshole!!!!
+++++++
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE REDNECK WHO:
Spent four days in sears looking for wheels for his miscarriage
Took his expectant wife to the grocery store because they had free delivery
Looked in the lumber yard for the draft board
Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game
Put iodine on his paycheck because he got a cut in pay
Was so lazy he married a pregnant woman
Lost his girlfriend cause he couldn't remember where he laid her
Thought asphalt was a rectum problem
Called his girl "tapioca" because she could be made in a minute
Wouldn't go out with his wife because he heard she was married
Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period
Wore a union suit because his wife was having labor pains
Thought "no kidding" meant birth control
Thought peter pan was something to put under the bed
Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass
Smelled good only on the left side because he didn't know where to buy right
guard
Studied for five days to take a urine test
Thought a washer and dryer was a douche bag and a towel
Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease
Thought a mushroom was a place to neck
Went in the out house....put one leg in each hole and shit in his pants.
+++++++
Did you hear the joke about the hillbilly couple (Zeke and Emmy Lou) who got
married and had a new baby every year or less. After their 13th baby was born,
the couple told the Dr. that they were going to stop having babies as soon as
they figured out what was causing them.
The Dr. suggested to Zeke that he try covering the organ before they made love.
Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant again and the Dr. asked Zeke
if he tried covering his organ like he had suggested they do.
Zeke said, "We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did throw a blanket over the
piano."
++++++++++
The doctor at the local health clinic was admonishing the
redneck patient. "Until the penicillin cleans out your
infection, you are not to have no relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay,
but what about friends 'n neighbors?"
++++++++++
In a small town in Alabama, Big Bubba decides it's time for
his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life.
He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is
fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to
the madam and explains that it's time for his indoctrination
to sex.
The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over
the years, I'm going to see to this personally." So the madam
takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs where she
completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs, the madam says, "Since
this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full
treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the
main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam
smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me
the crabs, then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch
'em!"
+++++++++
Q: How do you separate an Alabama girl from her brother.
A: Kick her in the back of the neck.
+++
Q: Why do Alabama women have such a hard time taking a drivers
test.
A: Because every time the car stops, they jump into the back
seat.
+++
Q: What's considered bi-sexual in Alabama?
A: Someone who likes sheep and goats.
+++
Q. How do you circumsize a red neck?
A. You kick his sister in the jaw.
+++++++++++
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge,
he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give
me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped
the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty
slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we
lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass
for mah drink."
++++++++
Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl has cum running out of both
sides of her mouth?
A. The trailer is level!
++++++
Some drinking buddies decided to check out a new comedy
club one weekend, we got there and they were given the
table right up front.
About the 2nd or 3rd comedian was of, shall we say, the
northern persuasion. He went on and on about things down
here in the south, especially how we punctuate every
statement with "Fucking A".
Well, one of the more redneck of the buddies decided to
goad him a little and started say, "Fucking A" then B,
C, D, etc after each punch line.
When he reached about "Fucking J", the comedian turned
on him and asked, "What are you doing going through the
whole Fucking A-lphabet?"
On of the buddies spoke up and said in his most southern
accent, "NO, he is just working his way up to 'Fucking U'!"
+++++++
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes,
getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went
over to a table where a body was lying face down. He
removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he
found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was
fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise,
music began playing
"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road
again..."
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the
rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the
student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student
told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road
again..."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously
unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"
asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner,
"Any asshole can sing country music."
++++++++++++++
An 18 year old and his grandfather were out fishing out on
Beaver Lake in Arkansas one Sunday afternoon. The grandpa
turns to the boy and says, "Son, can you hand me a cold
beer out of the cooler behind you?"
The boy hands his grandpa a beer and asks if he can have one.
Grandpa says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No," replies the boy.
"Then you can't drink beer," says his grandpa.
A few minutes later, grandpa turns to his grandson and
says, "Son, can you get me a cigarette out of my jacket
pocket and light it for me?"
"Sure, grandpa," replies the boy, who then asks, "Can I have one, too?"
His grandpa says, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"No," he replies again.
"Then you can't have one," says his grandpa.
Later that day on the way home they stop for gas. The
grandson goes into the station and pays for the gas and
buys a lottery ticket. On the way out, he scratches his
ticket wins $1,000,000. His grandpa looks over at the
winning ticket and says, "Son, lets say you and I split
it 50/50."
The boy replies, "Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"
"Why yes it can," says his grandpa.
"Good, then go fuck yourself!" says the boy.
--------------------------------------------
Q: How do people in Kentucky celebrate Halloween?
A: Pump-kin!
------------------------------------------------------------
Buford goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've gotta help
me. I eat apples, apples come out. I eat bananas, bananas
come out."
The doctor says, "It's easy. Eat shit."
-------------------------
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came
down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law
School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred,
well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other
finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose
a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem
had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds
after the clock started he jumped up and recited
the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could
the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the
redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few
seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
+++++++++++++++++
While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man
discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal
correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an
old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a
really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local
farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm,
then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
Also visit:
Southern Humor
You May Be a Redneck If...
Git back to dem udder jokes and
stuff
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