Revenge

Revenge Humor (Getting Even!)

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's
Grocery Store.

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but
the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy
of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice
between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel,
they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to
one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of
you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more
than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because
it's bigger, or what?"

Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing
it!"

~~~~~~~~~

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,

"OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts,

"Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

<><><><><>

A guy is driving along with his wife in their Cadillac and talking and having a conversation, and then asked his wife:

"Darling, if I lose all my money, will you still love me?"

She answers:

"of course I will, I will probably miss you too."

**********

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

========

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading,

"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning,

"My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

**********

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

+++++++

His four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.

As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack.

All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight.

"Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."

His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."

Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"

+++++++

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked,

"Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner said,

"I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush.

If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."

Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.

Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and, passing him a $20 saying:

"By the way Mike, here's that money I owe you."

======

An American Airman, serving in World War II, had just returned from several days of intense activity involving daily missions to hot German targets. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the Airman walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary Airman asked, "Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the Airman, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The airman walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The airman didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the Airman.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

+++++

A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical.

"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.

"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

+++++

A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and
the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to
restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the
woman's car.

"I can't seem to get my car started," the man said,
smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here
and lean on your horn."

vvvvvvvv

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been
a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally
gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the
counter. Then she started talking to him, "You know that fur
coat you promised me?" She answered by saying, "I bought it
with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new
car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I
bought it with the insurance money!"

Bending down low she said, "Remember that blow job I promised
you? Well.... here it comes..."

--------------

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated
by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior
employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run
his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly
exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed
his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."

++++++++

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them
out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an
older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that?
It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells,
throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps.
Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear
while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the
woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to
sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've
paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out
of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the
train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha,
you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the police smell your fingers."

------------------------------------------------------------
A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in
a Southern city, and plumped himself down next to a haughty,
sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the garlic
fragrance, and observed icily, "It's a wonder they don't run
a special bus for persons who insist on eating garlic."

The workman cheerfully answered, "They do lady, You're on
the wrong bus."

For years, three men were stranded on a desert island. One day, a magic lamp washed on to the beach. They rubbed the lamp, and a genie appeared that granted each man a wish.

"I wish I was off this island and back with my familly," said the first man.

He disappeared.

"I also wish I was off this island and back home," said the second man.

He too disappeared.

The third man looked around and feeling lonely, looked up to the genie,

"I wish my two friends were back to keep me company."

Moral: Always make the last wish.

<><><><>

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

+++++

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator
in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking
the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough
to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I
have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact
time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this
time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

vvvvvvvvvv

"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was
down here at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my
house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home
drunk again."

vvvvvvvvvvv

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say,

"Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

++++++++

A rich business executive sees an ad in the Wall Street Journal for the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million.

The mogul decides that he must have it, and assigns half a dozen assistants to track the car down for him. After months of searching, the car is found, bought, and delivered.

Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin. At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old Vespa. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says,

"Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop. Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive.

"What can go faster than my Fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by.

This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the Vespa.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the Vespa that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

+++++

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little.

She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.

Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way.

Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

++++++

A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night.

Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked,

"Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

"Well yes!" answered the woman.

The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"

"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man.

"Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."

+++++++

What to say to hucksters who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

You called at the right time, buster. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. Those turkeys down at the bank go bananas over one little bounced check or two.

Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

What's that you say? Speak up, please, will you? The battery has run down on my hearing aid. Louder, please, louder. Is that the best you can do? I'm afraid we're just not communicating.

I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

The number you have called is a working number like you wouldn't believe. Let me make you a counter-proposal. How about the company of one of our swinging little ladies for an evening? Our personalized dating service guarantees satisfaction, and we do take credit cards.

The furnace just conked out, there's a foot of water in the basement and I nearly broke my neck on the kid's skate board getting to the phone. You wouldn't have a special on cyanide, would you?

Excuse me, this nice police officer, here, said that I should inform you that my phone is being tapped. Now, what kind of drugs did you say you were selling?

You have reached the Prosecuting Attorney's office, if you will hold on a minute, I'm SURE he'd like to talk to you.

+++++++++++

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends:

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And not bother me when I am not in
the mood to be bothered!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up,

"Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

*****

When you make a bet, be sure you can win.

That's advice a hotshot young fighter pilot should have taken.

The pilot, flying a two-engine fighter, is flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance. He's doing acrobatics in the air and flying rolls around a lumbering old bomber.

The hotshot calls over his radio to the bomber,

"Anything you can do, I can do better."

"Try this, kid," says the veteran bomber pilot.

The B-52 continues its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the younger pilot asks,

"So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines."

++++++

A man retires and buys a modest home near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year begins, and one afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, come down his street beating merrily on every trash can they see.

The crashing percussion continues day after day, until finally the man decides it is time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walks out to meet the young percussionists as they bang their way down the street.

"You kids are a lot of fun," he says. "I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids are elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the man greets the kids again, but this time he has a sad smile on his face.

"The drop in the stock market is putting a big dent in my income," he tells them. "From now on, I'll be able to pay you only 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers are obviously displeased, but they accept his offer and continue their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approaches them again as they drum their way down the street.

"Look," he says, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaims. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit."

And the man enjoys peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

+++++

Consider the man who leaves work early one day and, without calling his wife first, goes straight home.

When he walks into the bedroom he finds another man there with no clothes on.

"Who are you?" the husband asks.

"I'm the termite exterminator," the fellow says calmly.

"You have an infestation here, and I'm trying to get rid of it."

"Naked?" the husband asks.

The "exterminator" looks himself up and down and his eyes widen.

"My God!" he says. "The problem is worse than I thought!"

++++++

Hiram lay breathing his last. He rose on one elbow and told
the bedside gathering his last wishes, then began recounting
financial matters. "Don't forget Samuel owes me $7,000."

His wife, Miriam, said, "What a mind the man has, clear as a
bell to the very end."

"And I owe my partner Sid $210,000 for..."

At that point, his wife cut in, "Pay no attention to the poor
man's ravings, he's obviously out of his head."

vvvvvvvvvvv

A father noticed that his son was spending way too
much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more
attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his
son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying
books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was
The President of The United States."

----------

The Queen and the Pope are on stage together at a huge charity event. Obviously, they've both done this sort of thing many times before, so to make it a little more interesting the Queen says to the Pope,

"How about a wager? I bet I can make every British person in this crowd go wild with just one little wave of my hand."

The Pope agrees and the Queen waves her hand.

Sure enough, the royal wave elicits rapturous applause and cheering from all the Brits in the crowd.

The Pope, not wishing to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than him, says to the Queen,

"That was impressive. How about another wager?

I bet I can make every Irish person in this crowd go crazy with joy merely with a nod of my head. But it won't just last for a minute. This joy will last for months and be talked about for years."

The Queen is skeptical.

"One nod of your head? Show me."

So the Pope head-butts her.

~~~~~~

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a
beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you
mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But
go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How
many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" snapped the woman.

"Oh, right!" said the young man, "I didn't realize you
made a living at it!

~~~~~~~~

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says,

"My wife is better."

The second guy goes in then comes out and says,

"You know what? Your wife IS better."

-----------------

A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a
little man with no arms dancing all around on the river
bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all,"
and climbed down from the railing.

He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little
man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you
have no arms, I changed my mind."

"I am not dancing, you dickhead!" the armless man replied
bitterly. "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

----------

FRIENDSHIP POEM

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.

When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.

When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick...Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge till the end.

Why may you ask?

Because you're my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends. Then get depressed because you only
have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces:

"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!

+++++

An avon lady is on an elevator when she lets a huge fart that really stinks. Thinking quickly she pulls out a bottle of Avon pine scented air freshener.

At the next floor, a drunk staggers on and the door closes.

He asks, "What's that smell?"

The Avon Lady says "That's our newest fragrance.

Do you like it?"

The drunk says, "It smells like somebody shit on a Christmas tree!"

*******

A crowded United Air Lines flight was canceled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers.

She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted:

"I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight
and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear,

"I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

====

A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes.
Doyle evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab
in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him
and asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever
seen him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about
you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand
where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-
spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a
writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding
up all those pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a
real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock
Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

vvvvvvvv

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being
watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at
him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget
drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and
proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow!" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have
ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to
move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,"
says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I
touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight
grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet
or I'll jump!"

--------

A man was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer
put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at
his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer,
"you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there
in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had
ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

-----------

Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about
when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago.

A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn.
The man next door (who didn't realize a black family had
moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you're doing
a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How
much are they paying you?"

Carl Rowen said, "They aren't paying me anything, but I get to
sleep with the lady of the house."

vvvvvvv

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly,

"Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him
a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it
and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have--meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had
just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner
mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time
the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I
take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man
walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

-----------

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a
large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3
flat tires and a couple of headlights."

He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this
guy's in the wrong place, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny-side
up."

"I get it," replies the waiter. So on his was back out to
the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and says, "I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "I figured while you're waiting
for your parts you might as well gas up!"

++++++

A man was complaining, Oh Lord, please have mercy on me. I work so hard; in the meantime my wife stays at home, I would give anything if you would grant me one wish to "switch me into my wife." She's got it easy at home and I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market.

It was 1:00 already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school had an argument with the kids. As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more wifely duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep.

The next morning he prays to God once again:

"Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please.

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying:

"Dear son of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail; you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

++++++

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the
usher, he found that he was just too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to
watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you
a great tip."

The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row, and the man
hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill....

The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him, then leans over
and whispers, "The butler did it".

-------

Shortly after the lottery results are announced, the holder of a Lucky ticket runs into his house shouting for his wife.

"Get packed," he yells. "Get packed!"

"Why?" she yells back. "What's happened?"

"I've – just – won – the – lottery," he answers her in a firm voice.

"Wow!" she responds. "That's really something! And I told you not to buy any more lottery tickets. Silly me.

"So anyway, Honey, what shall I pack? Warm clothes or cool ones?"

"I don't care," he says. "Just so you're out of here today."

+++++

Cash, check, or charge?" the cashier asked. As the woman looked for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."

+++++

A woman with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying and a man comes by and asks why are you crying?

The woman says "Nobody's ever loved me before."

The man says "ok I love you"

He starts to walk away and the woman begins to cry again. The man turns around and asks now why are you crying? the woman says nobody's ever kissed me before.

The man says ok, so he picks her up and kisses her.

So the man starts to walk again and the woman starts crying.

So quickly the man turns around and says "Why are you crying!"

The woman says nobody's ever screwed me before.

So the man picks her up, throws her in the water and says

"Now your screwed!"

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR

WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, SMART OR DUMB.

UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.

A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of
the night and started to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise
and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said
gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where
I am about to shoot!"

+++++

A very devout man, who was very over weight, decided to go
on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he
would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So
to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to
work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went
by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving
compliments from his friends and co-workers.

Then one morning without thinking, he accidentally turned
onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At
first he was going to turn around but then he thought to
himself, "Maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts".

So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this
was His true intention let there be an open parking place
directly in front of the shop...

...and sure enough, on the fifth time around the block
there was an open spot right up front.

~~~~~~~

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.

"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

"No. We already have all the help we need," he said.

"Then would you mind getting someone to help me?" she asked.

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

++++++

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old
bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork...

Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says,
"Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I
will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I
know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars
in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list
with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari
appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

------------

A man returned to his sports car to find a freshly dented
fender and this note under the windshield wiper... "The
people who saw me hit your fender are now watching me write
this note, and probably figure I'm giving you my name and
phone number so you can contact me and send me the bill.
You should live so long!"

-------------

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the
apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor
and make a huge racket almost until midnight."

When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied,
"Not really, I'm usually up practicing my sousaphone till
about that time most every night anyway."

++++++

One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly.

"This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.

"You were supposed to call me at 6!" I complained.

"What if I had a million- dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't be staying in this motel!"

++++++

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his
cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking
fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."

"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison
for fraud and insider trading."

"Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict. "I just
killed a couple of priests."

+++++

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the
mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says,
"I think that I will buy my own present instead of making
you and dad shop for me."

"But mom," says the daughter, "some poor, helpless creature
has to suffer so that you can have this coat. Don't you think
that's kind of cruel?"

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."

-------

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

+++++++

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant his money, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.

At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man, "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "Your Father died. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

+++++++

A man, new in town, goes to the best brothel in the city.
Choosing the best looking girl in the place, he retires to a
large and well-appointed suite, where he has some of the best
sex of his life. Satiated, the man asks the madam, "How much
do I owe you?"

The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls
two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She
fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the
same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the
madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two
hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars.
Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

The madam smiles and says, "Tonight you weren't being filmed."

----------

The following is R-rated. Go no further if you think that you might be offended. We warned you!

Return to Joke Index

Continue with R-rated revenge humor.....

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice,

"Could you please take me to Times Square?"

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,

"Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we chat?

The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"

The cabbie says, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never
think about doin' it?"

The nun: "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand."

The cabbie: "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"

The nun: "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it."

The cabbie: "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"

The nun: "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children."

The cabbie: "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why do youse come on up here...

I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."

The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver.

By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.

As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh.

The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids."

And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,

"Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

**********

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