Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' 

'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 

'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.

+++++

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

+++++

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

+++

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia .. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. 

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

++++

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. 

But..... By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

+++

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

+++

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

+++

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

+++

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'

+++

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

+++

Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!! 

+++

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange trees. The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over... He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit...

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator!'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

++++

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay
married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an
agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would
make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of
marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

~ ~ ~ ~

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

'WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday .'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today.'

++++

*This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:*

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Picolax,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Picolax in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the Picolax. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Picolax tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for Picolax, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

Picolax is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Picolax experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of Picolax, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Picolax spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Picolax. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all. 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

+++++

SOME GOOD NEWS FOR THE OLD FOLKS..

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you
jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age
85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at
$5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when
she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the
hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that
I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my
brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch
our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you
die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing,
start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes
the ice jump right out of my glass.

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,

"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

+++++

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says,

"Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked,

"Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted,

"Coldwater, get your butt out of the way"!

+++++++

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," says a young girl.

"What's to be proud of?" the old man asks her.

"I noticed that when you sneeze you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," the old fellow says.

"How else can I catch my teeth?"

++++++++

Two Seniors, old friends, haven't seen each other for several years when they happen to meet at the supermarket. After greetings and a little catching up, one fellow says to his friend,

"When I ran into you I was looking for my wife."

"I'm looking for mine, too," says the other fellow.

"By the way, how is your wife?"

"Oh," says his friend, "I've just gotten married for the second time. You ought to see her. She is only 28 years old, a redhead with blue eyes. She used to be a model and has a perfect figure. Nobody wears clothes better than she can. In fact, today she's wearing tight toreador pants and a see-through blouse – just a knockout. But enough about her. How's your wife?"

"Forget my wife," his friend says. "Let's go look for yours."

++++++

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding
Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider a
divorce?"

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that,"
one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."

++++++

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to
see if he's unzipped.

++++++

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat,
when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"

The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."

Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra
pills."

With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker
and started putting on her sweater.

Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the doctor, too".

"Why?"

She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using
that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

---------

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman
resident. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to
her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her.
She agrees, and says that when everybody else goes on a day trip
they should stay behind at the home and get it on.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes
to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go
down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would
love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says that he is
sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a
minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and
her confused and states that surely one can't get arthritis down
there, and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says, "No, it's the arthritis in my shoulder, it hurts so
badly I can't wipe my ass properly."

-------

An old man woke up in the middle of the night
and found, to his utter astonishment, that his
pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time
in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she
woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily
exclaimed. "What do you think we ought
to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well,
now that you've got all the wrinkles out,
this might be a good time to wash it."

+++++

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not
seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about
each other's health, one asked how the other's husband
was doing...

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to
dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped
down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did
you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

++++++

A feisty little old lady was among a group looking at an art
exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary
paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide,
"What on earth is that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, dear lady, is supposed to
be a mother and child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

+++++++++

A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $16.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00. Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

++++++

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her
glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were
back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant.

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the
car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're
in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask old people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

++++

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

+++

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap... Now I forgot what it was..

++++

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and has an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

+++++ 

Comments Made in the Year 1955! That's only 54 years ago! '

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.' 

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.' 

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous. 

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?' 

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.' 

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.' 

'Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.' 

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.' 

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ' 

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.' 

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.' 

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.' 

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.' 

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.' 

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.' 

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.' 

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.' 

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.' 

++++ 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.' 

+++++ 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, "O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays." 

+++++ 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes, (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." 

++++ 

2 businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked 'What are you sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling assholes.'

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're doing well. Only two left.' 

++++

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." 

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

++++++++++++++++++++++=

When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near J. C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out.

I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."

I said: "Well, so why are you crying ? "

She said : "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert, and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said: "Well why in the world would you be crying?"

She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"

++++++

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused .... then he asked,

"Was that one word or two?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you
always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the
street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt – doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

LIFE'S A TEST - AND YOU'RE GRADED ON A CURVE

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
  At age 12, success is... having friends.
    At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
      At age 20, success is... having sex.
        At age 35, success is... having money.
        At age 50, success is... having money.
      At age 60, success is... having sex.
    At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
  At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

+++++++++++++++++

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit! Am I driving?"

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him
fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear
100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"

<><><><><>

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her 

"Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc."

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love.

While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head.

"I have to tell you the truth", he said. "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

++++++++

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off' em."

++++++

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front
porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol'
lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying
off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks,

"What was that for Ma?"

She replies, "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.

She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for PA?"

He replies, "That's for knowing there is more than one size."

You know you're no longer a teenager when...

-You wear black socks with sandals.

-Your back goes out more than you do.

-You quit trying to hold your stomach in,

no matter who walks into the room.

-Your good friend is dating someone half

his/her age... and isn't breaking any laws.

-You sing along with the elevator music

-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline

-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

-People call at 8 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

-You bought cable just for the weather channel.

-You have a party, and the neighbors don't

even realize it.

++++++

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." 

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

++++++

The only reason you're still awake at 4am is indigestion.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Your back goes out more than you do..

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials...

You're asleep but others worry that you're dead....

Your best friend is dating someone half

his age..and isn't breaking any laws...

You start singing along with the elevator music...

An old lady offers you her seat on the bus...

Your car must have 4 doors....

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you...

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style.....twice

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life...

8 am is your idea of sleeping in...

Your biggest concern when dancing is falling....

People call you at 9 pm and ask "Did I wake you?"

You no longer answer "Fine" when people ask how you are...

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants....

You don't like to drive after dark...

You read the obituaries daily......

You begin a sentence by saying, "When I was your age..."

You know all the warning signs of a heart attack...

Nobody ever tells you to slow down...

Your eyebrows look like shrubbery and your wife's have disappeared.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it...

You have to get a permit to light the candles on your birthday cake...

Comfort takes the place of fashion...

Someone sees you naked and screams...

When you talk about "good grass" you're referring to someone's lawn.

Strangers ask you to please put on a bra.....

You can't sit still without falling asleep...

Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamusil

Nobody wants to see your cleavage 

You start believing that you really did walk five miles to school barefoot and in the snow.....

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked
out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't
had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my
husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he
has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the
Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the
coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up
and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

+++++

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,

"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear....

"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

++++

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she
proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him
to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off
without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.

The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

+++++

Grandpa & Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when

"I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"I know" said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma."

An elderly man went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra.

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, 'm scared!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Jones, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when do you notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

++++++

After forty years of marriage, the couple decided to go on a second honeymoon. They decided to do everything they'd done on their first honeymoon, so they stayed in the same hotel, went to the same shops, and everything.

The next morning, while leaving town, they passed a certain tree along the road. The husband told his wife that they had their first sex behind that tree, and that they should do it again.

After having sex behind the tree, the husband told his wife that forty years ago, she didn't perform like that.

She then replied,

"But forty years ago, the fence wasn't electrified!"

+++++++