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You May Be a Redneck If...
 
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You May be a Redneck if…..
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her
kids.
You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your
engines."
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
++++++
You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:
Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members knows how to play one.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five
guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.
The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with
his logo.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
~~~~~~
You know you are a redneck when your turn signal is your buddy
hanging out the window and motioning for cars to let them over.
+++++++
 
You could be a red-neck if...
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausages in her purse.
You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.
The only time you were ever in the dry cleaners was to get out of the rain.
You voted for more than one presidential candidate in the same election.
People are scared to touch your bathrobe.
Your cigarette lighter is your stove.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You wear your blaze-orange insulated suit to Sunday school.
The most fun you've ever had involved water balloons and a Ferris wheel.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
Your TV gets 512 channels but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You can pick objects off the floor with your toes.
Your son is named for your favorite pro wrestler.
Your daughter mistakenly thought you'd attend her wedding on opening day of deer
season.
You and your dog are on the same medication.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
The last thing your ex-wife said to you was, "If you go hunting again, I'm
leaving!"
You begin most sentences with "You ain't gonna believe this!"
Your deer lease costs more than your house.
You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.
Your brother had to cosign to get your deer mounted.
Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
You know your daddy's C.B. handle but not his real name.
The school principal has your number on speed dial.
Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.
You think fax is the opposite of fiction.
~~~~~~~~~
 
You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers
if.......
If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and
cinderblocks.
Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they
need bail money.
Ya've ever been too drunk to chat. Yer screen saver is
a confederate flag and plays dixie.
Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.
Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.
Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it
back! Give it Back'.
When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.
Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk.
Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
When ya tern yer computer on ya say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."
Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.
Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.
Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.
Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.
Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
Ya think MB stands for "More Beer."
Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.
Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint
in order.
Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.
Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.
Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous."
Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free."
Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.
Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.
Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on
the cartoons.
Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.
Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.
Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ
contact list.
Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.
Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, "My
momma."
You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.
Yer e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Ya connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
Ya bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a
laptop"
Ya laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and
Wesson"
Ya doubled the value of your truck by installing a Cellular phone.
Yer baseball cap read "DELL" instead of "CAT"
Yer computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Yer wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss
her
Ya start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy yall"
~~~~~~~~ 
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her
language.
You think a sub-division is part of a math problem.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your
underwear.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think "cur" is a breed of dog.
Your screen door has no screen.
You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
You have hubcaps on your house but none on your car.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
Your mother in law gave birth to you
If you call your teacher a "yungun"
If your church preaches the word of Willie Nelson
If you think redneck jokers otta be hanged
If HBO wasn't allowed to Document you because of FCC decency codes
If your wife can fart for over an hour nonstop
If every song you ever heard has the words "honkytonk" and "jukebox" in it
If you see intelligent people on Jerry Springer
If your cat is an Endangered species
If you thought The Lockhorns is your life story
If your sister is named "Billy-Sue"
If your wife has more hair on her legs than her head, but not as much as
is on your back
++++++++
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK CROSSDRESSER IF...
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license
plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker
that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off your
Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motor home.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.
- You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
--------- 
You May Be a Redneck If….
... you pee in the pool...off of the high dive!
...Your answering machine message begins, "If you're calling about the free
puppies..."
...Your kids take rabbit sandwiches in their school lunchboxes.
...In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store to buy a
bottle of Mr. Bubble.
...All the holes in your jeans came from buckshot and barbed wire fences.
...The recoil pad on your shotgun used to be the cup of your wife's bra.
...Your family reunion was held at a skating rink.
...Every time you rebuild your motor there are a few parts left over.
...You still subscribe to "The Saturday Evening Post".
...Bambi pickets your shack.
+++++++
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK PAGAN...
If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,
Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club...You may
be a redneck Pagan.
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade, or if
your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are
"Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it... ...You may
be a redneck Pagan.
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb... ...You may be
a redneck Pagan.
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",
Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on
the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,
Or if they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt
night...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...You may
be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis
Presley...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's
menu... Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch
Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your children and your dog have the same magical name
(Skeeter! Get on over here and cast this circle!)...You may be a
redneck Pagan.
If your cakes and ale consist of moon pies and a cold "Bud"...
Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it...You may be
a redneck Pagan!
If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick
and a 1-900 number...
Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to
the Indy 500.... You're probably a redneck Pagan!
If your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says
"Chevrolet" on it, Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is
made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out
in front of the supermarket...
You're probably a redneck Pagan.
If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal
name...
If you think charging is done with a Master Card...Or if your
Balefire says "Coleman" on it...You might be a redneck Pagan.
If your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're
NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up
on blocks, well then...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....
Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blindfolded with a
confederate flag and leg-wrestling...You may be a redneck Pagan.
If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party
and tickets to the Super bowl...
Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks... You're
probably a redneck Pagan!
If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at
"Hooter's", or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm
equipment...You are definitely a redneck Pagan!
And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer
because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf
Goddess, Or if you have EVER worked love magic on livestock&
...AND FAILED.........You are definitely a Redneck Pagan!
+++++++
 
You may be a redneck wheelchair user if:
Any part of your chair is painted camo.
+++
You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.
+++
You use deck plating, steel mesh, or motorcycle parts as decoration.
+++
You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries. Double
points if you don't care that it sucks your batteries dry so long as
the beer stays cold.
+++
You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they are a bitch to put on
and you can't walk anyway.
+++
You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.
+++
You installed a gun rack on back.
+++
Your joystick is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer tap, or
similar.
+++
You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.
+++
You have knobby mud tires- that never get dirty.
+++
You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or hog.
+++
You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!
+++
There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.
+++
You installed a CB behind or under your chair.
+++
You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.
+++
You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.
+++
You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.
+++
There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.
+++
You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery
compartment of the chair.
+++
You, while in your chair, ever made any road kill.
+++
The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than the chair does.
+++
You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your chair.
+++
You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.
+++
You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.
+++
The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever got
caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.
+++
You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they are going to
start making wheelchairs.
+++
You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice
from your chair.
+++
You have transported livestock in your chair. Bonus points if the
livestock was bigger or heavier than you!
+++
You thought about, even for a second, trying to outrun a highway patrol cruiser
while in your chair.
+++
Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.
+++
You really don't need a wheelchair in the first place, but you thought it might
help pick up chicks.
+++
You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "now that's
a good idea!"
++++++++++++
You'll Know Yours Is a Redneck Church If:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier
because none of the members knows how to play one.
+++
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were
bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
+++
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five
guys and two women stand up.
+++
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
+++
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because
"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
+++
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
+++
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
+++
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.
+++
Baptism is referred to as "branding."
+++
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
+++
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
+++
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
+++
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
+++
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
+++
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's
Barbecue.
+++
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
+++++++++++
You Know You’re A Redneck If...
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
+++
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
+++
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
+++
Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
+++
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
++++++
You know that you've joined a redneck HMO if....
The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
+++
Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you enter the
trailer park"
+++
The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles
+++
The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter
+++
The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy
+++
Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month
+++
Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"
+++
Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill
+++
The only 100% covered expense is embalming And the best one:
+++
Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tap
+++++++++++
 
You might be a redneck if.....
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
+++
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
+++
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
+++
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
+++
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
+++
You've been kicked out of the zoo for or heckling the monkeys.
+++
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
+++
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
+++
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
+++
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
+++
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
+++
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
+++
You have a rag for a gas cap.
+++
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
+++
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
+++
You can spit without opening your mouth.
+++
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
+++
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
+++
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
+++
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
+++
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
+++
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
+++
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
+++
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
+++
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
+++
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
+++
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
++++++++
 
You might be a redneck if…
…the ”nutcracker” is the jump you make off the high dive, not
the famous Christmas musical.
+++
…you bring a beer to a job interview.
+++
…you and your son graduate from the sixth grade in the
same year.
+++
…when the priest says at a wedding, ”both the father
of the bride and the groom, please step
forward,” and only one person steps forward.
+++
…if you wear your favorite “I work at Joe’s garage” t-shirt
at a formal gathering while everyone is dressed in style,
tuxedoes and long dresses.
+++
…you have to help your “rich” uncle with his new “mansion” and
have to take the wheels off it to set it on the ground of the new
upscale subdivision, er, trailer park.
+++
…as decorations for your front yard, you use old refrigerators
and ovens, coupled with some rusty old car parts.
+++
…when you are hosting a party, you know the guests are
arriving when you hear the roar of tractors in the distance.
+++
…you are so drunk at a party you end up making out in a bedroom with cousin
Bertha, who only weighs 400lbs., wearing a short skirt
with no underwear, so she could show off her “slender” features to every man in
sight, while your wife makes out with her sister’s husband in the backyard shed.
(this one may be real).
+++
…you end up killing the alarm clock, er, rooster when it
wakes you up in the morning, and have it for breakfast.
+++
…your computer password (do rednecks know how to use
computers?) is BUBBA, while the numeric keypad goes
only to six, and the alphabetic keypad goes only to G since
Bubba can’t read too fast. Therefore, files and programs
only have Budweiser, Marlboro, and Old Milwaukee options.
+++++++++
You Might Belong To A Redneck Synagogue If...
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys
and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get
out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite Kiddush wine.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
directory.
Bris is referred to as "branding."
There is a special fund raiser for a new temple septic tank.
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
+++
Your car alarm eats dog food.
+++
Your car burns more oil than gas.
+++
Your horse can count higher than you.
+++
Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard.
+++
Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.
+++
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
+++
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
+++
You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
+++
You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.
+++
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
+++
You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work.
+++
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
+++
You've ever stolen a bulldozer.
+++
You made a hot tub with a trolling motor.
+++
Your mother in law gave birth to you
+++
If your church preaches the word of Willie Nelson
+++
If you harassed Paula Jones and had sex with Monica Lewinsky
+++
If you think redneck jokers otta be hanged
+++
If your sister is named "Billy-Sue"
+++
If your wife has more hair on her legs than her head, but not as much
as is on your back
+++
You have your wedding reception at the waffle house
+++
You spit on your own floor.
+++
You had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.
+++
You have 3 first names.
+++
Your garbage man doesn't know what goes and what stays.
+++
How to Know if You're a Redneck Jedi
+++
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
+++
You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
+++
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
+++
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
+++
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
+++
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
+++
You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
+++
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
+++
You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really
good sheets.
+++
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
+++
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
+++
Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
+++
You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
+++
You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
+++
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
+++
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
+++
You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait
for a commercial.
+++
You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
+++
You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of
beer.
+++
Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a
hoot.''
+++
You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a
bar-b-que.
+++
You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance
spitting.
+++
More than half the droids you own don't function.
+++
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q.
+++
You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
+++
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot
while vacationing on Hoth.
+++
Your moonshine is made on the moon.
+++
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the
dip stored in your back pocket.
+++
Sand people back down from your mama.
+++
You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI.
+++
You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your
accent.
+++
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
+++
You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
+++
A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
+++
You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with
your lightsaber.
+++
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
+++
You've gone AT-AT tipping.
+++
Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.
+++
You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
+++
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
+++
You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father,
who also happens to be your brother.
+++++++
 
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Appearance
----------
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
You own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You have more than three shirts with cut off sleeves.
You've ever walked into a restaurant with a toothpick.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
Your biggest fashion risk is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H fair.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
Your consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid shirt, and
thermal underwear.
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and your left arm below the
shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
A sign that says "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Exxon and Conoco have offered your royalties for your hair.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You have grease under your toenails.
You May Be a Redneck If….
Education
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
lube rack.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had daycare.
If the fifth grad is referred to as "your senior year."
The theme song to your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places."
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was
flooded.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
 
You May Be a Redneck If….
Family
------
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your richest relative called you over to help take the wheels off his new house.
Your spent you family's grocery money, because you just had to have a set of
those Yosemite Sam mudflaps for your pickup truck.
Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan at least once.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Your mother keeps a spittoon on the ironing board.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you
looking at, shithead?"
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet "Ms. Right".
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if
you own them) and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for you mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need
to buy one gift.
Your gene pool doesn't have a deep end.
"Honey, are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is
what you hear right before you and the wife make love.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer ma calls ya over to help because she has a flat tire ... on her house.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get grandma a
new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to yer sweetheart because there's a law against it!
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell
Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toe Red Wings.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to
spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
 
You May Be a Redneck If….
Food & Drinks
-------------
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You've ever barbequed Spam on the grill.
You think beef jerky and moon pies are two of the major food groups.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia boss.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
You're a lite beer drinker because you start drinking when it gets light.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
House & Yard
------------
There is a stuffed possum mounted in your home.
Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You have a house that's mobile and seventeen cars in the front yard that aren't.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in the front yard.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can
lose them or not.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to move more than one old mattress out of your front yard to get your
new car up on its blocks.
Your can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
+++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
Vehicles
--------
Less than half the cars that you own run.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You use a rag as a gas cap.
You have a Hefty bag for the passenger-side window of your car.
You consider yourself to have a persoalized license plate, as your father made
it for you in prison.
You think 'Volvo' is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station.
Duct tape is an integral part of your car.
The rear tires on your car at at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put moonshine in the gas tank.
Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a car convertible top.
You just bought an 8-track player for your car.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
Your dog rides in the cab of your pickup and your wife rides in the back.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car ... on purpose.
You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it
has in it.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came
in."
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your
car.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance
restrictions.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
+++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
You've ever used lard in bed.
You consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You've refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was
snubbed for Best Picture.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've even been too drunk to fish.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
After making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You've ever been to a funeral where there are more pick-up trucks than cars.
Your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
Your idea of fiscal responsibility is having enough money to keep beer in the
fridge and gas in the truck.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
When asked for I.D., you show your belt buckle.
You've broken more than one tooth trying to open a bottle of beer.
You need only one more hole punched in your card to get a free tattoo.
You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy", "Hey",
or "How y'all doin'". (If they respond with the same, they're a redneck too.)
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You have started a petition to change the national anthem to "Georgia on my
Mind."
++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
You are still holding onto Confederate money because you think the South will
rise again.
Your participate in the "who can spit tobacco farthest" contest.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the mountain men in "Deliverance" were "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs
'round out yonder, back a Bubba's barn."
You'd rather catch bass than get some.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford blue, and Primer Gray are the three
primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's
honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby." Foreplay
consists of slipping off her saddle.
You celebrate groundhog day (because you believe in it.)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the
truck.
You May Be a Redneck If….
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's Ladies Night at the local bar.
You're always moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always Love You."
Dolly Parton reminds you of the Grand Tetons.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record
collection. (Your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it.)
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open Up: Police!"
In tough situations you ask yourself "What would Curly do?"
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your
engines," or "Play Ball!"
You bring your dog to work with you.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You call your boss "dude".
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet
paper.
++++++++
 
You know you might be a redneck dom if:
~your spreader bar says "Smith & Wesson" down the side.
~your bondage rope has axle grease stains.
~you named your dog the same name as your submissive,
so you could remember both of their names.
~your nipple clamps look suspiciously like the clamps for
your jumper cables.
~you can't suspend your sub from the ceiling because she
weighs more than the load capacity for your trailer.
~your sub accidently screams out the names of your brothers
Bubba, Billy, and Bobby before she remembers yours in a moment
of passion.
~you use the hood of the El Camino on blocks in your front
yard as a bondage table.
~you require you submissive to wipe the rim of your Budweiser
bottle with her sleeve before she kisses it to serve you.
~you fix the squeaking headboard with duct tape
~you can only give 10 swats at a time because you want to count
the strokes and don't want to take your work boots off.
~your submissive makes a dentist appointment and you're afraid
it might mean she is looking for a new dom.
~you decide to surprise your submissive with an extra special
location for her collaring, so you take her to Graceland.
~you accidentally get your submissive with your belt buckle during
a whipping, and it leaves a Budweiser logo imprint on her ass.
+++++++++
 
Your Starship Captain Might Be A Redneck If...
~ Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
~ He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
~ You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob."
~ He refers to Klingons as "Critters."
~ He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns."
~ He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and
aluminum foil.
~ He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
~ He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open
hailing frequencies."
~ He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
~ He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
~ He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack
above it.
~ He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage."
~ He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
~ He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba."
~ He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster."
~ He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
~ He paints the starship John Deere green.
~ He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special."
~ He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp."
~ His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
~ He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen."
~ His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
~ He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
~ His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' Bubba after a meal
of beans and weenies.
~ He sets phaser to "Cajun."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
 
You may be a redneck if….
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him
take the wheels off.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out
to see what it is.
Your local news station does a lead story on you as "the one that had been shot
the most times by friends and family on accident while hunting and still
survived.
You currently hold the title of "Town Champion" for your skills and techniques
in "cow-tipping."
You still get a kick out of teaching "out-of-towners" the art of
"snipe-hunting."
While hung over and milking cows, you accidentally grabbed a bull's balls.
You appreciate the difference between grilled Spam and fried Spam.
Your idea of surfing includes a truck, an open highway, and lots of drunk guys
sporting two empty kegs.
You think duct tape is the true "fabric of life."
Your favorite pick-up line is "Hey...You look like my sister!"
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Your dog passes gas...and you claim it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
Your porch collapses and kills all 10 of your dogs.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You win the most fingers and toes contest at your local bar.
If you read these and say "Yeah, so.....what's your point?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You might be a redneck if...
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minute maid taste test.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State
Trooper to kiss her a--.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You can't tell what color your car is
because of the dirt.
++++++++++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
lube rack.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite
Sam mud flaps.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
Your dad walks you to school because you
are both in the same grade.
++++++++++++
 You May Be a Redneck If….
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a
jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt
and thermal underwear.
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the
shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job—primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a
new plug of tobacco.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
++++++++
 
You May Be a Redneck If….
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new
Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was
flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
+++++
You May Be a Redneck If….
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
+++++++++
 
You May Be a Redneck If….
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the
front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You have grease under your toenails.
The theme song to your high school prom was "Friends in Low Places."
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You think BMW are the call letters of a radio station.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance
restrictions.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises
and seductive tongue gestures.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
After making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his
name on your arm.
You don't think Jeff Foxworthy's jokes are funny. :)
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Signs you may be a "High-Tech" Redneck
*If your computer has a sticker on it that says "Protected by
Smith and Wesson"
*If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a
cellular phone
*If your wife said either the computer goes or she goes and you
still don't miss her
*If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
*If you refer to your computer as "Old Bessie"
*If your e-mails all start with "Howdy y'all"
*If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
*If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
*If the bumper sticker on your truck says "my other computer is
a laptop".
++++++++++++++++
Also visit:
Southern Humor Redneck Humor
Git back to dem udder jokes and
stuff
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