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Scottish Humor
 
Sandy the Scotsman was traveling by rail and he had a rather
large trunk setting on the seat beside him. As the conductor
collected the tickets, he spied the trunk.
"You'll have to pay an extra fare if your baggage is going to
take a seat", he told the Scott.
"Nae, I'll not pay", replied Sandy.
The conductor was adamant and demanded that the Scot must pay
the extra fare for the seat occupied by the trunk but Sandy
was equally as stubborn and refused to part with the cost of
another train fare. Finally out of frustration, the conductor
picked up the trunk and threw it off the train.
As it happened the train was traveling over a river trestle at the time,
so as the trunk hit the water, they heard a loud splash.
Sandy jumped up from his seat and cried, "First you try to cheat
me, then ye drown me wife!"
++++++++
An elderly Scottish man took his little grandson for a walk
around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he
said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50
pounds, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts,
and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's
a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 pounds and
he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has
gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,
Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to
draw on."
+++++++
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA
by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the
occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America, we might as well do as the Americans
do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points
to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he
wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their
'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers, then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other
nun and whispers cautiously,
"Er... What part of the dog did 'you' get?"
+++++++
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle....
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged,
masculine features and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
+++++++
One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided
to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.
He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was
freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself
at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being
thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery
mug filled with milk.
After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This
is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink
that milk because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his
mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter
on the stone.
The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air,
brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out,
you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my
fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness
by breaking the children's potty!"
+++++++
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard
outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to
find out what's worn under the kilt'.
The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working
order'.
+++++++++++++++
A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse,
was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his
pocket, bounced once on the rim, and fell into the hole.
Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself,
"For a quarter, Nae."
Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter
from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first,
and remarked as he descended,
"But for 50 cents, aye!"
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
When I was a young man, I traveled to Glasgow, Scotland.
There, I was awestruck with the buildings and the history of
the city.
On one afternoon, I went to a poorer section of the city where
a large group of people had gathered. Shouting, yelling,
clenched fists at the end of bare waving arms soon followed.
Bobbies (policemen) soon descended upon the scene, for by
then the outspoken group had grown to an angry mob. The
Bobbies tried without success to dispel the seething mass.
Into this chaotic mass stumbled an old man with a decidedly
unkempt appearance. He slowly looked around and viewed
the helpless Bobbies and the unruly crowd. Quietly, he took
off his hat and turning it upside down, he commenced to shout,
'Alms for the poor!'
To the relief and utter amazement of the Bobbies, the crowd
dispersed in about 10 minutes.
++++++
A Scotsman on vacation in the U.S. paid his first visit to the zoo.
Stopping by one of the cages he saw a man feeding the animal.
"An what animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.
"That's a moose from Canada," came the reply.
"A moose!" exclaimed the Scotsman, "Hoots man...they must ha' rrrats
like elephants ower there!"
***************
A Scotsman was visiting a museum of natural history in
Canada when he came upon a huge stuffed bull moose with
enormous antlers.
Surprised, he exclaimed in his Scottish burr, "Woots that!?"
When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied,
"If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your caats!"
++++++++
Did you know that the Scots were credited with saving the
lives of WWII aviators returning from bombing raids to
English air bases?
After dropping their bombs, the pilots would fly low back
over the channel. But the dense fog made it difficult to
know if they were over friendly territory, in case they had
to bail out.
As they flew very low, they would look down at the houses,
and when they saw the toilet paper, hanging out to dry,
they knew they were back in "home" territory.
++++++++
Q: How was the Limbo invented?
A: By a Scotsman trying to get into a pay toilet.
+++++++++
A party of tourists was enjoying the wonders of the Grand
Canyon. A local was accosted by the driver of the car and
was asked, "I say, old man, can you tell us what caused
this enormous gorge?"
The resident replied, "They say a Scotsman named Phillip
once owned a ranch here, and one day as he was playing
golf he lost a ball down a gopher hole."
+++++++++
A man left his bagpipes in the back seat with the window rolled down. Realizing his mistake after only a few blocks, he hurried back - but it was too late! Someone had ALREADY left another set of bagpipes next to the first...
+++++++
If an Englishman is removing wallpaper
...he is redecorating.
If a Scotsman is removing wallpaper
...he is relocating!
+++++++++
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For
several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at
the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time
for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him
lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once
again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot
time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for
a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to
gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you
let me poot ma hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her
knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My
thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies??
+++++++++++++++
The following Scottish Jokes are R-rated and are not for
younger lads and lassies!
Return to Jokes index
 
R-rated Scottish Humor:
Q: Why can't you circumcise a Scotsman?
A: You have to be a complete dick to be a Scotsman!
++++++++++++=
Gloria was the typical penny-pinching Scottish old maid
whom many mistook for Jewish. So conservative most men
thought, no way would she ever land a normal husband. She
was the type who would probably scald him before she agreed
to sleep with him. Well, she never did, but that had nothing
to do with her persistent love for shopping for a bargain.
One early spring day, Gloria could be found in the ritzy
shopping mall, and this time a beautiful red wool suit
caught her immediate attention. Rushing inside the store,
she asked a clerk, "do you have another of those red wool
suits like the one I saw from outside in the window?"
"Yes, lady," the sales clerk began. "Wait here, and I'll
check in the back to make sure."
Shortly, the clerk retuned, and Gloria's ear-to-ear smile
said she was bound to make a purchase within minutes.
"May I try it on?" asked Gloria.
The clerk handed the suit to Gloria and showed her to the
dressing room. In seconds, Gloria was back and admiring
herself in that nice red wool suit in the closest mirror.
"May I wrap it for you, or do you wish to wear it?" asked
the clerk.
"Oh," said Gloria, "I forgot to ask. What's the price? How
much are you asking for it?"
"It's $149.95," the clerk answered.
"Damn!" said Gloria, as she rushed back to the dressing area
to take off the suit, "no way am I going to pay that much of
my hard earned for one wool suit!" Shortly, she was dressed
and out of the store.
A little while later in the shopping center, Gloria spotted
another dress that looked exactly like the one she had tried
on at the first store. She just had to do it, so Gloria went
in. This time, her first question was about the price of the
red wool suit. Upon learning the price and checking it out
to prove to herself that it was, indeed the same suit at a
much better price, Gloria paid for the new dress, and with
it neatly boxed and under her arm, she rushed back to the
first store.
"See here," Gloria all but shouted when she spotted the clerk
who tried to sell her an over-priced same, same suit. "Look
what I found at another dress shop, and it only cost me $49.95!"
"Yes, lady," the clerk attempted to maintain her temperament,
"this is not the same suit. The one you tried on here is made
of virgin wool."
Gloria thought about that momentarily, looked deep into the
sales lady's eyes, and said, "Damn! I saved $100.00. What the
hell do I care what the sheep do at night!"
+++++++++
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep figured out what the sound of a zipper
means!
+++
Q: Why is a Scottish girl like a tortoise?
A: They're both fucked as soon as they're on their backs!
+++++++
A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the
first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he
took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone
was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a
triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready
to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on
a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up
and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman,
extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan,
seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and
and said,
"He can't run, he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed,
"Walk with pride, laddy...walk with pride!"
++++++++
My mother in law use to work in a pharmacy in Scotland in the late 1950's. Apparently they did not sell condoms like we sell them today. If
you wanted a condom you had to ask for surgical tubing. The person serving you would cut some for you from a big roll of surgical tubing.
This old Scottish guy walked in and asked the assistant: "Good morning dear, may I have some surgical tubing please?", to witch the assistant
replied: "How many meters would you like sir?"
The old man looked at her with a smile on his face and said in his Scottish accent: "Come, come now dear, don't flatter me!"
*********
A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man,
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.
But do they call me McGregor the fence builder? Nooooo.
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard
labor, for eight days.
But do they call me McGregor the bar maker? Noooooo.
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.
But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But one lousy sheep..."
+++++++++
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills
to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired
highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is
about six foot seven and built like a fucking tank. He has a
huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
Absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion.......
heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from
the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags
him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate"
"but......" stammers the driver
"Now...or I'll bloody kill you"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers
and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the
roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!"
"but....." says the driver.
"Now...." he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right do it again" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps
in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the
mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap
on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again" says the highlander.
"I just can't any more - you'll just have to kill me",
whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped
on the roadside.
"All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a
lift to Inverness".
++++++++++++
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path
after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at
a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt
quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back
against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road
and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw
him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a
Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised
his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at
his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery
for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue
ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what
nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two
walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the
call of nature, and walked around to the other side
of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...
and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.
After several moments of bewilderment, the
Scotsman said...
"I donna know where y'been lad...but it's
nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
++++++
The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard
outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always
wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.
The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect
working order'.
++++
One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the
hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six
foot seven and built like a fucking tank. He has a huge
red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is
absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion.......
heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged
from the girl when the highlander opens his car door
and drags him from the seat onto the road.
"Right, you," he shouts, "I want you to masturbate!"
"But......" stammers the driver.
"Now...or I'll bloody kill you."
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his
trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl
on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds.
"Right," shouts the highlander, "Do it again!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now...." he bellows.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has
cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and
despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating
jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again," says the highlander.
"I just can't any more - you'll just have to kill me,"
whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped
on the roadside. "All right," he says, "NOW you can give
my daughter a lift to Inverness."
++++++
A Scot went into a whore house and announced he could spend
no more than ten dollars. The madam told him that the cheapest
rate was twenty dollars. After a monumental argument, the madam
coaxed the money out of the tightfisted man and sent him upstairs
with a girl.
The girl undressed and pulled the Scot down on her, but to her
amazement the man started to fuck her navel. "That's not the
right place," the girl barked. "My hole is farther down."
"For twenty dollars," the Scot replied, "I want a hole of my own!"
++++++++
 
A old timer was talking to a young man in a bar in Scotland.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me
own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor
The Fence Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do
ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by
me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour,
for eight days. But do they call me McGregor The Bar Builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddie, look out to
sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can
see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it
board by board. But do they call me McGregor The Pier Builder?
Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously and mutters under his
breath "But ya shag a few lousy sheep..."
++++++++
A young Scotsman was all set up for his very first screw,
but his girlfriend says, "Sorry Jock, not without a condom."
Young Jock searches the town high and low, but being a Sunday,
every place is closed.
Walking around, he eventually meets Old Angus, a very good
friend of his father. Young Jock explains his problem and
is told in return, "Don't worry son, I can help you out."
Young Jock takes off and the night is beyond his wildest
expectations. A week later, he meets Old Angus in the
street and tells him about his experience.
"It was wonderful, Angus. Thanks to you, I had the best time
I have ever had."
"Just glad I could help out son; now where's the condom?" asked
Old Angus.
Young Jock looks at him and replies, "I threw it away.
Old Angus, with a scowl on his face says, "Ah, yer in
trouble now laddie--that condom belonged to the club."
++++++++
Q. How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass?
A. Apparently - very satisfying...
+++
A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at
the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss
me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at
the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the
gleam in my eye?"
"No," replied the girl, "by the TILT IN YOUR KILT."
+++++++
 
Return to Jokes index
Needed: More Scottish Jokes! Please send us your favorites to: biggestg@riches2surf.com Thanks,
The Jokester ++++++++++++++++ 
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